Random Questions in my Head That Are Making Me Not Sleep

Can you still consider yourself a generous person if you are very giving with people and "treat" all the time because you know you make more money than others, but yet you get pissed off when people are not appreciative? In particular, when you take your kid's friends out to expensive events, treat them to dinners, buy them the keepsakes that come along with the events...and the parents never even text you a "thanks"? Are you still generous if you are bitter about your giving?

Is it wrong to really want a promotion because it will pay you a lot more money but really not want it because you aren't sure you want more responsibility and work?

Should I feel bad that a co-worker, who sucks at actual work and has for years, is going to be laid off? What if she is lazy af and is kind of an asshole, but she smiles in your face and pretends that you are still good friends?

What car should I get? I'm looking at the Lexus RX350 or the Range Rover Evoque SE Premium. I really like the Range Rover the best but it is known for being unreliable, and everyone I know with a Lexus loves it. And what about the fact that what I really and truly in my heart want is the Porsche Panamera? Will I always resent the fact that I am not getting what I really want? And, if I'm taking the promotion with all the extra work and commitment, do I owe it to myself to at least check out the more expensive and more perfect car?

What do you do when your daughter has become best friends with a boy and a girl, and things then start getting teenager-y? Like, its the three of them all the time, and they get along great. And now, I think the boy and girl are starting to like each other, and then my kiddo is left out. How do I help her manage that?

What happens when you get to an age where you decide you will take no shit from anyone, and that people who are ignorant or annoying or careless will have no place in your life...and then realize you are maybe becoming intolerant of imperfection? Where do you draw the line between what is acceptable and what isn't? How do you know when you are cutting too many people out of your life, and how do you know if you are using good reasons to cut them out?

How do you remove yourself from solving everyone else's problems when you can't even solve your own? If you are overwhelmed with your own petty life decisions and issues, why do people even think you are capable of tackling their problems? And why do I think I'm capable of this?

Will I be able to get past the pit in my stomach every time I see a friend/family member/high school acquaintance post their support for Bret Kavanaugh? It's taking everything in me to not drive to Louisiana and beat the crap out of my cousins for things they have posted (but then I have never met them in person so why do I even care?). This whole Kavanaugh thing is making me insane and I feel like the world is on fire and that none of these other issues means anything because Trump and his collection of douchebros are going to kill us all anyway so why even bother getting up in the morning?
 

Blathering on about Shitty Friends Acting Shitty

I've mentioned here before about a friend of mine, a very dear friend, whose parenting style is the complete opposite of mine. Which, generally, who cares? But her parenting style keeps bumping up against mine in unexpected ways and I am so over it.

M has been a friend of TJK since kindergarten. They have been best friends at times, but have drifted apart over the past few years. M is running with a mean girls crowd, and TJK has no time for that. But they are still friendly and have several close friends in common.

The one example from the past that always sticks with me is when they went to art camp together. M's mom was going to drive them there each day and I would pick them up. After day 1, M decided she didn't want to go anymore. There was a homeless man at the park sitting on a bench, and it freaked her out. M's mom agreed that she would not go back. The impact of this was: 1) now my kid is at camp alone, after we signed them up together, 2) now I have to drive both ways to camp, which did not jive with my work schedule, and 3) M was taught that you can just bail out of whatever you want without thinking of anyone else. There have been multiple instances like this, where M just deserts her friends or an obligation because she feels like it. Another was at performing arts camp, where we signed the girls up for post-camp dance lessons because they ran till 6 and then M decided she didn't want to take the classes and TJK ended up there alone. For 3 weeks.

My parenting style is the opposite of this. And really, it's not just parenting style, its the core of who I am. If TJK had committed to camp (or anything) with a friend and I had committed to driving, I would never let either of us bail. It's a commitment and it impacts other people. At some point you need to learn that the world does not revolve around you, and when you are a kid is the time to learn. M is going to be in for a rude awakening when she goes out into the real world (if she ever does).

So what happened today to bring this up? Months and months ago, a mutual friend invited M and TJK to go see some Youtubers they love this coming weekend. M's mom and I made plans to take the kids to the venue and then hang out for drinks and then bring the kids home. This morning I get a text from M's mom saying that M had been invited to something else this weekend and she really wanted to go, so she was going to let M go to this other event instead of the one she committed to all those months ago. I can't comprehend how this is ok. M already committed to going to to event. You already committed to driving with me and then having a girls night. What are you teaching your kid? How are you treating your friend? Everything is disposable; everything is replaceable when something better comes along.

I worry about M, and that she is never going to be able to stick with anything, or get through anything rough because she hasn't had to muddle through anything unpleasant, or deal with anything that isn't exactly what she wants to do at that moment. And, I worry about my friendship with M's mom because honestly, I can't take this kind of spoiling your kid at the expense of everyone around you. And she hasn't given me a second thought either. Just like with the camps where her actions meant more work for me, she hasn't considered that her decisions will impact me. Is it just that she spoils her kid so much that she can't see outside it? Or is it that, just like M, she doesn't consider anyone else when she makes decisions?

I am really angry right now, which for this moment means ignoring her text so I don't explode on her. I know if I open my brain onto her about how I am feeling right now, it will probably end our friendship. Meanness is coursing through my veins and I want to tell her how her actions impact others and how they are setting up her kid for a lifetime of unhappiness. And I know that won't go over too well, at all.

WWMD? (What Would Mama Do?)

It's hard to describe how difficult it is to parent a teenage girl.

I know I was one, and I know I was a particularly difficult one. And for that, mom, I'm sorry.

My girl isn't difficult (yet) in the way I was. She is not rebellious, she is not a rule-breaker or even a rule-tester, and she talks to me and her dad all the time in great detail. Whereas my parents knew nothing about what was going on in my life or mind, TJK shares everything with us. And that's where my difficulty comes in.

TJK tells me when her feelings get hurt by her friends. The other day, she was with four friends at the fireworks in town.  One friend took off as soon as they got there, and then there were 4. Two of the girls were kind of huddled together talking, not including the other two. TJK was one of the ones who was left out (although she was "left out" with one of the other girls, who she was talking to the whole time, so...). She called me, right from the fireworks, because her feelings were hurt. She needed advice so she wanted to talk to me.

Now this is fantastic in so many ways. TJK tends to be shy and doesn't like to start trouble (again, the opposite of me). So in this case, I told her to talk to the other girls and either a) confront them about why they weren't talking to anyone else or b) just start talking to them and make conversation...basically, just include yourself if they weren't going to include you. Or, the third option: just hang out with Girl 4 and have a great time laughing and talking so you aren't missing out on anything - you are creating your own fun. She actually chose option A - I was so proud - and did it in her own, nicer and kinder way. And it worked for her.

So why is this difficult? It all worked out in the end, right? Well, do most kids call their moms from the fireworks, with a group of their friends around, to ask advice and vent? What do her friends think? And why can't she channel me in her mind instead of calling? I mean, she knows what advice I am going to give (be bold, ask questions, confront bad behavior in whatever form, be strong). Am I raising her to be too dependent on me?

When she was little and would have little girl problems, I would tell her there was nothing I couldn't figure out a way to fix. She would tell me her issues and we would talk them through and find solutions. It's what I do best. It's why I'm good at my job and why I'm (mostly) good at life. I think I thought showing her strength and showing her how I came to solutions would help her do the same. But I'm afraid it's just made her dependent on me to solve her problems.

So, what do you do with that when you are talking about a teenage girl? A girl who has a great group of girlfriends, but who is heading into the unknown world of high school? A girl who is spending more and more time with the cute boy in her class? A girl who is now in a punk band that plays in bars and who could easily be put in compromising situations with drinking and drugs and sex? A girl who will get her driver's permit in a year and a half?

Part of me says I have to let her start figuring out her own problems. And the other part says, some of these problems are big and could have life-altering consequences and the fact that she comes to me is a huge plus. I know that the kid she is now would call me if her driver was drinking. I know that the kid she is now would tell me when she finally kisses the cute boy in her class. I know that the kid she is now would share it with me if she was offered drugs or if a boy got "fresh" with her. So is now really the time to cut that cord?

As I'm writing, the solution has perhaps become clearer (which is why I love to write - it clears my head). I need to use these little problems as tests. When she is at the fireworks and two friends make her feel sad, I need to ask her what she thinks she should do. I need to not give her the answers, but help her learn my process for finding solutions. I need to help her find which avenue she should take instead of driving her there myself.

I need to buy her a WWMD bracelet so I'm always in her head when she's making decisions.

Random Stuff on a Thursday

We replanned vacations yet again. Budapest flights went up so I thought, hmmm, we have been wanting to go back to Ireland and take TJK and do the north and northwest of the country as well as Northern Ireland. So we looked into flights and they were cheap going to Dublin. So, off to Ireland we go! We will fly into Dublin, then head north through the area my family is from to then spend a few days in Belfast (SO psyched for this), then head north to the Giant's Causeway and drive all the way across to Galway, with many stops along the way. I am disappointed that we won't see Budapest this year (or next, since our big Hawaii trip is next year), but I really can't complain.

And, on a further travel note, I just got approval to take a business trip that I have dying to go on...so off I go to New Orleans in a few months! I am SO excited about it because it adds yet another trip this year. Hubby is going to come with me and we are leaving TJK with my parents, so it'll be nice for just the two of us to get away. We have been taking her on most of our trips nowadays so being on our own will be a nice change, especially in one of our favorite cities.
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On Sunday, I went out for drinks with a friend of mine who is fairly politically active. She invited me and a few other ladies out to celebrate the failure of Trumpcare...our toast was "Fuck Trump!" It was so great to spend a few hours with like-minded, smart, funny, mouthy broads talking intelligently about what's going on in the world and what we can do about it. So often with my friends, we vent and complain about the world but never come up with solutions. With this group, we had great conversation interspersed with great ideas for how we can change the world. It felt pretty good.
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Work sucks the big one lately. I hate my role sometimes because I always have to be the bad guy. I am admired at work for being tough and always having the right things to say, but that means that the responsibility for saying the tough things often falls on me. And that gets tiresome. I love my co-workers and my employees (most of them, anyway), but their blind spots and weak points get to me sometimes. This is one of those times. I know it will pass; it always does. But when I'm in the midst of it, it feels like I am buried in mud to my throat.
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I love my outfit today. I have on a deep blue sweater with big bell sleeves and ties around the wrists (interesting sleeves are hot this season and I am all about it), kick flare jeans that have differently-dyed sides (meaning the jeans are a light blue and the sides are a deeper blue - also very hot this season), cute blue pointy flats, and a great, sparkly necklace one of my employees bought me for Christmas last year. I always feel better when I look cute.
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I cannot believe it is only Thursday - this has been the longest week ever. Tuesday felt like Thursday, which means that every other day has felt like it should be the weekend already. And we already have one more day to go! I planned a work friends happy hour tomorrow night, so at least I have that to look forward to.
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And finally, pride is overwhelming me when it comes to my kiddo! She tried out for and made the school play, which is next week. Tonight is the open house for the kids who will be coming into middle school next year, and the drama teacher picked a scene from the play to enact for the open house tonight - and TJK's part was selected! I can't wait to see her. I say it all the time, but I don't know how I got so lucky to have a kid who is so talented, so smart (straight A's in all honors classes), so kind, and so beautiful. And, so happy. She is the happiest kid alive, about 95% of the time. I am so incredibly lucky to have her as my kid. Not to mention that she is 13 and in middle school, and kids are already fighting and drinking and making out and all that stuff....and as of now, she still have her head on really straight. I am so proud of her :)

Karma Bites a Mean Mom Gently on the Ass

So let's talk about this here since it's impolite and mean to talk badly about other people's children. So while I have talked about this with my husband and will share it with one of my besties, I don't want to come off like I am reveling in the failure of a child. But I am, and I don't really and truly care all that much.

Years ago, I was really good friends with a woman I will call M. She constantly told me that I was like her sister, that no one understood her the way I did, and that I was the only one she could truly confide in. How nice to have a friend like this! Our families spent a lot of time together, going to the movies, dinners, Broadway plays, and hanging out at each other's houses. Our daughters were in the same grade and in the same class, so our families were a perfect fit.

We had a mutual friend, L, whose daughter was also in the same class as our daughters. I never had a problem with L, although I didn't love her parenting and thought her daughter was a bit of a douche. But we were friendly, and M and L were friendly as well.

Then one day at school, L's daughter hit TJK in the head with a rock at aftercare. I am a pretty calm person in these situations, actually - I handled it well, knowing that kids are kids and while I wanted L to handle this with her child, I didn't want aftercare to kick her out or anything. A conversation was needed between the moms. So I called L and we talked it out. Our first discussion did not go so well, and L claimed that there was no way her daughter would do something like this and that TJK must have provoked her in some way. Oh no you didn't just say that my kid was "asking for it" or that she "provoked" violence in some way. That conversation didn't end well, except for L saying that her daughter would be grounded and not allowed at the Halloween dance that night or to go trick-or-treating the following day. That sounded fair to me - there needed to be punishment for the crime.

So, off we go to the Halloween dance and there is L's kid, dancing away as if she had not just assaulted a child with a rock earlier that day. I was pretty upset about it, because it meant to me that L didn't take this seriously. M and I huddled outside to talk it through, and she gave me advice as I confided in her about how I felt.

Trying to make a long story a little shorter, I got a call a couple of weeks later stating that my child had a bullying complaint lodged against her by L. I was furious, despite the school finding that TJK was, of course, not at fault. Now, when this happened, I could have lodged a complaint with the school or with aftercare about L's child, but I did not. I thought we could work it out amongst ourselves and not do any long term damage to the kids. Weeks went by, and then I was talking to my friend S about it. She was like, "I probably shouldn't tell you this, but L told me that M told her that she should lodge the complaint against TJK to preempt anything I might do. That way, if I said that L's kid hit mine with a rock, there would be a complaint of bullying against her already. THIS WAS MY FRIEND, the one who said I was like a sister to her, telling another person to back stab me,

This is why I hate M. I hate L as well, but it doesn't really matter to my life. My kid is in all honors classes and her kid is dumber than the rock she hit TJK with, so they don't even see each other any more. However, M's kid is in every single class with TJK. They are both in all honors, so they see each other all day, every day. TJK isn't fond to M's daughter because, honestly, she is exactly like M. So they aren't friends, but they have the same circle of friends.

Last night, TJK had a friend over and they were talking. I'm so lucky that not only does my kid talk to me, but her friends do, too. Her friend said, Oooh, "TJG, you are going to want to hear this. M's daughter is on probation for Global Studies and if she doesn't pick up her grade next semester, she is going to be kicked out of Honors Global Studies and put into a regular class!" I couldn't help but do a little jig, and I felt a little bad for it because I don't want to be mean to a child...but...I know that with how competitive and over-achiever-like M is, it is tearing her up that her kid is not succeeding in honors classes (my kid got a 96% in that class, bitches). And since M was such an awful person to me and my kid, I can't help but revel just a little bit in her getting a tiny comeuppance. Karma is a bitch.

Come at me, 2017

I have to admit that while 2016 was rough on a global-scale (can you say "orange president"?), my 2016 was actually really good personally. I traveled a lot and knocked a few things off my bucket list (Lisbon! Southern Portugal! Honduras! Belize!), while still taking some of my travel time to relax and unwind (instead of always needing a vacation when I come back from my vacation because I've run myself ragged). My daughter is such a superstar, and she had a great year - and when your kids are doing well, you do well. She started middle school, in all very challenging honors classes, without a hitch. She made so many new friends, auditioned for and got a major part in the school play, and has a bright and busy social life. She is happy and that makes me happy. My husband and I are in just such a great place, too. We are enjoying the time we spend together, laughing, having fun, and being best friends. My parents are happy and (mostly) healthy, and we have had some pretty good times with them over the year as well. I have shed some friends who were better left in the past, and made some new ones who brighten my outlook...and have even caused me to leave some of the my cynicism behind.

(Ok, not all of it. I'm still cynical and sarcastic and that won't ever change. But I do realize that the negativity was weighing me down and making me less happy. And I've reduced that, and I feel good about it.)

So, here we are in 2017. I don't really believe in the whole "new year, new you" thing. Like, the change of a calendar doesn't mean a change in you. But I do think the end of another year gives you the opportunity to look at yourself closely and figure out what has been working for you and what hasn't.

What's working for me? My travel goals are nearly perfect. I love how I'm able to travel often and to unique and interesting places. I wish I could travel more, but with 4 weeks of vacation from work, I do the best I can. This year will be a little different because we are going to Cuba, which costs an arm and a leg, so our other trips will have to be scaled back. No Budapest or Scotland or Istanbul, as I had hoped. It looks like it'll be Cuba, Toronto, Captiva Island, and maybe Chicago or Vermont. I hate the idea of only one new place this year, but Cuba will make it all worthwhile. What makes me a little sad is that for 2018, we will be doing a big anniversary trip to Hawaii, so that will make the rest of our trips small again next year. I know, poor me.

What else is working? My approach to motherhood is working. I couldn't have a better, smarter, cooler kid and I know that while some of that is just in her genes, some is my influence. And now that she's 13, my influence may seem to wane as her friends grow in importance...but I know she is still listening. I have to keep on momming the way I am now, because it's working. And I can keep on wife-ing the way I am now, as well...while putting in a little more effort, perhaps. He spoils me so much (not just with material things, but with all the "stuff" he does) and I need to figure out how to spoil him back a little more.

And what isn't working? While I don't set the whole "lose 10 pounds" goals at the beginning of the year, I am setting health goals. I need my ass up off the couch more. I need to fuel my body in healthier ways. And while I love my craft beer more'n my luggage, I need to drink less of it. I want to start hiking again, and maybe kickboxing and yoga. I got so lazy this year, and I miss the endorphins of a good workout and the feelings of strength that follow.

What else isn't working? I want to stop letting negativity influence me. I let that happen too much in 2016. If something is bringing me down, stop doing it. This can apply to my obsession with politics (which has definitely lessened since the election - it is too depressing, so I've minimized my exposure) or to friends who focus on complaining about the bad parts of life, or even to social media (where I have been mostly absent because frankly, I'm bored of it). I want to focus on the fun and joyous parts of life - and truly, I am so lucky to say that my life is full of joy and that I have more fun than should be allowed by law. There is so much good to focus on, and I want to seek out those moments and be present in those moments and simply revel in how good life can be.

Slightly off topic (but not really) - I planned a get-together in NYC for my extended family to meet up with our visiting family from Scotland. A bunch of us went in early - with the "adults" concerned about timing and about how we would fill our time until we had to meet, and with some just sourpussing it through the whole day. We went to see the Rock Center tree (so nice after the holiday crowds have gone!) and then walked to the Plaza, where I had the idea to get some fancy cocktails and pretend to be fancy people for an hour or so. We did just that, and it was such a nice little break in the day - impromptu and totally fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants - and it was fantastic. We then met our Scotland fam (after a small walk across town that left some sourpusses complaining, again), and had an amazing time. Now don't get me wrong - it took a lot of effort to get this whole thing planned, with more pushback than help from the rest of the family. But the effort was so worth it, and it was such a memorable day. This weekend we are headed back to NYC to see an art exhibit and my parents are coming with us. I'm excited about planning a fun day for them and trying some new things while we are there. THAT is what the new year feels like to me - make the effort, take some chances, reap the fun rewards.  

In all, 2017 is probably going to globally suck. Our Cheeto President is going to mess up the world and the Republicans will cheer it and the Democrats will do nothing to stop it. But I have realized that there is little I can do about that (yes, I call my representatives to express my concerns, yes, I vote in every single election no matter how small, yes, I stay educated on global and local politics) and I have come to terms with the fact that I am mostly powerless and it is futile to think otherwise). But 2017 for me, personally, has all the potential in the world to be a great year and I am approaching it as such.

Ball of Confusion

Its so confusing sometimes. I feel like the world is falling apart in so many ways. Terrorism is on the rise all over the world and it makes life so scary. There are threats to peace and safety at every turn, it seems. Our President-Elect is an insane person who is not qualified to lead this country, and while I have largely tuned out from politics, I am still reading enough to know we are on a bad path as he fills his cabinet with loonies. The environment is in complete peril and a whole segment of the population doesn't even believe it, so how can we begin to consider fixing it? And people are so stressed out and mean and only in it for themselves. The level of entitlement people feel is out of control. Everything seems dark to me right now, like is becoming a world I won't even want to live in within the next several years. I feel despondent and full of dark grey space. I often want to just move to the middle of Montana where there is no crime and no traffic and no one there to even be part of my day-to-day existence.

And yet.

I have my daughter. She is a shining light in the world. She is smart, incredibly kind, loving, and thoughtful. When I think about her, I think about all the wonderful things I know she will accomplish. Right now she legit wants to be a rocket scientist, and she is capable of that. Sometimes I think she will be a lawyer, and sometimes I think she will be a doctor. And sometimes I think she will join the peace corps and help refugees. She has so much in her that is good and wise, especially for a 13-year old, and I can't wait to see what she does with all that goodness when she grows up.

But how do I reconcile those two things? How do I think the world is not even going to make it much longer, and even if it does, it's going to be a horrible, ugly, unpleasant place to live...while contemplating what my child is going to be and how she will contribute positively?

I think it comes from knowing that my kid is a bright sun in a dark world, and that her light will be strong enough to keep at least a teeny part of the world illuminated. It comes from faith in good triumphing over evil, even if the struggle between the two takes a long time. It comes from looking into her face and seeing innocence and wonder, and knowing that there are millions of other kids out there with the same innocence and wonder, and in turn, knowing that those children are the bright lights in their parents' hearts.

Somehow, I still find hope.

Friendship is Hard

It's hard sometimes to be friend with your child's friend's parents.

I get along really well with S. We have such a good time together and have really deep conversations that I don't have with many other of my close friends. She is open about her life - abuse in her childhood and it's impact on her life now, the failure of her marriage, and pretty much anything other topic. And she makes me more open and vulnerable, which is something I am not used to being.

But then there's her relationship with her daughter (whom I adore, it must be said).

I am close with my daughter. We spend a lot of time together, whether it's out and about or just hanging around the house, we are tied at the hip. And I love that, because I know in another year or two, that may all change as puberty and teen angst kick in full force. I'd have her around me all the time if I could because I really enjoy her company and she is a cool kid.

With that said...there's such a thing as too close. Or maybe its more that despite me adoring my daughter and wanting very much for her to be happy all the time, I have no intention of letting her run the show. I'm the mom, I'm the adult, I make the decisions. I hear her out and listen to her concerns, but ultimately she needs to follow direction from me and not the other way around. We are not equals and I don't acquiesce to her desires.

My friend does this. Her daughter runs the show all the time. We went on vacation with them about a month ago and all S wanted to do was look for shells. We were in shell heaven down in Captiva, and all S talked about for months was finding shells. The day arrives and we have plans to go shelling (well, for the rest of them to go shelling and for me to sit on the beach and safely bronze myself). S changes her mind and says she is going to take her daughter shopping for a dress. Keep in mind that our resort was alllll the way at the end of Captiva, so to get to the mainland, you had to drive through all of Captiva and then all of Sanibel and over the bridge back to Fort Meyers....about 45 minutes or so, just to get back to civilization, and then find a store to shop in. So S gave up her day of shelling to take M shopping instead of doing what she had been most looking forward to.

This past Saturday, we had the kids attend a gymnastics night so we could go out. The thing ran from 5-9pm, so when we picked up the kids it was barely 9pm. On a Saturday night. On our way to get them, we had been talking about them coming back to my house for cocktails - I had been dying to make a Cinnamon Toast Crunch, with Fireball and Rum Chata, and this seemed like a great opportunity to do it. Our girls are night owls so 9pm is no stretch for them to be out. We make plans and then drop them off at their house so they can get their own car to come over and let their dog out. Ten minutes later comes the text: M just wants to stay home so we are going to pass this time. So they didn't come over. S wanted to. The girls were having fun together. M just gets moody sometimes and wants to be alone (like she is at the point where instead of sitting together to read or whatever, M will tell her mom to leave the room and sit elsewhere so she can be alone! What?!) so S catered to her and they didn't come over, despite our plans.

I love S. She is among my best friends and someone I love spending time with. We can talk and talk for hours and it is never strained or weird. We can talk about politics and race and our childhoods and also about sex and parental gossip and fashion. But I am struggling so much with her blind acquiescence to her daughter. It impacts our friendship and it will also impact M - never being told no and never being made to do something you don't want to do is no way to learn about the real world.

I'm Planning to Win A Billion Dollars

So. I did not win $800 million in Saturday's Powerball drawing. Bummer. The good news is that no one won, so that sucker is now up over a BILLION DOLLARS. I have some of the money well spent already: firstly quitting my job, of course, and then on to the shopping. But the funny thing I realized as I thought about how I'd spend the money is that sure, I'd buy some new purses and shoes and all that stuff. And a Porsche. But the main thing my mind goes to is that with that much money, I could just travel the world forever and experience everything this earth has to offer.

That's when I realized that although I like "stuff" (as evidenced by my recent Konmari purge, which is still ongoing but has thus far resulted in my donating over 150 t-shirts...and I still have two drawers full that I'm keeping), I value experiences most of all. If you gave me a billion dollars (or even a thousand dollars), my first thought would be, "Where can we go?"

We are planning a trip to Captiva Island in the Spring with TJK's friend and her mom. As I looked at all the resort has to offer, I realized that this was a trip that would be full of experiences and not stuff. We can parasail. We can watch dolphins and manatees. We can watch one of the world's best sunsets from the deck of a yacht while sipping cocktails. The girls can take photography lessons, or mermaid-swimming lessons, or trudge through the muddy sand at the tide line for creatures who make their home there. With memories like those, do I really need a t-shirt to commemorate it? Does TJK need another stuffed animal? What more would we need, other than the photographic documentation of it all?

As I thought about all that money and what I'd do with it, my immediate answer was: this trip. At $132,000 per person, it's a trip I could only dream of being able to experience. And there are four amazing trips there to consider...all clocking in at over $100k per person. And what I love most about it is the experiences it would offer: flying on a private jet and staying in Four Seasons resorts would be experiences all their own, and hitting that many countries with that many sights to see...wow. And yes, I'd shop my wallet dry in the markets of Istanbul and Marrakesh, but the things we'd see and experience would outweigh nearly anything we could buy.

So while I can't see myself ever being able to afford that kind of travel (unless the gods of the lottery see fit to bestow me with a gift of $1b...which would be more than lovely), I can look at my own travel experiences, no matter how small or big, with the same eye to enjoy the moments. Get into the lifestyle of the place I'm visiting. Eat good food. Dance. Swim, Take chances and capture the memories.

Holly Jolly Christmas

Another Christmas has passed us by, and it was lovely. On Christmas Eve, we went to dinner with friends and then got into our jammies and played poker till close to midnight. Then our friends went home and Hubby and I opened our gifts to each other (while TJK looked on). Can you say Rebecca Minckoff and jackelopes and jewelry? I sure can :)

Besties on Christmas Eve

On Christmas morning, TJK opened her presents and was in heaven with all the Star Wars and American Girl Doll stuff. There was no hoverboard to be found - I think we will wait till they stop catching on fire and exploding before dipping into that pool. We then went to my parents' house with the aunts and uncles and cousins, and it was really nice. I always feel so lucky when I'm with my family. Not only am I super-close with my cousins of all ages (from the 4 year old to the 25 year old to the ones closer to my age), but I'm also lucky enough to consider my aunts and uncles as my friends, too. I spent about half an hour hanging out with one of my aunts on the porch, just gossiping and talking and having a few drinks. Couldn't love it more.

The day after Christmas, we finally made our way into NYC for the day. We usually go in one Sunday before Christmas to do the traditional holiday stuff, but this year was just too crazy. So we went in afterwards, and saw the tree and the store windows (always love Bergdorf's the best) and had dinner at Lasagna, one of our favorite restaurants. Hubby even bought me a belated gift of jewelry on 5th Ave. The best thing we did, though, was to take a quick detour upon arriving in the city to go down by the World Trade Center. I have yet to go up in the new building - it's still too soon for me, and I know I will just bawl and bawl. But across the street is a mall which had a light installation which was so amazing.

Beautiful light installation at Brookfield Place, Battery Park, NYC

You put both hands on the lighted block and it changes color repeatedly. You make a wish and then let go of the block. The color from the block goes up to the lighted blocks on the ceiling and then your color spreads from where you are standing to the back of the space, as if your wish was spreading from your heart out to the world. TJK and I decided we loved this more than the Rock Center tree and the windows. It was just so beautiful and peaceful and wonderful to watch.

My daughter and two goddaughters.

Then, on Sunday, we went down to Manasquan to visit with family again. This time, it was with cousins from Scotland who are here for Christmas and New Year's in NYC. There were probably 20 of us all together in my cousin's beautiful home, and we had such a nice time. The Scotland cousins are so friendly and talkative and interesting. It was cool to hear the stories of my grandparents and great grandparents from back in the day. I learned that my grandmother actually lived in Scotland for about 4 years as a child!

Now, I'm back at work and exhausted as hell. When we have these weekends that are non-stop and sleep-free, I dread them. Then when I'm in it, I love it...because I love to be busy and I love having experiences, whatever they may be. And then the next day, I am tired and have a headache and could fall asleep at my desk, but I don't regret a single moment of it (except maybe the insane stand-still crowd trying to get to the tree in front of Saks. Disastrous.).

Birthday Eve

Last night was my Birthday Eve. I had plans with friends (and the daughters) for some time, and those plans had zero to do with my birthday. We were going to go for dinner and then come back to a friend's house and watch some bad tv whilst having drinks and gossiping.

When I showed up at the house last night, my daughter was already there. I walked into the kitchen to find one of my favorite songs ("Black" by Pearl Jam) playing for me on my daughter's phone. On the kitchen island was a bottle of Walking Dead beer by Terrapin, with all kinds of my favorite candy surrounding it and coming from the top like a flower (the kids made it!). I opened the gifts to find a really awesome book about hidden secrets of Paris (because I WILL be going to Paris again, despite ISIS's threats to the contrary), and gorgeous necklace, and 2 bottles of exceptional beer. Not to mention some great little notes from the kids, some very kind words from my friends, and then a delicious dinner out with the ladies.

I can't tell you how much this meant to me. It was all just so thoughtful - all about me, so personal, so unexpected, so lovely. They know me so well and know how to show how much they care about me. That's not an easy thing to find in a friend these days. So many people are self-centered and can't think outside of themselves, but last night I was made to feel so special. Doesn't everyone deserve that every once in a while, especially on their birthday?

When I'm thinking this year about what I'm thankful for...last night is near the top of my list!

A PostScript to Yesterday's Post

It's become even clearer to me that my kid takes after me.

Without going into all the details, she sucks at homework. She is smart as a whip and tests way above her grade level (she tests at the high school level in math and english) but can't seem to get her homework or projects done. THIS IS ME, 100%.

I was forever getting the comment "does not work up to her potential" on my report cards, because while they knew I was smart, school was not my priority. My friends were. Boys were. Music and good times were. It's the same with TJK. So smart but doesn't care all that much about the work. She wants good grades, but I think that's more to please us than herself. Grammar School TJK is Grammar School TJG.

I don't get the comparisons with my sister, who was very focused on her grades, always did her assignments, always studied, always did well. And I think that's what annoys me. My parents see my kid as smart so she's like my sister. Can they not see that it might be offensive to me that they attribute my kid's smarts to her aunt instead of her mom?

Next time this comes up, I'm addressing it. Because obviously, it's bothering me more than it should.

Pretty Smart

I'm pretty much using this as a place to vent about things that annoy me, so here's the next one on my list.

My kid is really awesome. Everyone says so, and not just the people who *have* to say so. She happens to be really, really smart and impresses us regularly with her intelligence.

I happen to be pretty smart as well. I didn't get good grades in high school because A) I was lazy about school work and B) boys. But I was always smart, and when I went to college, I got great grades. I've proven my intelligence through my career and through the fact that I can have an intelligent conversation about just about anything.

Anyway, every time my daughter shows her smarts (getting good grades, making a logical point, fashioning an advanced argument for her position on something), my parents say "Oh, you take after Aunt K!" as if none of her intelligence could have possibly come from me.

This all goes pretty deep. Growing up, K was the smart one and I was the pretty one...even though I was smart too, and K was pretty, too. It did some damage to my sister and me - although I think more to her than to me - and my parents are aware that they screwed up by categorizing us this way. So now, to hear my parents comment on my daughter's intelligence and still make it a compliment on my sister's intelligence...it's really annoying.

I wonder if, as my niece grows up and is beautiful (which, of course she will!), will they say "Oh, she takes after her Aunt TJG!"???

Tween Friendships

It's hard to know what to do when your daughter is friends with someone, so you became friends with the mom, and now the girls are no longer friends but you are still friends with the mom. It's also really hard to figure out what I'm trying to say in that sentence.

TJK has been friends with Sam since kindergarten. Sam lives right around the corner and they walk and ride bikes to each other's houses and have sleepovers and hang out nearly every day. Well, they used to.

Now, TJK is not so fond of Sam anymore, and from what she told me, I can understand why. Sam is kind of whiny and she cries over everything and overreacts and storms off - basically, she is full of tantrums and that gets old, especially when you are nearly 12. They aren't little kids anymore. They are on the cusp of being teenagers and that kind of behavior can get annoying really quickly.

TJK has lots of other friends. Now, instead of going to Sam's, she is hanging out with any one of 8 or 10 other girls. So while I noticed she was no longer hanging out with Sam, I wasn't too worried because she is still surrounded by friends and isn't longing for her friendship with Sam. But Sam's mom emailed me yesterday, asking for help.

Sam doesn't have a lot of other friends. In fact, last year her mom told me that TJK was her only friend (and TJK acknowledged this and said that was one of the main reasons she hung out with her - she felt bad). So her mom is looking for me to help build a bridge between the girls, which I get because hers is suffering and it sucks to watch your kid suffer.

But TJK is good. She is fine with not hanging out with Sam anymore. She sees her in school and that's enough for her. I talked it all through with her last night and she has actually given it thought and weighed her options and taken the time to look at the entirety of their friendship...and based on what she has experienced, she has decided it's not worth it anymore.

Sam's mom told me that Sam is seeing a therapist. She seems to be a very sensitive kid who has just a small handful of friends who she holds up to nearly impossible standards, and then feels disappointed and angry when they can't meet those standards. TJK feels that she has been a really good friend to Sam - comforting her continuously when she gets sad or has a tantrum - and Sam doesn't seem to appreciate it. I can't blame TJK for saying "that's it, I've had enough."

But, when I'm friends with Sam's mom and I see her struggling and in pain because her daughter is struggling and in pain, it's hard to know how to guide TJK. I want to value and trust her opinions and decisions about who she wants to be friends with (and reinforce the idea that she gets to decide who is in and out of her life - she doesn't have to stay in relationships that make her feel bad or sad). But I also want her to be able to have compassion for her friend who is going through a rough time, and cut her some slack. That balance is not so easy, because tweens can be painfully black-and-white without seeing the many shades of grey.

So I'm going to see Sam's mom tonight, and we will talk and try to come up with a solution that helps her daughter while not hurting mine. And then, if the attempt does not work, we will see if she and I can remain friends when my kid wants nothing to do with hers.

Random Stuff in My Head

I leave for London a week from today and I feel so unprepared. I mostly have to figure out dogsitting for my beloved elderly pitbull and pack my suitcase. Packing is always dreadful for me because I have a system and I follow it, and then I throw everything else I own in the suitcase just in case. I literally plan out each outfit I'm going to wear, for day and evening, with shoes and jewelry and whatever other crazy accessories I conjure up. I make a spreadsheet. I try all the outfits on with their corresponding accessories and shoes. I go through them multiple times, counting the days and the events I'll be attending (sightseeing at Tower of London? check! An evening at the theater? check!) and reviewing each outfit for comfort and packability and appropriateness. I get them all into my suitcase, with room to spare! And I feel great about it! But then, the panic enters. What if I spill something on a shirt? What if my pants rip? What if I am suddenly summoned to see the Queen? OH MY GOD PUT EVERYTHING IN THE SUITCASE AS A PRECAUTION! DEAR GOD, DO IT NOW! And that is how I pack.

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A friend of mine is moving to Colorado in a few weeks. We became friends because our daughters were friends, but then our daughters started actively disliking each other. But we are still friends.

We could not be more opposite. We call that out in ourselves all the time. She is the yoga-loving hippie and I am the rocker girl. Because of our core differences, we have had issues with each other in the past. It's bound to happen. But nothing insurmountable, and I will miss them being around.

She and her husband (a cool guy who I consider a friend as well) had a party last weekend to see us all before they move. And they are just so zen about moving. So happy to be going to a place with a big sky and lots of open land. So at peace with leaving the hubbub of NJ/NY behind them. And it made me think about the prospect of moving. With TJK being the kind of kid she is (very traditional, very close with her friends, very close with my parents, in love with our house and neighborhood) I would never uproot her like that. I couldn't do it. But if I had my druthers, would I move?

I've always said no. I am a True Jersey Girl, after all. I couldn't live anywhere else. But lately as I have traveled, I've looked with new eyes. I've come to appreciate a slightly slower pace, as well as slightly more space. I love where I live because I'm 10 miles from NYC, an hour-ish from Philly, a half hour from the beach and a half hour from skiing. Everything you could want is less than a day trip away. Looking for high end stores? They are here. Target? Here. A gas station? Right on the corner around the block. Nothing is far. But maybe that's not such a good thing all the time. What would it be like to live with a little bit of peace? Some quiet, even?

I don't know if I will ever find out, but it has made me think and consider. I'll have to live through R&J in the meantime...but maybe someday, the world will have to get ready for True ??? Girl, on the hunt for a new stomping ground.

Tweenager Aboard

[I never use my daughter's real name online, and since the early days of my blog (when people read it and it wasn't just for me to vent), I called her Princess. But then when I switched over to twitter, I started calling her True Jersey Kid (TJK for short) so I guess I'll keep using TJK for her because it seems to suit her well.]

Eleven is a strange age. TJK is basically 2 completely different people at this stage of the game - a mature young woman who wants to spend all her time with her friends and focuses all of her energy on having fun and hanging out, and a little girl who still desperately needs her mommy and wants to be involved in everything I do. And these two people can switch out at any given moment with no notice at all.

Example: TJK and I have been watching Pretty Little Liars together. Binge-ing it, really. Her friend and her friend's mom watch it as well, and we are all trying to get to the same point so we can finish the catching up together and then hopefully catch some episodes as they air live. So when TJK is home in the evenings, we watch. However, I am now just as invested in this show as she is. And I want to see what happens next!

TJK, most days, goes to a friend's house after school. She does not think twice about me, does not think about Pretty Little Liars, does not even really care which friend's house she goes to - she just wants to go. And I am fine with it because she has a good group of friends, they do their homework before they play, and I know how important friendships are to her. Not to mention the fact that I get a little bit of downtime alone after work, which is a plus. But keep in mind, this is nearly every day, which then limits my PLL viewing to almost nil.

Last week, on Thursday (which made it her 4th night in a row away from home), I decided to settle in with an adult beverage and some PLL. When TJK came home and found out, she cried. Literal tears. She was so upset and felt that this was a personal attack on her. Why would I watch without her? How could I do this to her? This was OUR THING that we do TOGETHER and I had broken that sacred bond.

My response: Well, we need to get through this episodes if you want to watch with our friends, so we need to get on this. You have not spent any time at home in weeks, and I have been ok with it, but I want to watch this show. You can catch up when you are home or else I can just tell you what you missed. MORE TEARS. I did not understand. She curled up in my lap and cried on my shoulder while I held her tight and promised that no, I will not watch any more episodes without her.

One minute- out and about, doesn't want to come home, wants only to be with her friends. Next minute: curled in a call on my lap like a baby crying because she wanted to do this thing with me. It's hard to parent a child when you don't know which personality you have to deal with in that moment.

And I know it only gets worse from here. We are still in the tween years...which means that she loves me, thinks I'm really cool, likes spending time with me, doesn't mind when I sing and dance and act crazy in front of her friends...and we all know that goes away in a year or two. So even though I never know which kid I'm dealing with....I'm trying to enjoy every moment of it.

Recording History

So the truth is that I live a really great life. I have a job that I don't hate (most days), a brilliant and smart and gorgeous daughter, a husband who is so wonderful that all my girlfriends want to find a man like him, a beautiful house that's fully paid off, a convertible BMW, and all the purses and shoes a label whore could possibly want. And on top of that, I have so much fun. We just do fun things together and make every bit of life an adventure on our own terms. So what that means is that no, we are not jumping out of planes. But we are hopping in the car on a moment's notice to go to the racetrack and then to wander the boardwalk and then find some new place to eat. Or that we are hearing about that new brewery and popping in on day one to celebrate with the owners and letting them know that we will be back often. Or going to see an old punk band at a theater an hour away and seeking out a new joint in that neighborhood for dinner and cocktails. So it's not that we are adventurous, per se. It's more that we just decide to do stuff and then we do it.

Most people I know have calmed down a lot. They have kids, some of them. And they just don't want to be tired all the time. And I get that, because I am fucking tired all.the.time. But my motto since high school has been "I'll sleep when I'm dead" and I still adhere to that. We generally do something at least one weeknight per week, and then Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday. We just like to go. We like to explore. We like to be together as a family, bonding over visiting our favorite places again and again or finding a brand new favorite.

I decided that I wanted to document our summer in some way, and a scrapbook seemed to be my best bet. I'm forever picking up postcards or business cards and taking pictures of every little thing...why not put all that to use? But yo, I'm not that kind of girl. I am not the picture of a scrapbooker. So I'm going to make my own way of it - modern scrapbooking? cool scrapbooking? urban scrapbooking? punkbooking? I have no bloody idea. But I want to be able to have a way to show my daughter, when she gets older, here is what we did when you were 11, before you were a teenager and potentially shunned us from your life. Here's all the fun we had. Here are all the cool places we went and all the awesome things we did. Here's you, here's me, here's Daddy, here are Grammy and Pop, here are your friends...and here's how we all spent our summer.

So off I go...starting my documentation of the Summer of 2015, which starts with Memorial Day weekend. So far, we have 2 breweries, mini golf, a diner visit, a trip to Asbury Park to the boardwalk and Johnny Mac's and dinner, a visit to the racetrack for food truck day, dinners out, a concert by TJK herself where she dressed as Dolley Madison...and that is just the past 4 days.

This is going to be one full scrapbook.

Kids and Kissing

I had such a strange thing happen the other day and I don't know if I'm handling it right. I'd love advice because I want to do the right thing, but I don't want to sensationalize it by talking to people who know the players about it, I don't want to post it on facebook for advice because the person involved will see it, and twitter is too simplistic for this kind of question. So I figured I'd blog it and no one will see it or give advice, but maybe typing it all out will give me some clarity.

We were having dinner with one of Princess' friends, who is a girl of about 10 years old. I am forever trying to find out what boys Princess likes and she won't tell me...so I asked this friend (let's call her Jessica) who she herself likes. I was trying to prime the pump so I could then ask her who Princess likes. Jessica replied to me by holding up 2 fingers. I said, whoa, two boys? And she said no, actually, one boy and one girl (both around her same age). That answer surprised me a little, but I tried not to show it. We talked some more about it and she was very matter of fact about it (which impressed me - no guilt, no fearful questioning, no worrying that I wouldn't be accepting. What a difference a generation can make!).

Then, she told me that she had "done stuff" with the girl, which included kissing in her bed. They had gone into her bed, which is the top bunk of a bunk bed she shares with her younger sister, and set up pillows all around it so no one could see in. That's where I kind of got concerned. I mean, its one thing at 10 to have crushes or to like boys or girls or whatever. But the sneaking into her bed? The putting up the pillows so it was secret? The kissing in bed, at 10 years old?

After she told me all about this girl and boy she liked, she said that she was bisexual. Used that label, that word to describe herself. That threw me for a loop. Where had she learned that word, at 10 years old, and who told her that was the label for what she is?

I asked her if her mom knew about the people she had crushes on and about the kissing. She said no.

So the question is - should I tell her mother? My gut says no because I don't want to out this kid to her mom. I am friendly with the mom and she is a nice person...but she is very religious so I don't know how she would react. I don't know if it's my place to tell the mom something that the kid confided in me, something that she deliberately did not tell her mom. Maybe this opens a door for Jessica to talk to me about things she can't talk to her mom about, and I can guide her. Which, in all honesty, I did not do this time around because I was in shock and didn't know what to say. But I would be better next time.

But then I think about it and if this was my kid telling another mom that she was bisexual and kissing girls secretively in her bed...I would want to know. I'd want to deal with the kissing-in-the-bed part because I don't care if its a boy or girl or alien, they are not to be in your bed and you are not to be kissing. These are 5th graders we are talking about here.

I think my best bet is to leave it alone. I'd hate myself if I told the mom and then she punished the kid in some way for liking girls. I don't think I can take that chance, knowing what the repercussions could be.