After posting into the ether yesterday about several of the things keeping me awake at night, I actually slept last night. I don't know if it's legit cause-and-effect, that I wrote it all out and then was freer in my mind and that helped me nod off. But maybe it was. So maybe this needs to be my Irrational Fear and Stupid Concerns Blog.
Things got clearer and muddier in my life last night. One thing, where I was worried about my kid and her two best friends (one boy and one girl) came to fruition. Those two do like each other. TJK is happily in the middle right now, helping the boy find a way to ask out the girl. She says, emphatically, that just because she is in a band with him, that does NOT mean that she likes him. They are just friends. Right now, she is happy for them and playing a bit of matchmaker. Now I worry that the two of them will seriously veer off and TJK will be left alone. But, I feel confident that she will make it out alive.
I am still waiting to hear back from my boss about The Big Job in The Big City. I am excited and nervous and I need her to tell me how much money I am going to be making. I have a big number in my head to match up with the big job, and I am hoping I am not disappointed.
Something I think I forgot to talk about yesterday is something that has been solidly on my mind for a couple of months now. TJK is a tiny chica. She is only 4'10, while most of her friends are closer to my height of 5'8. She feels so small, even with her big personality and big intelligence. She has been going for tests: lots of blood tests (like, A LOT), an MRI to make sure she didn't have a brain tumor, and appointments with specialists. Everything has come back clear - no medical issues, no tumors or cancers or health concerns. She is just small. So now we need to make a decision about growth hormones. They might get her another inch or two in height. She is projected to be about 5' in total without them...so now we are faced with deciding if it is worth it to have her take a daily injection so she can be two inches taller. And I don't know what the right answer is. I do feel like 5'2 is so much better than 5'. I mean, at 5 feet tall, you even have a greater chance of dying in a car crash because you are too short for the airbag to deploy properly! I think I was leaning against the hormones until the doctor said it was time to decide about the hormones and then suddenly, I was for them. And, TJK was all for them until I told her it was time to decide and now she is against them. We have a month to talk it over and come to a decision....but this is super stressful. You always want to do the right thing for your kid; you want her to be happy and well adjusted and to feel normal. I wish this was a black and white decision....I am sick of the grey.
And this Kavanaugh stuff. JFC. I don't understand why it's so hard to put together what happened in this situation. Dude was drunk AF the night this happened, and on other nights in high school and college too. He and his buddy were drinking, having fun, thinking they were gods because that's what everyone had always told them they were. They took a liking to Christine Blasey-Ford and hit on her. They thought they were having fun - thought SHE was having fun. They tried to have sex with her, not noticing that was not into it because A) they were drunk AF and B) they were not used to being told no so they didn't recognize it. In their minds, it was all fun and not very memorable for them. It was not memorable because A) they were drunk AF and B) there was nothing different about this night than any other night, and possibly C) they were blackout drunk AF and don't remember how it went down or that it went down at all. We all know men like this, and knew boys like this, and the fact that all of these other privileged white men can't see it shows me that they are men just like Kavanaugh and were boys like Kavanaugh. If they admit something might have happened...then maybe they stepped outside the bounds too and just haven't been called on it.
Showing posts with label Teen. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Teen. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 02, 2018
Monday, October 01, 2018
Random Questions in my Head That Are Making Me Not Sleep
Can you still consider yourself a generous person if you are very giving with people and "treat" all the time because you know you make more money than others, but yet you get pissed off when people are not appreciative? In particular, when you take your kid's friends out to expensive events, treat them to dinners, buy them the keepsakes that come along with the events...and the parents never even text you a "thanks"? Are you still generous if you are bitter about your giving?
Is it wrong to really want a promotion because it will pay you a lot more money but really not want it because you aren't sure you want more responsibility and work?
Should I feel bad that a co-worker, who sucks at actual work and has for years, is going to be laid off? What if she is lazy af and is kind of an asshole, but she smiles in your face and pretends that you are still good friends?
What car should I get? I'm looking at the Lexus RX350 or the Range Rover Evoque SE Premium. I really like the Range Rover the best but it is known for being unreliable, and everyone I know with a Lexus loves it. And what about the fact that what I really and truly in my heart want is the Porsche Panamera? Will I always resent the fact that I am not getting what I really want? And, if I'm taking the promotion with all the extra work and commitment, do I owe it to myself to at least check out the more expensive and more perfect car?
What do you do when your daughter has become best friends with a boy and a girl, and things then start getting teenager-y? Like, its the three of them all the time, and they get along great. And now, I think the boy and girl are starting to like each other, and then my kiddo is left out. How do I help her manage that?
What happens when you get to an age where you decide you will take no shit from anyone, and that people who are ignorant or annoying or careless will have no place in your life...and then realize you are maybe becoming intolerant of imperfection? Where do you draw the line between what is acceptable and what isn't? How do you know when you are cutting too many people out of your life, and how do you know if you are using good reasons to cut them out?
How do you remove yourself from solving everyone else's problems when you can't even solve your own? If you are overwhelmed with your own petty life decisions and issues, why do people even think you are capable of tackling their problems? And why do I think I'm capable of this?
Will I be able to get past the pit in my stomach every time I see a friend/family member/high school acquaintance post their support for Bret Kavanaugh? It's taking everything in me to not drive to Louisiana and beat the crap out of my cousins for things they have posted (but then I have never met them in person so why do I even care?). This whole Kavanaugh thing is making me insane and I feel like the world is on fire and that none of these other issues means anything because Trump and his collection of douchebros are going to kill us all anyway so why even bother getting up in the morning?
Is it wrong to really want a promotion because it will pay you a lot more money but really not want it because you aren't sure you want more responsibility and work?
Should I feel bad that a co-worker, who sucks at actual work and has for years, is going to be laid off? What if she is lazy af and is kind of an asshole, but she smiles in your face and pretends that you are still good friends?
What car should I get? I'm looking at the Lexus RX350 or the Range Rover Evoque SE Premium. I really like the Range Rover the best but it is known for being unreliable, and everyone I know with a Lexus loves it. And what about the fact that what I really and truly in my heart want is the Porsche Panamera? Will I always resent the fact that I am not getting what I really want? And, if I'm taking the promotion with all the extra work and commitment, do I owe it to myself to at least check out the more expensive and more perfect car?
What do you do when your daughter has become best friends with a boy and a girl, and things then start getting teenager-y? Like, its the three of them all the time, and they get along great. And now, I think the boy and girl are starting to like each other, and then my kiddo is left out. How do I help her manage that?
What happens when you get to an age where you decide you will take no shit from anyone, and that people who are ignorant or annoying or careless will have no place in your life...and then realize you are maybe becoming intolerant of imperfection? Where do you draw the line between what is acceptable and what isn't? How do you know when you are cutting too many people out of your life, and how do you know if you are using good reasons to cut them out?
How do you remove yourself from solving everyone else's problems when you can't even solve your own? If you are overwhelmed with your own petty life decisions and issues, why do people even think you are capable of tackling their problems? And why do I think I'm capable of this?
Will I be able to get past the pit in my stomach every time I see a friend/family member/high school acquaintance post their support for Bret Kavanaugh? It's taking everything in me to not drive to Louisiana and beat the crap out of my cousins for things they have posted (but then I have never met them in person so why do I even care?). This whole Kavanaugh thing is making me insane and I feel like the world is on fire and that none of these other issues means anything because Trump and his collection of douchebros are going to kill us all anyway so why even bother getting up in the morning?
Monday, July 30, 2018
You and Me, Punk Rock Girl
So my kid is now in a punk band.
A couple of months ago, TJK's friend from school asked her if she wanted to join his band and said he'd teach her to play bass. She has taken up guitar and drums in the past and it never stuck, so I was a little hesitant to go out and buy yet another instrument. But ya know, I still am waiting for my moment of punk rock fame and glory as a chick drummer in a punk band, so my hesitation was a matter of milliseconds. I pretty much immediately said yes to her joining the band.
They are a serious little band. They aren't just some kids jamming in the garage. They practice three times a week. They have two albums already and are on iTunes. And they play out at clubs and festivals, which is weird for a bunch of not-even-high-schoolers-yet. But for me at least, sitting in a dive bar on a Saturday night with a beer in my hand is better than sitting on a soccer field at 7am on a rainy Sunday morning. Punk rock mom is more my speed than soccer mom.
I am so proud of her for so many reasons related to this band. First off, it's all boys and her, and she holds her own. The lead singer, who invited her into the band in the first place, really runs the show and manages the rest of the kids. So TJK listens, and follows his lead since he is the leader, but she doesn't take any shit. She isn't intimidated and I love that.
Secondly, TJK is a little shy. With her friends, she is a maniac and has no shades of shy, but with strangers or new people, she retreats and gets anxious. She even has a hard time approaching a salesperson in a store to ask a question. But man, put this kid on stage and the shyness disappears. She is still working on her stage presence (since she is still learning the songs), but she hops up there and you'd never know shyness resides in her. It's similar to when she acts in her school plays: when she walks onto that stage you can't see a single iota of nerves. She brims with confidence. So I love seeing it translate to the musical stage, too.
Thirdly, the band is good. I mean, they are punk so nothing is complicated or deep, but you can tell they love being up there and love people singing along and bopping their heads to the music. I find myself singing the songs randomly throughout the day; they have some catchy little ditties. They write their own songs. They play all originals...this is no wedding band doing covers.
Lastly (although I could go on and on about the ways I am proud of this kid), there seems to be a little rift developing in the band between two of the boys (let's call them S, the lead singer, and L, the rhythm guitarist). TJK was asked to be in the band and I think L is having a hard time with becoming third fiddle. S is an amazing front man - he was made for this and he is captivating on stage. And then TJK is the one girl in a boys' band, so she gets attention for that. She is a beautiful girl and when she is up there rocking the bass and killing it, she commands attention. L is falling into the shadows, partially because the kid has zero personality and zero stage presence and zero style, but also because he is overshadowed by TJK and S. So it's caused some confrontations between the two boys. (The drummer is younger and does not get involved in anyone's drama at all. He gets on stage, he plays, he growls, he screams, and then he checks out. Good for him.) TJK has been able to sidestep the drama between the two boys and let S handle it because it's his band. I love that she is all business and isn't taking sides. For the most part anyway.
TJK isn't going to be a rock star, most likely. She will probably go on to be a scientist or doctor or lawyer or something else. But I am so happy for her, that she gets to have this amazing experience in her teen years. It is going to be an amazing memory for her (as long as she and S don't start dating and then he tries to pull a Thurston Moore to her Kim Gordon...I don't want her memories of the band to be her mom murdering a dude for messing with her). But for now, playing at clubs, hanging with the boys, making music...it is all just so, so good.
A couple of months ago, TJK's friend from school asked her if she wanted to join his band and said he'd teach her to play bass. She has taken up guitar and drums in the past and it never stuck, so I was a little hesitant to go out and buy yet another instrument. But ya know, I still am waiting for my moment of punk rock fame and glory as a chick drummer in a punk band, so my hesitation was a matter of milliseconds. I pretty much immediately said yes to her joining the band.
They are a serious little band. They aren't just some kids jamming in the garage. They practice three times a week. They have two albums already and are on iTunes. And they play out at clubs and festivals, which is weird for a bunch of not-even-high-schoolers-yet. But for me at least, sitting in a dive bar on a Saturday night with a beer in my hand is better than sitting on a soccer field at 7am on a rainy Sunday morning. Punk rock mom is more my speed than soccer mom.
I am so proud of her for so many reasons related to this band. First off, it's all boys and her, and she holds her own. The lead singer, who invited her into the band in the first place, really runs the show and manages the rest of the kids. So TJK listens, and follows his lead since he is the leader, but she doesn't take any shit. She isn't intimidated and I love that.
Secondly, TJK is a little shy. With her friends, she is a maniac and has no shades of shy, but with strangers or new people, she retreats and gets anxious. She even has a hard time approaching a salesperson in a store to ask a question. But man, put this kid on stage and the shyness disappears. She is still working on her stage presence (since she is still learning the songs), but she hops up there and you'd never know shyness resides in her. It's similar to when she acts in her school plays: when she walks onto that stage you can't see a single iota of nerves. She brims with confidence. So I love seeing it translate to the musical stage, too.
Thirdly, the band is good. I mean, they are punk so nothing is complicated or deep, but you can tell they love being up there and love people singing along and bopping their heads to the music. I find myself singing the songs randomly throughout the day; they have some catchy little ditties. They write their own songs. They play all originals...this is no wedding band doing covers.
Lastly (although I could go on and on about the ways I am proud of this kid), there seems to be a little rift developing in the band between two of the boys (let's call them S, the lead singer, and L, the rhythm guitarist). TJK was asked to be in the band and I think L is having a hard time with becoming third fiddle. S is an amazing front man - he was made for this and he is captivating on stage. And then TJK is the one girl in a boys' band, so she gets attention for that. She is a beautiful girl and when she is up there rocking the bass and killing it, she commands attention. L is falling into the shadows, partially because the kid has zero personality and zero stage presence and zero style, but also because he is overshadowed by TJK and S. So it's caused some confrontations between the two boys. (The drummer is younger and does not get involved in anyone's drama at all. He gets on stage, he plays, he growls, he screams, and then he checks out. Good for him.) TJK has been able to sidestep the drama between the two boys and let S handle it because it's his band. I love that she is all business and isn't taking sides. For the most part anyway.
TJK isn't going to be a rock star, most likely. She will probably go on to be a scientist or doctor or lawyer or something else. But I am so happy for her, that she gets to have this amazing experience in her teen years. It is going to be an amazing memory for her (as long as she and S don't start dating and then he tries to pull a Thurston Moore to her Kim Gordon...I don't want her memories of the band to be her mom murdering a dude for messing with her). But for now, playing at clubs, hanging with the boys, making music...it is all just so, so good.
Friday, July 06, 2018
WWMD? (What Would Mama Do?)
It's hard to describe how difficult it is to parent a teenage girl.
I know I was one, and I know I was a particularly difficult one. And for that, mom, I'm sorry.
My girl isn't difficult (yet) in the way I was. She is not rebellious, she is not a rule-breaker or even a rule-tester, and she talks to me and her dad all the time in great detail. Whereas my parents knew nothing about what was going on in my life or mind, TJK shares everything with us. And that's where my difficulty comes in.
TJK tells me when her feelings get hurt by her friends. The other day, she was with four friends at the fireworks in town. One friend took off as soon as they got there, and then there were 4. Two of the girls were kind of huddled together talking, not including the other two. TJK was one of the ones who was left out (although she was "left out" with one of the other girls, who she was talking to the whole time, so...). She called me, right from the fireworks, because her feelings were hurt. She needed advice so she wanted to talk to me.
Now this is fantastic in so many ways. TJK tends to be shy and doesn't like to start trouble (again, the opposite of me). So in this case, I told her to talk to the other girls and either a) confront them about why they weren't talking to anyone else or b) just start talking to them and make conversation...basically, just include yourself if they weren't going to include you. Or, the third option: just hang out with Girl 4 and have a great time laughing and talking so you aren't missing out on anything - you are creating your own fun. She actually chose option A - I was so proud - and did it in her own, nicer and kinder way. And it worked for her.
So why is this difficult? It all worked out in the end, right? Well, do most kids call their moms from the fireworks, with a group of their friends around, to ask advice and vent? What do her friends think? And why can't she channel me in her mind instead of calling? I mean, she knows what advice I am going to give (be bold, ask questions, confront bad behavior in whatever form, be strong). Am I raising her to be too dependent on me?
When she was little and would have little girl problems, I would tell her there was nothing I couldn't figure out a way to fix. She would tell me her issues and we would talk them through and find solutions. It's what I do best. It's why I'm good at my job and why I'm (mostly) good at life. I think I thought showing her strength and showing her how I came to solutions would help her do the same. But I'm afraid it's just made her dependent on me to solve her problems.
So, what do you do with that when you are talking about a teenage girl? A girl who has a great group of girlfriends, but who is heading into the unknown world of high school? A girl who is spending more and more time with the cute boy in her class? A girl who is now in a punk band that plays in bars and who could easily be put in compromising situations with drinking and drugs and sex? A girl who will get her driver's permit in a year and a half?
Part of me says I have to let her start figuring out her own problems. And the other part says, some of these problems are big and could have life-altering consequences and the fact that she comes to me is a huge plus. I know that the kid she is now would call me if her driver was drinking. I know that the kid she is now would tell me when she finally kisses the cute boy in her class. I know that the kid she is now would share it with me if she was offered drugs or if a boy got "fresh" with her. So is now really the time to cut that cord?
As I'm writing, the solution has perhaps become clearer (which is why I love to write - it clears my head). I need to use these little problems as tests. When she is at the fireworks and two friends make her feel sad, I need to ask her what she thinks she should do. I need to not give her the answers, but help her learn my process for finding solutions. I need to help her find which avenue she should take instead of driving her there myself.
I need to buy her a WWMD bracelet so I'm always in her head when she's making decisions.
I know I was one, and I know I was a particularly difficult one. And for that, mom, I'm sorry.
My girl isn't difficult (yet) in the way I was. She is not rebellious, she is not a rule-breaker or even a rule-tester, and she talks to me and her dad all the time in great detail. Whereas my parents knew nothing about what was going on in my life or mind, TJK shares everything with us. And that's where my difficulty comes in.
TJK tells me when her feelings get hurt by her friends. The other day, she was with four friends at the fireworks in town. One friend took off as soon as they got there, and then there were 4. Two of the girls were kind of huddled together talking, not including the other two. TJK was one of the ones who was left out (although she was "left out" with one of the other girls, who she was talking to the whole time, so...). She called me, right from the fireworks, because her feelings were hurt. She needed advice so she wanted to talk to me.
Now this is fantastic in so many ways. TJK tends to be shy and doesn't like to start trouble (again, the opposite of me). So in this case, I told her to talk to the other girls and either a) confront them about why they weren't talking to anyone else or b) just start talking to them and make conversation...basically, just include yourself if they weren't going to include you. Or, the third option: just hang out with Girl 4 and have a great time laughing and talking so you aren't missing out on anything - you are creating your own fun. She actually chose option A - I was so proud - and did it in her own, nicer and kinder way. And it worked for her.
So why is this difficult? It all worked out in the end, right? Well, do most kids call their moms from the fireworks, with a group of their friends around, to ask advice and vent? What do her friends think? And why can't she channel me in her mind instead of calling? I mean, she knows what advice I am going to give (be bold, ask questions, confront bad behavior in whatever form, be strong). Am I raising her to be too dependent on me?
When she was little and would have little girl problems, I would tell her there was nothing I couldn't figure out a way to fix. She would tell me her issues and we would talk them through and find solutions. It's what I do best. It's why I'm good at my job and why I'm (mostly) good at life. I think I thought showing her strength and showing her how I came to solutions would help her do the same. But I'm afraid it's just made her dependent on me to solve her problems.
So, what do you do with that when you are talking about a teenage girl? A girl who has a great group of girlfriends, but who is heading into the unknown world of high school? A girl who is spending more and more time with the cute boy in her class? A girl who is now in a punk band that plays in bars and who could easily be put in compromising situations with drinking and drugs and sex? A girl who will get her driver's permit in a year and a half?
Part of me says I have to let her start figuring out her own problems. And the other part says, some of these problems are big and could have life-altering consequences and the fact that she comes to me is a huge plus. I know that the kid she is now would call me if her driver was drinking. I know that the kid she is now would tell me when she finally kisses the cute boy in her class. I know that the kid she is now would share it with me if she was offered drugs or if a boy got "fresh" with her. So is now really the time to cut that cord?
As I'm writing, the solution has perhaps become clearer (which is why I love to write - it clears my head). I need to use these little problems as tests. When she is at the fireworks and two friends make her feel sad, I need to ask her what she thinks she should do. I need to not give her the answers, but help her learn my process for finding solutions. I need to help her find which avenue she should take instead of driving her there myself.
I need to buy her a WWMD bracelet so I'm always in her head when she's making decisions.
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