The One Where I Pay Myself on the Back

I have been getting the nicest compliments from co-workers since I was offered my promotion. (Of course, my boss has not called me back, so the promotion thing is not official, which is making me mental. But it's ok, really, I'm fine.)

The leaders in my location now know that they will be losing me three days a week, and they are freaking out. I have been told that we have to get full-blown Skype at work so that we can video conference daily because a phone call or text or regular skype message just isn't going to be enough. And that on my two days here, they are going to bring their laptops and just set up shop in my office every minute that I'm here. And just generally that they are going to miss me, and while they love the person I am planning on promoting, she just isn't a replacement for me.

The person I am planning on promoting has been so complimentary, as well. We are more than employee and manager; we are friends. She told me that she was talking to her husband about how much she is going to miss me and that she isn't sure how she is going to get through the days without me. He told her that an employee should not feel like that about their boss; there is something wrong with how much she loves me. She told him that he doesn't understand - that I am so supportive and understanding, and that I am unlike any other boss she has ever had.

I got what was maybe the best compliment yesterday from a co-worker who has been promoted up the ranks with me (not in HR; in the area I support). She said that what made her most proud of my promotion is that I didn't change who I am to get ahead. I've always said that I knew my boss did not like me. I am just not her cup of tea. I am sarcastic, dress a little edgier than she'd like, and do not kiss ass, ever. I don't talk just to hear my own voice and I don't self-promote. I am who I am, and I do what I do. If you appreciate it, great. If not, and I'm not the one for this job, then give me a severance package and I will be on my way. So, all these years later, to have the boss who did not like me, did not "get" me, and probably wished she could replace me with someone else offer me a promotion, and I didn't have to change myself to get it...it's a big deal. And to have my co-worker recognize it and call it out was awesome.

It means so much to me to hear that the people whom I've supported for the past 13 years appreciate me...and even more so, that they appreciate me for ME, not just for my work. They value me. They know that I give my heart and soul to them. They know that I'm here to help.

Finally, I think my boss may be seeing it too (although, again, she has not called me back, but I'm not feeling crazy about it at all, not at all, not at all, not at all, not even a little bit). I am curious, and a little anxious, to see if I can build these relationships with two new offices and numerous new employees. But for today, I am am basking in the glory of my awesomeness.

More "Talking Things Through" With TJG

After posting into the ether yesterday about several of the things keeping me awake at night, I actually slept last night. I don't know if it's legit cause-and-effect, that I wrote it all out and then was freer in my mind and that helped me nod off. But maybe it was. So maybe this needs to be my Irrational Fear and Stupid Concerns Blog.

Things got clearer and muddier in my life last night. One thing, where I was worried about my kid and her two best friends (one boy and one girl) came to fruition. Those two do like each other. TJK is happily in the middle right now, helping the boy find a way to ask out the girl. She says, emphatically, that just because she is in a band with him, that does NOT mean that she likes him. They are just friends. Right now, she is happy for them and playing a bit of matchmaker. Now I worry that the two of them will seriously veer off and TJK will be left alone. But, I feel confident that she will make it out alive.

I am still waiting to hear back from my boss about The Big Job in The Big City. I am excited and nervous and I need her to tell me how much money I am going to be making. I have a big number in my head to match up with the big job, and I am hoping I am not disappointed.

Something I think I forgot to talk about yesterday is something that has been solidly on my mind for a couple of months now. TJK is a tiny chica. She is only 4'10, while most of her friends are closer to my height of 5'8. She feels so small, even with her big personality and big intelligence. She has been going for tests: lots of blood tests (like, A LOT), an MRI to make sure she didn't have a brain tumor, and appointments with specialists. Everything has come back clear - no medical issues, no tumors or cancers or health concerns. She is just small. So now we need to make a decision about growth hormones. They might get her another inch or two in height. She is projected to be about 5' in total without them...so now we are faced with deciding if it is worth it to have her take a daily injection so she can be two inches taller. And I don't know what the right answer is. I do feel like 5'2 is so much better than 5'. I mean, at 5 feet tall, you even have a greater chance of dying in a car crash because you are too short for the airbag to deploy properly! I think I was leaning against the hormones until the doctor said it was time to decide about the hormones and then suddenly, I was for them. And, TJK was all for them until I told her it was time to decide and now she is against them. We have a month to talk it over and come to a decision....but this is super stressful. You always want to do the right thing for your kid; you want her to be happy and well adjusted and to feel normal. I wish this was a black and white decision....I am sick of the grey.

And this Kavanaugh stuff. JFC. I don't understand why it's so hard to put together what happened in this situation. Dude was drunk AF the night this happened, and on other nights in high school and college too. He and his buddy were drinking, having fun, thinking they were gods because that's what everyone had always told them they were. They took a liking to Christine Blasey-Ford and hit on her. They thought they were having fun - thought SHE was having fun. They tried to have sex with her, not noticing that was not into it because A) they were drunk AF and B) they were not used to being told no so they didn't recognize it. In their minds, it was all fun and not very memorable for them. It was not memorable because A) they were drunk AF and B) there was nothing different about this night than any other night, and possibly C) they were blackout drunk AF and don't remember how it went down or that it went down at all. We all know men like this, and knew boys like this, and the fact that all of these other privileged white men can't see it shows me that they are men just like Kavanaugh and were boys like Kavanaugh. If they admit something might have happened...then maybe they stepped outside the bounds too and just haven't been called on it.

Random Questions in my Head That Are Making Me Not Sleep

Can you still consider yourself a generous person if you are very giving with people and "treat" all the time because you know you make more money than others, but yet you get pissed off when people are not appreciative? In particular, when you take your kid's friends out to expensive events, treat them to dinners, buy them the keepsakes that come along with the events...and the parents never even text you a "thanks"? Are you still generous if you are bitter about your giving?

Is it wrong to really want a promotion because it will pay you a lot more money but really not want it because you aren't sure you want more responsibility and work?

Should I feel bad that a co-worker, who sucks at actual work and has for years, is going to be laid off? What if she is lazy af and is kind of an asshole, but she smiles in your face and pretends that you are still good friends?

What car should I get? I'm looking at the Lexus RX350 or the Range Rover Evoque SE Premium. I really like the Range Rover the best but it is known for being unreliable, and everyone I know with a Lexus loves it. And what about the fact that what I really and truly in my heart want is the Porsche Panamera? Will I always resent the fact that I am not getting what I really want? And, if I'm taking the promotion with all the extra work and commitment, do I owe it to myself to at least check out the more expensive and more perfect car?

What do you do when your daughter has become best friends with a boy and a girl, and things then start getting teenager-y? Like, its the three of them all the time, and they get along great. And now, I think the boy and girl are starting to like each other, and then my kiddo is left out. How do I help her manage that?

What happens when you get to an age where you decide you will take no shit from anyone, and that people who are ignorant or annoying or careless will have no place in your life...and then realize you are maybe becoming intolerant of imperfection? Where do you draw the line between what is acceptable and what isn't? How do you know when you are cutting too many people out of your life, and how do you know if you are using good reasons to cut them out?

How do you remove yourself from solving everyone else's problems when you can't even solve your own? If you are overwhelmed with your own petty life decisions and issues, why do people even think you are capable of tackling their problems? And why do I think I'm capable of this?

Will I be able to get past the pit in my stomach every time I see a friend/family member/high school acquaintance post their support for Bret Kavanaugh? It's taking everything in me to not drive to Louisiana and beat the crap out of my cousins for things they have posted (but then I have never met them in person so why do I even care?). This whole Kavanaugh thing is making me insane and I feel like the world is on fire and that none of these other issues means anything because Trump and his collection of douchebros are going to kill us all anyway so why even bother getting up in the morning?
 

I've Even Impressed Myself

My boss has hated me for years. When I first started reporting to her, about 7 years ago, I was invited to a meeting at our 5th Ave office with the rest of the HR team. I wore a (respectable) leopard print dress (no, really, it was respectable and pretty and not at all strippery, I promise) with a black cardigan and black boots. It was edgy and again, totally work appropriate, but didn't fit in with the conservative nature of that office culture. During the meeting, again, my first in-person meeting with her, I made a (very funny) sarcastic comment. She doesn't have a great sense of humor so she took me seriously. Ugh. I did not make the best first impression, but I always felt like she knew who I was right up front (I was the broad who would wear animal print and throw sarcasm and own the shit out of it). For the next 7 or so years, I did not win her over, did not get her to like me, and did not care all that much. I'm good at my job, everyone in my location loves and admires me, and I won't be fake for anyone. So, hate me if you want, but this is who I am and I'm not going to change.

About 6 months ago, I worked on a project for my boss. Actually, a good number of us were doing the same project for each of our locations. I got mine done super fast and she was super impressed. I could see her looking at me differently. After I completed my project, I helped everyone else with theirs (not to impress her - just to help my co-workers). Again, she was impressed. She was seeing me in a different light. I also found over $1m that our landlord owed us and recouped the money. Again, impressed.

Suddenly, our conversations were different. It was no longer me talking and her barely listening. She started asking for my opinions. She sought me out for projects. She asked me about where I saw my career going. She heard what I had to say and advocated for my ideas. She started telling me more personal things about herself. I started calling her my bestie (no, not to her face. She isn't that kind of boss).

On Friday, she called me from her cell phone. Of course, I thought I was being fired because I just knew that once we became best friends, she would let me go. But no, that wasn't to be. Instead, she offered me a promotion. It's a pretty big promotion and a little scary to even consider. I don't know yet how much money is in it for me, but I know I'll be working in NYC three days a week (which entails me taking the bus - I know, I'm a weenie...but I really like driving my own car). It entails me working at 3 different locations throughout the week (two in NYC and my current NJ location). It entails me getting up much earlier and getting home much later, with my commute increasing from about 40 minutes a day to almost 3 hours a day (ugh).

But. My kid is almost 15 years old. She is  in high school. She hangs out with her friends after school all the time. Do I still NEED to be home at 5:30 for her? Isn't it time to maybe focus on making that cash and building my career further? Am I supposed to wait around for another 4 years till she goes off the college and hope for an opportunity like this again?

But. Do I want more responsibility? Do I want to start over with having to gain trust from a new group of people when my peeps are already there? Do I want to get home later and potentially lose some of the closeness TJK and I have built? (Honestly, I don't see that happening...I think I did a good job with this kid and she will support me and understand, and that we will find time for each other.)

Y'all. My boss, who hated me six months ago, created a senior position for me and wants me working directly with her. She told me I have impressed her, that I am a good manager of people, that I have a good head on my shoulders, that I'm good at building bonds with the execs I support. How could I not take advantage of this opportunity?

I'm movin' on up.

Ramblings About My Lack of Friendship Skills

I am not good at meeting new people. I am not good at small talk. I am not good at trusting people. I am not good at controlling my mouth when people say things I don't like. And I am not good at tolerating people I just don't like.

Last night, TJK had a gig with her awesome little punk band out in PA. People saw a cute girl with her bass guitar and kept coming up and talking to her and then to me (once I was like, uh, dude, she's 14, back the fuck off before I stab you in the dick). We both reacted in the same way to these strangers talking to us: we say hello, expect them to move on, they don't, we glaze over and want to disappear.

Do not be a male over the age of 16 talking to my baby girl.
You will die a slow and painful death at my hands.

I wish I was better at this stuff so I could teach her to be better at this stuff, especially if she is trying to build up her band. Luckily the lead singer is totally good at it (and so are his parents) so they take up the slack...but still.

Even those parents, though. The kids went on about 2 hours later than we thought they would, so the parents went down the street for a drink while the kids watched the rest of the bands. We have a lot in common with these parents: we are about the same age, have kids the same age who go to the same school and have been in the same class for the past two years, love to travel and have been all over Europe, love the same kind of music and love live shows. But in talking to them, they only want to talk about themselves. We have all been to Spain...but, have you been to this tiny town on the water where they drank this cider you could only get in that tiny town? Oh sure, yes, we have been to Italy too, but have you heard of this small village no one has ever heard of where the apples grow only one every 50 years and they were there to experience it? It was all this oneupmanship that I can't tolerate. Like, you tell a travel story, then we tell a travel story. Hubby mentions we have been to Russia. They reply, ooooh, that must have been fascinating, tell us all about it! And then when we start, she interrupts with "Oh that sounds like the time we went to that eastern bloc town about 40 miles outside of Prague...let me tell you all about that instead!"

And I just lose my patience. I stop talking because it's not a conversation, its a lecture. I am sure I purse my lips and roll my eyes and I am visually and completely done with the conversation. Not that they notice, because the lecture continues.

Maybe if I tried harder instead of shutting down, we could be good friends with them. But making friends is not my strength. I am not sure what my strength is, exactly, but niceness to strangers and people who annoy me is certainly not it.

Seattle Nerves

Pearl Jam has been my favorite band since 1992. As soon as I heard Eddie Vedder's beautiful, emotional voice, I was in love (with both him and PJ). I saw them live for the first time in 1992 and it quite literally changed my life and it changed who I was (I know that sounds melodramatic, but it's true). So this band means a lot to me. I've seen them many time since then, and every time it's a religious experience for me.This year, I'm taking TJK to Seattle to go see them and I am so excited about it.

Excited to see them play in their hometown, but also excited to go on a little adventure with just the two of us. The Home Shows, as they are being called, are apparently taking over Seattle. The shows' proceeds are being used to fight homelessness in Seattle, so there are a million companies partnering with PJ: Theo Chocolates came out with a Home Shows chocolate bar (I got 2; they are delicious), Heritage Distilling Company is making a Home Shows bourbon (I got a bottle, can't wait for it to get here so I can get white girl wasted on PJ bourbon), Georgetown Brewing is introducing a Home Shows Pale Ale (you can't get this by mail, so I'll be hunting this down once we get to Seattle), Starbucks has a PJ Spotify playlist that they are playing in all (all, not just Seattle) Starbucks stores, and so on and so on. So this isn't just a concert, it's a city-wide extravaganza. I am so happy to be a part of all of this and it feels totally bucket-list. I'm especially happy to be doing this with TJK.

TJK and I have a whole weekend of stuff planned (I actually think we have three weeks of Seattle planned for the two and a half days we will be there, but whatever). We will go to museums and PJ parties and the market and two concerts and and and and and. And, here's the thing: Hubby usually plans all of that stuff out. He is great at timing everything and figuring out how we will get from one place to the next and what time we need to leave X to get to Y so we can be at Z on time. Me? I'm best at researching where to go, what to see, what cool shit is off the beaten path that TJK will get to Snapchat and make her friends jealous.

So I'm a little nervous. We are staying at an Air BnB for the first time and I am so psyched about it - but nervous too, because it's something we have never done so I don't know how to do it and it's gonna be just me. We have timed tickets for three things in one day, but schedules are not my thing and there's no one to keep me on track. We have to get to and from the airports, lugging our bags and lifting them to the overhead compartment. I like to think I am too dainty for heavy lifting of that sort. We have to walk from the Air BnB to the concert, and back. I am nervous we will get lost, or harassed because we are two chicks by ourselves late at night.

With all that said, with all of my doubts and ridiculousness, I know this will be a big triumph. I travel alone when I go away on business and I am perfectly fine. Turns out I am not very dainty at all and can lift the shit out of a carry-on bag full of shoes. I have a good sense of direction and love wandering around alone when I have non-work time on those trips. It's just, I'm spoiled by Hubby taking care of all of this for me. He does so much for me that I take for granted, and the truth is that it is nice to prove to myself that I can do it alone. And, it'll be even better to be able to show TJK that WE can do it ourselves. Two badass bitches in the PNW, ready to do all the things. Sisters are doin' it for themselves.

I Will Return (Probably)

Here is the problem with trying to return to my blog. I have no idea what to write about. So apparently, I am going to write about not knowing what to write about.

I quit blogging for Twitter. And then I quit Twitter because it sucks. I have Facebook, but it's really just to post pics of my kid so distant family can see her, and to brag about my travels. I'm too old for Snapchat and mostly dgaf about Instagram. I miss having a place to just write, whether it's in-depth feelings about something or just quick hits of random thoughts. So it seems like going back to blogging might be a good solution for me.

But when it comes down to it, I don't know what to write anymore. I have so many opinions and a lot to say, but when I sit down to write, I can't find the topics. I mean, an obvious one for me is politics, since it occupies such a yuuuuge part of my brain, but at some point I need a mental break from the dumpster fire that our Cheeto Overlord hath wrought upon us. I don't feel like writing about his traitorous ass, honestly. Another topic is just life in general, because I have a lot to say about what's up with me. My life is good and my life is fun. That's what I should be able to talk about here. But I don't know who might someday re-find my blog and read something mean-ish that I've said about them. I don't want to hurt the people I care about. (If I don't care about you? Well, you are probably mostly fucked if I get back into this blogging thing.) Travel? Yeah, I guess I could talk about that. It's something I am passionate about and even on our shortest trips there are a million stories I could share. If you knew how many travel blogs I have started and then never posted a single entry...yeah, I just don't think I am cut out for writing all the details of my trips with hotel reviews and recommendations and all that. That's not for me.

Really, when it comes down to it, the truth is that no one reads this. No one. Not even me, mostly. So I can say whatever I want, I suppose. I would love a place where I can let loose the way I used to, where I can talk about how crazy I can be and rant and rave about stupid tv shows and recap drunken soirees and be silly.

I don't know. I think I am just going to set a goal to write something, anything, even something as meaningless and time-wastey as what I have just written, just to get that writing muscle going inside me again.

Here's to another attempt at blogging *prost*
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Some brainstormed topics for when I am stuck:

• Nerves about Seattle
• New bosses at work
• Drama between S & Y at work
• Beer escapades upstate
• Parents aging
• My shoe obsession
• Traveling with SIL
• TJK and Sweggy
• JV's dad's funeral
• Music I'm listening to

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So for real, I always love listing what songs I am into right this minute because it's fun to look back on it and determine which songs I loved so much that I played them so much that I got so sick of them that I wanted to die, and which songs I loved for a minute and then discarded, and which songs I loved and loved and loved and continued to love and will always love. Here is today's list...some new, some old, some really old:

• hell is where i dreamt of u and woke up alone (blackbear)
• Where's My Love? (SYML)
• My Crass Patch (Dads)
• Do You Know What I Love the Most? (Saves the Day)
• Silver Lining (Panic! at the Disco)
• Say Amen (Panic! at the Disco
• Over and Over and Over (Jack White)
• Take a Picture (Filter)
• Erotic City (Prince)
• Conspiracy (RSRC)
• Jumpsuit (21 Pilots)
• Nico & the Niners (21 Pilots)

You and Me, Punk Rock Girl

So my kid is now in a punk band.

A couple of months ago, TJK's friend from school asked her if she wanted to join his band and said he'd teach her to play bass. She has taken up guitar and drums in the past and it never stuck, so I was a little hesitant to go out and buy yet another instrument. But ya know, I still am waiting for my moment of punk rock fame and glory as a chick drummer in a punk band, so my hesitation was a matter of milliseconds. I pretty much immediately said yes to her joining the band.

They are a serious little band. They aren't just some kids jamming in the garage. They practice three times a week. They have two albums already and are on iTunes. And they play out at clubs and festivals, which is weird for a bunch of not-even-high-schoolers-yet. But for me at least, sitting in a dive bar on a Saturday night with a beer in my hand is better than sitting on a soccer field at 7am on a rainy Sunday morning. Punk rock mom is more my speed than soccer mom.

I am so proud of her for so many reasons related to this band. First off, it's all boys and her, and she holds her own. The lead singer, who invited her into the band in the first place, really runs the show and manages the rest of the kids. So TJK listens, and follows his lead since he is the leader, but she doesn't take any shit. She isn't intimidated and I love that.

Secondly, TJK is a little shy. With her friends, she is a maniac and has no shades of shy, but with strangers or new people, she retreats and gets anxious. She even has a hard time approaching a salesperson in a store to ask a question. But man, put this kid on stage and the shyness disappears. She is still working on her stage presence (since she is still learning the songs), but she hops up there and you'd never know shyness resides in her. It's similar to when she acts in her school plays: when she walks onto that stage you can't see a single iota of nerves. She brims with confidence. So I love seeing it translate to the musical stage, too.

Thirdly, the band is good. I mean, they are punk so nothing is complicated or deep, but you can tell they love being up there and love people singing along and bopping their heads to the music. I find myself singing the songs randomly throughout the day; they have some catchy little ditties. They write their own songs. They play all originals...this is no wedding band doing covers.

Lastly (although I could go on and on about the ways I am proud of this kid), there seems to be a little rift developing in the band between two of the boys (let's call them S, the lead singer, and L, the rhythm guitarist). TJK was asked to be in the band and I think L is having a hard time with becoming third fiddle. S is an amazing front man - he was made for this and he is captivating on stage. And then TJK is the one girl in a boys' band, so she gets attention for that. She is a beautiful girl and when she is up there rocking the bass and killing it, she commands attention. L is falling into the shadows, partially because the kid has zero personality and zero stage presence and zero style, but also because he is overshadowed by TJK and S. So it's caused some confrontations between the two boys. (The drummer is younger and does not get involved in anyone's drama at all. He gets on stage, he plays, he growls, he screams, and then he checks out. Good for him.) TJK has been able to sidestep the drama between the two boys and let S handle it because it's his band. I love that she is all business and isn't taking sides. For the most part anyway.

TJK isn't going to be a rock star, most likely. She will probably go on to be a scientist or doctor or lawyer or something else. But I am so happy for her, that she gets to have this amazing experience in her teen years. It is going to be an amazing memory for her (as long as she and S don't start dating and then he tries to pull a Thurston Moore to her Kim Gordon...I don't want her memories of the band to be her mom murdering a dude for messing with her). But for now, playing at clubs, hanging with the boys, making music...it is all just so, so good.

Blathering on about Shitty Friends Acting Shitty

I've mentioned here before about a friend of mine, a very dear friend, whose parenting style is the complete opposite of mine. Which, generally, who cares? But her parenting style keeps bumping up against mine in unexpected ways and I am so over it.

M has been a friend of TJK since kindergarten. They have been best friends at times, but have drifted apart over the past few years. M is running with a mean girls crowd, and TJK has no time for that. But they are still friendly and have several close friends in common.

The one example from the past that always sticks with me is when they went to art camp together. M's mom was going to drive them there each day and I would pick them up. After day 1, M decided she didn't want to go anymore. There was a homeless man at the park sitting on a bench, and it freaked her out. M's mom agreed that she would not go back. The impact of this was: 1) now my kid is at camp alone, after we signed them up together, 2) now I have to drive both ways to camp, which did not jive with my work schedule, and 3) M was taught that you can just bail out of whatever you want without thinking of anyone else. There have been multiple instances like this, where M just deserts her friends or an obligation because she feels like it. Another was at performing arts camp, where we signed the girls up for post-camp dance lessons because they ran till 6 and then M decided she didn't want to take the classes and TJK ended up there alone. For 3 weeks.

My parenting style is the opposite of this. And really, it's not just parenting style, its the core of who I am. If TJK had committed to camp (or anything) with a friend and I had committed to driving, I would never let either of us bail. It's a commitment and it impacts other people. At some point you need to learn that the world does not revolve around you, and when you are a kid is the time to learn. M is going to be in for a rude awakening when she goes out into the real world (if she ever does).

So what happened today to bring this up? Months and months ago, a mutual friend invited M and TJK to go see some Youtubers they love this coming weekend. M's mom and I made plans to take the kids to the venue and then hang out for drinks and then bring the kids home. This morning I get a text from M's mom saying that M had been invited to something else this weekend and she really wanted to go, so she was going to let M go to this other event instead of the one she committed to all those months ago. I can't comprehend how this is ok. M already committed to going to to event. You already committed to driving with me and then having a girls night. What are you teaching your kid? How are you treating your friend? Everything is disposable; everything is replaceable when something better comes along.

I worry about M, and that she is never going to be able to stick with anything, or get through anything rough because she hasn't had to muddle through anything unpleasant, or deal with anything that isn't exactly what she wants to do at that moment. And, I worry about my friendship with M's mom because honestly, I can't take this kind of spoiling your kid at the expense of everyone around you. And she hasn't given me a second thought either. Just like with the camps where her actions meant more work for me, she hasn't considered that her decisions will impact me. Is it just that she spoils her kid so much that she can't see outside it? Or is it that, just like M, she doesn't consider anyone else when she makes decisions?

I am really angry right now, which for this moment means ignoring her text so I don't explode on her. I know if I open my brain onto her about how I am feeling right now, it will probably end our friendship. Meanness is coursing through my veins and I want to tell her how her actions impact others and how they are setting up her kid for a lifetime of unhappiness. And I know that won't go over too well, at all.

WWMD? (What Would Mama Do?)

It's hard to describe how difficult it is to parent a teenage girl.

I know I was one, and I know I was a particularly difficult one. And for that, mom, I'm sorry.

My girl isn't difficult (yet) in the way I was. She is not rebellious, she is not a rule-breaker or even a rule-tester, and she talks to me and her dad all the time in great detail. Whereas my parents knew nothing about what was going on in my life or mind, TJK shares everything with us. And that's where my difficulty comes in.

TJK tells me when her feelings get hurt by her friends. The other day, she was with four friends at the fireworks in town.  One friend took off as soon as they got there, and then there were 4. Two of the girls were kind of huddled together talking, not including the other two. TJK was one of the ones who was left out (although she was "left out" with one of the other girls, who she was talking to the whole time, so...). She called me, right from the fireworks, because her feelings were hurt. She needed advice so she wanted to talk to me.

Now this is fantastic in so many ways. TJK tends to be shy and doesn't like to start trouble (again, the opposite of me). So in this case, I told her to talk to the other girls and either a) confront them about why they weren't talking to anyone else or b) just start talking to them and make conversation...basically, just include yourself if they weren't going to include you. Or, the third option: just hang out with Girl 4 and have a great time laughing and talking so you aren't missing out on anything - you are creating your own fun. She actually chose option A - I was so proud - and did it in her own, nicer and kinder way. And it worked for her.

So why is this difficult? It all worked out in the end, right? Well, do most kids call their moms from the fireworks, with a group of their friends around, to ask advice and vent? What do her friends think? And why can't she channel me in her mind instead of calling? I mean, she knows what advice I am going to give (be bold, ask questions, confront bad behavior in whatever form, be strong). Am I raising her to be too dependent on me?

When she was little and would have little girl problems, I would tell her there was nothing I couldn't figure out a way to fix. She would tell me her issues and we would talk them through and find solutions. It's what I do best. It's why I'm good at my job and why I'm (mostly) good at life. I think I thought showing her strength and showing her how I came to solutions would help her do the same. But I'm afraid it's just made her dependent on me to solve her problems.

So, what do you do with that when you are talking about a teenage girl? A girl who has a great group of girlfriends, but who is heading into the unknown world of high school? A girl who is spending more and more time with the cute boy in her class? A girl who is now in a punk band that plays in bars and who could easily be put in compromising situations with drinking and drugs and sex? A girl who will get her driver's permit in a year and a half?

Part of me says I have to let her start figuring out her own problems. And the other part says, some of these problems are big and could have life-altering consequences and the fact that she comes to me is a huge plus. I know that the kid she is now would call me if her driver was drinking. I know that the kid she is now would tell me when she finally kisses the cute boy in her class. I know that the kid she is now would share it with me if she was offered drugs or if a boy got "fresh" with her. So is now really the time to cut that cord?

As I'm writing, the solution has perhaps become clearer (which is why I love to write - it clears my head). I need to use these little problems as tests. When she is at the fireworks and two friends make her feel sad, I need to ask her what she thinks she should do. I need to not give her the answers, but help her learn my process for finding solutions. I need to help her find which avenue she should take instead of driving her there myself.

I need to buy her a WWMD bracelet so I'm always in her head when she's making decisions.

Dear Diary (and Current Playlist)

(I think its more of a diary than a blog if the only person who reads it is the author, yeah?)

In exactly 10 days, almost to the minute, we leave for New Orleans! It is one of my favorite places on the planet and it's funny: we were last there in 2007, about 18 months after Katrina. We didn't go back for 10 years. Then, we went in June 2017 and are going again in March 2018! Last year, it was just the hubby and I. I had a business trip, and he joined me, and it was glorious. This time, it'll be a group of 7 of us (the way we used to travel to NO) and it shall be glorious as well.

Ten years ago, we spent most of our time on Bourbon and Decatur Streets in the French Quarter. Cheap booze and debauchery were all the rage and we lived every second to its fullest. The 2017 version of us had us spend a little time in the Quarter, hitting our favorite classic spots (like Lafitte's for voodoo daiquiris and Tropical Isle for Hand Grenades). The rest of the time, we head out to the neighborhoods to see what else the city had to offer (still focused on the booze, of course). It felt like a classier way to get drunk and be crazy: a whirlwind of craft breweries, fancy cocktail bars, tiki lounges, and wine laboratories. To me, this was perfection. My husband and me, flitting around the city, trying every drink and every yummy morsel we were offered. Chilling. Relaxing. Chatting with locals and tourists alike. Literally slowing down, sitting and having a drink, enjoying the hum of the city.

I am curious to see how this trip will go down. This may come off snobby but it's a fact: we have more money than some of our friends, and/or we are more willing to spend money than some of our friends. So we will sit in a fancy cocktail joint and drink scotch for hours; some of them can't or won't. We can work with that. We can be flexible. But at the same time, I don't want to drink piss beer on Bourbon all week, or shy away from the awesome things we experienced the last time around because some folks can't hang. So it is going to be interesting to see how compromise works with 7 bull-headed friends. I'm hoping for the best.
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On another weird note, we hung out with Patsy and Diddy (and Diddy's cousin) this weekend and it came up in discussion that I am meaner than Patsy. She is louder than I am...but she is all bark with no bite and I am the bite that follows the bark. I don't know how I feel about this. I mean, I don't mind that people know that my bark is not hollow and it will be followed by a generous and painful bite. But I guess I thought I was nicer than Patsy. Maybe our definitions of "nice" are different. I am definitely more thoughtful and conscientious of other people's feelings...but I guess I am the type where if you do cross me, there is hell to pay and perhaps with her, there is something slightly less than hell? I don't know, it just struck me as strange.
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And I am going to add in my current playlist, because I am so digging a few songs right now and I want to remember them when I move to something else:

1. Where's My Love (SYML) <---- OBSESSED with this song, so obsessed.
2. Dear Love of Mine (Daniel Spaleniak)
3. Do You Still Love Me? (Ryan Adams)
4. Don't Hurt Yourself (Beyonce with Jack White)
5. hell is where i dreamt of you and woke up alone (blackbear)
6. Yellow Flicker Beat (Lorde)
7. Quiet Lies (Matthew Mayfield)
8. I Am Mine (Pearl Jam)
9. Your Ghost (Kristin Hersch)
10. Cranes in the Sky (Solange)