So here's the thing about being "one of the guys" - you never really are. They still look at you as the cool girl who likes football and beer, or the cool girl who can tell dirty jokes, or the cool girl who can talk to you about your problems with girls and give you solid advice without being lecture-y or annoying, or the cool girl who finds great memes. You are still not one of the guys.
C has a little texting group and it's all guys plus me. They make jokes about sex and society and all of that, and I'm in on the joke. They include me because I don't take life too seriously (except on this blog where I take everything way too seriously....maybe because I vent here, I can keep my seriousness at bay the rest of the time?).
So the other night, C is complaining about his ex, A. He was telling us about a big argument they had and how awful she is. Honestly, I think he is the one doing something wrong, but I don't judge. It's not my life, and he's a grown man who has to make his own decisions. I didn't express this on this group text - all I said was that it was probably best to unfriend A on Facebook so that she wouldn't see his every move on there.
So everyone is commenting back and forth, basically saying that A should mind her own business and that A is wrong for making life unpleasant by expressing her opinion on something that had to do with their daughter, when my husband says, "Yeah, women suck!" then follows up with, "Oh, sorry, didn't realize you were on this feed, TJG" which yes, of course you did and you were just trying to be cute. I replied "Oh, sorry, didn't realize I just threw out the dinner I made for you, K" (really, a very, very tame comment because I would never emasculate him in front of the boys, as I certainly could have) and then all hell broke loose. Then come the "bitches be crazy" memes and the "feminists are evil - TJG and A are both feminists so they stick together" comments (how was I sticking with A, exactly???) and "TJG, you need to be more of a TJG right now and less of an A" and on and on and on.
What. The. Fuck.
This just showed me that despite probably being on the thread for a year with these guys, joking about everything and being considered one of the guys, they all still went after me (and have never done so with each other) based on my being a woman. The bitch and feminist comments were just so out of line - and what can you say back? At a point like that, if you fight back, it just proves their point. In fact, after that one single comment I made, someone said, "TJG was all, how can I prove the point?"
So basically, I'm, just done. I can't be part of something where as long as I play by their rules, I'm cool but as soon as I disrupt their boycode, I'm a bitch. No thank you.
Then, on top of that, when C wants real advice and wants to talk things through for real, who does he contact? Me. Off line with the boys, he forwarded all of A's emails to me so he could get my take and ask for advice. Which really just proves the point, doesn't it? I'm not one of the boys. I'm a woman with a woman's patience and understanding and ability to give sound advice. When you want to bust balls, you do it with that group. When you want a real conversation, you come to me. However, when we are on that busting-balls thread, you think you can tear me to shreds too? Nope. Not happening.
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
A PostScript to Yesterday's Post
It's become even clearer to me that my kid takes after me.
Without going into all the details, she sucks at homework. She is smart as a whip and tests way above her grade level (she tests at the high school level in math and english) but can't seem to get her homework or projects done. THIS IS ME, 100%.
I was forever getting the comment "does not work up to her potential" on my report cards, because while they knew I was smart, school was not my priority. My friends were. Boys were. Music and good times were. It's the same with TJK. So smart but doesn't care all that much about the work. She wants good grades, but I think that's more to please us than herself. Grammar School TJK is Grammar School TJG.
I don't get the comparisons with my sister, who was very focused on her grades, always did her assignments, always studied, always did well. And I think that's what annoys me. My parents see my kid as smart so she's like my sister. Can they not see that it might be offensive to me that they attribute my kid's smarts to her aunt instead of her mom?
Next time this comes up, I'm addressing it. Because obviously, it's bothering me more than it should.
Without going into all the details, she sucks at homework. She is smart as a whip and tests way above her grade level (she tests at the high school level in math and english) but can't seem to get her homework or projects done. THIS IS ME, 100%.
I was forever getting the comment "does not work up to her potential" on my report cards, because while they knew I was smart, school was not my priority. My friends were. Boys were. Music and good times were. It's the same with TJK. So smart but doesn't care all that much about the work. She wants good grades, but I think that's more to please us than herself. Grammar School TJK is Grammar School TJG.
I don't get the comparisons with my sister, who was very focused on her grades, always did her assignments, always studied, always did well. And I think that's what annoys me. My parents see my kid as smart so she's like my sister. Can they not see that it might be offensive to me that they attribute my kid's smarts to her aunt instead of her mom?
Next time this comes up, I'm addressing it. Because obviously, it's bothering me more than it should.
Monday, October 26, 2015
Pretty Smart
I'm pretty much using this as a place to vent about things that annoy me, so here's the next one on my list.
My kid is really awesome. Everyone says so, and not just the people who *have* to say so. She happens to be really, really smart and impresses us regularly with her intelligence.
I happen to be pretty smart as well. I didn't get good grades in high school because A) I was lazy about school work and B) boys. But I was always smart, and when I went to college, I got great grades. I've proven my intelligence through my career and through the fact that I can have an intelligent conversation about just about anything.
Anyway, every time my daughter shows her smarts (getting good grades, making a logical point, fashioning an advanced argument for her position on something), my parents say "Oh, you take after Aunt K!" as if none of her intelligence could have possibly come from me.
This all goes pretty deep. Growing up, K was the smart one and I was the pretty one...even though I was smart too, and K was pretty, too. It did some damage to my sister and me - although I think more to her than to me - and my parents are aware that they screwed up by categorizing us this way. So now, to hear my parents comment on my daughter's intelligence and still make it a compliment on my sister's intelligence...it's really annoying.
I wonder if, as my niece grows up and is beautiful (which, of course she will!), will they say "Oh, she takes after her Aunt TJG!"???
My kid is really awesome. Everyone says so, and not just the people who *have* to say so. She happens to be really, really smart and impresses us regularly with her intelligence.
I happen to be pretty smart as well. I didn't get good grades in high school because A) I was lazy about school work and B) boys. But I was always smart, and when I went to college, I got great grades. I've proven my intelligence through my career and through the fact that I can have an intelligent conversation about just about anything.
Anyway, every time my daughter shows her smarts (getting good grades, making a logical point, fashioning an advanced argument for her position on something), my parents say "Oh, you take after Aunt K!" as if none of her intelligence could have possibly come from me.
This all goes pretty deep. Growing up, K was the smart one and I was the pretty one...even though I was smart too, and K was pretty, too. It did some damage to my sister and me - although I think more to her than to me - and my parents are aware that they screwed up by categorizing us this way. So now, to hear my parents comment on my daughter's intelligence and still make it a compliment on my sister's intelligence...it's really annoying.
I wonder if, as my niece grows up and is beautiful (which, of course she will!), will they say "Oh, she takes after her Aunt TJG!"???
Thursday, October 22, 2015
Random Complaint of the Day
I am going to randomly complain about something that drives me crazy.
So you are just a general internet moron, right, going about your business of chatting with other internet morons about stuff that no one but you and the other morons care about. And that's easy to ignore, because WTF-ever, most people pay no mind to people like you. But then, you start in. You comment on this one's weight. You comment on that one's hair. You comment on this one's clothing. You comment that that one is too old to post pictures of themselves in clothes like that.
And then, you comment about how women should stop using editing software because everyone can tell that they used it. Um, okay, what now?
Are imperfect people just not supposed to ever post pictures of themselves? What makes you the arbiter or what is acceptable to post? Is it just what offends your particular aesthetic, and if so, how should people go about learning what your aesthetic is so we don't incur your wrath for having the gall to post pictures of ourselves?
Now this isn't personal to me. I am just speaking for all imperfect people on the internet. I am confident enough (in my appearance and overall) to let these kinds of comments roll off my back if they were directed towards me. This is just a pet peeve of mine, particularly as a woman, because I feel like we should be lifting each other up and not tearing each other down. But look, people are mean and dumb and we just have to ignore them.
But it's really Part Two of this complaint that makes me the craziest.
As you are ripping people to shreds (as bullies are wont to do), your grammar is atrocious. Your spelling is nearly unreadable. You are grown-ass and yet still write like a 13-year-old from 2005 texts So here you are, tearing someone down for their looks while you are showing how stupid you are.
"Y r U soooo ugly postin picx of urself like dat? Way 2 old 4 a bikkini lollll"
Really? If a thought like that goes through your head at any point of your life, you are the last person who should be criticizing anything about anyone, ever. Take a good hard look at who you are and how you live, and then just try shutting the fuck up and fixing yourself.
So you are just a general internet moron, right, going about your business of chatting with other internet morons about stuff that no one but you and the other morons care about. And that's easy to ignore, because WTF-ever, most people pay no mind to people like you. But then, you start in. You comment on this one's weight. You comment on that one's hair. You comment on this one's clothing. You comment that that one is too old to post pictures of themselves in clothes like that.
And then, you comment about how women should stop using editing software because everyone can tell that they used it. Um, okay, what now?
Are imperfect people just not supposed to ever post pictures of themselves? What makes you the arbiter or what is acceptable to post? Is it just what offends your particular aesthetic, and if so, how should people go about learning what your aesthetic is so we don't incur your wrath for having the gall to post pictures of ourselves?
Now this isn't personal to me. I am just speaking for all imperfect people on the internet. I am confident enough (in my appearance and overall) to let these kinds of comments roll off my back if they were directed towards me. This is just a pet peeve of mine, particularly as a woman, because I feel like we should be lifting each other up and not tearing each other down. But look, people are mean and dumb and we just have to ignore them.
But it's really Part Two of this complaint that makes me the craziest.
As you are ripping people to shreds (as bullies are wont to do), your grammar is atrocious. Your spelling is nearly unreadable. You are grown-ass and yet still write like a 13-year-old from 2005 texts So here you are, tearing someone down for their looks while you are showing how stupid you are.
"Y r U soooo ugly postin picx of urself like dat? Way 2 old 4 a bikkini lollll"
Really? If a thought like that goes through your head at any point of your life, you are the last person who should be criticizing anything about anyone, ever. Take a good hard look at who you are and how you live, and then just try shutting the fuck up and fixing yourself.
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
A Rant About How Much Red Robin Sucks
I've never been a big fan of Red Robin (as a non-burger eater) but having a child, we go there more often than I'd like. We went there more often when she was little because it's generally loud in there, so if your kid acts up it's no biggie because 80 other kids are acting up too. This makes it an *awesome* place for adults to go! (I hope you sense the sarcasm there).
We hadn't been there in some time (probably close to a year) so when TJK requested it the other night, I couldn't really argue. So off we went. It was a Monday night so the place was pretty empty, which was good for the screaming-kids front. Our waitress came over pretty quickly and took drink orders. Great. She then told us to use the tablet on the table to order our appetizers. Say what, now?
I've been to other chain restaurants that have tabletop tablets so you can pay your bill from there (and/or have your kid beg you through the whole meal to pay for games for her to play, despite the fact that she has her own iphone...but I digress). But having to order our own meal from a computer? That just seems to be to be a step too far.
But we went along. We tried ordering some kind of appetizer combo thingee with boneless wings and pretzel bites. It didn't work. So we had to call the waitress over, and rather than just being able to write down our order, she had to order it on the tablet. She had a hard time figuring out what to do to order the combo as well. Ugh. She finally figured it out, and then she took our order herself for our main meal.
I ordered a chicken sandwich. The chicken was rubbery and the bun was stale. Not my idea of a good meal, and I'm pretty easygoing when it comes to fast service places like this.
After the meal, TJK begged for something called Fruffles or something like that. We looked and looked for the waitress but she was nowhere to be found. We decided to take advantage of the tablet and ordered the Fruffles on there. Ten, fifteen, twenty minutes go by. No Fruffles. Twenty five, thirty minutes, and we are looking for the server like crazy. We finally find her and ask her to just cancel the goddamned Fruffles - we were sick of waiting. Just take them off the check.
She goes to the kitchen and we can hear her yelling, "What happened to the Fruffles!?!?" Now, had we ordered them directly through her, she would have known we ordered something and would have followed up on them. But in this case, we ordered through the tablet and she was unaware that we had any items outstanding from the kitchen.
We go to pay the bill on the tablet, which is fine. I truly don't mind that because when I'm ready to go, I'm ready to go. I don't like waiting for the server to come and give the bill and come back to get the card and come back to drop it off. But then, on the tablet, which has taken our order through most of the meal, it recommends that we give a 20% tip. Seriously? I'm tipping a server 20% when the tablet did most of the work? Makes no sense to me.
I get that the tablet on the table puts the power in the customers' hands, supposedly. But to me, all it did was disengage the server and keep us waiting longer than we should have. Honestly, after this experience, I don't think we will be back to Red Robin. I feel like when I go out to eat, even if it is a "fast sit down" type of restaurant, someone should take my order and make sure it gets to me.
That's my spoiled brat review of my shitty experience at Red Robin.
We hadn't been there in some time (probably close to a year) so when TJK requested it the other night, I couldn't really argue. So off we went. It was a Monday night so the place was pretty empty, which was good for the screaming-kids front. Our waitress came over pretty quickly and took drink orders. Great. She then told us to use the tablet on the table to order our appetizers. Say what, now?
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| The devil. |
But we went along. We tried ordering some kind of appetizer combo thingee with boneless wings and pretzel bites. It didn't work. So we had to call the waitress over, and rather than just being able to write down our order, she had to order it on the tablet. She had a hard time figuring out what to do to order the combo as well. Ugh. She finally figured it out, and then she took our order herself for our main meal.
I ordered a chicken sandwich. The chicken was rubbery and the bun was stale. Not my idea of a good meal, and I'm pretty easygoing when it comes to fast service places like this.
After the meal, TJK begged for something called Fruffles or something like that. We looked and looked for the waitress but she was nowhere to be found. We decided to take advantage of the tablet and ordered the Fruffles on there. Ten, fifteen, twenty minutes go by. No Fruffles. Twenty five, thirty minutes, and we are looking for the server like crazy. We finally find her and ask her to just cancel the goddamned Fruffles - we were sick of waiting. Just take them off the check.
She goes to the kitchen and we can hear her yelling, "What happened to the Fruffles!?!?" Now, had we ordered them directly through her, she would have known we ordered something and would have followed up on them. But in this case, we ordered through the tablet and she was unaware that we had any items outstanding from the kitchen.
We go to pay the bill on the tablet, which is fine. I truly don't mind that because when I'm ready to go, I'm ready to go. I don't like waiting for the server to come and give the bill and come back to get the card and come back to drop it off. But then, on the tablet, which has taken our order through most of the meal, it recommends that we give a 20% tip. Seriously? I'm tipping a server 20% when the tablet did most of the work? Makes no sense to me.
I get that the tablet on the table puts the power in the customers' hands, supposedly. But to me, all it did was disengage the server and keep us waiting longer than we should have. Honestly, after this experience, I don't think we will be back to Red Robin. I feel like when I go out to eat, even if it is a "fast sit down" type of restaurant, someone should take my order and make sure it gets to me.
That's my spoiled brat review of my shitty experience at Red Robin.
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
Randomness
Well, the Devils beat the Rangers on Sunday, which is always amazing. Then the Giants lost to the Eagles last night, which is always sucky. And of course, the Yankees season is over and has been for some time. So now I'm left wondering if I root for the Mets because they are my husband's team, or if I root for the Cubs because A) who isn't rooting for the Cubbies? and B) they are my next husband's team (Eddie Vedder, of course).
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I went to the NY Botanical Gardens a few weeks ago with my girlfriends and bought a beautiful Frida Kahlo-inspired necklace. I'm wearing it today for the first time and getting so many compliments on it. Glad I splurged on something I loved.
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Only two weeks till we hit the road for Asheville! I can't wait. I'm all in for the craft beer and mountains and huge cabin house (complete with 3 bedrooms and a fireplace and a game room with a pool table!), but I'm so excited to go to their Friday night drum circle. It just sounds like a weird, local, hippie thing to do and I'm all about it.
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Totally obsessed with The Walking Dead this season. Its only been two episodes but they have been so good. I don't get why there has been so little Daryl, but at least we got Carol back this week and she kicked serious ass. Love this show!
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I went to the NY Botanical Gardens a few weeks ago with my girlfriends and bought a beautiful Frida Kahlo-inspired necklace. I'm wearing it today for the first time and getting so many compliments on it. Glad I splurged on something I loved.
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Only two weeks till we hit the road for Asheville! I can't wait. I'm all in for the craft beer and mountains and huge cabin house (complete with 3 bedrooms and a fireplace and a game room with a pool table!), but I'm so excited to go to their Friday night drum circle. It just sounds like a weird, local, hippie thing to do and I'm all about it.
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Totally obsessed with The Walking Dead this season. Its only been two episodes but they have been so good. I don't get why there has been so little Daryl, but at least we got Carol back this week and she kicked serious ass. Love this show!
Monday, October 19, 2015
Divorce's Casualties
Spent a great weekend with my cousin and his daughter. We went apple picking and to wineries for hard cider and to beer gardens and brewpubs and just all over upstate NY, wherever good times were to be had. I love weekends like this, out in the cool, crisp fall air, wearing my finest autumn clothes (camel-colored sweater with like-colored tall leather boots and, of course, a badass cape).
My cousin is divorced from his wife, with whom I used to be pretty close. We've traveled all over Europe together and also to the Dominican Republic, and I felt like we had a kinship. I felt like she was a long lost sister of mine, really.
I don't know what went wrong in their marriage, but when their relationship soured, so did mine and hers. I don't dislike her; I have no ill feelings towards her at all, really. Things didn't work out for them for whatever reason and that's too bad, but it happens.
The thing about me is that when something bad happens to someone I love, I close ranks. My cousin was very surprised and hurt by her instigation of the divorce, so I am all in for him. Ride or die. I only know his side of the story, and I'm well aware that she probably has a good reason for her actions. But she never reached out to me to talk or to explain or to get advice, and I didn't reach out to see how she was doing or what she felt or if she needed my shoulder. I guess that's what divorce breeds when it comes to families.
On weekends like this, I feel bad for her. I'm out with her daughter, watching her bond like crazy with my daughter, watching them develop what appears to be a lifelong friendship, and she is missing that. They smile and laugh and sing and run around together and it's just about the most precious thing I've ever seen.
My cousin and I both post the pictures on Facebook and I know she sees (we are still FB friends, although I'm not sure why). I put myself in her place, and I know I would just be overcome with the sadness of missing out on so much. And truth be told - I wish she were there. I wish it could be the 6 of us - two couples and our kids - out having a fun time together. In fact, my cousin was telling me how she told her mother "You should meet Sizzle and TrueJerseyGirl, they are so much fun!" and his wife had to say, "Yes, I know them, honey." More evidence that her kid is having all these good times and making memories without her. I don't know how you deal with that.
Divorce ends so many things, not just the marriage. It ends friendships, too. And that's really sad for all involved.
My cousin is divorced from his wife, with whom I used to be pretty close. We've traveled all over Europe together and also to the Dominican Republic, and I felt like we had a kinship. I felt like she was a long lost sister of mine, really.
I don't know what went wrong in their marriage, but when their relationship soured, so did mine and hers. I don't dislike her; I have no ill feelings towards her at all, really. Things didn't work out for them for whatever reason and that's too bad, but it happens.
The thing about me is that when something bad happens to someone I love, I close ranks. My cousin was very surprised and hurt by her instigation of the divorce, so I am all in for him. Ride or die. I only know his side of the story, and I'm well aware that she probably has a good reason for her actions. But she never reached out to me to talk or to explain or to get advice, and I didn't reach out to see how she was doing or what she felt or if she needed my shoulder. I guess that's what divorce breeds when it comes to families.
On weekends like this, I feel bad for her. I'm out with her daughter, watching her bond like crazy with my daughter, watching them develop what appears to be a lifelong friendship, and she is missing that. They smile and laugh and sing and run around together and it's just about the most precious thing I've ever seen.
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| Cousins/Godsisters under a perfect autumn sky. |
Divorce ends so many things, not just the marriage. It ends friendships, too. And that's really sad for all involved.
Friday, October 16, 2015
A Lady and Her Bag(s)
But first...It's funny that I used to write on this here blog and people would actually read it and comment, and that due to my writing, I was asked to be on Wife Swap (the original version - I was never a blogging celebrity) when they were looking for crazy, zany wives who like to party! Now, no one reads this and I feel ok about it. It's become somewhat of a repository for random shit I think of during my day, a place where I don't have to worry about pleasing anyone or hurting anyone's feelings. I kind of like that.
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I saw someone on Twitter complaining about a woman who spent $700 or $800 on a purse. The comment was something like, "Why would you spend that much on a purse? I'd have bought food or clothes or something!" I hate this mentality.
I have been very successful in my life. I went to college and studied hard. When I graduated, I was a temporary worker. Then a secretary. Then an HR Assistant (basically, a glorified secretary). I went back to school to advance my studies in my area of expertise. And I was promoted and promoted and promoted. And I have worked my ass off and put up with a lot of shit to get where I am today, with the salary I am making. I am proud of myself, and with good reason. I've earned every penny I have made. And that gives me the right to spend it however I want. My family has food, clothing, a fully-paid-off house, three fully-paid-off cars, numerous vacation each year. My daughter has everything she could possibly want. We have a good savings plan and a college fund for TJK. So tell me this - why does it offend when I want to buy something nice for myself? Is it just jealousy? Do people make those comments because they wish they could buy that Louis Vuitton or Gucci too, but since they can't, they cast it as a negative and as something "frivolous"?
My husband also works very hard. He is in a very different job than I am - his is very physical where mine is mental - but we both work hard and earn very good money for what we do. I don't recall anyone telling him it was wasteful or stupid to buy a motorcycle, and then every accessory to go with it. But somehow, when a woman buys an expensive bag, it's a sin. Why is that? Why are we made to feel that the things we enjoy are silly?
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I saw someone on Twitter complaining about a woman who spent $700 or $800 on a purse. The comment was something like, "Why would you spend that much on a purse? I'd have bought food or clothes or something!" I hate this mentality.
I have been very successful in my life. I went to college and studied hard. When I graduated, I was a temporary worker. Then a secretary. Then an HR Assistant (basically, a glorified secretary). I went back to school to advance my studies in my area of expertise. And I was promoted and promoted and promoted. And I have worked my ass off and put up with a lot of shit to get where I am today, with the salary I am making. I am proud of myself, and with good reason. I've earned every penny I have made. And that gives me the right to spend it however I want. My family has food, clothing, a fully-paid-off house, three fully-paid-off cars, numerous vacation each year. My daughter has everything she could possibly want. We have a good savings plan and a college fund for TJK. So tell me this - why does it offend when I want to buy something nice for myself? Is it just jealousy? Do people make those comments because they wish they could buy that Louis Vuitton or Gucci too, but since they can't, they cast it as a negative and as something "frivolous"?
My husband also works very hard. He is in a very different job than I am - his is very physical where mine is mental - but we both work hard and earn very good money for what we do. I don't recall anyone telling him it was wasteful or stupid to buy a motorcycle, and then every accessory to go with it. But somehow, when a woman buys an expensive bag, it's a sin. Why is that? Why are we made to feel that the things we enjoy are silly?
Thursday, October 15, 2015
Today's Playlist
- Mene, Brand New
- Drown, Bring Me The Horizon
- Everlong, The Color Morale
- Love is Blindness, Jack White
- Hard To Imagine, Pearl Jam
- I Bought My Eyes, Ty Segal Band
- Something From Nothing, Foo Fighters
- A Deep Slow Panic, AFI
- Chandelier (Piano Version), Sia
- Left of Center, Suzanne Vega
Note: When the song Chandelier came out, all I could do was sing in my worst voice "the chan-DA- LIIIEEEEERRRRR!!!" I thought it was really pretty annoying, even if the singer's voice was good. Then I heard the piano version and while I still sing that part in my worst voice (because it's truly the only voice I've got), I started to love it. I looked up the lyrics and really fell in love because it seemed to actually suit me pretty well:
Party girls don't get hurt
Can't feel anything, when will I learn
I push it down, push it down
I'm the one "for a good time call"
Phone's blowin' up, ringing my doorbell
I feel the love, feel the love...
I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist...
I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night
Feel my tears as they dry
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier
LOVE THIS.
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Last Night's Democratic Debate
Last night was the first debate for the candidates for Democratic nominee for President. Everyone who knows me at all knows that I will be voting for one of these people - the Republicans can't come close to putting together anything that I could support. So while I watched the RNC debates for the sheer entertainment value, I watched the DNC debate to see who I will support for President of the United States of America.
Firstly, just on the debate itself, wasn't it nice to watch adults talk about serious issues like adults? There was no circus, no badmouthing each other, no ugliness. No denial of science. No talk of whether any of the candidates heard god speaking to them about running. Just a debate about solutions. They disagreed but were never nasty to each other, and they made me proud to be a Democrat.
So now, to the candidates and where I stood before and after.
Throughout the campaigns thus far, I have been torn between Hillary and Bernie. I was hoping that the debate would clear that up for me. One thing that quickly became clear was that there is no other candidate currently in the race who would get my vote. Webb: too cantankerous, too whiny, too Dixiecrat, too much like a Republican. Chaffee: too wishy-washy, too weak, too many excuses for bad votes ("it was my first day and my dad just died" is the new "the dog ate my homework"). O'Malley: too reserved, too docile, too soft. The thing I will say for O'Malley is that in my mind, he has to get a little spicier but then he could be set up for another run down the road. And hell if he doesn't look presidential! With the three of them, I didn't really get a feel for why any of them want to be President or why they were running. They either had no passion, or misplaced passion ("I am not getting as much time as everyone else" is not the most passionate thing I want to hear from your face).
So, it's Bernie and Hillary. I've long supported Hillary, for lots of reasons. Some have to do with her qualifications (which are ginormous), some have to do with her being a woman and really wanting a smart and qualified woman to get into the White House, and some have to do with her having put in enough time standing behind Bill to now get her own chance. I did leave her for Obama in 2008, which was a really hard decision to make but one I would make again if I felt it was right for the country. Last night, I thought Hillary looked presidential, confident, comfortable, and smart. Plus, she was funny and personable, which is something she struggles with. I thought she kicked ass in the debate. I still worry about her changing her mind and position for political reasons. It's fine to change your mind based on new information (which we all should do), but I worry that she does it as the wind blows right or left. That concerns me. but she is such a smart and capable woman who understands politics from every angle and seems like she would know how to get things done.
When I heard Bernie was running, I was excited. A true liberal! An *unapologetic* liberal! Woohoo! And I am still excited after watching him last night. My concerns with him are his electability and his single-minded focus on the poor/middle class. It's great to be from a liberal state and understand what Democratic Socialism is and know that it's not the devil seeping in to make us all communists or some other crooked thinking. I just wonder if he is the nominee, how many uneducated voters would simply not vote for him because he is a "Socialist"? As Anderson Cooper said, the attack ads write themselves. If people can be convinced that Obama is a socialist and hate him for it, what will they do with a man who labels himself as a socialist? And while I agree with all he says about focusing on the poor and middle class, I am concerned that it's all he has to offer. I'm afraid the debate last night didn't convince me otherwise. But here's the thing - I love his honesty. I love his forthrightness. I love that I totally believe every single word that comes out of his mouth. It's so rare in politics to have someone reach this level and still be true to themselves.
The thing that stands out to me is that the thing I love about Bernie is the thing I worry about in Hillary. He is sincere and honest and you never doubt his word. She is so political that you're never sure if she is speaking from the heart or if it's a political move. And then, the thing I love about Hillary is her political savvy and knowledge of the system, and that's one thing I think Bernie lacks as an overall candidate.
I looked at last night's debate as a way to clear things up in my mind, to help me decide who would better represent me as a candidate and eventual President. I don't think it cleared anything for me. I still like everything I liked about Bernie and still have the same concerns about him...and the same goes for Hillary.
The good news is that whichever becomes the eventual nominee (and eventual President, knock wood), I will be happy to support them.Clinton/Sanders 2016!
Firstly, just on the debate itself, wasn't it nice to watch adults talk about serious issues like adults? There was no circus, no badmouthing each other, no ugliness. No denial of science. No talk of whether any of the candidates heard god speaking to them about running. Just a debate about solutions. They disagreed but were never nasty to each other, and they made me proud to be a Democrat.
So now, to the candidates and where I stood before and after.
Throughout the campaigns thus far, I have been torn between Hillary and Bernie. I was hoping that the debate would clear that up for me. One thing that quickly became clear was that there is no other candidate currently in the race who would get my vote. Webb: too cantankerous, too whiny, too Dixiecrat, too much like a Republican. Chaffee: too wishy-washy, too weak, too many excuses for bad votes ("it was my first day and my dad just died" is the new "the dog ate my homework"). O'Malley: too reserved, too docile, too soft. The thing I will say for O'Malley is that in my mind, he has to get a little spicier but then he could be set up for another run down the road. And hell if he doesn't look presidential! With the three of them, I didn't really get a feel for why any of them want to be President or why they were running. They either had no passion, or misplaced passion ("I am not getting as much time as everyone else" is not the most passionate thing I want to hear from your face).
So, it's Bernie and Hillary. I've long supported Hillary, for lots of reasons. Some have to do with her qualifications (which are ginormous), some have to do with her being a woman and really wanting a smart and qualified woman to get into the White House, and some have to do with her having put in enough time standing behind Bill to now get her own chance. I did leave her for Obama in 2008, which was a really hard decision to make but one I would make again if I felt it was right for the country. Last night, I thought Hillary looked presidential, confident, comfortable, and smart. Plus, she was funny and personable, which is something she struggles with. I thought she kicked ass in the debate. I still worry about her changing her mind and position for political reasons. It's fine to change your mind based on new information (which we all should do), but I worry that she does it as the wind blows right or left. That concerns me. but she is such a smart and capable woman who understands politics from every angle and seems like she would know how to get things done.
When I heard Bernie was running, I was excited. A true liberal! An *unapologetic* liberal! Woohoo! And I am still excited after watching him last night. My concerns with him are his electability and his single-minded focus on the poor/middle class. It's great to be from a liberal state and understand what Democratic Socialism is and know that it's not the devil seeping in to make us all communists or some other crooked thinking. I just wonder if he is the nominee, how many uneducated voters would simply not vote for him because he is a "Socialist"? As Anderson Cooper said, the attack ads write themselves. If people can be convinced that Obama is a socialist and hate him for it, what will they do with a man who labels himself as a socialist? And while I agree with all he says about focusing on the poor and middle class, I am concerned that it's all he has to offer. I'm afraid the debate last night didn't convince me otherwise. But here's the thing - I love his honesty. I love his forthrightness. I love that I totally believe every single word that comes out of his mouth. It's so rare in politics to have someone reach this level and still be true to themselves.
The thing that stands out to me is that the thing I love about Bernie is the thing I worry about in Hillary. He is sincere and honest and you never doubt his word. She is so political that you're never sure if she is speaking from the heart or if it's a political move. And then, the thing I love about Hillary is her political savvy and knowledge of the system, and that's one thing I think Bernie lacks as an overall candidate.
I looked at last night's debate as a way to clear things up in my mind, to help me decide who would better represent me as a candidate and eventual President. I don't think it cleared anything for me. I still like everything I liked about Bernie and still have the same concerns about him...and the same goes for Hillary.
The good news is that whichever becomes the eventual nominee (and eventual President, knock wood), I will be happy to support them.Clinton/Sanders 2016!
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
Tween Friendships
It's hard to know what to do when your daughter is friends with someone, so you became friends with the mom, and now the girls are no longer friends but you are still friends with the mom. It's also really hard to figure out what I'm trying to say in that sentence.
TJK has been friends with Sam since kindergarten. Sam lives right around the corner and they walk and ride bikes to each other's houses and have sleepovers and hang out nearly every day. Well, they used to.
Now, TJK is not so fond of Sam anymore, and from what she told me, I can understand why. Sam is kind of whiny and she cries over everything and overreacts and storms off - basically, she is full of tantrums and that gets old, especially when you are nearly 12. They aren't little kids anymore. They are on the cusp of being teenagers and that kind of behavior can get annoying really quickly.
TJK has lots of other friends. Now, instead of going to Sam's, she is hanging out with any one of 8 or 10 other girls. So while I noticed she was no longer hanging out with Sam, I wasn't too worried because she is still surrounded by friends and isn't longing for her friendship with Sam. But Sam's mom emailed me yesterday, asking for help.
Sam doesn't have a lot of other friends. In fact, last year her mom told me that TJK was her only friend (and TJK acknowledged this and said that was one of the main reasons she hung out with her - she felt bad). So her mom is looking for me to help build a bridge between the girls, which I get because hers is suffering and it sucks to watch your kid suffer.
But TJK is good. She is fine with not hanging out with Sam anymore. She sees her in school and that's enough for her. I talked it all through with her last night and she has actually given it thought and weighed her options and taken the time to look at the entirety of their friendship...and based on what she has experienced, she has decided it's not worth it anymore.
Sam's mom told me that Sam is seeing a therapist. She seems to be a very sensitive kid who has just a small handful of friends who she holds up to nearly impossible standards, and then feels disappointed and angry when they can't meet those standards. TJK feels that she has been a really good friend to Sam - comforting her continuously when she gets sad or has a tantrum - and Sam doesn't seem to appreciate it. I can't blame TJK for saying "that's it, I've had enough."
But, when I'm friends with Sam's mom and I see her struggling and in pain because her daughter is struggling and in pain, it's hard to know how to guide TJK. I want to value and trust her opinions and decisions about who she wants to be friends with (and reinforce the idea that she gets to decide who is in and out of her life - she doesn't have to stay in relationships that make her feel bad or sad). But I also want her to be able to have compassion for her friend who is going through a rough time, and cut her some slack. That balance is not so easy, because tweens can be painfully black-and-white without seeing the many shades of grey.
So I'm going to see Sam's mom tonight, and we will talk and try to come up with a solution that helps her daughter while not hurting mine. And then, if the attempt does not work, we will see if she and I can remain friends when my kid wants nothing to do with hers.
TJK has been friends with Sam since kindergarten. Sam lives right around the corner and they walk and ride bikes to each other's houses and have sleepovers and hang out nearly every day. Well, they used to.
Now, TJK is not so fond of Sam anymore, and from what she told me, I can understand why. Sam is kind of whiny and she cries over everything and overreacts and storms off - basically, she is full of tantrums and that gets old, especially when you are nearly 12. They aren't little kids anymore. They are on the cusp of being teenagers and that kind of behavior can get annoying really quickly.
TJK has lots of other friends. Now, instead of going to Sam's, she is hanging out with any one of 8 or 10 other girls. So while I noticed she was no longer hanging out with Sam, I wasn't too worried because she is still surrounded by friends and isn't longing for her friendship with Sam. But Sam's mom emailed me yesterday, asking for help.
Sam doesn't have a lot of other friends. In fact, last year her mom told me that TJK was her only friend (and TJK acknowledged this and said that was one of the main reasons she hung out with her - she felt bad). So her mom is looking for me to help build a bridge between the girls, which I get because hers is suffering and it sucks to watch your kid suffer.
But TJK is good. She is fine with not hanging out with Sam anymore. She sees her in school and that's enough for her. I talked it all through with her last night and she has actually given it thought and weighed her options and taken the time to look at the entirety of their friendship...and based on what she has experienced, she has decided it's not worth it anymore.
Sam's mom told me that Sam is seeing a therapist. She seems to be a very sensitive kid who has just a small handful of friends who she holds up to nearly impossible standards, and then feels disappointed and angry when they can't meet those standards. TJK feels that she has been a really good friend to Sam - comforting her continuously when she gets sad or has a tantrum - and Sam doesn't seem to appreciate it. I can't blame TJK for saying "that's it, I've had enough."
But, when I'm friends with Sam's mom and I see her struggling and in pain because her daughter is struggling and in pain, it's hard to know how to guide TJK. I want to value and trust her opinions and decisions about who she wants to be friends with (and reinforce the idea that she gets to decide who is in and out of her life - she doesn't have to stay in relationships that make her feel bad or sad). But I also want her to be able to have compassion for her friend who is going through a rough time, and cut her some slack. That balance is not so easy, because tweens can be painfully black-and-white without seeing the many shades of grey.
So I'm going to see Sam's mom tonight, and we will talk and try to come up with a solution that helps her daughter while not hurting mine. And then, if the attempt does not work, we will see if she and I can remain friends when my kid wants nothing to do with hers.
Monday, October 12, 2015
"Like-Minded But Still Unique"
I went to the New York Botanical Garden with two of my girlfriends on Saturday. It's shocking to think I have never been there when it's right in the Bronx and so close to home, but it's true. It was really beautiful - peaceful. serene, relaxing. We went for the Frida Kahlo exhibit, which was nice. They had only 14 of her paintings there, so that part was kind of a disappointment. But in the conservatory, they had a whole exhibit of plants that are indigenous to Mexico and which you would see in Frida's garden as well as her paintings. I thought that was very well done and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
What struck me most about the day was just spending time with these particular friends. I have really only had one friend throughout my life who loves art and museums, and that's Jose. He and I generally head into the city once or twice a year to catch something at MOMA or some weird exhibit he has found in SOHO or something.
Finding out that these two friends of mine, who are fairly new friends made over the past couple of years, are art geeks too made me so happy. Making plans for this day was so easy and it all just fell together.
Louise picked Shari and I up at my house, dropping their daughters off to play with mine. As we drove to the Bronx, we talked about everything. These ladies don't hold back. I told them my niece was being baptized the next day, and that led us into a talk about religion. Louise plainly and matter-of-factly said, "Well, I don't believe in God so I didn't have my daughter baptized." She never even paused to consider whether we would think this was blasphemy or that she was the devil and we'd no longer allow our girls to play with hers. She just said it, because it's who she is. And she knew that she was speaking to two other strong-minded women who respect other's opinions and cultures, so even if we didn't agree with her, we would accept what she had said and not judge. Of course, Shari and I both went on to say that we did not believe in God either, but we did baptize our girls. It led to a wonderful discussion of religion and the world and America where we shared ideas and opinions and had a wonderfully civil conversation.
Later on, we ate lunch outside at the Gardens - tacos and Mexican beer from the food truck, there to support the Frida exhibit. We talked about family, men, marriage, children, dreams, race, gender, fears, aspirations...all in such a grown up and mature way. And on the ride home, we continued with the talks, and then back at my house we talked some more,
After we went our separate ways, I sent them a text saying that I had such a good time and thanking them for joining me (along with sending them some selfies we took). Louise replied that we needed to do more fun grown-up stuff together, and Shari replied with the title of this post - that she was so happy to have friends who are so like-minded but yet still so unique. I thought to myself, what more could you want?
It's really all you can hope for in a friend: someone who thinks in the same way you do, but who is true to herself and is her own person. I feel so lucky to have these two ladies in my life.
What struck me most about the day was just spending time with these particular friends. I have really only had one friend throughout my life who loves art and museums, and that's Jose. He and I generally head into the city once or twice a year to catch something at MOMA or some weird exhibit he has found in SOHO or something.
Finding out that these two friends of mine, who are fairly new friends made over the past couple of years, are art geeks too made me so happy. Making plans for this day was so easy and it all just fell together.
Louise picked Shari and I up at my house, dropping their daughters off to play with mine. As we drove to the Bronx, we talked about everything. These ladies don't hold back. I told them my niece was being baptized the next day, and that led us into a talk about religion. Louise plainly and matter-of-factly said, "Well, I don't believe in God so I didn't have my daughter baptized." She never even paused to consider whether we would think this was blasphemy or that she was the devil and we'd no longer allow our girls to play with hers. She just said it, because it's who she is. And she knew that she was speaking to two other strong-minded women who respect other's opinions and cultures, so even if we didn't agree with her, we would accept what she had said and not judge. Of course, Shari and I both went on to say that we did not believe in God either, but we did baptize our girls. It led to a wonderful discussion of religion and the world and America where we shared ideas and opinions and had a wonderfully civil conversation.
Later on, we ate lunch outside at the Gardens - tacos and Mexican beer from the food truck, there to support the Frida exhibit. We talked about family, men, marriage, children, dreams, race, gender, fears, aspirations...all in such a grown up and mature way. And on the ride home, we continued with the talks, and then back at my house we talked some more,
After we went our separate ways, I sent them a text saying that I had such a good time and thanking them for joining me (along with sending them some selfies we took). Louise replied that we needed to do more fun grown-up stuff together, and Shari replied with the title of this post - that she was so happy to have friends who are so like-minded but yet still so unique. I thought to myself, what more could you want?
It's really all you can hope for in a friend: someone who thinks in the same way you do, but who is true to herself and is her own person. I feel so lucky to have these two ladies in my life.
Thursday, October 08, 2015
Recharge, Reset, Restart
I am in a total funk at work. Well, that's not completely true. In my location, I am totally crushing it. I have been on my game with employee relations, with coaching, and with organizational strategy. I know, this stuff is super glamorous, right? Whatever, I'm good at it.
Where I'm struggling is with my boss. We seem to be like oil and water and I don't know how to fix it. Our personalities just don't mesh well, and she does not appreciate me or what I do or what I accomplish or even what my location does as a whole. At least that is the feeling I get from her.
It makes me not want to be here anymore. I love my co-workers, I love the company, I love the work I do here. But I don't do well with feeling stressed every single time I have to talk to her because I don't know how she is going to react to me. I'm too old to be all jacked up whenever a call with her is on the horizon.
I make a good living, though. And I have a slight purse/shoe/clothing/jewelry addiction. And I love the fact that I can travel pretty much wherever and stay in whatever hotel I want. I don't want to give up the sweet life which I have worked hard to achieve.
I was thinking last night about my passions. Like, if I didn't have to work for the money, what would I do? Where are my talents? What do I enjoy? What would I choose to do in my free time?
- travel
- fashion
- feminism
- craft beer
- music
- problem solving/mediating
Now if only I could find a job where I could solve people's problems whilst in Paris wearing Louboutins, Russian River beer in hand as I fight The Man to the tune of Fugazi's Suggestion.
Sigh.
Where I'm struggling is with my boss. We seem to be like oil and water and I don't know how to fix it. Our personalities just don't mesh well, and she does not appreciate me or what I do or what I accomplish or even what my location does as a whole. At least that is the feeling I get from her.
It makes me not want to be here anymore. I love my co-workers, I love the company, I love the work I do here. But I don't do well with feeling stressed every single time I have to talk to her because I don't know how she is going to react to me. I'm too old to be all jacked up whenever a call with her is on the horizon.
I make a good living, though. And I have a slight purse/shoe/clothing/jewelry addiction. And I love the fact that I can travel pretty much wherever and stay in whatever hotel I want. I don't want to give up the sweet life which I have worked hard to achieve.
I was thinking last night about my passions. Like, if I didn't have to work for the money, what would I do? Where are my talents? What do I enjoy? What would I choose to do in my free time?
- travel
- fashion
- feminism
- craft beer
- music
- problem solving/mediating
Now if only I could find a job where I could solve people's problems whilst in Paris wearing Louboutins, Russian River beer in hand as I fight The Man to the tune of Fugazi's Suggestion.
Sigh.
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