Monday, October 10, 2005

Dear Lord, Did That Wedding Suck Or What?

Where shall I begin in order to tell you just how much the wedding sucked yesterday? I guess we could start with the fact that it took an hour and a half to get there in the pouring rain. That sucked. And the rain was fierce - it has been downpouring for 2 straight days here. Hub was driving 85 MPH the whole way because we were running late because one of us (him) misplaced the directions. So 85 in the rain was a bit frightening.

And, oh yes, if we are talking about rain, let's get right to the part that really sucked. The wedding was outside, in a tent. They obviously didn't put up the tent till the morning of the wedding, because the ground was straight up mud. So the chairs sank into the mud when you sat down, my heels were entrenched, the bride's dress was brown after about 15 minutes. And you may ask how they tried to combat the problem of the mud. Well, I'll tell you. With hay. Yes people, apparently there is a place in Jersey that is so far north and west that its almost NY State or Pennsylvania, and they have hay there. So each time I would get up, I would have hay stuck to the mud that was stuck to my shoes.

Here's Hub, sitting at our table in the mud:


Another thing that sucked? The restroom situation. Because, you see, there were no rest rooms - there were portapotties. And as if that was not sucky enough on its own, you had to leave the tent in the pouring rain, walk up a muddy hill while balancing with your umbrella, over a slippery little bridge-type-thing, and then stand on line to pee in a portapotty.

One more thing that sucked was that Hub, the brilliant man that he is, gave the waitress $20 right at the beginning and told her to stick close to us. So at first she was bringing us beer like it was going out of style. And then, she disappeared. So we (well, not we, more like Patsy's man Diddy) had to walk across the mud to the bar and get us drinks. And lets talk briefly about the drinks. Now, I am no classy broad or anything, but at a wedding sometimes you like to have a mixed drink or ten instead of just beer. Not an option. All they had was beer - and my brand was in cans. I much prefer bottles.

Here's a bridesmaid, who prepared for the wedding:



And due to the rain, the DJ (who sucked big time) left about halfway through so there was no more dancing and no one to lead the bouquet toss or anything. Not that you could dance anyway because the dance floor was soaked and muddy and slippery. Some freaks danced, but I was just hoping they would fall so I could laugh at them more than I already was. The only thing the dance floor was good for was at the end of the wedding, when the water was getting deep. We fled to the dance floor like N'Awlins refugees looking for higher ground. And oh yeah, the photographer also left before the wedding was over, so there are no photos of anything after they cut the cake.

And it was so incredibly cold out, and we were right by the "door" to the tent. Me and Patsy did what we had to do to keep warm: drink beer and warm our hands with votive candles:



Some clog-wearing freak in the mud.


Oh, and how about the bugs? At one point, a humungous tarantula-like spider crawled up out of the mud and onto our table and started eating our food. Then, at the table next to us this woman starts freaking out and leaves her table. Turns out the worms wanted some of her food too and started coming out of the mud and crawling around. (Patsy has a good pic of the worms. Ick.)

I have never been to a more hillbilly-ho-down wedding than this one. If it wasn't for the free alcohol, it would have been a total waste. I am going to kill Diddy for talking us into giving an extra $100 beyond what we were going to give for this horrendous shindig.

38 comments:

Edd said...

TJG,

It sounds like to me you had a genuinely dampened and darn “elaborate” Dantesque nightmare…

DaFFy said...

At least you and Patsy are going to be able to have a good laugh over this in the future :)
It looked dreadful, but pretty funny all the same.
Fancy the photographer leaving before the cake?
OMG. Too funny and a little sad as well.

http://gossipmonger.info

Wirthy said...

I don't want to sound negative, but could there have been more signs that maybe this wedding wasn't meant to be.

TrueJerseyGirl said...

And I don't know how I could have forgotten to mention this, but the truth is that this marriage should never have happened. Wirthy is right. I set the groom up with my friend a while back and he so should have married her. At least I would not have allowed a wedding like this to occur.

Patsy Darling said...

All I did all day and night in work was talk about this horrendous wedding. Everyone was horrified. I love the part about the hay. I tried to clean my shoes, they are so done.

Danielle said...

What an absolute nightmare! At least you had Patsy and hub who you could suffer through it with, and hopefully have some laughs with!

Bev - Living In Hormoney said...

Yeeeeeeeeeehaaaaawwwwwwwww!

Mitey Mite said...

Hey, I just remembered something: wasn't this the wedding at the winery? And they served beer?

Janet said...

I totally would've been gone after the spider...EEK!!!

And was she a freak cause she was wearing clogs, or she was just a freak IN clogs?

HighMaintenanceHussy said...

Wow...all I can say is that I hope the marriage goes more smoothly than the wedding.

The freak in clogs...she wasn´t Dutch, was she? hehe

yellojkt said...

Somethings sound way more romantic than they really are and an outdoor wedding sounds like on of them.

Dawn said...

wow - sounds uh. .fun.

Guppyman said...

Sounds like fun actually... I probably would have dug it...

Of course, I insisted when I got married that we had to be barefoot...

AND BTW- your blog is fine for me now... There were some major Internet companies fighting about access last week that were giving me problems.

Master Foley said...

man I cant believe the professionals that where hired just left ...that is messed up


Master Foley
http://masterfoley.com

jlybn123 said...

Not that my wedding was a fantastic shindig, but I would have been a little embarrassed over all of this! I know that you can't predict the weather, but come on! LOL

Kathleen said...

Anyone who plans an outdoor wedding for the second weekend in October north of the Mason-Dixon line deserves what they get. Their guests, on the other hand, do not. I mean, really? The bridesmaid was wearing red rubber boots!! Nothing said classy more than that!

Scully said...

Oh, I think you've won, hands down, the award for having to attend the suckiest wedding ever.

When will people learn? You need contingency plans for the weather.

The weather had been forecasting the rain on the east coast for several days. They could have come up with something else.

And I've been told that tent weddings usually have a floor put down not just the grass and hay.

Oh, how awful!

If I was the bride, I'd be demanding a refund from the dj and the photographer.

I at least got to stay warm and dry although I worked on the weekend.

Finn said...

Well, at least it wasn't your wedding. And you did get something to blog about.

And, of course, there was the beer. The free beer.

Peanutt said...

I hope you got a good drunk at this one!!!!

InterstellarLass said...

That just sounds awful! I can't believe they didn't have a back-up plan. Was it out in the middle of nowhere? Jeez. I would have cried if I was that bride.

Elle said...

Call me old fashioned, but I can't stand outdoor weddings. Tents are for camping.How can anyone ever depend on the weather? I want to drink and dance indoors. You are way too nice. I would have left immediately.

Bridget Unnel said...

OMG -- wedding from hell!!! How can you not have a Plan B lined up for an October wedding outside? Wait -- who would plan an October wedding OUTSIDE???

deputyswife said...

I am sorry, but that has to be the WORST wedding story I have ever heard! I am assuming they didn't have a back up plan for rain. Schmucks...

That is worse than the time I saw a bride puke and pass out in her own vomit at her reception.

mrsmogul said...

I love the bridesmaid outfit! She may have started a new trend. Oh and tell me how much it sucked again :)

Jean-Luc Picard said...

What an awful wedding that was! That must stand out as the one to forget, but never will.

Arethusa said...

It is kinda weird that, no matter the season, they didn't have a Plan B for an outside wedding, in case of rainy weather.

Ya know they've been trying to bring back clogs for about 3-4 seasons now. Fight it, freak clog wearer, fight this eeeeviiiiil!

Natsthename said...

Oh...MY...GOD! I'm trying not to laugh here, but you're going to laugh about it someday. Really.

BWAAAHAHHAHAAAH!! TOo funny.

Thank God for the free booze, TJG!

Tuesday Girl said...

I had a wedding very simlilar to that! Scary.

Better Safe Than Sorry said...

just when you think how much worse can it get...
this should be a farrelly brothers movie, not real life.

mg said...

ok... so what you are saying here, is that the wedding sucked?

... don't hold back.

mg

;)

madman said...

DAMN--that is a hell of a list-Other than the booze--was there anything outstandly good about this muddy event?

Brookelina said...

So, did it suck?

LOL

Mike said...

We refuse to go to weddings. Everyone we have attended has ended in divorce. We use that as an excuse. We also tell them if we get them a gift, it doubles their allimony! ;-)

Camy Leon said...

Isn't rain a bad sign for a marriage?? Yeah, the weather has been frightening lately.

That looked like a very sucky event. You looked very pretty from the little I can see of you. You should've posted more pics of yourself.

When you mentoned the porta-potties, I was reminded of that pic of you kicking the Porta-potty. LOL! That's funny.
I like weddings, but this one I would've skipped due to the weather.

Milt Bogs said...

Brilliant. I thought wedding receptions like that only happened in Bogsville. Have to say the bridesmaid in the pink wellies is my favorite.

Indigo said...

After I saw the tent and the mud and the portapotty, I would have said, "are you freakin' kiddin' me?" and turned around and gone home. Or the nearest 5 star restaurant.

annie said...

It looks from the tables and the flowers and the tent it was SUPPOSED to be nice. Porta-potties? for ladies in long dresses? NO-NO! and the mud, my God! What idiot planned this thing?
You should have stuck a bottle of liquor in your purse, but at least you got to drink something.

aka_monty said...

Port-o-potties should be outlawed everywhere except construction sites.
Now, are you quite positive that you didn't take a wrong turn and end up here at an Okieland wedding??? ;)