I was hoping to win the Powerball's $1.5 billion last night and then I'd know exactly where my joy is: it's in my bank account. Alas, that dream did not come true, so now it's back to real life and time for that dream to rest for a bit.
When you think about winning that much money, you start thinking of all the things you would do if you could. You wouldn't have to work ever again, so your days and nights would be free to do whatever filled you with happiness. That idea gets the wheels turning on what you'd actually do with your time if you truly had free will to do what pleased you.
Here is where my mind went. Immediately, I set my travel plans. I'd plan for chunks of time in Africa, the Far East, Australia, the Galapagos Islands, Cuba, and Bora Bora, to start. Then I'd be off to Istanbul (terrorism be damned) and Morocco and Egypt, and then I'd take return trips to Spain and Italy and Croatia and Hawaii and Paris.
Then what? What else do I love? Beer. I'd perhaps open a gastropub, a casual one, in my current hometown. I'd hire people to run it well so we wouldn't fall victim to what so many other restaurants do. We'd brew a couple of our own beers (after hiring a Brewmaster), but mostly have craft beer from other breweries on tap. There would be lots of variety and lots of alternating taps. The food would be casual and hearty - classics with a twist, maybe.
I'd concentrate on working out, something I don't have time to do now as often as I'd like. I'd have a personal trainer and a chef who would cook healthy and delicious meals for picky ol' me. I'd work on making my body the healthiest it can be.
And I'd shop. Oh, would I shop. I think my first stop would be Chanel for a large quilted tote with the big interlocking C's on it. And then I'd order a beautiful Birkin bag. And then I'd shop for shoes and clothes and makeup until I dropped. And then I'd buy a Porsche Panamera.
Of course, I'd give some away. Some would go to family (my parents, of course) and friends. Some would go to charities I feel so strongly about (animal welfare. domestic violence survivors, veterans).
This morning, like everyone else in America, I woke up unable to do any of the things of which I had dreamed. It was back to the every day grind...which, I know, I know. I live a good life. I have a well-paying job and an amazing family and the ability to travel and drink good beer and eat good food and buy a nice bag every now and then. But does it all fulfill me? Does it fill me with happiness as life should? Most of it, yes. I can truly answer that with a yes. But when I think about work...
Work is such a mixed bag for me. The pay is good. I love my co-workers (mostly). I enjoy some of the work that I do, although it doesn't fill me with joy by any stretch. I occasionally feel like I make a difference. But I spend a good deal of time worrying about my job, wondering if it will still be here tomorrow. There is no peace in that, and I don't like living with a cloud over my shoulder.
And then I think...ok. So you didn't win the lottery. You aren't a bazillionaire. What would you do if you were laid off? What if you got a severance package and had the time to find something new? Would it be in HR? Would it be the same corporate grind, just at a new company? Or would it be a perfect chance to take a risk...to find what I loved and just go for it. Dedicate myself to it. Throw myself in, wholeheartedly. And where exactly would I be throwing myself...where does that passion lie?
I feel like I need to take some time to find answers to those questions so that my next life, post-this job, is one that makes me happy and doesn't just simply pay the bills.
Showing posts with label risk taking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label risk taking. Show all posts
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
A BearWolf Attacked Us in Asheville
I am petrified of nature. Like, I hate and am afraid of 98% of everything the outdoors has to offer. I don't like bugs or wild animals or dirt or walking on dirt with bugs flying at me and the threat of wild animals attacking at every turn. It's just not my thing. I am a city girl through and through. But about a year ago, my husband and I went to Denver and took a side trip to Rocky Mountain National Park. We stayed just outside the park in a lovely little town called Estes Park, in a lovely little cabin surrounded by woods and a creek and real live elk. Of course, the cabin was luxe and had all the amenities I could ever want, but I did enjoy that cabin in the woods. I even enjoyed watching the elk as it was mating season and the dynamics were fascinating. The male was in charge, sure, and he would bellow to keep his harem in line. But then you'd see one female roll her eyes at him and another female would be like, hell yeah, I'm eye rolling too, this guy is just too much. And they would stand up and walk away. He'd yell and yell but they'd just keep walking and there was nothing he could do. I mean, he still had like 50 more ladies in his crew so he wasn't suffering, but it was kind of empowering to see the ladies say, I've had enough of your yelling and I'm out.
When it was time to pick a place to stay in Asheville, we looked in the city itself at some of the more upscale hotels, and we also looked in the mountains for a pretty, remote place to stay. I agreed to stay in the mountains (in a 3 bedroom cabin with a wall of windows overlooking the view, 2 hot tubs, 3 full bathrooms, a flat screen tv over the fireplace, and a game room with a pool table...so trust me, we were not roughing it) because I had a good experience in the Rockies so I was willing to try it again.
To jump to the end of the story - I loved the cabin, I loved the woods, I loved the whole experience of coming back there at night and sitting in front of the fireplace under blankets with my family and watching a movie, and waking up in the morning to a house filled with natural light and a view of utter gorgeousness. It was really delightful. But back to the beginning of the story...
We got to the cabin at about 11pm, and it was dark as hell up there. This cabin was wayyyy up on the mountain, and only part of the road was paved. So for about 25 minutes of the 40 minute drive up, we were on a one lane, unpaved, edge-of-cliff road. In the pitch black dark. This was the route on the GPS, to show you how windy and remote this road was:
We get to the cabin and need a flashlight to get from the car to the front door. It is that dark. I can't see if a bear or deer or mountain lion is about to eat me, and I am petrified. The front door has a light on, which is great, except that since it is the only light for miles, it has attracted every moth in Western North Carolina (WNC, they call it. The people call it that, not the moths. I was too afraid of the moths to ask them what they call it.). We fight the moths off and get into the cabin. Whew, it's really nice and the internet didn't lie when it said this was a great place to stay. We check out all the rooms, and I check every pocket of space for squatters who could be holed up there for the winter and find none, so I'm happy. Yep, I'm that brand of crazy.
I go into the bedroom to change into my jammies and I hear Hubby and TJK's voices raise a bit. I listen carefully through the wall and hear them talking about some kind of bug in the kitchen. I try not to freak out - I mean, we have bugs in NJ too and you can just throw your shoe at them and it's all good. Or you can be like TJK and usher them gently out the window or door so they can go haunt someone else's life. Anyway, I start to come out of the bedroom and TJK comes running in and tells me not to come out.
"You don't want to see what's out there, Mommy. You won't like it."
"What is it? What kind of bug?"
"It's a spider but not the normal kind, it's like the kind you see in books."
"How big is it? Like scary big?"
She nods. "Yeah, its like this big," and she puts her forefingers and thumbs together to make the biggest circle I've ever seen.
"You're exaggerating."
"No, I'm not. I came in here to stop you from seeing it because I know you will freak out, but if you don't believe me, go look for yourself."
"No thank you, I have chosen to believe you and will stay in this room. Is Daddy killing it?"
"Daddy says it's too big to smoosh and he doesn't know what to do with it. If he tries to hit it and misses it might jump on him and bite him and he'll die of poisoning. So he is going to trap it under something and then figure it out. I need to go help him, bye," and with that she left me alone to imagine myself covered in bugs and scratching myself like crazy,
So eventually, they got the thing under a glass, onto a plate, and flung him off the deck into the woods. Of course, I couldn't sleep all night because I was sure he was angry and had made his way back into the house to eat my face while I was sleeping. Thankfully this did not happen and I still have my face.
The next morning, the cabin was filled with light and the view was stunning. We could see the mountains in the distance, the changing leaves on the trees, and no one else around for miles. As long as I didn't remind myself that if I was murdered up there, no one would hear me scream or find my body, I was truly in heaven. TJK and I went out on the deck and just stood in awe of the beauty of the scenery, and then talked about whether we could live in a place like this if hand-sized spiders didn't exist.
All of a sudden, out of the corner of my eye I see a huge beast making its way towards us. It wasn't lumbering, as you would have expected of a bear that was going to eat you, but it was more barreling towards us like a big fuzzy freight train with an appetite for human flesh. We both screamed bloody murder and I grabbed her and ran into the house, trying to shut the door before the animal could make a solid breakfast out of us. Then I see Hubby's face - rolling his eyes and laughing at us from inside the glass doors, and I can't imagine why he thinks it is funny that we just barely escaped being murdered.
TJK and I turn back to see the beast we have just escaped, only to find that it was not a bear at all, but a big, fluffy dog that has now rolled over on her back so we can rub her belly. My heart is still racing and I start laughing, and TJK yells at the mutt, "I THOUGHT YOU WERE A WOLF! THAT WAS MEAN!"
We pet the dog for some time and fell in love with her. We found out from her tags that her name was, in fact, Bear. So I was kind of right that a Bear tried to eat us except that instead of "eating us" she "forced us to pet her by being cute." Same, same. And also, she has one brown eye and one light blue eye, which means she was really part wolf or at least part Siberian Husky so TJK says, same, same.
We didn't see any wildlife after that - not a squirrel, nor a chipmunk, nor bear nor wolf nor tarantula. The only wildlife we saw were birds, and me drinking a lot of beer and dancing a bit. Which is the only kind of wildlife I really like: myself.
All in all, I did love the cabin and I loved Bear and I loved the mountain and I did not love the spider but I got over it mostly. And I can't wait to go back.
When it was time to pick a place to stay in Asheville, we looked in the city itself at some of the more upscale hotels, and we also looked in the mountains for a pretty, remote place to stay. I agreed to stay in the mountains (in a 3 bedroom cabin with a wall of windows overlooking the view, 2 hot tubs, 3 full bathrooms, a flat screen tv over the fireplace, and a game room with a pool table...so trust me, we were not roughing it) because I had a good experience in the Rockies so I was willing to try it again.
To jump to the end of the story - I loved the cabin, I loved the woods, I loved the whole experience of coming back there at night and sitting in front of the fireplace under blankets with my family and watching a movie, and waking up in the morning to a house filled with natural light and a view of utter gorgeousness. It was really delightful. But back to the beginning of the story...
We got to the cabin at about 11pm, and it was dark as hell up there. This cabin was wayyyy up on the mountain, and only part of the road was paved. So for about 25 minutes of the 40 minute drive up, we were on a one lane, unpaved, edge-of-cliff road. In the pitch black dark. This was the route on the GPS, to show you how windy and remote this road was:
 |
| Who creates roads that curves and twist and jackknife like this? Mountain people, that's who, to torture city folk. |
I go into the bedroom to change into my jammies and I hear Hubby and TJK's voices raise a bit. I listen carefully through the wall and hear them talking about some kind of bug in the kitchen. I try not to freak out - I mean, we have bugs in NJ too and you can just throw your shoe at them and it's all good. Or you can be like TJK and usher them gently out the window or door so they can go haunt someone else's life. Anyway, I start to come out of the bedroom and TJK comes running in and tells me not to come out.
"You don't want to see what's out there, Mommy. You won't like it."
"What is it? What kind of bug?"
"It's a spider but not the normal kind, it's like the kind you see in books."
"How big is it? Like scary big?"
She nods. "Yeah, its like this big," and she puts her forefingers and thumbs together to make the biggest circle I've ever seen.
"You're exaggerating."
"No, I'm not. I came in here to stop you from seeing it because I know you will freak out, but if you don't believe me, go look for yourself."
"No thank you, I have chosen to believe you and will stay in this room. Is Daddy killing it?"
"Daddy says it's too big to smoosh and he doesn't know what to do with it. If he tries to hit it and misses it might jump on him and bite him and he'll die of poisoning. So he is going to trap it under something and then figure it out. I need to go help him, bye," and with that she left me alone to imagine myself covered in bugs and scratching myself like crazy,
So eventually, they got the thing under a glass, onto a plate, and flung him off the deck into the woods. Of course, I couldn't sleep all night because I was sure he was angry and had made his way back into the house to eat my face while I was sleeping. Thankfully this did not happen and I still have my face.
The next morning, the cabin was filled with light and the view was stunning. We could see the mountains in the distance, the changing leaves on the trees, and no one else around for miles. As long as I didn't remind myself that if I was murdered up there, no one would hear me scream or find my body, I was truly in heaven. TJK and I went out on the deck and just stood in awe of the beauty of the scenery, and then talked about whether we could live in a place like this if hand-sized spiders didn't exist.
All of a sudden, out of the corner of my eye I see a huge beast making its way towards us. It wasn't lumbering, as you would have expected of a bear that was going to eat you, but it was more barreling towards us like a big fuzzy freight train with an appetite for human flesh. We both screamed bloody murder and I grabbed her and ran into the house, trying to shut the door before the animal could make a solid breakfast out of us. Then I see Hubby's face - rolling his eyes and laughing at us from inside the glass doors, and I can't imagine why he thinks it is funny that we just barely escaped being murdered.
TJK and I turn back to see the beast we have just escaped, only to find that it was not a bear at all, but a big, fluffy dog that has now rolled over on her back so we can rub her belly. My heart is still racing and I start laughing, and TJK yells at the mutt, "I THOUGHT YOU WERE A WOLF! THAT WAS MEAN!"
 |
| The picture is facing this way because she was legit just laying on her back the whole time begging to be massaged. She looks like neither bear nor wolf, in reality. |
We didn't see any wildlife after that - not a squirrel, nor a chipmunk, nor bear nor wolf nor tarantula. The only wildlife we saw were birds, and me drinking a lot of beer and dancing a bit. Which is the only kind of wildlife I really like: myself.
All in all, I did love the cabin and I loved Bear and I loved the mountain and I did not love the spider but I got over it mostly. And I can't wait to go back.
Friday, June 12, 2015
Random Stuff in My Head
I leave for London a week from today and I feel so unprepared. I mostly have to figure out dogsitting for my beloved elderly pitbull and pack my suitcase. Packing is always dreadful for me because I have a system and I follow it, and then I throw everything else I own in the suitcase just in case. I literally plan out each outfit I'm going to wear, for day and evening, with shoes and jewelry and whatever other crazy accessories I conjure up. I make a spreadsheet. I try all the outfits on with their corresponding accessories and shoes. I go through them multiple times, counting the days and the events I'll be attending (sightseeing at Tower of London? check! An evening at the theater? check!) and reviewing each outfit for comfort and packability and appropriateness. I get them all into my suitcase, with room to spare! And I feel great about it! But then, the panic enters. What if I spill something on a shirt? What if my pants rip? What if I am suddenly summoned to see the Queen? OH MY GOD PUT EVERYTHING IN THE SUITCASE AS A PRECAUTION! DEAR GOD, DO IT NOW! And that is how I pack.
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A friend of mine is moving to Colorado in a few weeks. We became friends because our daughters were friends, but then our daughters started actively disliking each other. But we are still friends.
We could not be more opposite. We call that out in ourselves all the time. She is the yoga-loving hippie and I am the rocker girl. Because of our core differences, we have had issues with each other in the past. It's bound to happen. But nothing insurmountable, and I will miss them being around.
She and her husband (a cool guy who I consider a friend as well) had a party last weekend to see us all before they move. And they are just so zen about moving. So happy to be going to a place with a big sky and lots of open land. So at peace with leaving the hubbub of NJ/NY behind them. And it made me think about the prospect of moving. With TJK being the kind of kid she is (very traditional, very close with her friends, very close with my parents, in love with our house and neighborhood) I would never uproot her like that. I couldn't do it. But if I had my druthers, would I move?
I've always said no. I am a True Jersey Girl, after all. I couldn't live anywhere else. But lately as I have traveled, I've looked with new eyes. I've come to appreciate a slightly slower pace, as well as slightly more space. I love where I live because I'm 10 miles from NYC, an hour-ish from Philly, a half hour from the beach and a half hour from skiing. Everything you could want is less than a day trip away. Looking for high end stores? They are here. Target? Here. A gas station? Right on the corner around the block. Nothing is far. But maybe that's not such a good thing all the time. What would it be like to live with a little bit of peace? Some quiet, even?
I don't know if I will ever find out, but it has made me think and consider. I'll have to live through R&J in the meantime...but maybe someday, the world will have to get ready for True ??? Girl, on the hunt for a new stomping ground.
---------------------
A friend of mine is moving to Colorado in a few weeks. We became friends because our daughters were friends, but then our daughters started actively disliking each other. But we are still friends.
We could not be more opposite. We call that out in ourselves all the time. She is the yoga-loving hippie and I am the rocker girl. Because of our core differences, we have had issues with each other in the past. It's bound to happen. But nothing insurmountable, and I will miss them being around.
She and her husband (a cool guy who I consider a friend as well) had a party last weekend to see us all before they move. And they are just so zen about moving. So happy to be going to a place with a big sky and lots of open land. So at peace with leaving the hubbub of NJ/NY behind them. And it made me think about the prospect of moving. With TJK being the kind of kid she is (very traditional, very close with her friends, very close with my parents, in love with our house and neighborhood) I would never uproot her like that. I couldn't do it. But if I had my druthers, would I move?
I've always said no. I am a True Jersey Girl, after all. I couldn't live anywhere else. But lately as I have traveled, I've looked with new eyes. I've come to appreciate a slightly slower pace, as well as slightly more space. I love where I live because I'm 10 miles from NYC, an hour-ish from Philly, a half hour from the beach and a half hour from skiing. Everything you could want is less than a day trip away. Looking for high end stores? They are here. Target? Here. A gas station? Right on the corner around the block. Nothing is far. But maybe that's not such a good thing all the time. What would it be like to live with a little bit of peace? Some quiet, even?
I don't know if I will ever find out, but it has made me think and consider. I'll have to live through R&J in the meantime...but maybe someday, the world will have to get ready for True ??? Girl, on the hunt for a new stomping ground.
Thursday, June 04, 2015
Fashion Forward, Part Deux
A couple of posts ago, I wrote about how I was sort of ahead of my time these days on the fashion tip. Friends would mock and judge my fashion decisions (which were really not all that daring...I think they were just used to me wearing jeans and black shirts all the time, the same as they did). I cared a little, but not enough to stop me from looking to the runway and making bold choices. We are going to Chili's for dinner? Ok, sounds like a reason to wear this faux-fur boa collar and over the knee oxblood boots!
Anyway, after I posted that, I had two new experiences that made me reflect on what I had written. One was with the colleague who was hating on my double-ball earrings. I wore them again (well, different pair, different metal, same style). She said, "Oh! You're wearing those again! I have to tell you, I had never seen them before and then you wore them and I didn't know what they were all about, and then I saw Madelyn (a co-worker) wearing the same style! You are both so fashionable, I guess I was out of the loop completely on the weird earring trend." Yes, honey, you are. She went on to say that she realized that when she hated on mine, it was only because it was new to her and now that she'd seen them a few times, they were growing on her. I had a few choice statements for her, which I kept in my head, and I just smiled and told her to just follow my lead if she wanted to keep up.
Then, I was out with the boyfriend of the friend who mocked my capes and statement jewelry a few years back. We were hanging out inside at a brewery and all was well. Then we went to sit outside for a bit and I put on my new favorite sunglasses. He starts laughing and says, "Oh TJG, what are those glasses about? You are so strange!" Mind you, these glasses are nothing crazy. I have way crazier glasses than these! And that made me think for a minute. Anything outside the norm - outside of the black, jeans, simplicity, plainness that people were used to seeing me in for so many years - and I was going to be judged.
But who was judging me, exactly? Were these people whose fashion sense I admired? Were these people who took risks and kept on top of trends and created their own versions of them? Were these people who could stand anything outside of the complete and utter norm? No, no, and no. So why would I even care? And I realized that I didn't...and that in fact. I kind of liked it that these people looked at me funny. Because really, they are stuck where they are, wearing the same tired things they have worn for the 15 years I have known them.
Today: wearing a floor length pleated skirt (TOTALLY outside my comfort zone) that swirls around me when I walk. I love it. And I have gotten so many compliments from everyone I have seen. My goals for getting dressed in the morning are:
Anyway, after I posted that, I had two new experiences that made me reflect on what I had written. One was with the colleague who was hating on my double-ball earrings. I wore them again (well, different pair, different metal, same style). She said, "Oh! You're wearing those again! I have to tell you, I had never seen them before and then you wore them and I didn't know what they were all about, and then I saw Madelyn (a co-worker) wearing the same style! You are both so fashionable, I guess I was out of the loop completely on the weird earring trend." Yes, honey, you are. She went on to say that she realized that when she hated on mine, it was only because it was new to her and now that she'd seen them a few times, they were growing on her. I had a few choice statements for her, which I kept in my head, and I just smiled and told her to just follow my lead if she wanted to keep up.
 |
| Riri wears the same earrings I wear. Or, I wear the same earrings she wears. Are they really that crazy? |
Then, I was out with the boyfriend of the friend who mocked my capes and statement jewelry a few years back. We were hanging out inside at a brewery and all was well. Then we went to sit outside for a bit and I put on my new favorite sunglasses. He starts laughing and says, "Oh TJG, what are those glasses about? You are so strange!" Mind you, these glasses are nothing crazy. I have way crazier glasses than these! And that made me think for a minute. Anything outside the norm - outside of the black, jeans, simplicity, plainness that people were used to seeing me in for so many years - and I was going to be judged.
 |
| Really? These sunnies are that crazy? I think not, and I love them. |
But who was judging me, exactly? Were these people whose fashion sense I admired? Were these people who took risks and kept on top of trends and created their own versions of them? Were these people who could stand anything outside of the complete and utter norm? No, no, and no. So why would I even care? And I realized that I didn't...and that in fact. I kind of liked it that these people looked at me funny. Because really, they are stuck where they are, wearing the same tired things they have worn for the 15 years I have known them.
Today: wearing a floor length pleated skirt (TOTALLY outside my comfort zone) that swirls around me when I walk. I love it. And I have gotten so many compliments from everyone I have seen. My goals for getting dressed in the morning are:
- Feel confident in what I have chosen. This means no tugging, pulling, hiking up, etc.
- Feel good about myself when I look in the mirror before I walk out the door.
- Feel like what I am wearing is a representation of me and my personality.
Today I hit all three of those marks. I don't always. But today, I feel confident, I feel good about myself, and I feel like me. So any of you haters out there: Come at me, bro.
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