I've Even Impressed Myself

My boss has hated me for years. When I first started reporting to her, about 7 years ago, I was invited to a meeting at our 5th Ave office with the rest of the HR team. I wore a (respectable) leopard print dress (no, really, it was respectable and pretty and not at all strippery, I promise) with a black cardigan and black boots. It was edgy and again, totally work appropriate, but didn't fit in with the conservative nature of that office culture. During the meeting, again, my first in-person meeting with her, I made a (very funny) sarcastic comment. She doesn't have a great sense of humor so she took me seriously. Ugh. I did not make the best first impression, but I always felt like she knew who I was right up front (I was the broad who would wear animal print and throw sarcasm and own the shit out of it). For the next 7 or so years, I did not win her over, did not get her to like me, and did not care all that much. I'm good at my job, everyone in my location loves and admires me, and I won't be fake for anyone. So, hate me if you want, but this is who I am and I'm not going to change.

About 6 months ago, I worked on a project for my boss. Actually, a good number of us were doing the same project for each of our locations. I got mine done super fast and she was super impressed. I could see her looking at me differently. After I completed my project, I helped everyone else with theirs (not to impress her - just to help my co-workers). Again, she was impressed. She was seeing me in a different light. I also found over $1m that our landlord owed us and recouped the money. Again, impressed.

Suddenly, our conversations were different. It was no longer me talking and her barely listening. She started asking for my opinions. She sought me out for projects. She asked me about where I saw my career going. She heard what I had to say and advocated for my ideas. She started telling me more personal things about herself. I started calling her my bestie (no, not to her face. She isn't that kind of boss).

On Friday, she called me from her cell phone. Of course, I thought I was being fired because I just knew that once we became best friends, she would let me go. But no, that wasn't to be. Instead, she offered me a promotion. It's a pretty big promotion and a little scary to even consider. I don't know yet how much money is in it for me, but I know I'll be working in NYC three days a week (which entails me taking the bus - I know, I'm a weenie...but I really like driving my own car). It entails me working at 3 different locations throughout the week (two in NYC and my current NJ location). It entails me getting up much earlier and getting home much later, with my commute increasing from about 40 minutes a day to almost 3 hours a day (ugh).

But. My kid is almost 15 years old. She is  in high school. She hangs out with her friends after school all the time. Do I still NEED to be home at 5:30 for her? Isn't it time to maybe focus on making that cash and building my career further? Am I supposed to wait around for another 4 years till she goes off the college and hope for an opportunity like this again?

But. Do I want more responsibility? Do I want to start over with having to gain trust from a new group of people when my peeps are already there? Do I want to get home later and potentially lose some of the closeness TJK and I have built? (Honestly, I don't see that happening...I think I did a good job with this kid and she will support me and understand, and that we will find time for each other.)

Y'all. My boss, who hated me six months ago, created a senior position for me and wants me working directly with her. She told me I have impressed her, that I am a good manager of people, that I have a good head on my shoulders, that I'm good at building bonds with the execs I support. How could I not take advantage of this opportunity?

I'm movin' on up.

Blathering on about Shitty Friends Acting Shitty

I've mentioned here before about a friend of mine, a very dear friend, whose parenting style is the complete opposite of mine. Which, generally, who cares? But her parenting style keeps bumping up against mine in unexpected ways and I am so over it.

M has been a friend of TJK since kindergarten. They have been best friends at times, but have drifted apart over the past few years. M is running with a mean girls crowd, and TJK has no time for that. But they are still friendly and have several close friends in common.

The one example from the past that always sticks with me is when they went to art camp together. M's mom was going to drive them there each day and I would pick them up. After day 1, M decided she didn't want to go anymore. There was a homeless man at the park sitting on a bench, and it freaked her out. M's mom agreed that she would not go back. The impact of this was: 1) now my kid is at camp alone, after we signed them up together, 2) now I have to drive both ways to camp, which did not jive with my work schedule, and 3) M was taught that you can just bail out of whatever you want without thinking of anyone else. There have been multiple instances like this, where M just deserts her friends or an obligation because she feels like it. Another was at performing arts camp, where we signed the girls up for post-camp dance lessons because they ran till 6 and then M decided she didn't want to take the classes and TJK ended up there alone. For 3 weeks.

My parenting style is the opposite of this. And really, it's not just parenting style, its the core of who I am. If TJK had committed to camp (or anything) with a friend and I had committed to driving, I would never let either of us bail. It's a commitment and it impacts other people. At some point you need to learn that the world does not revolve around you, and when you are a kid is the time to learn. M is going to be in for a rude awakening when she goes out into the real world (if she ever does).

So what happened today to bring this up? Months and months ago, a mutual friend invited M and TJK to go see some Youtubers they love this coming weekend. M's mom and I made plans to take the kids to the venue and then hang out for drinks and then bring the kids home. This morning I get a text from M's mom saying that M had been invited to something else this weekend and she really wanted to go, so she was going to let M go to this other event instead of the one she committed to all those months ago. I can't comprehend how this is ok. M already committed to going to to event. You already committed to driving with me and then having a girls night. What are you teaching your kid? How are you treating your friend? Everything is disposable; everything is replaceable when something better comes along.

I worry about M, and that she is never going to be able to stick with anything, or get through anything rough because she hasn't had to muddle through anything unpleasant, or deal with anything that isn't exactly what she wants to do at that moment. And, I worry about my friendship with M's mom because honestly, I can't take this kind of spoiling your kid at the expense of everyone around you. And she hasn't given me a second thought either. Just like with the camps where her actions meant more work for me, she hasn't considered that her decisions will impact me. Is it just that she spoils her kid so much that she can't see outside it? Or is it that, just like M, she doesn't consider anyone else when she makes decisions?

I am really angry right now, which for this moment means ignoring her text so I don't explode on her. I know if I open my brain onto her about how I am feeling right now, it will probably end our friendship. Meanness is coursing through my veins and I want to tell her how her actions impact others and how they are setting up her kid for a lifetime of unhappiness. And I know that won't go over too well, at all.

WWMD? (What Would Mama Do?)

It's hard to describe how difficult it is to parent a teenage girl.

I know I was one, and I know I was a particularly difficult one. And for that, mom, I'm sorry.

My girl isn't difficult (yet) in the way I was. She is not rebellious, she is not a rule-breaker or even a rule-tester, and she talks to me and her dad all the time in great detail. Whereas my parents knew nothing about what was going on in my life or mind, TJK shares everything with us. And that's where my difficulty comes in.

TJK tells me when her feelings get hurt by her friends. The other day, she was with four friends at the fireworks in town.  One friend took off as soon as they got there, and then there were 4. Two of the girls were kind of huddled together talking, not including the other two. TJK was one of the ones who was left out (although she was "left out" with one of the other girls, who she was talking to the whole time, so...). She called me, right from the fireworks, because her feelings were hurt. She needed advice so she wanted to talk to me.

Now this is fantastic in so many ways. TJK tends to be shy and doesn't like to start trouble (again, the opposite of me). So in this case, I told her to talk to the other girls and either a) confront them about why they weren't talking to anyone else or b) just start talking to them and make conversation...basically, just include yourself if they weren't going to include you. Or, the third option: just hang out with Girl 4 and have a great time laughing and talking so you aren't missing out on anything - you are creating your own fun. She actually chose option A - I was so proud - and did it in her own, nicer and kinder way. And it worked for her.

So why is this difficult? It all worked out in the end, right? Well, do most kids call their moms from the fireworks, with a group of their friends around, to ask advice and vent? What do her friends think? And why can't she channel me in her mind instead of calling? I mean, she knows what advice I am going to give (be bold, ask questions, confront bad behavior in whatever form, be strong). Am I raising her to be too dependent on me?

When she was little and would have little girl problems, I would tell her there was nothing I couldn't figure out a way to fix. She would tell me her issues and we would talk them through and find solutions. It's what I do best. It's why I'm good at my job and why I'm (mostly) good at life. I think I thought showing her strength and showing her how I came to solutions would help her do the same. But I'm afraid it's just made her dependent on me to solve her problems.

So, what do you do with that when you are talking about a teenage girl? A girl who has a great group of girlfriends, but who is heading into the unknown world of high school? A girl who is spending more and more time with the cute boy in her class? A girl who is now in a punk band that plays in bars and who could easily be put in compromising situations with drinking and drugs and sex? A girl who will get her driver's permit in a year and a half?

Part of me says I have to let her start figuring out her own problems. And the other part says, some of these problems are big and could have life-altering consequences and the fact that she comes to me is a huge plus. I know that the kid she is now would call me if her driver was drinking. I know that the kid she is now would tell me when she finally kisses the cute boy in her class. I know that the kid she is now would share it with me if she was offered drugs or if a boy got "fresh" with her. So is now really the time to cut that cord?

As I'm writing, the solution has perhaps become clearer (which is why I love to write - it clears my head). I need to use these little problems as tests. When she is at the fireworks and two friends make her feel sad, I need to ask her what she thinks she should do. I need to not give her the answers, but help her learn my process for finding solutions. I need to help her find which avenue she should take instead of driving her there myself.

I need to buy her a WWMD bracelet so I'm always in her head when she's making decisions.

A Whiplash of Feelings Over the Political Weekend

Well, there's a lot on my mind today, following the inauguration of the Cheeto and the magnificence of the Women's Marches. Friday felt like a day of despair, knowing that the Obamas leaving the White House meant yuge changes for our country - changes that even those who supported him do not expect nor want. It felt like such a dark day, like I had to brace myself for the next four years of this man as our leader. It was hard to feel hopeful about the future and I felt myself getting depressed and downright angry about it.

Saturday was a day of resurgence - while I wasn't able to march (it KILLED me that I couldn't!), I watched on tv and social media all day while millions of my sisters marched for the rights of women, the LGBT community, communities of color, and healthcare, and against sexism, racism, xenophobia, Islamophobia, and homophobia. It filled me with joy to see all of these human beings joining together to march not only in DC, NYC, and LA, but in tiny towns and medium cities across America and the entire world (including friggin' Antarctica!). While it upset me to see some Facebook friends stating that the march wasn't necessary because they personally are doing just fine (wow, self-centered much?), most of my feed was of friends who had personally attended marches or who were in full support. It felt like a good day filled with hope and promise.

Then on Sunday, I took TJK, who wants to be a rocket scientist, to see Hidden Figures at the movies. It blew my mind how amazing this movie was and how timely its release was. These three brilliant women were held back because of their gender and skin color, held down at every step by the government and the system and their employers and even some of their loved ones...only to triumph monumentally in the end. It was so incredibly inspiring, and following the day of marches on Saturday, it made my heart smile. Hope had returned.

And in my own reality, my Sunday went something like this: hubby, kiddo and I went to the movies; hubby and I went food shopping together; the three of us cooked a big dinner together with all of us prepping, cooking, and cleaning up afterwards; and finally, all three of us watched football together, with my husband and daughter in their Steelers jerseys complaining together about the loss. It made me see that the way my own life has turned out falls right in line with my moral stance on how life should be: we all food shopped, we all cooked; we all cleaned, we all watched football; we are all equals in my house. And that is what I believe should be the norm.

This, to me, is a big part of being a feminist: living your own truth and walking the walk. We don't fall into stereotypical gender roles - we are equals. We help each other. My money is his money, and vice versa. We are a team. He takes care of me, and I take care of him. And my daughter sees that, and she thinks it's odd when she is at a friend's house and the dad sits on the couch watching football while the mom cooks after both have worked all week and could use a rest. As a mother of a daughter, I am so proud of the example we are setting for her.

As Monday wears on and I hear about the anti-abortion orders President Cheeto is signing, I feel the despair start to creep back in. But I won't let it. Good wins in the end. I know it does. And while he and his unseemly minions will certainly win many battles in their positions of power, I know that what's right will win the war.

Commitments

I think one of the most important things you do as a parent is prepare them for life outside of your home. Real life. Life at work, with friends, with a future partner. Life when it's great and life when it's hard and dark and painful. You teach them their value so they accept no less than the best from their friends and lovers. You teach them respect so they treat others well and expect the same in return. You teach them sticktoittiveness so they learn perseverance and stamina and ability to work through the hard times to get back to the good times.

These are hard lessons to teach kids sometimes. It's so much easier to let them make their every decision in a way that makes them happy at the moment. They don't really understand the hard decisions most of the time, and they think you are being mean by not just letting them get what they want. Instant gratification is okay for tweens, but adults who can't see past the moment at hand are bad employees, selfish friends, and terrible husbands/wives. And the whole job of parenting, in my opinion, is raising solid, happy, productive adults...not overgrown children.

Recently, this has come to a head with one of TJK's friends. It's an ongoing issue and it has come up repeatedly over the years, but now it's becoming a real problem. TJK and her friend are in a 3 week camp together. There was talk of carpooling for drop off and pickup and of all the great aftercare classes offered in this camp.The girls were looking forward to it.

We are now on day four of camp. TJK's friend has not gone to aftercare once, despite her mom telling me that she was going to go every day for at least the first week to see which classes she wanted to take. TJK is disappointed, but she is fine. She has made other friends and is loving aftercare. I am annoyed that I have to do drop off and pick up every day instead of splitting it as I'd hoped, but I'll get over it. No biggie.

The bigger issue to me is the way this kid is allowed to do whatever she wants. She committed to this with my daughter, with me, with her mom - not to mention that her mom paid for it and isn't attending! - and she has been allowed to skip it every day because she feels like it. What lesson is this teaching your child?

A couple of years ago, the girls went to another camp together (again, we were supposed to carpool...). On day one, they walked to a park for lunch and there was a homeless man there, sitting on a park bench. Not for nothing, but this is not unheard of, and if you live in the greater NYC area, it's something you get used to seeing. The man didn't approach or talk to or interact with the kids at all - just sat on the bench. Well, this child was so freaked out on day one that she did not return to camp. At all. Her mother allowed her to bail because she was uncomfortable at a park with a group of 20 kids and several counselors and one homeless man. She allowed her to ditch camp completely, leaving TJK and me in a lurch.

Even this past weekend, we had plans to go away with girl and her mom (we are good friends with them, honestly, and I do love the mom). We bought tickets to an event, made hotel reservations, laid out our plan of attack for the drive and our time away. They did go with us, but at one point the mom said to me, "I was so afraid she was going to get up this morning and say she was too tired to go and we would have to cancel."

WHAT.

If TJK got up and said she was too tired, I would tell her to take a nap in the car because we have plans and money had already been spent. It would never occur to me that I should cancel or rearrange our plans because of what TJK wants or doesn't want at that moment. She is involved in the decision-making process, but once she commits, she is committed.

I get that it's easier to allow your kids to run the show, and that it's not fun when you have to say no and they get mad at you. It's hard to have the center of your universe angry with you and think you are mean and, even worse, not cool. But that's parenting. It's not easy.

I feel badly for TJK, who had these three weeks of camp planned out with her friend and now has to rearrange and reset her expectations. She asked me if she, too, could skip aftercare because her friend was skipping. I told her no. She committed to going and she is going to go. And she was not happy with me and I can live with that. I know that her being miserable today is teaching her something valuable: that you stand by what you say and you do what you said you were going to do. In a few years, I know these lessons will pay off. And I am afraid that her friend will be left expecting the world to curve to her will and not knowing how to cope when it refuses to.

Tweenager Aboard

[I never use my daughter's real name online, and since the early days of my blog (when people read it and it wasn't just for me to vent), I called her Princess. But then when I switched over to twitter, I started calling her True Jersey Kid (TJK for short) so I guess I'll keep using TJK for her because it seems to suit her well.]

Eleven is a strange age. TJK is basically 2 completely different people at this stage of the game - a mature young woman who wants to spend all her time with her friends and focuses all of her energy on having fun and hanging out, and a little girl who still desperately needs her mommy and wants to be involved in everything I do. And these two people can switch out at any given moment with no notice at all.

Example: TJK and I have been watching Pretty Little Liars together. Binge-ing it, really. Her friend and her friend's mom watch it as well, and we are all trying to get to the same point so we can finish the catching up together and then hopefully catch some episodes as they air live. So when TJK is home in the evenings, we watch. However, I am now just as invested in this show as she is. And I want to see what happens next!

TJK, most days, goes to a friend's house after school. She does not think twice about me, does not think about Pretty Little Liars, does not even really care which friend's house she goes to - she just wants to go. And I am fine with it because she has a good group of friends, they do their homework before they play, and I know how important friendships are to her. Not to mention the fact that I get a little bit of downtime alone after work, which is a plus. But keep in mind, this is nearly every day, which then limits my PLL viewing to almost nil.

Last week, on Thursday (which made it her 4th night in a row away from home), I decided to settle in with an adult beverage and some PLL. When TJK came home and found out, she cried. Literal tears. She was so upset and felt that this was a personal attack on her. Why would I watch without her? How could I do this to her? This was OUR THING that we do TOGETHER and I had broken that sacred bond.

My response: Well, we need to get through this episodes if you want to watch with our friends, so we need to get on this. You have not spent any time at home in weeks, and I have been ok with it, but I want to watch this show. You can catch up when you are home or else I can just tell you what you missed. MORE TEARS. I did not understand. She curled up in my lap and cried on my shoulder while I held her tight and promised that no, I will not watch any more episodes without her.

One minute- out and about, doesn't want to come home, wants only to be with her friends. Next minute: curled in a call on my lap like a baby crying because she wanted to do this thing with me. It's hard to parent a child when you don't know which personality you have to deal with in that moment.

And I know it only gets worse from here. We are still in the tween years...which means that she loves me, thinks I'm really cool, likes spending time with me, doesn't mind when I sing and dance and act crazy in front of her friends...and we all know that goes away in a year or two. So even though I never know which kid I'm dealing with....I'm trying to enjoy every moment of it.

A Long Post About My Kid, With a Cool Pic at the End.

I see it as a big responsibility to raise a daughter these days. I need Princess to be strong and tough and not take anyone's crap, have confidence in me that if someone wrongs her in any way that she can tell me and I will kick ass for her, while also making sure she is polite and caring and "good." It's a tall order.

I am always working with her on what to do if she is picked on. The boys in her daycare who are slightly older - meaning like 4 or 5 years old - pick on the younger girls and call them babies or say silly things like, Princess you don't have long hair. When she does have long hair. Silly. But it makes Princess so upset that she cries and can’t sleep because she is running it all over and over in her head when she goes to bed. I don’t get why she is so sensitive (but I think my mom’s genes may be to blame. Sorry mom.). So I have been teaching her what to say – like, "Michael, and I am so three years old and I am not a baby, so you are obviously not very smart. Now get away from me."

We practice this. We also practice how to knock someone down if they hit you. We do this only because there is a little boy in her class who hits everyone, all the time, and I am not having that. The kid needs to get knocked down and I am fine with it being my kid who does it. I even told the teacher, if this kid hits Princess one more time, I am going to have to start teaching her how to knock him unconscious since you are not stopping it. She looked at me in shock, but she could tell I meant it. They just love me there.

Anyhoo, this is a hard part of being a parent. I don't want her to be a bully or to hit other kids without provocation, but I also don’t want her getting picked on. I think she needs to learn to defend herself, preferably with the art of sarcasm and wit, as early as possible. She has a mean face she makes when she is mad and I am trying to get her to use it with people other than me and Hub. While its not as intimidating as my mean face, its pretty good. Check it out.

THREE

Today, Princess turns three years old. I don't exactly know how three years have passed so quickly, but it also seems like I have known her forever. If ever I doubt there's a god, I look at the fact that I am the most impatient, self-centered person on the planet and I was given a kid who fits me perfectly and doesn't drive me insane. She is so cool. She listens to good rock music and knows all the words. On any given day she will sing My Chemical Romance followed by Ring Around the Rosie. She "hangs out" like a cool teenager and makes it fun to lay on the floor and play with blocks. She is smarter than me. She laughs so hard that it makes me laugh even when I don't want to. She will see a band on tv and know who it is ("Mommy look, its Jared Leto! Run Away! I'll Attack!"). She tells me she is proud of me when I do something nice for her. She is stubborn, hard-headed, strong-willed, and tough (sounds a little familiar). Even my friends who don't like kids just adore her because she is just awesome. Its like somehow I got the exact right kid for me. I am so lucky to have her.

Happy 3rd birthday, Princess!

I Don't Know If I'm Back For Good

So I miss this whole blogging thing. I do. I still think to myself when something funny or crazy happens in my life, "gotta put this on the blog." I don't know if I have it in me to keep up with it like I used to though, I just don't know. Princess is turning 3 and she is a full time job by herself, plus of course my actual paying full time job which is turning out to be high stress and high drama (ah, lots of potential stories for the blog there, I can tell you that). Plus my actual life which is really crazy and insanely busy.

I'm not going to "advertise" that I am back, because I am not sure I am really back. But I'm giving it a shot.

Here's an example of how crazy my life is:

Tonight, Hub and I are flying to Florida for a concert. We fly out tonight (Friday) and come back Sunday morning. The concert is all day Saturday. Check it out here: Buzz Bakesale. I have become totally and insanely obsessed with Gerard Way from My Chemical Romance. Yes, perhaps he is a poser, and yes Patsy, I know he was a little scary with the black hair (but you know I dig that scary-boys-with black-hair-and-more-eyeliner-than-me thing). There is just something about the new MCR cd that blows me away; I truly think it is genius. And Gerard is just so purty. So I somehow convinced Hub that we need to fly to FL for a concert, and he somehow agreed. Life is good. I am going to try to smuggle the camera in so I can get some good pics of Gerard (and oh yeah, also of Jared Leto who was my obsessive crush a few months back and is also playing with his band 30 Seconds to Mars at the concert). This concert is just pretty, dirty rock boy after pretty, dirty rock boy and I can't wait.

Scary, dirty Gerard Way. Yum.

Feels good to be (possibly) back.