Random Questions in my Head That Are Making Me Not Sleep

Can you still consider yourself a generous person if you are very giving with people and "treat" all the time because you know you make more money than others, but yet you get pissed off when people are not appreciative? In particular, when you take your kid's friends out to expensive events, treat them to dinners, buy them the keepsakes that come along with the events...and the parents never even text you a "thanks"? Are you still generous if you are bitter about your giving?

Is it wrong to really want a promotion because it will pay you a lot more money but really not want it because you aren't sure you want more responsibility and work?

Should I feel bad that a co-worker, who sucks at actual work and has for years, is going to be laid off? What if she is lazy af and is kind of an asshole, but she smiles in your face and pretends that you are still good friends?

What car should I get? I'm looking at the Lexus RX350 or the Range Rover Evoque SE Premium. I really like the Range Rover the best but it is known for being unreliable, and everyone I know with a Lexus loves it. And what about the fact that what I really and truly in my heart want is the Porsche Panamera? Will I always resent the fact that I am not getting what I really want? And, if I'm taking the promotion with all the extra work and commitment, do I owe it to myself to at least check out the more expensive and more perfect car?

What do you do when your daughter has become best friends with a boy and a girl, and things then start getting teenager-y? Like, its the three of them all the time, and they get along great. And now, I think the boy and girl are starting to like each other, and then my kiddo is left out. How do I help her manage that?

What happens when you get to an age where you decide you will take no shit from anyone, and that people who are ignorant or annoying or careless will have no place in your life...and then realize you are maybe becoming intolerant of imperfection? Where do you draw the line between what is acceptable and what isn't? How do you know when you are cutting too many people out of your life, and how do you know if you are using good reasons to cut them out?

How do you remove yourself from solving everyone else's problems when you can't even solve your own? If you are overwhelmed with your own petty life decisions and issues, why do people even think you are capable of tackling their problems? And why do I think I'm capable of this?

Will I be able to get past the pit in my stomach every time I see a friend/family member/high school acquaintance post their support for Bret Kavanaugh? It's taking everything in me to not drive to Louisiana and beat the crap out of my cousins for things they have posted (but then I have never met them in person so why do I even care?). This whole Kavanaugh thing is making me insane and I feel like the world is on fire and that none of these other issues means anything because Trump and his collection of douchebros are going to kill us all anyway so why even bother getting up in the morning?
 

WWMD? (What Would Mama Do?)

It's hard to describe how difficult it is to parent a teenage girl.

I know I was one, and I know I was a particularly difficult one. And for that, mom, I'm sorry.

My girl isn't difficult (yet) in the way I was. She is not rebellious, she is not a rule-breaker or even a rule-tester, and she talks to me and her dad all the time in great detail. Whereas my parents knew nothing about what was going on in my life or mind, TJK shares everything with us. And that's where my difficulty comes in.

TJK tells me when her feelings get hurt by her friends. The other day, she was with four friends at the fireworks in town.  One friend took off as soon as they got there, and then there were 4. Two of the girls were kind of huddled together talking, not including the other two. TJK was one of the ones who was left out (although she was "left out" with one of the other girls, who she was talking to the whole time, so...). She called me, right from the fireworks, because her feelings were hurt. She needed advice so she wanted to talk to me.

Now this is fantastic in so many ways. TJK tends to be shy and doesn't like to start trouble (again, the opposite of me). So in this case, I told her to talk to the other girls and either a) confront them about why they weren't talking to anyone else or b) just start talking to them and make conversation...basically, just include yourself if they weren't going to include you. Or, the third option: just hang out with Girl 4 and have a great time laughing and talking so you aren't missing out on anything - you are creating your own fun. She actually chose option A - I was so proud - and did it in her own, nicer and kinder way. And it worked for her.

So why is this difficult? It all worked out in the end, right? Well, do most kids call their moms from the fireworks, with a group of their friends around, to ask advice and vent? What do her friends think? And why can't she channel me in her mind instead of calling? I mean, she knows what advice I am going to give (be bold, ask questions, confront bad behavior in whatever form, be strong). Am I raising her to be too dependent on me?

When she was little and would have little girl problems, I would tell her there was nothing I couldn't figure out a way to fix. She would tell me her issues and we would talk them through and find solutions. It's what I do best. It's why I'm good at my job and why I'm (mostly) good at life. I think I thought showing her strength and showing her how I came to solutions would help her do the same. But I'm afraid it's just made her dependent on me to solve her problems.

So, what do you do with that when you are talking about a teenage girl? A girl who has a great group of girlfriends, but who is heading into the unknown world of high school? A girl who is spending more and more time with the cute boy in her class? A girl who is now in a punk band that plays in bars and who could easily be put in compromising situations with drinking and drugs and sex? A girl who will get her driver's permit in a year and a half?

Part of me says I have to let her start figuring out her own problems. And the other part says, some of these problems are big and could have life-altering consequences and the fact that she comes to me is a huge plus. I know that the kid she is now would call me if her driver was drinking. I know that the kid she is now would tell me when she finally kisses the cute boy in her class. I know that the kid she is now would share it with me if she was offered drugs or if a boy got "fresh" with her. So is now really the time to cut that cord?

As I'm writing, the solution has perhaps become clearer (which is why I love to write - it clears my head). I need to use these little problems as tests. When she is at the fireworks and two friends make her feel sad, I need to ask her what she thinks she should do. I need to not give her the answers, but help her learn my process for finding solutions. I need to help her find which avenue she should take instead of driving her there myself.

I need to buy her a WWMD bracelet so I'm always in her head when she's making decisions.

Kids and Kissing

I had such a strange thing happen the other day and I don't know if I'm handling it right. I'd love advice because I want to do the right thing, but I don't want to sensationalize it by talking to people who know the players about it, I don't want to post it on facebook for advice because the person involved will see it, and twitter is too simplistic for this kind of question. So I figured I'd blog it and no one will see it or give advice, but maybe typing it all out will give me some clarity.

We were having dinner with one of Princess' friends, who is a girl of about 10 years old. I am forever trying to find out what boys Princess likes and she won't tell me...so I asked this friend (let's call her Jessica) who she herself likes. I was trying to prime the pump so I could then ask her who Princess likes. Jessica replied to me by holding up 2 fingers. I said, whoa, two boys? And she said no, actually, one boy and one girl (both around her same age). That answer surprised me a little, but I tried not to show it. We talked some more about it and she was very matter of fact about it (which impressed me - no guilt, no fearful questioning, no worrying that I wouldn't be accepting. What a difference a generation can make!).

Then, she told me that she had "done stuff" with the girl, which included kissing in her bed. They had gone into her bed, which is the top bunk of a bunk bed she shares with her younger sister, and set up pillows all around it so no one could see in. That's where I kind of got concerned. I mean, its one thing at 10 to have crushes or to like boys or girls or whatever. But the sneaking into her bed? The putting up the pillows so it was secret? The kissing in bed, at 10 years old?

After she told me all about this girl and boy she liked, she said that she was bisexual. Used that label, that word to describe herself. That threw me for a loop. Where had she learned that word, at 10 years old, and who told her that was the label for what she is?

I asked her if her mom knew about the people she had crushes on and about the kissing. She said no.

So the question is - should I tell her mother? My gut says no because I don't want to out this kid to her mom. I am friendly with the mom and she is a nice person...but she is very religious so I don't know how she would react. I don't know if it's my place to tell the mom something that the kid confided in me, something that she deliberately did not tell her mom. Maybe this opens a door for Jessica to talk to me about things she can't talk to her mom about, and I can guide her. Which, in all honesty, I did not do this time around because I was in shock and didn't know what to say. But I would be better next time.

But then I think about it and if this was my kid telling another mom that she was bisexual and kissing girls secretively in her bed...I would want to know. I'd want to deal with the kissing-in-the-bed part because I don't care if its a boy or girl or alien, they are not to be in your bed and you are not to be kissing. These are 5th graders we are talking about here.

I think my best bet is to leave it alone. I'd hate myself if I told the mom and then she punished the kid in some way for liking girls. I don't think I can take that chance, knowing what the repercussions could be.