More "Talking Things Through" With TJG

After posting into the ether yesterday about several of the things keeping me awake at night, I actually slept last night. I don't know if it's legit cause-and-effect, that I wrote it all out and then was freer in my mind and that helped me nod off. But maybe it was. So maybe this needs to be my Irrational Fear and Stupid Concerns Blog.

Things got clearer and muddier in my life last night. One thing, where I was worried about my kid and her two best friends (one boy and one girl) came to fruition. Those two do like each other. TJK is happily in the middle right now, helping the boy find a way to ask out the girl. She says, emphatically, that just because she is in a band with him, that does NOT mean that she likes him. They are just friends. Right now, she is happy for them and playing a bit of matchmaker. Now I worry that the two of them will seriously veer off and TJK will be left alone. But, I feel confident that she will make it out alive.

I am still waiting to hear back from my boss about The Big Job in The Big City. I am excited and nervous and I need her to tell me how much money I am going to be making. I have a big number in my head to match up with the big job, and I am hoping I am not disappointed.

Something I think I forgot to talk about yesterday is something that has been solidly on my mind for a couple of months now. TJK is a tiny chica. She is only 4'10, while most of her friends are closer to my height of 5'8. She feels so small, even with her big personality and big intelligence. She has been going for tests: lots of blood tests (like, A LOT), an MRI to make sure she didn't have a brain tumor, and appointments with specialists. Everything has come back clear - no medical issues, no tumors or cancers or health concerns. She is just small. So now we need to make a decision about growth hormones. They might get her another inch or two in height. She is projected to be about 5' in total without them...so now we are faced with deciding if it is worth it to have her take a daily injection so she can be two inches taller. And I don't know what the right answer is. I do feel like 5'2 is so much better than 5'. I mean, at 5 feet tall, you even have a greater chance of dying in a car crash because you are too short for the airbag to deploy properly! I think I was leaning against the hormones until the doctor said it was time to decide about the hormones and then suddenly, I was for them. And, TJK was all for them until I told her it was time to decide and now she is against them. We have a month to talk it over and come to a decision....but this is super stressful. You always want to do the right thing for your kid; you want her to be happy and well adjusted and to feel normal. I wish this was a black and white decision....I am sick of the grey.

And this Kavanaugh stuff. JFC. I don't understand why it's so hard to put together what happened in this situation. Dude was drunk AF the night this happened, and on other nights in high school and college too. He and his buddy were drinking, having fun, thinking they were gods because that's what everyone had always told them they were. They took a liking to Christine Blasey-Ford and hit on her. They thought they were having fun - thought SHE was having fun. They tried to have sex with her, not noticing that was not into it because A) they were drunk AF and B) they were not used to being told no so they didn't recognize it. In their minds, it was all fun and not very memorable for them. It was not memorable because A) they were drunk AF and B) there was nothing different about this night than any other night, and possibly C) they were blackout drunk AF and don't remember how it went down or that it went down at all. We all know men like this, and knew boys like this, and the fact that all of these other privileged white men can't see it shows me that they are men just like Kavanaugh and were boys like Kavanaugh. If they admit something might have happened...then maybe they stepped outside the bounds too and just haven't been called on it.

I Am Angry

I was going to write a long screed on divorce and children from a logical and thoughtful perspective, but I just can't do that today. Maybe on another day, but not today.

Today I am angry. I am angry that one parent can go to court and sully the reputation of the other parent in order to deny him equal custody of their child. I am angry that a schedule that was working so well for the child is now disrupted because of the evilness and vindictiveness of one parent. I am angry that a mother would use her child as a weapon and a pawn. I am angry that one parent would withhold time with the child from the other parent as a punishment. I am angry that a good father is now being denied his due time with his daughter.

As a feminist, I never believed that the system was rigged against fathers. I honestly thought that when mothers got full custody, there were good reasons for it. It wasn't just that women were thought to be caregivers and men weren't - there had to be more to the story that we didn't know about. And now, I can honestly say that that's bullshit. This judge took everything the mother said at face value, no real evidence, no real proof, and took a child from her father. She even said, "you were married for 10 years, the wife would know best."

My heart is breaking for both the dad and the child. He is devastated and doesn't know how he is going to go on. He can't bear to think of seeing his child every other weekend when he had her for a week at a time and got to do homework with her, cook her dinner, put her to bed...all the things a dad wants to be able to do for his daughter. And she is going to miss out on spending all that time with this fun-loving guy who worships the ground his daughter walks on and would do anything for her. As a mom of a daughter (and a daughter of a father), I know just how important fathers are to their daughters. They are the first man we love, and if there is no first man around during your formative years...what do you learn? That men aren't there for you? That men desert you? That men don't care? WHY would any woman want her daughter to have that influence if they didn't have to? WHY would any woman deny her child the right to see her father when he has done nothing to deserve this?

Right now, I am just fucking angry and I have no outlet for my anger. It's so hard to believe that someone you once loved enough to stand up in front of your family and friends and declare that love for could do something so heinous and cruel. I can't help but wonder if the woman is happy. Is she pleased with herself? Does she feel successful? Is she high-fiving her dirtbag lawyer on the way they stole a child from her father today?

Today, I am angry. And I feel helpless that there is nothing I can do to help fix the situation. I am angry at myself for not being even more forceful that he use a serious lawyer on this. I am angry at myself for ever considering this woman a friend and for inviting her into my family and into my circle of friends and into my heart. I am just angry. And I feel like the anger will dissipate with time and just become deep-rooted sadness that will stay with me forever.

Commitments

I think one of the most important things you do as a parent is prepare them for life outside of your home. Real life. Life at work, with friends, with a future partner. Life when it's great and life when it's hard and dark and painful. You teach them their value so they accept no less than the best from their friends and lovers. You teach them respect so they treat others well and expect the same in return. You teach them sticktoittiveness so they learn perseverance and stamina and ability to work through the hard times to get back to the good times.

These are hard lessons to teach kids sometimes. It's so much easier to let them make their every decision in a way that makes them happy at the moment. They don't really understand the hard decisions most of the time, and they think you are being mean by not just letting them get what they want. Instant gratification is okay for tweens, but adults who can't see past the moment at hand are bad employees, selfish friends, and terrible husbands/wives. And the whole job of parenting, in my opinion, is raising solid, happy, productive adults...not overgrown children.

Recently, this has come to a head with one of TJK's friends. It's an ongoing issue and it has come up repeatedly over the years, but now it's becoming a real problem. TJK and her friend are in a 3 week camp together. There was talk of carpooling for drop off and pickup and of all the great aftercare classes offered in this camp.The girls were looking forward to it.

We are now on day four of camp. TJK's friend has not gone to aftercare once, despite her mom telling me that she was going to go every day for at least the first week to see which classes she wanted to take. TJK is disappointed, but she is fine. She has made other friends and is loving aftercare. I am annoyed that I have to do drop off and pick up every day instead of splitting it as I'd hoped, but I'll get over it. No biggie.

The bigger issue to me is the way this kid is allowed to do whatever she wants. She committed to this with my daughter, with me, with her mom - not to mention that her mom paid for it and isn't attending! - and she has been allowed to skip it every day because she feels like it. What lesson is this teaching your child?

A couple of years ago, the girls went to another camp together (again, we were supposed to carpool...). On day one, they walked to a park for lunch and there was a homeless man there, sitting on a park bench. Not for nothing, but this is not unheard of, and if you live in the greater NYC area, it's something you get used to seeing. The man didn't approach or talk to or interact with the kids at all - just sat on the bench. Well, this child was so freaked out on day one that she did not return to camp. At all. Her mother allowed her to bail because she was uncomfortable at a park with a group of 20 kids and several counselors and one homeless man. She allowed her to ditch camp completely, leaving TJK and me in a lurch.

Even this past weekend, we had plans to go away with girl and her mom (we are good friends with them, honestly, and I do love the mom). We bought tickets to an event, made hotel reservations, laid out our plan of attack for the drive and our time away. They did go with us, but at one point the mom said to me, "I was so afraid she was going to get up this morning and say she was too tired to go and we would have to cancel."

WHAT.

If TJK got up and said she was too tired, I would tell her to take a nap in the car because we have plans and money had already been spent. It would never occur to me that I should cancel or rearrange our plans because of what TJK wants or doesn't want at that moment. She is involved in the decision-making process, but once she commits, she is committed.

I get that it's easier to allow your kids to run the show, and that it's not fun when you have to say no and they get mad at you. It's hard to have the center of your universe angry with you and think you are mean and, even worse, not cool. But that's parenting. It's not easy.

I feel badly for TJK, who had these three weeks of camp planned out with her friend and now has to rearrange and reset her expectations. She asked me if she, too, could skip aftercare because her friend was skipping. I told her no. She committed to going and she is going to go. And she was not happy with me and I can live with that. I know that her being miserable today is teaching her something valuable: that you stand by what you say and you do what you said you were going to do. In a few years, I know these lessons will pay off. And I am afraid that her friend will be left expecting the world to curve to her will and not knowing how to cope when it refuses to.

Judgmental

You know when you have limited information about someone but you feel like you can still form a full opinion on them? Like, maybe you see their twitter feed and they misspell every other word but think they are smart? And they act like know-it-alls but they really know nothing? So you read what they write and you totally get who this person is. You know she is a completely uneducated, trashy, judgmental moron who sees herself as above everyone else - even though she has a shitty job and no car and lives in a white-trash town and her ex-man is even trashier than she is.

So you have a pretty fully-formed opinion of this person, despite not knowing this person and not wanting to. Maybe you think to yourself, perhaps if we met I would feel differently, when I just have to hear her talk and not read her ignorance? Maybe she aren't so bad in real life.

And then, this person comes out as a Donald Trump supporter and it reinforces the fact that your judging skills are 100% on point and that everything you inferred about this person is 100% fact.

Woman-on-Woman Crime

One thing that drives me crazier than all the other things (and lots of things drive me crazy) is when women subtly tear down other women. I go upon the assumption that if you are one of these women who does this to other women, your own self esteem must be suffering and this is how you feel better about yourself - by putting other women down so you will feel better about yourself.

I mean listen, we have enough to fight about. I'd like to make an equal amount to the men doing the same job I do. I'd like it to not be a big deal for a woman to be running a company or a country. I'd like people to stop chipping away at my right to my own body.

But then we have this subtle misogyny that gets us in our own way. I hear all these comments about how women who look a certain way shouldn't do certain things. We are judging ourselves and other women based on our looks, just as we hate when men do. She's too skinny to wear jeans like that; she looks like a string bean. She's too fat to wear those shorts; no one wants to see that. She's too busty for that shirt; she looks like a slut. She's too flat to wear that top; she looks like she's a teenage boy. She's too *insert your judgey-ness here* to exist, basically.

Let's talk about some examples of this. You have a woman like Pamela Anderson. You know the type - she looks like what we think men want. Big implants, blonde hair, full lips, overly-done makeup. So what do we say about her? She's fake. Plastic. Wears too much makeup. Would be prettier if she would tone it all down. So basically, she isn't good enough for us despite how hard she's trying to be. She is beautiful but we have to tear her down.

Then you have a woman like...wow, I have to be honest. I can't think of a single public woman who doesn't care about her image. So let's use another example: you are an overweight woman, and it's July. It's approaching 100 degrees. So you put on some shorts and go out of your house. You have now committed the cardinal sin: being fat in public. You have done something that offends everyone so deeply that they have to take pictures of you and post them online to shame you. You aren't good enough to show your skin in public, fatty. Just being outside and showing us your skin is offensive to our eyes.

Or you have a super thin woman. You are skinny as a rail, and despite trying to put on some weight, your body just won't allow it. But you have plans tonight and you dress up, do your hair, spend a little extra time on your makeup so you feel pretty. You look in the mirror and feel good about yourself, so you take a selfie and post it on Instagram. The comments start to roll in, and while you thought you looked your best, it wasn't good enough. Eat a burger, lady! And stop making us look at your skinny ass! You're hurting our eyes with your lack of curves! (But don't get too many curves - then you'll be the woman above who we don't want to see either. And really, don't get just the right amount of curves because we will hate on you then, too, just like Pamela Anderson).

And then there's the woman who loves to work out. She has the flattest stomach, those sinewy muscular arms, strong and taut legs from running marathons, and strength to spare. She loves what she sees in the mirror; it's the personification of all she works for. She sees strength and muscle and ability. When she shows the world a picture of herself, maybe she gets accolades from the other women (and men) like her, the ones who work hard on their bodies and see the results. From others, though, she gets a lot of "ewwww" and "manly" and "unfeminine." She isn't good enough for our eyes, either. Soften up, honey, you are too hard around the edges for us. 

The thing that runs through all of this is that every one of these women is a person. A real person with feelings. And hey, men judge us by how we look and we know that and we hate it but we know it so we deal with it. But when it comes from another woman - when that woman, too, is too short or too tall or too thick or too think or too dark or too pale or too whatever - it stings even more. Because as women, we know what it feels like to be judged and yet we do it to women just like us.

We have all been judged by our appearances. I know I have. I know what it's like to feel good about myself and then have another woman stare in judgement, looking me up and down like "who does she think she is to wear that?" which to me always translates to "who does she think she is to be so confident?" And I think that's what it comes down to, right? 

How dare those women be who they are and feel comfortable in their skin, when I don't? I'm not that fat and I don't feel comfortable in a skirt that short, so how dare she? I'm not that skinny and look at her, wearing that dress, acting like she looks good when I'd never be confident enough to wear it?

I guess I just don't understand why we can't support other women instead of tearing each other down. there is no "perfect" - even when you are the "perfect woman" you still get shit for your appearance one way or another.  

I am fairly confident in myself, and I still find myself saying these kinds of things sometimes about other women. Nowadays, they don't make it past my lips; I never say them out loud but they are still in my head. I know that it's more about me than it is about them. I know that to change anything, I have to get those thoughts out of my head and call people on it when they speak like that about another woman. I wish we all, as women, could make that our goal. It would make us all so much stronger.

How Can You Be So Sure?

So let's talk about Paris and terrorism and ISIS and bombing and Syrian refugees and all that fun stuff.

All over Facebook are posts about not letting Syrian refugees into the Unites States because they are a threat to our safety. Or in the converse, letting them in because it's the American Way to welcome refugees with open arms. There are posts about bombing the hell out of ISIS because of what they have done to the West. And there are opposing posts about not bombing because that just perpetrates the Middle Eastern view of the US and attracts even more terrorists to their side. Some posts are insistent that Obama is not doing enough to stop terrorism and should be leading the way, and others are sure he is too involved and should back off and let Muslim countries lead.

No matter which side people are on, the one thing they are sure of is that they are 100% right. Not only are they 100% right, but anyone who doesn't agree with them is SO STUPID!!1!1!!

There are the most brilliant minds - political minds, military minds - trying to solve the crisis in the Middle East. We have had our best minds working on this problem for decades, if not over a century. And they have not been able to solve it. They have ideas, all of which seem logical, and none have worked. Every new party in office tries their brand of solution, but no one has found the way to make peace.

But you, oh you! You have all the answers and are so sure about it. Anyone who can't see that you are right is an idiot! You watched Fox News who told you that Muslims can't be trusted, and you are puking that back up like it's fact. You watched MSNBC who told you that bombing is bad, and you recite it as gospel.

I wonder if any of these people have ever had a thought that was truly their own. When I'm trying to decide what I think is right in these types of cases, I read everything I can. I watch every news channel and hear out every pundit. I take in every bit of information I can, on all sides of the spectrum. And then I make a decision. And then, maybe I will read or hear some new piece of information that shifts my opinion. Or maybe it confirms my opinion. But I take it in and evaluate and create my own opinion...which is just an opinion. And even with all the research and thought I give, I'd never claim my way is the only way.

In a case like this, however, no one know what the right thing to do is. No one. Not Obama, not the presidential candidates, not the military leaders, not the political pundits, and certainly not you or me.

What will the repercussions be if we let refugees in? Will there be an increased chance of a homeland terror attack, with the terrorists sneaking in amongst the refugees? Will we turn the opinions of Muslims around by showing the generosity of spirit of the American people and our way of life?

What will the repercussions be if we don't let them in? Will it drive more Muslims to radicalize because it will be more proof that the US is against them? Will it halt local terror attacks because we have kept a bad element out of our society?

All we can do at this point is make educated guesses. All we can do is trust our leaders are doing all they can to keep us safe and to eliminate the threats that face us. So when I see people who are teachers or stay-at-home moms or cops or accountants who are so sure of the answers that they think the rest of us are stupid, I can't help but be filled with wonder at how they somehow know more than the people actually deeply involved and educated on the details of these issues. And I'm staggered by their arrogance and ignorance.

A PostScript to Yesterday's Post

It's become even clearer to me that my kid takes after me.

Without going into all the details, she sucks at homework. She is smart as a whip and tests way above her grade level (she tests at the high school level in math and english) but can't seem to get her homework or projects done. THIS IS ME, 100%.

I was forever getting the comment "does not work up to her potential" on my report cards, because while they knew I was smart, school was not my priority. My friends were. Boys were. Music and good times were. It's the same with TJK. So smart but doesn't care all that much about the work. She wants good grades, but I think that's more to please us than herself. Grammar School TJK is Grammar School TJG.

I don't get the comparisons with my sister, who was very focused on her grades, always did her assignments, always studied, always did well. And I think that's what annoys me. My parents see my kid as smart so she's like my sister. Can they not see that it might be offensive to me that they attribute my kid's smarts to her aunt instead of her mom?

Next time this comes up, I'm addressing it. Because obviously, it's bothering me more than it should.

Random Complaint of the Day

I am going to randomly complain about something that drives me crazy.

So you are just a general internet moron, right, going about your business of chatting with other internet morons about stuff that no one but you and the other morons care about. And that's easy to ignore, because WTF-ever, most people pay no mind to people like you. But then, you start in. You comment on this one's weight. You comment on that one's hair. You comment on this one's clothing. You comment that that one is too old to post pictures of themselves in clothes like that.

And then, you comment about how women should stop using editing software because everyone can tell that they used it. Um, okay, what now?

Are imperfect people just not supposed to ever post pictures of themselves? What makes you the arbiter or what is acceptable to post? Is it just what offends your particular aesthetic, and if so, how should people go about learning what your aesthetic is so we don't incur your wrath for having the gall to post pictures of ourselves?

Now this isn't personal to me. I am just speaking for all imperfect people on the internet. I am confident enough (in my appearance and overall) to let these kinds of comments roll off my back if they were directed towards me. This is just a pet peeve of mine, particularly as a woman, because I feel like we should be lifting each other up and not tearing each other down. But look, people are mean and dumb and we just have to ignore them.

But it's really Part Two of this complaint that makes me the craziest.

As you are ripping people to shreds (as bullies are wont to do), your grammar is atrocious. Your spelling is nearly unreadable. You are grown-ass and yet still write like a 13-year-old from 2005 texts So here you are, tearing someone down for their looks while you are showing how stupid you are.

"Y r U soooo ugly postin picx of urself like dat? Way 2 old 4 a bikkini lollll"

Really? If a thought like that goes through your head at any point of  your life, you are the last person who should be criticizing anything about anyone, ever. Take a good hard look at who you are and how you live, and then just try shutting the fuck up and fixing yourself.

A Rant About How Much Red Robin Sucks

I've never been a big fan of Red Robin (as a non-burger eater) but having a child, we go there more often than I'd like. We went there more often when she was little because it's generally loud in there, so if your kid acts up it's no biggie because 80 other kids are acting up too. This makes it an *awesome* place for adults to go! (I hope you sense the sarcasm there).

We hadn't been there in some time (probably close to a year) so when TJK requested it the other night, I couldn't really argue. So off we went. It was a Monday night so the place was pretty empty, which was good for the screaming-kids front. Our waitress came over pretty quickly and took drink orders. Great. She then told us to use the tablet on the table to order our appetizers. Say what, now?

The devil.

I've been to other chain restaurants that have tabletop tablets so you can pay your bill from there (and/or have your kid beg you through the whole meal to pay for games for her to play, despite the fact that she has her own iphone...but I digress). But having to order our own meal from a computer? That just seems to be to be a step too far.

But we went along. We tried ordering some kind of appetizer combo thingee with boneless wings and pretzel bites. It didn't work. So we had to call the waitress over, and rather than just being able to write down our order, she had to order it on the tablet. She had a hard time figuring out what to do to order the combo as well. Ugh. She finally figured it out, and then she took our order herself for our main meal.

I ordered a chicken sandwich. The chicken was rubbery and the bun was stale. Not my idea of a good meal, and I'm pretty easygoing when it comes to fast service places like this.

After the meal, TJK begged for something called Fruffles or something like that. We looked and looked for the waitress but she was nowhere to be found. We decided to take advantage of the tablet and ordered the Fruffles on there. Ten, fifteen, twenty minutes go by. No Fruffles. Twenty five, thirty minutes, and we are looking for the server like crazy. We finally find her and ask her to just cancel the goddamned Fruffles - we were sick of waiting. Just take them off the check.

She goes to the kitchen and we can hear her yelling, "What happened to the Fruffles!?!?" Now, had we ordered them directly through her, she would have known we ordered something and would have followed up on them. But in this case, we ordered through the tablet and she was unaware that we had any items outstanding from the kitchen.

We go to pay the bill on the tablet, which is fine. I truly don't mind that because when I'm ready to go, I'm ready to go. I don't like waiting for the server to come and give the bill and come back to get the card and come back to drop it off. But then, on the tablet, which has taken our order through most of the meal, it recommends that we give a 20% tip. Seriously? I'm tipping a server 20% when the tablet did most of the work? Makes no sense to me.

I get that the tablet on the table puts the power in the customers' hands, supposedly. But to me, all it did was disengage the server and keep us waiting longer than we should have. Honestly, after this experience, I don't think we will be back to Red Robin. I feel like when I go out to eat, even if it is a "fast sit down" type of restaurant, someone should take my order and make sure it gets to me.

That's my spoiled brat review of my shitty experience at Red Robin.

As Promised, A Quite-Long Rant About the Government. I Do Go On and On Once I Get Started But You Know Me, I Have Alot To Say.

(Toward the end of my long yet very interesting and thought-provoking rant are some pics)

Anyone who has been reading me for even a minute or two knows that I am not a fan of George Bush. There are alot of reasons for my feelings, none of which I am going to go into now. But what I am going to talk about today, kids, is how our President has screwed up royally. No, silly, not Iraq. Not the Alberto Gonzales thing, or the Harriet Myers thing, or Abu Graib or Gitmo, or...well you get the idea. No, today we are going to learn about hurricanes in New Orleans and their impact, and I am not talking about the ones you drink at Pat O'Brien's with the after-effect being a hangover.

Hurricane Katrina occured in August of 2005. That, for those of you without a calendar handy, was 19 months ago. It was a terrible storm. We all watched in horror as the people of New Orleans struggled for their lives and the lives of their children, their sick, their elderly. While watching all this on tv, I remember thinking that this could not be happening in America. We could not possibly be leaving our own people there to die, to stand on rooftops and beg for help, to stand on overpasses and plead for assistance. Didn't we all come together when the tsunami struck? Didn't we have Americans there, halfway around the world, within hours to help out? Didn't our government pledge (whether we delivered or not is another story) millions if not billions in aid?

So let's skip ahead a bit, so that you know this isn't all just my opinion on our poor excuse for a President. Skip past the part where we learned that FEMA couldn't find the convention center where all those people were stranded, even though it takes up about 5 city blocks and every news organization had been there for days. Skip past the part where we learned that the FEMA director's experience was in organizing horse shows, not managing emergencies. Skip past the part where our President claims he didn't know that there were people living in the Superdome without food or water. Skip past the part where we heard our elected officials questioning whether it was even worth saving a jewel such as New Orleans. Ok, you know I can't exactly skip all of it.

But now let's skip to the part where I travel to New Orleans, nineteen months after the hurricane hit. Nineteen months. The French Quarter, which wasn't hit badly compared to the rest of the city, is looking really spiffy. Sure, that's where the tourists go, that's how they can get those tourist dollars (like mine) pouring back in. But let's travel outward, shall we? Let's see how much progress our government has helped to make in nineteen months.

One parish (which is the equivalent of a county) has lost 77% of its population since Katrina. Can you imagine losing over three-quarters of the people in your county? And its not that the people don't want to come back. Here's the thing: they can't come back. They have nowhere to live. Yep, they can get a FEMA trailer and park it in front of their homes (or what now somewhat resembles what used to be their homes) and live there. Except for this - there isn't even electricity yet in some areas. In many neighborhoods, there are no supermarkets, no convenience stores, no gas stations, NOTHING. Every single store or shop or strip mall is completely deserted. Meaning, yes, you can go and live in your driveway in a trailer with no lights, and not have any food, not have running water, and not be able to gas up your car, but you won't have a single neighbor within miles of you because you would be the only fool to do it.

This is typical of what the houses still look like. Nineteen months later.

In addition to that, the red tape is just insane. You have to "qualify" for one of these treasured FEMA trailers, and not everyone who needs one qualifies. Insurance companies are not always paying out - was it flood damage? wind damage? an act of God? Let's nitpick so we can pay out as little as possible. You can't rebuild without getting your insurance money, unless you have a few hundred grand just laying around. A perfect example of ridiculous red tape causing people not to be able to move back: the government is requiring that all houses that are rebuilt (meaning, knocked down and started from scratch) must be a certain height off the ground to protect from future flooding. That makes sense, right? Yeah it does. Except that the insurance companies will not insure your house if its like that because its unsafe in non-flood situations. So even if you want to rebuild, how can you?

Most of the homes still have the markings on them from the searches they did after Katrina hit to see if there were any bodies, living or dead. Many of the homes have grafitti all over them - not from hooligans making trouble, but from residents trying to communicate with each other since they had no phones.

The graffiti on this house says "Lisa and Donnie are ok" - this was the only way to communicate.

Nineteen months later there are still holes in the roofs where the people had to climb to the attic and hack their way out with an ax in order to survive.

This neatly-cut hole in the roof (upper left) shows that these people were rescused from their attic.


This ragged hole shows that these people had to ax their way out of their attic themselves.


So here is my issue. These people are Americans. New Orleans is part of the fabric of this nation and so are the people, rich or poor, black or white. And we have left them to hang. Should the Mayor have done more? Yes. Should the Governor have done more? Hell yes. But where, my friends, does the buck stop? If the leader of out nation sees this absolute disaster happening in his country, to his people, isn't it his obligation to say - "I see that the governor has said she does not need additional assistance, but she is wrong. I am the President and my people need help." Is that too much to ask from our leader? I mean, it goes way deeper than that; it goes to him appointing his buddies to important positions rather than quaified people. It goes to him being seemingly unable to react in a crisis (9/11 anyone? The country is under attack and he thinks it is still suitable to read to a bunch of kids. 'Nuff said.).

Yes it goes deeper, but at the core to me is that as President, this nation is his responsibility. He overrides everything else. He makes decisions every day that take away our fundamental rights in the name of catching terrorists, but he can't make decisions to send money to save a city in his own country?

And now, nineteen months later, he has had the time to think about it. Time to come up with plans to fix the levees, to get money to those in need, to help the poor and middle class and even the rich come back to their homes, to prepare for the next disaster. Somehow, I am fairly sure that if this were to happen tomorrow in another US city, we would not be any more prepared nor would we get any more guidance from our leader.

I don't only blame Bush; please don't misunderstand me. I am fully aware that there's lots of blame to go around. But again, where does the buck stop? He is ultimately responsible, and he screwed up when the hurricane happened and is continuing to screw up now by letting a beautiful, important city rot away with neglect.

2008 can not get here soon enough.

I'll Be The Giver and You Be The Taker

That's a quote from my favorite song right now, All Hail the Heartbreaker. And its how I feel. I feel like everyone wants something from me and its seldom that I get anything in return. So this is a rant about that.

I have this one group of friends who I love, really I do. But they are so needy. I am not going to go into too much detail because I forget who has this blog address and who doesn't, but let's just say that these friends seemed to be trapped in relationships they can't seem to get out of. I have been trying for years to convince them to get out, and finally, two of them are doing it. Which is great, really.

Except that every effing day, these two call me for advice. And believe me, I like telling people what to do so its not that I mind that. Its more that even now that they are feeling strong enough to get out, they are still so weak that they need to call me every day and say, "I don't know if I am doing the right thing, XYZ was sooo nice to me today, maybe I should stay." Its annoying.

And on top of that, another reason its annoying me (other than the fact that I can't tolerate weak people who don't value themselves) is that they are always looking for something from me without ever considering if *I* need anything. They call and call and email and email and its always about them. It reminds me of this line I always remember from the show Judging Amy - the guy says to the girl, I love you because of your strength. The girl says, everyone loves strong people because we never ask for anything. So that's me, the strong one who everyone loves because I don't need anything from them, I can just give and give without requiring anything from you.

Not that I need anything, I don't. I really am strong enough to take care of myself and make easy decisions, like leaving horrendous situations, all on my own without having to be convinced. It would just be nice to be asked.