Ramblings About My Lack of Friendship Skills

I am not good at meeting new people. I am not good at small talk. I am not good at trusting people. I am not good at controlling my mouth when people say things I don't like. And I am not good at tolerating people I just don't like.

Last night, TJK had a gig with her awesome little punk band out in PA. People saw a cute girl with her bass guitar and kept coming up and talking to her and then to me (once I was like, uh, dude, she's 14, back the fuck off before I stab you in the dick). We both reacted in the same way to these strangers talking to us: we say hello, expect them to move on, they don't, we glaze over and want to disappear.

Do not be a male over the age of 16 talking to my baby girl.
You will die a slow and painful death at my hands.

I wish I was better at this stuff so I could teach her to be better at this stuff, especially if she is trying to build up her band. Luckily the lead singer is totally good at it (and so are his parents) so they take up the slack...but still.

Even those parents, though. The kids went on about 2 hours later than we thought they would, so the parents went down the street for a drink while the kids watched the rest of the bands. We have a lot in common with these parents: we are about the same age, have kids the same age who go to the same school and have been in the same class for the past two years, love to travel and have been all over Europe, love the same kind of music and love live shows. But in talking to them, they only want to talk about themselves. We have all been to Spain...but, have you been to this tiny town on the water where they drank this cider you could only get in that tiny town? Oh sure, yes, we have been to Italy too, but have you heard of this small village no one has ever heard of where the apples grow only one every 50 years and they were there to experience it? It was all this oneupmanship that I can't tolerate. Like, you tell a travel story, then we tell a travel story. Hubby mentions we have been to Russia. They reply, ooooh, that must have been fascinating, tell us all about it! And then when we start, she interrupts with "Oh that sounds like the time we went to that eastern bloc town about 40 miles outside of Prague...let me tell you all about that instead!"

And I just lose my patience. I stop talking because it's not a conversation, its a lecture. I am sure I purse my lips and roll my eyes and I am visually and completely done with the conversation. Not that they notice, because the lecture continues.

Maybe if I tried harder instead of shutting down, we could be good friends with them. But making friends is not my strength. I am not sure what my strength is, exactly, but niceness to strangers and people who annoy me is certainly not it.

You and Me, Punk Rock Girl

So my kid is now in a punk band.

A couple of months ago, TJK's friend from school asked her if she wanted to join his band and said he'd teach her to play bass. She has taken up guitar and drums in the past and it never stuck, so I was a little hesitant to go out and buy yet another instrument. But ya know, I still am waiting for my moment of punk rock fame and glory as a chick drummer in a punk band, so my hesitation was a matter of milliseconds. I pretty much immediately said yes to her joining the band.

They are a serious little band. They aren't just some kids jamming in the garage. They practice three times a week. They have two albums already and are on iTunes. And they play out at clubs and festivals, which is weird for a bunch of not-even-high-schoolers-yet. But for me at least, sitting in a dive bar on a Saturday night with a beer in my hand is better than sitting on a soccer field at 7am on a rainy Sunday morning. Punk rock mom is more my speed than soccer mom.

I am so proud of her for so many reasons related to this band. First off, it's all boys and her, and she holds her own. The lead singer, who invited her into the band in the first place, really runs the show and manages the rest of the kids. So TJK listens, and follows his lead since he is the leader, but she doesn't take any shit. She isn't intimidated and I love that.

Secondly, TJK is a little shy. With her friends, she is a maniac and has no shades of shy, but with strangers or new people, she retreats and gets anxious. She even has a hard time approaching a salesperson in a store to ask a question. But man, put this kid on stage and the shyness disappears. She is still working on her stage presence (since she is still learning the songs), but she hops up there and you'd never know shyness resides in her. It's similar to when she acts in her school plays: when she walks onto that stage you can't see a single iota of nerves. She brims with confidence. So I love seeing it translate to the musical stage, too.

Thirdly, the band is good. I mean, they are punk so nothing is complicated or deep, but you can tell they love being up there and love people singing along and bopping their heads to the music. I find myself singing the songs randomly throughout the day; they have some catchy little ditties. They write their own songs. They play all originals...this is no wedding band doing covers.

Lastly (although I could go on and on about the ways I am proud of this kid), there seems to be a little rift developing in the band between two of the boys (let's call them S, the lead singer, and L, the rhythm guitarist). TJK was asked to be in the band and I think L is having a hard time with becoming third fiddle. S is an amazing front man - he was made for this and he is captivating on stage. And then TJK is the one girl in a boys' band, so she gets attention for that. She is a beautiful girl and when she is up there rocking the bass and killing it, she commands attention. L is falling into the shadows, partially because the kid has zero personality and zero stage presence and zero style, but also because he is overshadowed by TJK and S. So it's caused some confrontations between the two boys. (The drummer is younger and does not get involved in anyone's drama at all. He gets on stage, he plays, he growls, he screams, and then he checks out. Good for him.) TJK has been able to sidestep the drama between the two boys and let S handle it because it's his band. I love that she is all business and isn't taking sides. For the most part anyway.

TJK isn't going to be a rock star, most likely. She will probably go on to be a scientist or doctor or lawyer or something else. But I am so happy for her, that she gets to have this amazing experience in her teen years. It is going to be an amazing memory for her (as long as she and S don't start dating and then he tries to pull a Thurston Moore to her Kim Gordon...I don't want her memories of the band to be her mom murdering a dude for messing with her). But for now, playing at clubs, hanging with the boys, making music...it is all just so, so good.