Random Questions in my Head That Are Making Me Not Sleep

Can you still consider yourself a generous person if you are very giving with people and "treat" all the time because you know you make more money than others, but yet you get pissed off when people are not appreciative? In particular, when you take your kid's friends out to expensive events, treat them to dinners, buy them the keepsakes that come along with the events...and the parents never even text you a "thanks"? Are you still generous if you are bitter about your giving?

Is it wrong to really want a promotion because it will pay you a lot more money but really not want it because you aren't sure you want more responsibility and work?

Should I feel bad that a co-worker, who sucks at actual work and has for years, is going to be laid off? What if she is lazy af and is kind of an asshole, but she smiles in your face and pretends that you are still good friends?

What car should I get? I'm looking at the Lexus RX350 or the Range Rover Evoque SE Premium. I really like the Range Rover the best but it is known for being unreliable, and everyone I know with a Lexus loves it. And what about the fact that what I really and truly in my heart want is the Porsche Panamera? Will I always resent the fact that I am not getting what I really want? And, if I'm taking the promotion with all the extra work and commitment, do I owe it to myself to at least check out the more expensive and more perfect car?

What do you do when your daughter has become best friends with a boy and a girl, and things then start getting teenager-y? Like, its the three of them all the time, and they get along great. And now, I think the boy and girl are starting to like each other, and then my kiddo is left out. How do I help her manage that?

What happens when you get to an age where you decide you will take no shit from anyone, and that people who are ignorant or annoying or careless will have no place in your life...and then realize you are maybe becoming intolerant of imperfection? Where do you draw the line between what is acceptable and what isn't? How do you know when you are cutting too many people out of your life, and how do you know if you are using good reasons to cut them out?

How do you remove yourself from solving everyone else's problems when you can't even solve your own? If you are overwhelmed with your own petty life decisions and issues, why do people even think you are capable of tackling their problems? And why do I think I'm capable of this?

Will I be able to get past the pit in my stomach every time I see a friend/family member/high school acquaintance post their support for Bret Kavanaugh? It's taking everything in me to not drive to Louisiana and beat the crap out of my cousins for things they have posted (but then I have never met them in person so why do I even care?). This whole Kavanaugh thing is making me insane and I feel like the world is on fire and that none of these other issues means anything because Trump and his collection of douchebros are going to kill us all anyway so why even bother getting up in the morning?
 

I've Even Impressed Myself

My boss has hated me for years. When I first started reporting to her, about 7 years ago, I was invited to a meeting at our 5th Ave office with the rest of the HR team. I wore a (respectable) leopard print dress (no, really, it was respectable and pretty and not at all strippery, I promise) with a black cardigan and black boots. It was edgy and again, totally work appropriate, but didn't fit in with the conservative nature of that office culture. During the meeting, again, my first in-person meeting with her, I made a (very funny) sarcastic comment. She doesn't have a great sense of humor so she took me seriously. Ugh. I did not make the best first impression, but I always felt like she knew who I was right up front (I was the broad who would wear animal print and throw sarcasm and own the shit out of it). For the next 7 or so years, I did not win her over, did not get her to like me, and did not care all that much. I'm good at my job, everyone in my location loves and admires me, and I won't be fake for anyone. So, hate me if you want, but this is who I am and I'm not going to change.

About 6 months ago, I worked on a project for my boss. Actually, a good number of us were doing the same project for each of our locations. I got mine done super fast and she was super impressed. I could see her looking at me differently. After I completed my project, I helped everyone else with theirs (not to impress her - just to help my co-workers). Again, she was impressed. She was seeing me in a different light. I also found over $1m that our landlord owed us and recouped the money. Again, impressed.

Suddenly, our conversations were different. It was no longer me talking and her barely listening. She started asking for my opinions. She sought me out for projects. She asked me about where I saw my career going. She heard what I had to say and advocated for my ideas. She started telling me more personal things about herself. I started calling her my bestie (no, not to her face. She isn't that kind of boss).

On Friday, she called me from her cell phone. Of course, I thought I was being fired because I just knew that once we became best friends, she would let me go. But no, that wasn't to be. Instead, she offered me a promotion. It's a pretty big promotion and a little scary to even consider. I don't know yet how much money is in it for me, but I know I'll be working in NYC three days a week (which entails me taking the bus - I know, I'm a weenie...but I really like driving my own car). It entails me working at 3 different locations throughout the week (two in NYC and my current NJ location). It entails me getting up much earlier and getting home much later, with my commute increasing from about 40 minutes a day to almost 3 hours a day (ugh).

But. My kid is almost 15 years old. She is  in high school. She hangs out with her friends after school all the time. Do I still NEED to be home at 5:30 for her? Isn't it time to maybe focus on making that cash and building my career further? Am I supposed to wait around for another 4 years till she goes off the college and hope for an opportunity like this again?

But. Do I want more responsibility? Do I want to start over with having to gain trust from a new group of people when my peeps are already there? Do I want to get home later and potentially lose some of the closeness TJK and I have built? (Honestly, I don't see that happening...I think I did a good job with this kid and she will support me and understand, and that we will find time for each other.)

Y'all. My boss, who hated me six months ago, created a senior position for me and wants me working directly with her. She told me I have impressed her, that I am a good manager of people, that I have a good head on my shoulders, that I'm good at building bonds with the execs I support. How could I not take advantage of this opportunity?

I'm movin' on up.

Ramblings About My Lack of Friendship Skills

I am not good at meeting new people. I am not good at small talk. I am not good at trusting people. I am not good at controlling my mouth when people say things I don't like. And I am not good at tolerating people I just don't like.

Last night, TJK had a gig with her awesome little punk band out in PA. People saw a cute girl with her bass guitar and kept coming up and talking to her and then to me (once I was like, uh, dude, she's 14, back the fuck off before I stab you in the dick). We both reacted in the same way to these strangers talking to us: we say hello, expect them to move on, they don't, we glaze over and want to disappear.

Do not be a male over the age of 16 talking to my baby girl.
You will die a slow and painful death at my hands.

I wish I was better at this stuff so I could teach her to be better at this stuff, especially if she is trying to build up her band. Luckily the lead singer is totally good at it (and so are his parents) so they take up the slack...but still.

Even those parents, though. The kids went on about 2 hours later than we thought they would, so the parents went down the street for a drink while the kids watched the rest of the bands. We have a lot in common with these parents: we are about the same age, have kids the same age who go to the same school and have been in the same class for the past two years, love to travel and have been all over Europe, love the same kind of music and love live shows. But in talking to them, they only want to talk about themselves. We have all been to Spain...but, have you been to this tiny town on the water where they drank this cider you could only get in that tiny town? Oh sure, yes, we have been to Italy too, but have you heard of this small village no one has ever heard of where the apples grow only one every 50 years and they were there to experience it? It was all this oneupmanship that I can't tolerate. Like, you tell a travel story, then we tell a travel story. Hubby mentions we have been to Russia. They reply, ooooh, that must have been fascinating, tell us all about it! And then when we start, she interrupts with "Oh that sounds like the time we went to that eastern bloc town about 40 miles outside of Prague...let me tell you all about that instead!"

And I just lose my patience. I stop talking because it's not a conversation, its a lecture. I am sure I purse my lips and roll my eyes and I am visually and completely done with the conversation. Not that they notice, because the lecture continues.

Maybe if I tried harder instead of shutting down, we could be good friends with them. But making friends is not my strength. I am not sure what my strength is, exactly, but niceness to strangers and people who annoy me is certainly not it.

Seattle Nerves

Pearl Jam has been my favorite band since 1992. As soon as I heard Eddie Vedder's beautiful, emotional voice, I was in love (with both him and PJ). I saw them live for the first time in 1992 and it quite literally changed my life and it changed who I was (I know that sounds melodramatic, but it's true). So this band means a lot to me. I've seen them many time since then, and every time it's a religious experience for me.This year, I'm taking TJK to Seattle to go see them and I am so excited about it.

Excited to see them play in their hometown, but also excited to go on a little adventure with just the two of us. The Home Shows, as they are being called, are apparently taking over Seattle. The shows' proceeds are being used to fight homelessness in Seattle, so there are a million companies partnering with PJ: Theo Chocolates came out with a Home Shows chocolate bar (I got 2; they are delicious), Heritage Distilling Company is making a Home Shows bourbon (I got a bottle, can't wait for it to get here so I can get white girl wasted on PJ bourbon), Georgetown Brewing is introducing a Home Shows Pale Ale (you can't get this by mail, so I'll be hunting this down once we get to Seattle), Starbucks has a PJ Spotify playlist that they are playing in all (all, not just Seattle) Starbucks stores, and so on and so on. So this isn't just a concert, it's a city-wide extravaganza. I am so happy to be a part of all of this and it feels totally bucket-list. I'm especially happy to be doing this with TJK.

TJK and I have a whole weekend of stuff planned (I actually think we have three weeks of Seattle planned for the two and a half days we will be there, but whatever). We will go to museums and PJ parties and the market and two concerts and and and and and. And, here's the thing: Hubby usually plans all of that stuff out. He is great at timing everything and figuring out how we will get from one place to the next and what time we need to leave X to get to Y so we can be at Z on time. Me? I'm best at researching where to go, what to see, what cool shit is off the beaten path that TJK will get to Snapchat and make her friends jealous.

So I'm a little nervous. We are staying at an Air BnB for the first time and I am so psyched about it - but nervous too, because it's something we have never done so I don't know how to do it and it's gonna be just me. We have timed tickets for three things in one day, but schedules are not my thing and there's no one to keep me on track. We have to get to and from the airports, lugging our bags and lifting them to the overhead compartment. I like to think I am too dainty for heavy lifting of that sort. We have to walk from the Air BnB to the concert, and back. I am nervous we will get lost, or harassed because we are two chicks by ourselves late at night.

With all that said, with all of my doubts and ridiculousness, I know this will be a big triumph. I travel alone when I go away on business and I am perfectly fine. Turns out I am not very dainty at all and can lift the shit out of a carry-on bag full of shoes. I have a good sense of direction and love wandering around alone when I have non-work time on those trips. It's just, I'm spoiled by Hubby taking care of all of this for me. He does so much for me that I take for granted, and the truth is that it is nice to prove to myself that I can do it alone. And, it'll be even better to be able to show TJK that WE can do it ourselves. Two badass bitches in the PNW, ready to do all the things. Sisters are doin' it for themselves.

I Will Return (Probably)

Here is the problem with trying to return to my blog. I have no idea what to write about. So apparently, I am going to write about not knowing what to write about.

I quit blogging for Twitter. And then I quit Twitter because it sucks. I have Facebook, but it's really just to post pics of my kid so distant family can see her, and to brag about my travels. I'm too old for Snapchat and mostly dgaf about Instagram. I miss having a place to just write, whether it's in-depth feelings about something or just quick hits of random thoughts. So it seems like going back to blogging might be a good solution for me.

But when it comes down to it, I don't know what to write anymore. I have so many opinions and a lot to say, but when I sit down to write, I can't find the topics. I mean, an obvious one for me is politics, since it occupies such a yuuuuge part of my brain, but at some point I need a mental break from the dumpster fire that our Cheeto Overlord hath wrought upon us. I don't feel like writing about his traitorous ass, honestly. Another topic is just life in general, because I have a lot to say about what's up with me. My life is good and my life is fun. That's what I should be able to talk about here. But I don't know who might someday re-find my blog and read something mean-ish that I've said about them. I don't want to hurt the people I care about. (If I don't care about you? Well, you are probably mostly fucked if I get back into this blogging thing.) Travel? Yeah, I guess I could talk about that. It's something I am passionate about and even on our shortest trips there are a million stories I could share. If you knew how many travel blogs I have started and then never posted a single entry...yeah, I just don't think I am cut out for writing all the details of my trips with hotel reviews and recommendations and all that. That's not for me.

Really, when it comes down to it, the truth is that no one reads this. No one. Not even me, mostly. So I can say whatever I want, I suppose. I would love a place where I can let loose the way I used to, where I can talk about how crazy I can be and rant and rave about stupid tv shows and recap drunken soirees and be silly.

I don't know. I think I am just going to set a goal to write something, anything, even something as meaningless and time-wastey as what I have just written, just to get that writing muscle going inside me again.

Here's to another attempt at blogging *prost*
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Some brainstormed topics for when I am stuck:

• Nerves about Seattle
• New bosses at work
• Drama between S & Y at work
• Beer escapades upstate
• Parents aging
• My shoe obsession
• Traveling with SIL
• TJK and Sweggy
• JV's dad's funeral
• Music I'm listening to

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So for real, I always love listing what songs I am into right this minute because it's fun to look back on it and determine which songs I loved so much that I played them so much that I got so sick of them that I wanted to die, and which songs I loved for a minute and then discarded, and which songs I loved and loved and loved and continued to love and will always love. Here is today's list...some new, some old, some really old:

• hell is where i dreamt of u and woke up alone (blackbear)
• Where's My Love? (SYML)
• My Crass Patch (Dads)
• Do You Know What I Love the Most? (Saves the Day)
• Silver Lining (Panic! at the Disco)
• Say Amen (Panic! at the Disco
• Over and Over and Over (Jack White)
• Take a Picture (Filter)
• Erotic City (Prince)
• Conspiracy (RSRC)
• Jumpsuit (21 Pilots)
• Nico & the Niners (21 Pilots)

You and Me, Punk Rock Girl

So my kid is now in a punk band.

A couple of months ago, TJK's friend from school asked her if she wanted to join his band and said he'd teach her to play bass. She has taken up guitar and drums in the past and it never stuck, so I was a little hesitant to go out and buy yet another instrument. But ya know, I still am waiting for my moment of punk rock fame and glory as a chick drummer in a punk band, so my hesitation was a matter of milliseconds. I pretty much immediately said yes to her joining the band.

They are a serious little band. They aren't just some kids jamming in the garage. They practice three times a week. They have two albums already and are on iTunes. And they play out at clubs and festivals, which is weird for a bunch of not-even-high-schoolers-yet. But for me at least, sitting in a dive bar on a Saturday night with a beer in my hand is better than sitting on a soccer field at 7am on a rainy Sunday morning. Punk rock mom is more my speed than soccer mom.

I am so proud of her for so many reasons related to this band. First off, it's all boys and her, and she holds her own. The lead singer, who invited her into the band in the first place, really runs the show and manages the rest of the kids. So TJK listens, and follows his lead since he is the leader, but she doesn't take any shit. She isn't intimidated and I love that.

Secondly, TJK is a little shy. With her friends, she is a maniac and has no shades of shy, but with strangers or new people, she retreats and gets anxious. She even has a hard time approaching a salesperson in a store to ask a question. But man, put this kid on stage and the shyness disappears. She is still working on her stage presence (since she is still learning the songs), but she hops up there and you'd never know shyness resides in her. It's similar to when she acts in her school plays: when she walks onto that stage you can't see a single iota of nerves. She brims with confidence. So I love seeing it translate to the musical stage, too.

Thirdly, the band is good. I mean, they are punk so nothing is complicated or deep, but you can tell they love being up there and love people singing along and bopping their heads to the music. I find myself singing the songs randomly throughout the day; they have some catchy little ditties. They write their own songs. They play all originals...this is no wedding band doing covers.

Lastly (although I could go on and on about the ways I am proud of this kid), there seems to be a little rift developing in the band between two of the boys (let's call them S, the lead singer, and L, the rhythm guitarist). TJK was asked to be in the band and I think L is having a hard time with becoming third fiddle. S is an amazing front man - he was made for this and he is captivating on stage. And then TJK is the one girl in a boys' band, so she gets attention for that. She is a beautiful girl and when she is up there rocking the bass and killing it, she commands attention. L is falling into the shadows, partially because the kid has zero personality and zero stage presence and zero style, but also because he is overshadowed by TJK and S. So it's caused some confrontations between the two boys. (The drummer is younger and does not get involved in anyone's drama at all. He gets on stage, he plays, he growls, he screams, and then he checks out. Good for him.) TJK has been able to sidestep the drama between the two boys and let S handle it because it's his band. I love that she is all business and isn't taking sides. For the most part anyway.

TJK isn't going to be a rock star, most likely. She will probably go on to be a scientist or doctor or lawyer or something else. But I am so happy for her, that she gets to have this amazing experience in her teen years. It is going to be an amazing memory for her (as long as she and S don't start dating and then he tries to pull a Thurston Moore to her Kim Gordon...I don't want her memories of the band to be her mom murdering a dude for messing with her). But for now, playing at clubs, hanging with the boys, making music...it is all just so, so good.

Blathering on about Shitty Friends Acting Shitty

I've mentioned here before about a friend of mine, a very dear friend, whose parenting style is the complete opposite of mine. Which, generally, who cares? But her parenting style keeps bumping up against mine in unexpected ways and I am so over it.

M has been a friend of TJK since kindergarten. They have been best friends at times, but have drifted apart over the past few years. M is running with a mean girls crowd, and TJK has no time for that. But they are still friendly and have several close friends in common.

The one example from the past that always sticks with me is when they went to art camp together. M's mom was going to drive them there each day and I would pick them up. After day 1, M decided she didn't want to go anymore. There was a homeless man at the park sitting on a bench, and it freaked her out. M's mom agreed that she would not go back. The impact of this was: 1) now my kid is at camp alone, after we signed them up together, 2) now I have to drive both ways to camp, which did not jive with my work schedule, and 3) M was taught that you can just bail out of whatever you want without thinking of anyone else. There have been multiple instances like this, where M just deserts her friends or an obligation because she feels like it. Another was at performing arts camp, where we signed the girls up for post-camp dance lessons because they ran till 6 and then M decided she didn't want to take the classes and TJK ended up there alone. For 3 weeks.

My parenting style is the opposite of this. And really, it's not just parenting style, its the core of who I am. If TJK had committed to camp (or anything) with a friend and I had committed to driving, I would never let either of us bail. It's a commitment and it impacts other people. At some point you need to learn that the world does not revolve around you, and when you are a kid is the time to learn. M is going to be in for a rude awakening when she goes out into the real world (if she ever does).

So what happened today to bring this up? Months and months ago, a mutual friend invited M and TJK to go see some Youtubers they love this coming weekend. M's mom and I made plans to take the kids to the venue and then hang out for drinks and then bring the kids home. This morning I get a text from M's mom saying that M had been invited to something else this weekend and she really wanted to go, so she was going to let M go to this other event instead of the one she committed to all those months ago. I can't comprehend how this is ok. M already committed to going to to event. You already committed to driving with me and then having a girls night. What are you teaching your kid? How are you treating your friend? Everything is disposable; everything is replaceable when something better comes along.

I worry about M, and that she is never going to be able to stick with anything, or get through anything rough because she hasn't had to muddle through anything unpleasant, or deal with anything that isn't exactly what she wants to do at that moment. And, I worry about my friendship with M's mom because honestly, I can't take this kind of spoiling your kid at the expense of everyone around you. And she hasn't given me a second thought either. Just like with the camps where her actions meant more work for me, she hasn't considered that her decisions will impact me. Is it just that she spoils her kid so much that she can't see outside it? Or is it that, just like M, she doesn't consider anyone else when she makes decisions?

I am really angry right now, which for this moment means ignoring her text so I don't explode on her. I know if I open my brain onto her about how I am feeling right now, it will probably end our friendship. Meanness is coursing through my veins and I want to tell her how her actions impact others and how they are setting up her kid for a lifetime of unhappiness. And I know that won't go over too well, at all.

WWMD? (What Would Mama Do?)

It's hard to describe how difficult it is to parent a teenage girl.

I know I was one, and I know I was a particularly difficult one. And for that, mom, I'm sorry.

My girl isn't difficult (yet) in the way I was. She is not rebellious, she is not a rule-breaker or even a rule-tester, and she talks to me and her dad all the time in great detail. Whereas my parents knew nothing about what was going on in my life or mind, TJK shares everything with us. And that's where my difficulty comes in.

TJK tells me when her feelings get hurt by her friends. The other day, she was with four friends at the fireworks in town.  One friend took off as soon as they got there, and then there were 4. Two of the girls were kind of huddled together talking, not including the other two. TJK was one of the ones who was left out (although she was "left out" with one of the other girls, who she was talking to the whole time, so...). She called me, right from the fireworks, because her feelings were hurt. She needed advice so she wanted to talk to me.

Now this is fantastic in so many ways. TJK tends to be shy and doesn't like to start trouble (again, the opposite of me). So in this case, I told her to talk to the other girls and either a) confront them about why they weren't talking to anyone else or b) just start talking to them and make conversation...basically, just include yourself if they weren't going to include you. Or, the third option: just hang out with Girl 4 and have a great time laughing and talking so you aren't missing out on anything - you are creating your own fun. She actually chose option A - I was so proud - and did it in her own, nicer and kinder way. And it worked for her.

So why is this difficult? It all worked out in the end, right? Well, do most kids call their moms from the fireworks, with a group of their friends around, to ask advice and vent? What do her friends think? And why can't she channel me in her mind instead of calling? I mean, she knows what advice I am going to give (be bold, ask questions, confront bad behavior in whatever form, be strong). Am I raising her to be too dependent on me?

When she was little and would have little girl problems, I would tell her there was nothing I couldn't figure out a way to fix. She would tell me her issues and we would talk them through and find solutions. It's what I do best. It's why I'm good at my job and why I'm (mostly) good at life. I think I thought showing her strength and showing her how I came to solutions would help her do the same. But I'm afraid it's just made her dependent on me to solve her problems.

So, what do you do with that when you are talking about a teenage girl? A girl who has a great group of girlfriends, but who is heading into the unknown world of high school? A girl who is spending more and more time with the cute boy in her class? A girl who is now in a punk band that plays in bars and who could easily be put in compromising situations with drinking and drugs and sex? A girl who will get her driver's permit in a year and a half?

Part of me says I have to let her start figuring out her own problems. And the other part says, some of these problems are big and could have life-altering consequences and the fact that she comes to me is a huge plus. I know that the kid she is now would call me if her driver was drinking. I know that the kid she is now would tell me when she finally kisses the cute boy in her class. I know that the kid she is now would share it with me if she was offered drugs or if a boy got "fresh" with her. So is now really the time to cut that cord?

As I'm writing, the solution has perhaps become clearer (which is why I love to write - it clears my head). I need to use these little problems as tests. When she is at the fireworks and two friends make her feel sad, I need to ask her what she thinks she should do. I need to not give her the answers, but help her learn my process for finding solutions. I need to help her find which avenue she should take instead of driving her there myself.

I need to buy her a WWMD bracelet so I'm always in her head when she's making decisions.

Dear Diary (and Current Playlist)

(I think its more of a diary than a blog if the only person who reads it is the author, yeah?)

In exactly 10 days, almost to the minute, we leave for New Orleans! It is one of my favorite places on the planet and it's funny: we were last there in 2007, about 18 months after Katrina. We didn't go back for 10 years. Then, we went in June 2017 and are going again in March 2018! Last year, it was just the hubby and I. I had a business trip, and he joined me, and it was glorious. This time, it'll be a group of 7 of us (the way we used to travel to NO) and it shall be glorious as well.

Ten years ago, we spent most of our time on Bourbon and Decatur Streets in the French Quarter. Cheap booze and debauchery were all the rage and we lived every second to its fullest. The 2017 version of us had us spend a little time in the Quarter, hitting our favorite classic spots (like Lafitte's for voodoo daiquiris and Tropical Isle for Hand Grenades). The rest of the time, we head out to the neighborhoods to see what else the city had to offer (still focused on the booze, of course). It felt like a classier way to get drunk and be crazy: a whirlwind of craft breweries, fancy cocktail bars, tiki lounges, and wine laboratories. To me, this was perfection. My husband and me, flitting around the city, trying every drink and every yummy morsel we were offered. Chilling. Relaxing. Chatting with locals and tourists alike. Literally slowing down, sitting and having a drink, enjoying the hum of the city.

I am curious to see how this trip will go down. This may come off snobby but it's a fact: we have more money than some of our friends, and/or we are more willing to spend money than some of our friends. So we will sit in a fancy cocktail joint and drink scotch for hours; some of them can't or won't. We can work with that. We can be flexible. But at the same time, I don't want to drink piss beer on Bourbon all week, or shy away from the awesome things we experienced the last time around because some folks can't hang. So it is going to be interesting to see how compromise works with 7 bull-headed friends. I'm hoping for the best.
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On another weird note, we hung out with Patsy and Diddy (and Diddy's cousin) this weekend and it came up in discussion that I am meaner than Patsy. She is louder than I am...but she is all bark with no bite and I am the bite that follows the bark. I don't know how I feel about this. I mean, I don't mind that people know that my bark is not hollow and it will be followed by a generous and painful bite. But I guess I thought I was nicer than Patsy. Maybe our definitions of "nice" are different. I am definitely more thoughtful and conscientious of other people's feelings...but I guess I am the type where if you do cross me, there is hell to pay and perhaps with her, there is something slightly less than hell? I don't know, it just struck me as strange.
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And I am going to add in my current playlist, because I am so digging a few songs right now and I want to remember them when I move to something else:

1. Where's My Love (SYML) <---- OBSESSED with this song, so obsessed.
2. Dear Love of Mine (Daniel Spaleniak)
3. Do You Still Love Me? (Ryan Adams)
4. Don't Hurt Yourself (Beyonce with Jack White)
5. hell is where i dreamt of you and woke up alone (blackbear)
6. Yellow Flicker Beat (Lorde)
7. Quiet Lies (Matthew Mayfield)
8. I Am Mine (Pearl Jam)
9. Your Ghost (Kristin Hersch)
10. Cranes in the Sky (Solange)

Time To Lose a Few Pounds

Life has settled into a really great routine. "Routine" usually sounds like a bad thing, like things aren't fun or exciting, but run of the mill. But that's not the case. Life is good. Life is actually pretty great. We work all week and then play all weekend, which is exactly how I want life to be (unless of course I could just play all week and be independently wealthy, but that hasn't happened for me. Yet).

What happens for me when life settles into this sweet spot, however, is that I gain weight. I work hard all day, mostly at a desk in my office. I grab a bagel from the cafeteria for breakfast and then whatever I can find for lunch.Then I go home and collapse from exhaustion on the couch while binge-ing this show or that, and instead of cooking dinner, I order in or we go out. Then the week is over so we go visit breweries or go away for the weekend or whatever. The result is not really moving much, and eating and drinking very much. Unfortunately, I don't have the kind of makeup that allows me to eat and drink much and move little and not gain weight. So, this is what I have done.

Right after we got back from Cuba, I set a new schedule for myself. I get up and make a green smoothie for breakfast (since I hate veggies, this is the only way I am getting spinach into this body). No matter how tired I am after work, I come home and get into my work out clothes and get my ass moving. I either hit the treadmill or do kickboxing or HIIT training or lift weights. Then I cook an actual healthy meal - we haven't ordered delivery in months. And then I prep my healthy lunch for the next day. It feels good to do healthy things again, to take better care of my body and to feel strong again.

The weight isn't coming off as quickly as it used to, though, so I am anticipating having a hard time keeping my motivation going. The feeling of being healthier and stronger only carries me so far...I want to see that scale dropping. And it is dropping, don't get me wrong. But at my age (ahem), I guess things start to slow down and I have to work twice as hard to get shit done. Right now, I feel motivated to keep going even though things are slow, and I am trying to focus on my jeans being looser and my muscles feeling tighter.

Random Stuff on a Thursday

We replanned vacations yet again. Budapest flights went up so I thought, hmmm, we have been wanting to go back to Ireland and take TJK and do the north and northwest of the country as well as Northern Ireland. So we looked into flights and they were cheap going to Dublin. So, off to Ireland we go! We will fly into Dublin, then head north through the area my family is from to then spend a few days in Belfast (SO psyched for this), then head north to the Giant's Causeway and drive all the way across to Galway, with many stops along the way. I am disappointed that we won't see Budapest this year (or next, since our big Hawaii trip is next year), but I really can't complain.

And, on a further travel note, I just got approval to take a business trip that I have dying to go on...so off I go to New Orleans in a few months! I am SO excited about it because it adds yet another trip this year. Hubby is going to come with me and we are leaving TJK with my parents, so it'll be nice for just the two of us to get away. We have been taking her on most of our trips nowadays so being on our own will be a nice change, especially in one of our favorite cities.
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On Sunday, I went out for drinks with a friend of mine who is fairly politically active. She invited me and a few other ladies out to celebrate the failure of Trumpcare...our toast was "Fuck Trump!" It was so great to spend a few hours with like-minded, smart, funny, mouthy broads talking intelligently about what's going on in the world and what we can do about it. So often with my friends, we vent and complain about the world but never come up with solutions. With this group, we had great conversation interspersed with great ideas for how we can change the world. It felt pretty good.
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Work sucks the big one lately. I hate my role sometimes because I always have to be the bad guy. I am admired at work for being tough and always having the right things to say, but that means that the responsibility for saying the tough things often falls on me. And that gets tiresome. I love my co-workers and my employees (most of them, anyway), but their blind spots and weak points get to me sometimes. This is one of those times. I know it will pass; it always does. But when I'm in the midst of it, it feels like I am buried in mud to my throat.
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I love my outfit today. I have on a deep blue sweater with big bell sleeves and ties around the wrists (interesting sleeves are hot this season and I am all about it), kick flare jeans that have differently-dyed sides (meaning the jeans are a light blue and the sides are a deeper blue - also very hot this season), cute blue pointy flats, and a great, sparkly necklace one of my employees bought me for Christmas last year. I always feel better when I look cute.
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I cannot believe it is only Thursday - this has been the longest week ever. Tuesday felt like Thursday, which means that every other day has felt like it should be the weekend already. And we already have one more day to go! I planned a work friends happy hour tomorrow night, so at least I have that to look forward to.
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And finally, pride is overwhelming me when it comes to my kiddo! She tried out for and made the school play, which is next week. Tonight is the open house for the kids who will be coming into middle school next year, and the drama teacher picked a scene from the play to enact for the open house tonight - and TJK's part was selected! I can't wait to see her. I say it all the time, but I don't know how I got so lucky to have a kid who is so talented, so smart (straight A's in all honors classes), so kind, and so beautiful. And, so happy. She is the happiest kid alive, about 95% of the time. I am so incredibly lucky to have her as my kid. Not to mention that she is 13 and in middle school, and kids are already fighting and drinking and making out and all that stuff....and as of now, she still have her head on really straight. I am so proud of her :)

Travel Update - YAY!

While I was super happy to be going to Cuba this year, since it has been on my bucket list for some time and as soon as it becomes just another Caribbean island it will quickly fall off, I wasn't happy that it was so expensive that the rest of my trips this year felt lackluster. I'm obviously a spoiled traveler when 4 trips a year feel like a disappointment, but I couldn't help it. Toronto? Chicago? Grand Rapids? Florida? Blech. I was sacrificing all my travel fun for Cuba and even though it was worth it, I still wasn't thrilled.

About a week ago we got an excellent opportunity to go to Cuba for about 30% of the previous price, and that included my daughter being able to go. We obviously jumped right on that. We won't be in Havana as long, but we will make the most of it and the truth is that for how much we are saving, we can go three times.

The beauty of saving so much money on Cuba is that we are able to replace the Toronto trip with my dream trip to Budapest! We haven't booked anything yet but we are looking at a whirlwind tour to Budapest, Vienna, and Bratislava (Slovakia). I AM SO EXCITED! (My other option is Budapest and Belgrade, Serbia, but hubby isn't feeling Serbia right now.)To be able to do Cuba and Budapest in one year is a dream come true for me.

We will still do our Chicago/Grand Rapids trip in April and I'm totally cool with that. Then we will have Cuba in June, and Budapest in August. And then our big Hawaii trip next year! Sometimes I look at my life and wonder how I got so lucky - to have such a happy day-to-day life, to drive the car I drive, to have the shoes and purses and clothes I have, to do fun things at every turn, and to be able to travel the world the way I do. I recognize how lucky I am (and how hard I have worked to get here, too) and I just beam with happiness. Life is good.

Karma Bites a Mean Mom Gently on the Ass

So let's talk about this here since it's impolite and mean to talk badly about other people's children. So while I have talked about this with my husband and will share it with one of my besties, I don't want to come off like I am reveling in the failure of a child. But I am, and I don't really and truly care all that much.

Years ago, I was really good friends with a woman I will call M. She constantly told me that I was like her sister, that no one understood her the way I did, and that I was the only one she could truly confide in. How nice to have a friend like this! Our families spent a lot of time together, going to the movies, dinners, Broadway plays, and hanging out at each other's houses. Our daughters were in the same grade and in the same class, so our families were a perfect fit.

We had a mutual friend, L, whose daughter was also in the same class as our daughters. I never had a problem with L, although I didn't love her parenting and thought her daughter was a bit of a douche. But we were friendly, and M and L were friendly as well.

Then one day at school, L's daughter hit TJK in the head with a rock at aftercare. I am a pretty calm person in these situations, actually - I handled it well, knowing that kids are kids and while I wanted L to handle this with her child, I didn't want aftercare to kick her out or anything. A conversation was needed between the moms. So I called L and we talked it out. Our first discussion did not go so well, and L claimed that there was no way her daughter would do something like this and that TJK must have provoked her in some way. Oh no you didn't just say that my kid was "asking for it" or that she "provoked" violence in some way. That conversation didn't end well, except for L saying that her daughter would be grounded and not allowed at the Halloween dance that night or to go trick-or-treating the following day. That sounded fair to me - there needed to be punishment for the crime.

So, off we go to the Halloween dance and there is L's kid, dancing away as if she had not just assaulted a child with a rock earlier that day. I was pretty upset about it, because it meant to me that L didn't take this seriously. M and I huddled outside to talk it through, and she gave me advice as I confided in her about how I felt.

Trying to make a long story a little shorter, I got a call a couple of weeks later stating that my child had a bullying complaint lodged against her by L. I was furious, despite the school finding that TJK was, of course, not at fault. Now, when this happened, I could have lodged a complaint with the school or with aftercare about L's child, but I did not. I thought we could work it out amongst ourselves and not do any long term damage to the kids. Weeks went by, and then I was talking to my friend S about it. She was like, "I probably shouldn't tell you this, but L told me that M told her that she should lodge the complaint against TJK to preempt anything I might do. That way, if I said that L's kid hit mine with a rock, there would be a complaint of bullying against her already. THIS WAS MY FRIEND, the one who said I was like a sister to her, telling another person to back stab me,

This is why I hate M. I hate L as well, but it doesn't really matter to my life. My kid is in all honors classes and her kid is dumber than the rock she hit TJK with, so they don't even see each other any more. However, M's kid is in every single class with TJK. They are both in all honors, so they see each other all day, every day. TJK isn't fond to M's daughter because, honestly, she is exactly like M. So they aren't friends, but they have the same circle of friends.

Last night, TJK had a friend over and they were talking. I'm so lucky that not only does my kid talk to me, but her friends do, too. Her friend said, Oooh, "TJG, you are going to want to hear this. M's daughter is on probation for Global Studies and if she doesn't pick up her grade next semester, she is going to be kicked out of Honors Global Studies and put into a regular class!" I couldn't help but do a little jig, and I felt a little bad for it because I don't want to be mean to a child...but...I know that with how competitive and over-achiever-like M is, it is tearing her up that her kid is not succeeding in honors classes (my kid got a 96% in that class, bitches). And since M was such an awful person to me and my kid, I can't help but revel just a little bit in her getting a tiny comeuppance. Karma is a bitch.

This Is Why I'm Always Tired and I'm Not Mad About it

From the time my alarm goes off on Monday mornings until I leave work on Friday evening, I am tired. Sometimes, it's just a gentle weariness that I know I can push through. Other times, it's a soul-crushing exhaustion that I feel will cause my untimely death. Throughout the work week, I am somewhere on the spectrum of tiredness at all times.

Of  course, there is a simple way to alleviate this feeling. Sleep. I could take a weekend day and do nothing. I could sleep in, stay in my jammies all day, order dinner in at 5pm, and get to bed by 8. And sometimes I even have this intention. I decide on Monday, when my eyelids are so heavy I don't think I'll be able to keep them open through one more meeting, that I will take a weekend off from the grind and get some well-deserved rest. Yep, that's the plan.

Then the week wears on and I get antsy. I want to do something fun. I want to try something new. I start seeing ideas for fun things to do over the weekend and think, well, I could just do this one thing. It won't be so bad. Then I start building on that one thing: Hey, you're going to be in Brooklyn anyway, so why not hit up that craft beer bar you've heard so much about?

And that's how my weekend went. Friday night has become all about my kid and her friends. They go ice skating every Friday night, and the hours are less than perfect. So I'm heading out at 8:30pm to drop them off and then again at 10:30 to pick them up. There's no rest for a mom who has just picked up a bunch of high-on-hot-chocolate-and-cute-boys teenage girls. The girls want to talk (and, truth be told, I'm glad they want to talk to me!). My daughter wants to continue the talk when we get home (again: grateful she wants to tell me what's going on!). So yeah, there goes Friday night and it wasn't even exciting.

Hubby and TJK always go to Monster Jam. I cannot for the life of me understand why, but this is something they have done for years. I love it because it should be a quiet night at home for me. Well, I really could have used the quiet night, but since my dad was joining them at MJ, I decided to ask my mom to go see La La Land with me. Ok, so that's a movie, no biggie. Here's how the day ended up: We got up and headed up to Nanuet, where we were supposed to meet up with a friend of Hubby's. So we spent a few hours in Nanuet, bouncing from place to place, drinking beers and talking and having a great time. Then we got home, and my parents were already at our house. So, out we went. Mom and I went for a nice dinner and cocktails and then the movie. By the time we got home, and then they got home, there was no time for rest and little time for sleep.

On Sunday, we got up early and head into Brooklyn for brunch. I had seen something on Facebook about a magic exhibit in Williamsburg, so we head  in early to grab a nice hipster brunch before out 1:20 tickets for the magic exhibit. Three and a half hours later, we were still on line for the fucking exhibit. It was insane - so poorly run and so cold out (yes, we were outside for 3 hours in February waiting on line to get into this thing). But once we were in, TJK loved it (she is kind of obsessed with magic right now) so it was worthwhile (sort of). She did get to levitate so that was cool:

But then, we had so many plans for what we were going to do with our afternoon in the BK that even though it was now after 5pm, we still wanted to make the most of our location. So we spent some time at Torst, a great craft beer joint, and then found a bus which had been turned into a teeny cafe, and had drinks there while looking at the skyline from the Brooklyn side, and then hit up our favorite restaurant in Manhattan (The Smith). So we ended up getting home at nearly midnight, on a Sunday night.

I'm telling myself now that next weekend will be quieter, and we will take it easy and get some rest...and even as I say it I know it isn't true. I know I have the best of intentions, but when the weekend comes at me, with all of its enticing opportunities for fun and craziness, I know I won't say no.

But this part is true: I wouldn't have my life any other way. I live for the chaos and I want to do as much as I can while I still can.  Exhaustion is just a by-product of a life well-lived.

Where I'm Going in 2017

It's official. I'm going stir crazy in Jersey.

Yes, we do lots of stuff. We are out and about every weekend and most weeknights doing this or that. Whether it's an exhibit at a gallery in NYC or checking out a new brewery or simply going to the movies and dinner, we are people who do not know how to rest. We go all the time. So it's not like I'm bored or stagnant.

I just want to pack a bag and hit the road and leave life behind for a few days. That is what keeps me going.

The last trip I went on was to Belize and Honduras in November, so it's been only 2 months...but our next trip isn't till April so I am getting cranky about being home instead of somewhere that gets me going. I think all of our major trips are planned for the year (we always throw in some little long weekends here and there, and those are still in the planning stages). So here's what's on deck:

April: Chicago for a few days, and then Grand Rapids, Michigan for a few days. This might not thrill some people, but I happen to ADORE Chicago and can't wait to check out the beer scene in Grand Rapids. And TJK is super excited because her major bucket list goal is to go to all 50 states. She has been to more states than most adults, so she is well on her way. She has been to Chicago already, but she has never been to Michigan...plus we will have the drive through Indiana as well so she'll get to check off 2 new states (and Michigan is a new one for me, too!). It may be a little chilly in April, but I am looking forward to being in Chicago off-season and enjoying the architecture, the Bean, the Art Institute, and the deep dish pizza! And, for the kiddo who wants to be a rocket scientist, a trip to the planetarium will be stellar. In Grand Rapids, we will mostly do beer stuff, but I'm also excited to see the Ai Wei Wei exhibit at the Frederik Meijer Gardens, too.

May: CUBA! Hubby and I are going to celebrate our anniversary by finally taking the trip to Cuba that I have been wanting to take forever. I am SO excited about it, and hope we can get this trip in before Our Cheeto President decides to undo all the progress we have made with Cuba. We will spend a few days in Havana and then a few days in other areas of the country. It will be an intense trip, as it is a people-to-people trip where you spend time learning about the culture, art, music, cigars, farms, etc. I love that kind of stuff so I am really psyched to do it. Hubby prefers to sightsee on his own (as do I, honestly, but I know it's not an option yet in Cuba), so he may struggle with the itinerary but I think it's going to be life-changing for us. I wish TJK could come along, but it's a very expensive trip so she's going to have to wait a few years till prices come down. In fact, our other trips this year are less-than-fantastic because of the cost of this trip, so I hope that putting off Budapest another year is worth it!

June: Captiva Island. We went last year with some friends, and while they can't go again this year, we decided it was so much fun and so relaxing that we wanted to do it again. We are staying at the same gorgeous resort and can't wait to lie on the beach and look for shells and drink frozen drinks and eat at great restaurants and basically chill for a week.

August: Toronto. We had planned to go to Toronto last year and then replaced it with Vancouver and Whistler. I was happy about that choice, and now I am happy to be going to Toronto. We are going to drive up there, which hubby loves and I dread, but it'll be fine. We will stop at Niagara Falls since TJK has never been there (and it's been a longggg time since we have been there at all) and spend the night before heading to Toronto the next day. I am kind of excited about our hotel room there - we got a suite that overlooks the Falls. It should be awesome. I have to admit that I don't remember too much about Toronto so it's going to take some research to figure out what there is to do there. We will definitely hit the Hockey Hall of Fame, which I remember loving.Other than that...I'm not quite sure yet, but it'll all come together.

November: Pittsburgh, possibly. We are waiting on this one until we get the Steelers' schedule for next year. We always do something for Teacher's Convention weekend, and we are hoping they will have a Sunday 1pm game at home that weekend so we can drive out on Thursday and come home Sunday night. If the game doesn't work out, I have no idea what we will do. Maybe Vermont again? Maybe Maine again? I think it'll be somewhere we can drive (trying to cut those costs due to Cuba), and I think we have seen everything within driving distance! (Which, truly, is a good problem to have).

All in all, a pretty good year. Not as exotic as I usually like, but I'm dialing everything else back so we can go to Cuba. Next year is a big anniversary for us, so we have already planned to go to Hawaii to celebrate. That's where we went for our honeymoon and it was so wonderful. We can't wait to show it all to TJK and see how it has changed over the years. The only downside is that, again, it's a big and expensive trip so everything else will be scaled back. I'm thinking that will keep me from Budapest (again) and Scotland (where I'm dying to go to see my family!), and it will also keep me from swimming with the piggies in the Exumas. But maybe 2019 will have us going to all three of those dream locations!

A Whiplash of Feelings Over the Political Weekend

Well, there's a lot on my mind today, following the inauguration of the Cheeto and the magnificence of the Women's Marches. Friday felt like a day of despair, knowing that the Obamas leaving the White House meant yuge changes for our country - changes that even those who supported him do not expect nor want. It felt like such a dark day, like I had to brace myself for the next four years of this man as our leader. It was hard to feel hopeful about the future and I felt myself getting depressed and downright angry about it.

Saturday was a day of resurgence - while I wasn't able to march (it KILLED me that I couldn't!), I watched on tv and social media all day while millions of my sisters marched for the rights of women, the LGBT community, communities of color, and healthcare, and against sexism, racism, xenophobia, Islamophobia, and homophobia. It filled me with joy to see all of these human beings joining together to march not only in DC, NYC, and LA, but in tiny towns and medium cities across America and the entire world (including friggin' Antarctica!). While it upset me to see some Facebook friends stating that the march wasn't necessary because they personally are doing just fine (wow, self-centered much?), most of my feed was of friends who had personally attended marches or who were in full support. It felt like a good day filled with hope and promise.

Then on Sunday, I took TJK, who wants to be a rocket scientist, to see Hidden Figures at the movies. It blew my mind how amazing this movie was and how timely its release was. These three brilliant women were held back because of their gender and skin color, held down at every step by the government and the system and their employers and even some of their loved ones...only to triumph monumentally in the end. It was so incredibly inspiring, and following the day of marches on Saturday, it made my heart smile. Hope had returned.

And in my own reality, my Sunday went something like this: hubby, kiddo and I went to the movies; hubby and I went food shopping together; the three of us cooked a big dinner together with all of us prepping, cooking, and cleaning up afterwards; and finally, all three of us watched football together, with my husband and daughter in their Steelers jerseys complaining together about the loss. It made me see that the way my own life has turned out falls right in line with my moral stance on how life should be: we all food shopped, we all cooked; we all cleaned, we all watched football; we are all equals in my house. And that is what I believe should be the norm.

This, to me, is a big part of being a feminist: living your own truth and walking the walk. We don't fall into stereotypical gender roles - we are equals. We help each other. My money is his money, and vice versa. We are a team. He takes care of me, and I take care of him. And my daughter sees that, and she thinks it's odd when she is at a friend's house and the dad sits on the couch watching football while the mom cooks after both have worked all week and could use a rest. As a mother of a daughter, I am so proud of the example we are setting for her.

As Monday wears on and I hear about the anti-abortion orders President Cheeto is signing, I feel the despair start to creep back in. But I won't let it. Good wins in the end. I know it does. And while he and his unseemly minions will certainly win many battles in their positions of power, I know that what's right will win the war.

Come at me, 2017

I have to admit that while 2016 was rough on a global-scale (can you say "orange president"?), my 2016 was actually really good personally. I traveled a lot and knocked a few things off my bucket list (Lisbon! Southern Portugal! Honduras! Belize!), while still taking some of my travel time to relax and unwind (instead of always needing a vacation when I come back from my vacation because I've run myself ragged). My daughter is such a superstar, and she had a great year - and when your kids are doing well, you do well. She started middle school, in all very challenging honors classes, without a hitch. She made so many new friends, auditioned for and got a major part in the school play, and has a bright and busy social life. She is happy and that makes me happy. My husband and I are in just such a great place, too. We are enjoying the time we spend together, laughing, having fun, and being best friends. My parents are happy and (mostly) healthy, and we have had some pretty good times with them over the year as well. I have shed some friends who were better left in the past, and made some new ones who brighten my outlook...and have even caused me to leave some of the my cynicism behind.

(Ok, not all of it. I'm still cynical and sarcastic and that won't ever change. But I do realize that the negativity was weighing me down and making me less happy. And I've reduced that, and I feel good about it.)

So, here we are in 2017. I don't really believe in the whole "new year, new you" thing. Like, the change of a calendar doesn't mean a change in you. But I do think the end of another year gives you the opportunity to look at yourself closely and figure out what has been working for you and what hasn't.

What's working for me? My travel goals are nearly perfect. I love how I'm able to travel often and to unique and interesting places. I wish I could travel more, but with 4 weeks of vacation from work, I do the best I can. This year will be a little different because we are going to Cuba, which costs an arm and a leg, so our other trips will have to be scaled back. No Budapest or Scotland or Istanbul, as I had hoped. It looks like it'll be Cuba, Toronto, Captiva Island, and maybe Chicago or Vermont. I hate the idea of only one new place this year, but Cuba will make it all worthwhile. What makes me a little sad is that for 2018, we will be doing a big anniversary trip to Hawaii, so that will make the rest of our trips small again next year. I know, poor me.

What else is working? My approach to motherhood is working. I couldn't have a better, smarter, cooler kid and I know that while some of that is just in her genes, some is my influence. And now that she's 13, my influence may seem to wane as her friends grow in importance...but I know she is still listening. I have to keep on momming the way I am now, because it's working. And I can keep on wife-ing the way I am now, as well...while putting in a little more effort, perhaps. He spoils me so much (not just with material things, but with all the "stuff" he does) and I need to figure out how to spoil him back a little more.

And what isn't working? While I don't set the whole "lose 10 pounds" goals at the beginning of the year, I am setting health goals. I need my ass up off the couch more. I need to fuel my body in healthier ways. And while I love my craft beer more'n my luggage, I need to drink less of it. I want to start hiking again, and maybe kickboxing and yoga. I got so lazy this year, and I miss the endorphins of a good workout and the feelings of strength that follow.

What else isn't working? I want to stop letting negativity influence me. I let that happen too much in 2016. If something is bringing me down, stop doing it. This can apply to my obsession with politics (which has definitely lessened since the election - it is too depressing, so I've minimized my exposure) or to friends who focus on complaining about the bad parts of life, or even to social media (where I have been mostly absent because frankly, I'm bored of it). I want to focus on the fun and joyous parts of life - and truly, I am so lucky to say that my life is full of joy and that I have more fun than should be allowed by law. There is so much good to focus on, and I want to seek out those moments and be present in those moments and simply revel in how good life can be.

Slightly off topic (but not really) - I planned a get-together in NYC for my extended family to meet up with our visiting family from Scotland. A bunch of us went in early - with the "adults" concerned about timing and about how we would fill our time until we had to meet, and with some just sourpussing it through the whole day. We went to see the Rock Center tree (so nice after the holiday crowds have gone!) and then walked to the Plaza, where I had the idea to get some fancy cocktails and pretend to be fancy people for an hour or so. We did just that, and it was such a nice little break in the day - impromptu and totally fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants - and it was fantastic. We then met our Scotland fam (after a small walk across town that left some sourpusses complaining, again), and had an amazing time. Now don't get me wrong - it took a lot of effort to get this whole thing planned, with more pushback than help from the rest of the family. But the effort was so worth it, and it was such a memorable day. This weekend we are headed back to NYC to see an art exhibit and my parents are coming with us. I'm excited about planning a fun day for them and trying some new things while we are there. THAT is what the new year feels like to me - make the effort, take some chances, reap the fun rewards.  

In all, 2017 is probably going to globally suck. Our Cheeto President is going to mess up the world and the Republicans will cheer it and the Democrats will do nothing to stop it. But I have realized that there is little I can do about that (yes, I call my representatives to express my concerns, yes, I vote in every single election no matter how small, yes, I stay educated on global and local politics) and I have come to terms with the fact that I am mostly powerless and it is futile to think otherwise). But 2017 for me, personally, has all the potential in the world to be a great year and I am approaching it as such.

Ball of Confusion

Its so confusing sometimes. I feel like the world is falling apart in so many ways. Terrorism is on the rise all over the world and it makes life so scary. There are threats to peace and safety at every turn, it seems. Our President-Elect is an insane person who is not qualified to lead this country, and while I have largely tuned out from politics, I am still reading enough to know we are on a bad path as he fills his cabinet with loonies. The environment is in complete peril and a whole segment of the population doesn't even believe it, so how can we begin to consider fixing it? And people are so stressed out and mean and only in it for themselves. The level of entitlement people feel is out of control. Everything seems dark to me right now, like is becoming a world I won't even want to live in within the next several years. I feel despondent and full of dark grey space. I often want to just move to the middle of Montana where there is no crime and no traffic and no one there to even be part of my day-to-day existence.

And yet.

I have my daughter. She is a shining light in the world. She is smart, incredibly kind, loving, and thoughtful. When I think about her, I think about all the wonderful things I know she will accomplish. Right now she legit wants to be a rocket scientist, and she is capable of that. Sometimes I think she will be a lawyer, and sometimes I think she will be a doctor. And sometimes I think she will join the peace corps and help refugees. She has so much in her that is good and wise, especially for a 13-year old, and I can't wait to see what she does with all that goodness when she grows up.

But how do I reconcile those two things? How do I think the world is not even going to make it much longer, and even if it does, it's going to be a horrible, ugly, unpleasant place to live...while contemplating what my child is going to be and how she will contribute positively?

I think it comes from knowing that my kid is a bright sun in a dark world, and that her light will be strong enough to keep at least a teeny part of the world illuminated. It comes from faith in good triumphing over evil, even if the struggle between the two takes a long time. It comes from looking into her face and seeing innocence and wonder, and knowing that there are millions of other kids out there with the same innocence and wonder, and in turn, knowing that those children are the bright lights in their parents' hearts.

Somehow, I still find hope.

I Am Angry

I was going to write a long screed on divorce and children from a logical and thoughtful perspective, but I just can't do that today. Maybe on another day, but not today.

Today I am angry. I am angry that one parent can go to court and sully the reputation of the other parent in order to deny him equal custody of their child. I am angry that a schedule that was working so well for the child is now disrupted because of the evilness and vindictiveness of one parent. I am angry that a mother would use her child as a weapon and a pawn. I am angry that one parent would withhold time with the child from the other parent as a punishment. I am angry that a good father is now being denied his due time with his daughter.

As a feminist, I never believed that the system was rigged against fathers. I honestly thought that when mothers got full custody, there were good reasons for it. It wasn't just that women were thought to be caregivers and men weren't - there had to be more to the story that we didn't know about. And now, I can honestly say that that's bullshit. This judge took everything the mother said at face value, no real evidence, no real proof, and took a child from her father. She even said, "you were married for 10 years, the wife would know best."

My heart is breaking for both the dad and the child. He is devastated and doesn't know how he is going to go on. He can't bear to think of seeing his child every other weekend when he had her for a week at a time and got to do homework with her, cook her dinner, put her to bed...all the things a dad wants to be able to do for his daughter. And she is going to miss out on spending all that time with this fun-loving guy who worships the ground his daughter walks on and would do anything for her. As a mom of a daughter (and a daughter of a father), I know just how important fathers are to their daughters. They are the first man we love, and if there is no first man around during your formative years...what do you learn? That men aren't there for you? That men desert you? That men don't care? WHY would any woman want her daughter to have that influence if they didn't have to? WHY would any woman deny her child the right to see her father when he has done nothing to deserve this?

Right now, I am just fucking angry and I have no outlet for my anger. It's so hard to believe that someone you once loved enough to stand up in front of your family and friends and declare that love for could do something so heinous and cruel. I can't help but wonder if the woman is happy. Is she pleased with herself? Does she feel successful? Is she high-fiving her dirtbag lawyer on the way they stole a child from her father today?

Today, I am angry. And I feel helpless that there is nothing I can do to help fix the situation. I am angry at myself for not being even more forceful that he use a serious lawyer on this. I am angry at myself for ever considering this woman a friend and for inviting her into my family and into my circle of friends and into my heart. I am just angry. And I feel like the anger will dissipate with time and just become deep-rooted sadness that will stay with me forever.

Commitments

I think one of the most important things you do as a parent is prepare them for life outside of your home. Real life. Life at work, with friends, with a future partner. Life when it's great and life when it's hard and dark and painful. You teach them their value so they accept no less than the best from their friends and lovers. You teach them respect so they treat others well and expect the same in return. You teach them sticktoittiveness so they learn perseverance and stamina and ability to work through the hard times to get back to the good times.

These are hard lessons to teach kids sometimes. It's so much easier to let them make their every decision in a way that makes them happy at the moment. They don't really understand the hard decisions most of the time, and they think you are being mean by not just letting them get what they want. Instant gratification is okay for tweens, but adults who can't see past the moment at hand are bad employees, selfish friends, and terrible husbands/wives. And the whole job of parenting, in my opinion, is raising solid, happy, productive adults...not overgrown children.

Recently, this has come to a head with one of TJK's friends. It's an ongoing issue and it has come up repeatedly over the years, but now it's becoming a real problem. TJK and her friend are in a 3 week camp together. There was talk of carpooling for drop off and pickup and of all the great aftercare classes offered in this camp.The girls were looking forward to it.

We are now on day four of camp. TJK's friend has not gone to aftercare once, despite her mom telling me that she was going to go every day for at least the first week to see which classes she wanted to take. TJK is disappointed, but she is fine. She has made other friends and is loving aftercare. I am annoyed that I have to do drop off and pick up every day instead of splitting it as I'd hoped, but I'll get over it. No biggie.

The bigger issue to me is the way this kid is allowed to do whatever she wants. She committed to this with my daughter, with me, with her mom - not to mention that her mom paid for it and isn't attending! - and she has been allowed to skip it every day because she feels like it. What lesson is this teaching your child?

A couple of years ago, the girls went to another camp together (again, we were supposed to carpool...). On day one, they walked to a park for lunch and there was a homeless man there, sitting on a park bench. Not for nothing, but this is not unheard of, and if you live in the greater NYC area, it's something you get used to seeing. The man didn't approach or talk to or interact with the kids at all - just sat on the bench. Well, this child was so freaked out on day one that she did not return to camp. At all. Her mother allowed her to bail because she was uncomfortable at a park with a group of 20 kids and several counselors and one homeless man. She allowed her to ditch camp completely, leaving TJK and me in a lurch.

Even this past weekend, we had plans to go away with girl and her mom (we are good friends with them, honestly, and I do love the mom). We bought tickets to an event, made hotel reservations, laid out our plan of attack for the drive and our time away. They did go with us, but at one point the mom said to me, "I was so afraid she was going to get up this morning and say she was too tired to go and we would have to cancel."

WHAT.

If TJK got up and said she was too tired, I would tell her to take a nap in the car because we have plans and money had already been spent. It would never occur to me that I should cancel or rearrange our plans because of what TJK wants or doesn't want at that moment. She is involved in the decision-making process, but once she commits, she is committed.

I get that it's easier to allow your kids to run the show, and that it's not fun when you have to say no and they get mad at you. It's hard to have the center of your universe angry with you and think you are mean and, even worse, not cool. But that's parenting. It's not easy.

I feel badly for TJK, who had these three weeks of camp planned out with her friend and now has to rearrange and reset her expectations. She asked me if she, too, could skip aftercare because her friend was skipping. I told her no. She committed to going and she is going to go. And she was not happy with me and I can live with that. I know that her being miserable today is teaching her something valuable: that you stand by what you say and you do what you said you were going to do. In a few years, I know these lessons will pay off. And I am afraid that her friend will be left expecting the world to curve to her will and not knowing how to cope when it refuses to.