Dear Lord, Did That Wedding Suck Or What?

Where shall I begin in order to tell you just how much the wedding sucked yesterday? I guess we could start with the fact that it took an hour and a half to get there in the pouring rain. That sucked. And the rain was fierce - it has been downpouring for 2 straight days here. Hub was driving 85 MPH the whole way because we were running late because one of us (him) misplaced the directions. So 85 in the rain was a bit frightening.

And, oh yes, if we are talking about rain, let's get right to the part that really sucked. The wedding was outside, in a tent. They obviously didn't put up the tent till the morning of the wedding, because the ground was straight up mud. So the chairs sank into the mud when you sat down, my heels were entrenched, the bride's dress was brown after about 15 minutes. And you may ask how they tried to combat the problem of the mud. Well, I'll tell you. With hay. Yes people, apparently there is a place in Jersey that is so far north and west that its almost NY State or Pennsylvania, and they have hay there. So each time I would get up, I would have hay stuck to the mud that was stuck to my shoes.

Here's Hub, sitting at our table in the mud:


Another thing that sucked? The restroom situation. Because, you see, there were no rest rooms - there were portapotties. And as if that was not sucky enough on its own, you had to leave the tent in the pouring rain, walk up a muddy hill while balancing with your umbrella, over a slippery little bridge-type-thing, and then stand on line to pee in a portapotty.

One more thing that sucked was that Hub, the brilliant man that he is, gave the waitress $20 right at the beginning and told her to stick close to us. So at first she was bringing us beer like it was going out of style. And then, she disappeared. So we (well, not we, more like Patsy's man Diddy) had to walk across the mud to the bar and get us drinks. And lets talk briefly about the drinks. Now, I am no classy broad or anything, but at a wedding sometimes you like to have a mixed drink or ten instead of just beer. Not an option. All they had was beer - and my brand was in cans. I much prefer bottles.

Here's a bridesmaid, who prepared for the wedding:



And due to the rain, the DJ (who sucked big time) left about halfway through so there was no more dancing and no one to lead the bouquet toss or anything. Not that you could dance anyway because the dance floor was soaked and muddy and slippery. Some freaks danced, but I was just hoping they would fall so I could laugh at them more than I already was. The only thing the dance floor was good for was at the end of the wedding, when the water was getting deep. We fled to the dance floor like N'Awlins refugees looking for higher ground. And oh yeah, the photographer also left before the wedding was over, so there are no photos of anything after they cut the cake.

And it was so incredibly cold out, and we were right by the "door" to the tent. Me and Patsy did what we had to do to keep warm: drink beer and warm our hands with votive candles:



Some clog-wearing freak in the mud.


Oh, and how about the bugs? At one point, a humungous tarantula-like spider crawled up out of the mud and onto our table and started eating our food. Then, at the table next to us this woman starts freaking out and leaves her table. Turns out the worms wanted some of her food too and started coming out of the mud and crawling around. (Patsy has a good pic of the worms. Ick.)

I have never been to a more hillbilly-ho-down wedding than this one. If it wasn't for the free alcohol, it would have been a total waste. I am going to kill Diddy for talking us into giving an extra $100 beyond what we were going to give for this horrendous shindig.