Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Why I Hate Nature, a Meme, and Me With Debbie Harry

I didn't post this yesterday because it was framed in the basement and I was too lazy to walk alllll the way down there, take it out of the frame, scan it in, upload it into flickr, and post it. Bah. But by popular demand, here is my photo with Debbie Harry (and my friend Chris). You can kinda sorta see Deb's forced smile, no?

With Debbie Harry
Chris, True, and Debbie at Wigstock
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I am sure I have mentioned this before. I hate nature. I know alot of you are going camping these days, happily sleeping outdoors in a tent and cooking weenies over a fire and dousing yourselves with bug spray. Not me. And this weekend reminded me of why I hate nature so much.

1. On Friday, I had zero mosquito bites. By Sunday night, after spending Saturday and Sunday outdoors, I have 11 just on my legs. My mom always said I got so many bites because I was so sweet, but guess what, I am not sweet at all. Bugs just suck.

2. In our bathroom upstairs we have frosted windows. So I see the shadow of a dragonfly on the window and open the window to flick the screen and make it go away. Well. I forgot that there is no screen, and not one but THREE dragonflies flew into the bathroom. I had to flee, slamming the door behind me. I am only hoping they starve or run out of oxygen or something before I have to go back in there. Thank God for multiple bathrooms. Again, bugs suck.

3. We are out bbq'ing and I look at Princess' little Dora the Explorer patio set. WTF is that all over the chairs? OMG, its spider webs, attaching the chairs to each other, and the webs are covered in a combination of teensy tinesy little spiders and spider eggs. She had just been sitting on these chairs the night before and there was none of this. DIS-gusting. And once again, bugs suck.

4. A bee was in my kitchen. I freaked out. I smashed it against the window with a coupon-envelope-thingee. It fell to the window sill. I smushed it against the window frame with a big glass bottle that's on the sill. Whew, its dead. I leave it there for Hub to pick up later (I don't touch bugs in any way shape or form) and I continue doing dishes when I hear buzzing. OMG, the thing came back to life! I grab the coupon-envelope-thingee again and hit it, four times, against the window. It appears to be dead, but I do not fall for it this time. I see its little stinger twitching and I know it is trying to reincarnate so it can sting me. So I hit it again three times for good measure, then swipe it into the sink, into the drain, and drown it. I run the water for a good 3 minutes, just to be sure. It swirls down the drain, never to be heard from again. If a soggy bee comes after me tomorrow, I am making a movie about it.

5. The scariest part of the weekend having to do with nature: we were outside bbq'ing with a friend on Saturday evening. Calmly sitting on the deck, drinking a few beers, enjoying the weather. When all of a sudden we hear a rustling noise. Now, I live in the 'burbs, practically the city. I have a 50x100 lot. We do not have animals of any kind around here except for squirrels and the occasional chipmunk. So I start freaking out. The boys think its a raccoon, but I think no way! We don't have wild animals like raccoons and tigers and giraffes around here! So Hub goes inside and gets his big flashlight. He shines it up at the tree in our yard, only to see these little white-ish grey critters which I think are rats running up a branch. Then - they take flight! OMG, we have FLYING SQUIRRELS! They have apparently built a home in the one tree in my yard, in a little hole. This cannot be. I decide right then, as I barricaded myself in the house, that we need to move to someplace less rural. Nature sucks.

I am never going outside again.
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PresentStorm tagged me on this one. I am not going to tag anybody, but if you want to do it, go do it!
1. Blogger that you most want to meet in person?I would have to say MommaK to this one, because she and I are sure that we are really twins separated at birth and I want to see if its true.

2. Blogger who makes you laugh the most?
No question, its my girl Mimi at Simply Complicated. The chick is insane and honest and funny as hell. Go see her, you will laugh (but be prepared for sex talk and bad language)

3. Blogger whose template(skin) is the coolest?Aw, so many of you have chosen lil ol' me on this one and I am soooo flattered. I love my skin too! Of the ones I visit often, I would have to say Mrs. Mogul, because I love the evocative image she has of the woman, typing away in London at her computer, while dreaming of NYC.

4. Blogger you can't wait to read a new entry from?Oh man, there are so many. I try to read my whole blogroll every day but its so long (and growing) that I can't always do it. Off hand, I would mention Trine at A Doll's House, Grace at Dr. Laura's Worst Nightmare, and Michele. But I love all of you and never go more than a day or two without visiting each and every one of you.

34 comments:

trine said...

ooh aah that is one heck of a forced smile actually! WOW! I wish I could do that!

And yes, I am *so* flattered, this really is my day of praise and I am LOVING it! ;-) thanks a lot, i expect my early commenting here shows I feel the same for you! :-)

as for bugs, they should be killed. all of them.

Indigo said...

I'm with you True, I hate nature ... unless it's my flower garden, then bring on the nature!

Flying squirrels? OMG, I think I would have screamed and fainted. And then I would have sent my dogs out to get them.

We had a bat in the house once, I was screaming like I was in a horror movie! A BAT! In the CITY!! What's up with that?

trinamick said...

You would hate it in NE. We have bugs of all kinds, wild creatures everywhere. The mosquitoes have been horrible this year. I have spiders in my basement and on my back porch. Granted, I hate them, but out here it's just part of life dealing with the nasty suckers.

I would love to see a flying squirrel. I have a little squirrel that pops his head over the edge of the roof and throws things at my cat. Very entertaining.

Guppyman said...

In my backyard, I have 4 different squirrel nests. I feed them corn and seeds... great fun. My only problem with them was that they ate the one sunflower that came up in the backyard.... but I can excuse that... they left the ones out front alone.

Bugs- We have them by the millions... I can imagine you if you had to deal with tree roaches though.... 3 or 4 inch long flying roaches will scare you half to death when they first come out. And somehow, they always get inside.

J&J'sMom said...

I have to say I agree with you about Momma k and you being twins...fraternal but twins nonetheless ;0) The bug thing...I have ants all over my kitchen and CANNOT get rid of them! It's heebing me out!

I'm so glad you got to get a shot with DH..I have to say you look much better than she does though!!

Christine said...

Great answers! These are hard questions!

Ally said...

I can see why camping wouldn't appeal! :).

In my worst week (in the English Lake District) we all ended up huddled around the mozzie repellent candles with our trousers tucked in to our socks and our hats pulled down as low as they'd go.

I'd quite like flying squirrels in the garden though ...

Miss_Vicki said...

That picture of Debbie is a bit scary.... her face looks great, but the rest of her looks.... well, OLD :)

I love nature, and camping, and all that stuff - I just hate the F'ing bugs. Hate em!!!!

tinkamarink said...

Bugs are a plague of Satan. I have never met a bug I like. Those cutesy little ladybugs and rolie-polies? Even they need to stay out of my house and I'd prefer if they moved off of my planet.

The flying squirrels? I would have loved those even if they are rats that can travel by air.

..::Meems::.. said...

Ooh girl you would hate living in the South. Summers are so humid. Mosquitoes are the size of bats.

And I make you laugh? AWWWWW!! *hugs*

Nam LaMore said...

ever since i got away from southern calif, i haven't seen any of those huge green june bugs -- thank goodness, i remember freaking out everytime i heard their buzzing -- sounds so much like mini-machine guns!

jlybn123 said...

You don't have great luck when it comes to nature now, do ya? lol And granted, there are some annoyances, when it comes to insects...but I love the outdoors! Some bugs REALLY freak me out though. Once had this spider living (outside mind you) in my kitchen window sill. This thing freaked me right out! Looked like it had huge pincers or something and had an orange hairy back. Ga-ross! After watching this thing catch it's prey and ever so quickly spin a web around it as soon as it landed...I was convinced this thing was a man eater. I watched it do this day after day, for about a week then...poof, it was gone! Ewww! That scared me even more than it being in the window sill...now I had no clue where it went! Blech.

Bugs!

Janet said...

Someone's had a wee bit of plastic surgery, eh?

I'm with you on the bugs, altho skeeters don't seem to bother me...guess I AM bitter! Spiders, YUCH!

Molly said...

That is a pretty good forced smile, I am impressed, she looks like the consumate professional!

Bugs really are not fun, especialy when they bite, but flying squirrels can be cute and entertaining...we had a pet one in one of my classes in elemntary school once...it was recuperating from an injury and quite fascinating.

Evey said...

Bugs DO suck, the other night the LARGEST ant I have ever seen was crawling across the floor. I swear I am not exagerrating, this thing was HUGE.I didn't know they had steroids for bugs but apparently they do. YUCK!

Pinkie said...

Agree with the bugs - I hate getting mesquito bites all summer. We are having our first Brownie campout in our backyard this weekend. Should be a fun-filled, bug type event!

Dawn said...

her smile does look a bit forced. . . and she is so pale.
anyway - i hate bugs too

Jean-Luc Picard said...

That forced smile beats them all! Great pic, Jersey Girl.

Katy said...

I would love to meet Momma K as well. I am with you on the bugs. My husband wants to go camping this summer. Hmmmm...Let me think. Two year old twins, a one year old, and a crap load of bugs? HELL NO!!!

mrsmogul said...

Aww that is cool with the Blondie pic! Also I like Mimi and I really wish I could talk dirty like her but my husband would kill me! and lastly, I look pretty close to the woman at the laptop! Really!!

MommaK said...

Awww - you totally made my day True. One of these days we'll have to get together for some margaritas! And we'll wear hurtful pink hats!!

*big twin hugs* sweetie-pie!

MommaK said...

Oh and I love the picture. Thanks for posting it. She looks a bit rough- but you look beautiful my dear!

janie q said...

she actually looks like a barbie doll, those eyes, that smile, all she's missing are the boobs!

Redhead Mommy said...

I'm one of those tree-hugging freaks that scare you, so that being said, the reason mosquitoes like you isn't because you're sweet, it's because you're HOT. Literally, they are attracted to body heat. That's why bug spray works, it camoflages (sp?) you.

Flying squirrels are cute, harmless, and nocturnal (as far as I know), so you don't really need to worry about running into one during the day.

camping with you would be entertaining, if nothing else. My sister feels the same way you do about it....very entertaining. ;)

Peanutt said...

Wow, that doesn't look like Debbie Harry! Plastic surgery or age? Hmmmmm....
I hate spiders and have never been stung by a bee and don't wanna.
Have a great day!

Erin said...

bugs DO suck! bah! i have a couple bugbites on my hairline on my forehead - i swear those misquitoes were sent from hell to make me squirm.
blech!

Elle said...

Deb's looking a bit like a drag queen herself!! We were driving home and a 500 lb. bear crossed in front of us. Be thankful you have squirrels. Bear shit is at least three or four squirrels put together!!

Bumbling Bav said...

Flying squirrels.... ya that is so not cool! That is like a furrier bat! Gross!

We do not camp, nope. IF ya want to tent in this house... well then set it up in the living room and turn on the fire place!

-xtessa- said...

LOL!!!

but hey, i'd rather take those flying squirrels than anything reptilian. we had those back home!

Brookelina said...

Your blog rocks! Being a fellow Jersey girl I can really appreciate it. I am adding you to my bloglist as I write. Thanks for the laughs!

Twist of Kate said...

Awwwwwwwwwwwww, I love you too Jersey!!! Even if I wasn't personally mentioned, I could tell you were talking right to ME! ;)

GraceD said...

Well no wonder my stats went sky high today - me and my humble but hot and bothered menopausal blog was mentioned on TJG! I thank you, my dear and many thanks to your legions of readers for stopping by my hormone-intesive site.

Your robot slave 4 life,
Grace

Michele said...

Never mind the forced smile...you look simply beautiful in that picture!

Thank you so much for the mention, I am indeed flattered. Very flattered.

PresentStorm said...

lmao @ the bear shit ..I would freak if I had bears anywhere near us ...I would move actually ..lol I too are one of "those " people that get bit by damn mosquitos constanly ..I can just think about one and get bit ..It sucks ..
I love camping though ..But more so in the cooler temps ..lol