Thursday, February 26, 2015

Black vs. Blonde

So these are the things that keep me up at night: what color shall I dye my hair?

I spent a good portion of my best years with jet black hair. I often had some dark red chunks of color thrown in just to make it a little less goth, or something? I have just always felt like black hair complimented my personality. I'm dark. I have a dark sense of humor and I mostly do not like people. I am sultry and sexy and a little mysterious. I am full of sarcasm and vinegar and I really don't give a fuck what you think about me. So black hair has always matched me well.
I am the goddess of darkness and evil.

As I age (quite gracefully, if I do say so myself, but aging nonetheless), I feel like black hair shows every imperfection in my face. I am very pale ("alabaster" is my shade, I have been told) and until now I have always liked the contrast of darkest hair with lightest face. Now though, I fear it makes me look older, which is not something I am particularly looking for at this stage of the game. Light hair keeps my skin looking lighter and fresher and non-wrinkly. Black hair reveals every secret my face is trying to hide with a good makeup job.

(Now, don't get me wrong. I am not a wrinkled mess. I have very few wrinkles and pretty good skin. A former boyfriend's mom used to call me a porcelain doll because my skin was so perfect, and I'm not that anymore. That was in high school. But I'm still pretty happy with what I've got.)

I really needed a drastic change a few years back and my hair has always taken the brunt of my rash decisions to go insane. During a spontaneous visit to the salon, I went from black to blonde in one afternoon. And I then went even blonder. I liked it, but was it really representative of me?
I am sweetness and light and everything nice. Except, I'm not.

I am currently a medium blonde. I don't love it. It feels mature and serious and while I may be at an age that is mature and serious, I am not. I have a high-level job and own a house and a BMW and have a yeah, I guess there's some of that in there. But I'm also the broad who will decide on a whim to fly off somewhere and spend a weekend letting loose. I'll jump in a mosh pit. I'll be decidedly unladylike in my consumption of beers and then argue my feminist politics with drunk fratboys till they give up or pass out because I outdrank them.

So I feel like my hair does not represent me right now and I don't know what to do. Part of me says, just go platinum blonde. Go for it. Dye your hair whitish blonde and cut it short in a pixie and say fuck it all. Another part of me says, Go for it. Dye your hair jet black again, maybe with dark blue highlights this time, and leave it long and gothy and punky and say fuck it all.

The truth is, as I try to make the "right" decision for my hair, I will never be younger than I am today. I dyed my hair pink a couple years ago and I felt like I had really had my fill of that when I was 20. But I did it because I wanted to and I loved it and so did everyone else (except my boss, I suppose...). So I think I just need to do what I want to do and not worry about age or any of that, because I won't be any younger next year so the window will just keep closing on what I think is "appropriate" for me.

Now, if I could just decide between way too blonde and way too black, I'd be in good shape.