Finding My Joy After Not Becoming a Billionaire

I was hoping to win the Powerball's $1.5 billion last night and then I'd know exactly where my joy is: it's in my bank account. Alas, that dream did not come true, so now it's back to real life and time for that dream to rest for a bit.

When you think about winning that much money, you start thinking of all the things you would do if you could. You wouldn't have to work ever again, so your days and nights would be free to do whatever filled you with happiness. That idea gets the wheels turning on what you'd actually do with your time if you truly had free will to do what pleased you.

Here is where my mind went. Immediately, I set my travel plans. I'd plan for chunks of time in Africa, the Far East, Australia, the Galapagos Islands, Cuba, and Bora Bora, to start. Then I'd be off to Istanbul (terrorism be damned) and Morocco and Egypt, and then I'd take return trips to Spain and Italy and Croatia and Hawaii and Paris.

Then what? What else do I love? Beer. I'd perhaps open a gastropub, a casual one, in my current hometown. I'd hire people to run it well so we wouldn't fall victim to what so many other restaurants do. We'd brew a couple of our own beers (after hiring a Brewmaster), but mostly have craft beer from other breweries on tap. There would be lots of variety and lots of alternating taps. The food would be casual and hearty - classics with a twist, maybe.

I'd concentrate on working out, something I don't have time to do now as often as I'd like. I'd have a personal trainer and a chef who would cook healthy and delicious meals for picky ol' me. I'd work on making my body the healthiest it can be.

And I'd shop. Oh, would I shop. I think my first stop would be Chanel for a large quilted tote with the big interlocking C's on it. And then I'd order a beautiful Birkin bag. And then I'd shop for shoes and clothes and makeup until I dropped. And then I'd buy a Porsche Panamera.

Of course, I'd give some away. Some would go to family (my parents, of course) and friends. Some would go to charities I feel so strongly about (animal welfare. domestic violence survivors, veterans).

This morning, like everyone else in America, I woke up unable to do any of the things of which I had dreamed. It was back to the every day grind...which, I know, I know. I live a good life. I have a well-paying job and an amazing family and the ability to travel and drink good beer and eat good food and buy a nice bag every now and then. But does it all fulfill me? Does it fill me with happiness as life should? Most of it, yes. I can truly answer that with a yes. But when I think about work...

Work is such a mixed bag for me. The pay is good. I love my co-workers (mostly). I enjoy some of the work that I do, although it doesn't fill me with joy by any stretch. I occasionally feel like I make a difference. But I spend a good deal of time worrying about my job, wondering if it will still be here tomorrow. There is no peace in that, and I don't like living with a cloud over my shoulder.

And then I think...ok. So you didn't win the lottery. You aren't a bazillionaire. What would you do if you were laid off? What if you got a severance package and had the time to find something new? Would it be in HR? Would it be the same corporate grind, just at a new company? Or would it be a perfect chance to take a risk...to find what I loved and just go for it. Dedicate myself to it. Throw myself in, wholeheartedly. And where exactly would I be throwing myself...where does that passion lie?

I feel like I need to take some time to find answers to those questions so that my next life, post-this job, is one that makes me happy and doesn't just simply pay the bills.

Bad Work Ethic(s)

I have this co-worker. In the past, I also considered her a good friend and we were quite close. She is a lot of fun - wild, outspoken, hysterically funny. But over the past year or so, I can't get past the person she is at work in order to appreciate the person she is when she's not.

Her desk is right outside my office. I sit in the office that used to house our VP, so it's a big office with big glass walls with an admin's desk just outside of it. I face her all day long, and all day long I watch her do absolutely nothing. She is supposed to be the admin to the VP (who now sits at the other end of the hallway, far from her), but the VP gives her zero work to do. That's partially because she is the laziest person I have ever met and partially because she screws up everything she touches.

So right now, I'm looking out at her. What is she doing? She is staring at her screen and smiling, typing away. Now, we know that she isn't typing anything for work, because she has no work to do. Like, there is literally not one single thing she could actually be typing for work. So we know that she is Skyping with either one of the boys here who she flirts with at her desk for extended periods of time, or with one of the girls who are 15 years younger than her but she still recruits them as friends and talks about mundane bullshit with them at her desk for extended periods of time while everyone else is working. So basically, she follows up her extended bs chatfests at her desk with extended Skype bs sessions.

So why does this affect me? I'll tell you one reason. My department used to do employee activities. We tried to do different things each season and keep things interesting and fun for employees. Then, we were asked to have her do them so she would have something to do. I gave the responsibility to  to her, and she proceeded to delegate everything back to my team but still sent out the email announcements. That meant that we did all the heavy lifting and she got the credit.

Now, we are taking the activities back. We have been doing the same tired, boring things for years despite my asking her to spice things up and add some new ideas. So now we are trying to handle things, and she doesn't like it. She is pushing back and holding on and passive-aggressively trying to ruin things. And even if I have liked her as a person in the past, if not as an employee, how can I continue to have any patience for this kind of behavior?

I have high expectations of my friends - I can't help that. I give a lot and I expect a lot in return...but it's not just that. I also expect my friends to be good, honest people. A little crazy, a little unbalanced, a little trash-talky...yes. But at heart, good people with strong morals and solid ethics. The older I get, the less patience I have for people who aren't good at heart and the quicker I am to let them go.

Recharge, Reset, Restart

I am in a total funk at work. Well, that's not completely true. In my location, I am totally crushing it. I have been on my game with employee relations, with coaching, and with organizational strategy. I know, this stuff is super glamorous, right? Whatever, I'm good at it.

Where I'm struggling is with my boss. We seem to be like oil and water and I don't know how to fix it. Our personalities just don't mesh well, and she does not appreciate me or what I do or what I accomplish or even what my location does as a whole. At least that is the feeling I get from her.

It makes me not want to be here anymore. I love my co-workers, I love the company, I love the work I do here. But I don't do well with feeling stressed every single time I have to talk to her because I don't know how she is going to react to me. I'm too old to be all jacked up whenever a call with her is on the horizon.

I make a good living, though. And I have a slight purse/shoe/clothing/jewelry addiction. And I love the fact that I can travel pretty much wherever and stay in whatever hotel I want. I don't want to give up the sweet life which I have worked hard to achieve.

I was thinking last night about my passions. Like, if I didn't have to work for the money, what would I do? Where are my talents? What do I enjoy? What would I choose to do in my free time?

- travel
- fashion
- feminism
- craft beer
- music
- problem solving/mediating

Now if only I could find a job where I could solve people's problems whilst in Paris wearing Louboutins, Russian River beer in hand as I fight The Man to the tune of Fugazi's Suggestion.

Sigh.

A Weird Thing About Human Resources

There's this weird thing about working in Human Resources. I mean, there are LOTS of weird things about it, because people are weird and the situations they get themselves into are weird and having to deal with people's weirdness is...weird.

But I'm repeatedly faced with something in my role that challenges me, because I'm a pretty up front and honest person. If you come to me with an issue and you're wrong, I'll tell you so. If you are making a bad decision, I'll call you on it. So what do I do when I'm privy to information that I can't share? What do I do when I can't tell you what's coming because it's confidential, so I have to look you in the face and lie to you? Or give you recommendations or suggestions that are way off, because I know something you don't know and I have to lead you a certain way because of that knowledge?

Most of the time, what this entails is knowing that someone is going to be let go. Now, if you are being straight up fired, I'm the one to do it and I have made it clear to you that that's where we are headed. I have no issue with that situation.

But what happens when it's a layoff, and you haven't necessarily done something wrong but it's just time for you to go? You have no idea it's coming. I'm making plans for your departure and yet I have to smile in your face and sit in meetings with you while you make plans for the next 6 months...when I know you won't even be here anymore.

It feels like dishonesty to me. It feels like I should be giving you a heads up. Like, "Hey man, you might not want to bring that extra plant into work for your office...you're just going to have to bring it back home next week." Or, "Hey man, your three-year money-saving plan isn't going to be quite that long...why don't you consider a three-day plan instead?"

Of course, I can't do that. It's part of the job - confidentiality. I have to keep it to myself and make plans for when you won't be here anymore but act to your face as if you will. It's a really weird thing for a person who takes pride in her openness and honesty at work to handle. As I move up the ranks, it's something I have to contend with more and more because more information is entrusted to me. And while I love the increased pay that comes with moving up the ranks, having to lie to people's faces is something I could do without.