#Feminist

So I was in Ashville over the past few days, enjoying a little break from work and the daily grind. We did some hiking, some relaxing, some southern-food eating, and some craft beer drinking. We didn't have nearly enough time to do everything we wanted to do, so we are already planning Trip Number Two to the AVL.

We were in one of the craft breweries down there (and wow, are there a lot of craft breweries down there) when I saw a poster hanging on the ladies room wall:

I posted it on Twitter with an appreciative comment, because really, how can anyone think taking advantage of someone who is intoxicated isn't sleazy besides legit rapists? And I hashtagged it with #feminist because consent is a feminist topic, y'all (I say y'all now, because I was just in the south. I will be back to my usual usage of the Jersey term "youse" fairly soon, I'm sure) and I think it's good for feminists to be able to see that stuff like this is being posted in bar bathrooms. It's some progress and it felt good to share it.

Oh, but I forgot what a misogynistic asshole Twitter can be. I forgot that there are men who troll the #feminist hashtag just to poke and annoy. I forgot that these men have a sad hobby of trying to degrade people they don't even know, simply because a hashtag makes them feel sad about themselves because women have voices too. But I did remember that I don't need to allow them to poke me to get their jollies.

Some mom's-basement-dweller decided that because I posted the above picture with the comment: "Loving Asheville and its anti-rape, pro-consent efforts in bars," he needed to come for me. His first line of attack was to ask if both people were drunk, were both raped? Then, when I wouldn't bite, he told me I was straw-manning him (I think he needs a dictionary) and called me "bad girl." Again, I would not bite and he came back with how I had no argument and that Twitter is not my personal echo chamber (sorry but yes, Twitter is everyone's own personal echo chamber). And then he called me darling, which ya know, I just love from someone I don't even know and who is coming at me.

In the old days (circa probably 2010, 2011, 2012) I would have fought with this person on the internet until he cried real tears because I could not let anyone think I was weak or that they were right. Because really, this poster says very clearly that taking advantage of someone who is intoxicated is sleazy. If I'm drunk and you're drunk and we have sex, neither took advantage so that's not the issue here. Let's focus on the post at hand. If you are going to troll, do it accurately and not like some amateur.

My point is that now, I was able to just say, "Go away, troll" and let it be. I didn't feel the need to get sucked into an online battle of words with a semi-armed person whose opinion means nothing to me. I am sure enough in my convictions and intent that I don't need to defend myself to this stranger.

I think that's maturity, no? Even if it was done while sampling ALL THE BEER the Asheville had to offer?

Not One of the Guys

So here's the thing about being "one of the guys" - you never really are. They still look at you as the cool girl who likes football and beer, or the cool girl who can tell dirty jokes, or the cool girl who can talk to you about your problems with girls and give you solid advice without being lecture-y or annoying, or the cool girl who finds great memes. You are still not one of the guys.

C has a little texting group and it's all guys plus me. They make jokes about sex and society and all of that, and I'm in on the joke. They include me because I don't take life too seriously (except on this blog where I take everything way too seriously....maybe because I vent here, I can keep my seriousness at bay the rest of the time?).

So the other night, C is complaining about his ex, A. He was telling us about a big argument they had and how awful she is. Honestly, I think he is the one doing something wrong, but I don't judge. It's not my life, and he's a grown man who has to make his own decisions. I didn't express this on this group text - all I said was that it was probably best to unfriend A on Facebook so that she wouldn't see his every move on there.

So everyone is commenting back and forth, basically saying that A should mind her own business and that A is wrong for making life unpleasant by expressing her opinion on something that had to do with their daughter, when my husband says, "Yeah, women suck!" then follows up with, "Oh, sorry, didn't realize you were on this feed, TJG" which yes, of course you did and you were just trying to be cute. I replied "Oh, sorry, didn't realize I just threw out the dinner I made for you, K" (really, a very, very tame comment because I would never emasculate him in front of the boys, as I certainly could have) and then all hell broke loose. Then come the "bitches be crazy" memes and the "feminists are evil - TJG and A are both feminists so they stick together" comments (how was I sticking with A, exactly???) and "TJG, you need to be more of a TJG right now and less of an A" and on and on and on.

What. The. Fuck.

This just showed me that despite probably being on the thread for a year with these guys, joking about everything and being considered one of the guys, they all still went after me (and have never done so with each other) based on my being a woman. The bitch and feminist comments were just so out of line - and what can you say back? At a point like that, if you fight back, it just proves their point. In fact, after that one single comment I made, someone said, "TJG was all, how can I prove the point?"

So basically, I'm, just done. I can't be part of something where as long as I play by their rules, I'm cool but as soon as I disrupt their boycode, I'm a bitch. No thank you.

Then, on top of that, when C wants real advice and wants to talk things through for real, who does he contact? Me. Off line with the boys, he forwarded all of A's emails to me so he could get my take and ask for advice. Which really just proves the point, doesn't it? I'm not one of the boys. I'm a woman with a woman's patience and understanding and ability to give sound advice. When you want to bust balls, you do it with that group. When you want a real conversation, you come to me. However, when we are on that busting-balls thread, you think you can tear me to shreds too? Nope. Not happening.

Random Complaint of the Day

I am going to randomly complain about something that drives me crazy.

So you are just a general internet moron, right, going about your business of chatting with other internet morons about stuff that no one but you and the other morons care about. And that's easy to ignore, because WTF-ever, most people pay no mind to people like you. But then, you start in. You comment on this one's weight. You comment on that one's hair. You comment on this one's clothing. You comment that that one is too old to post pictures of themselves in clothes like that.

And then, you comment about how women should stop using editing software because everyone can tell that they used it. Um, okay, what now?

Are imperfect people just not supposed to ever post pictures of themselves? What makes you the arbiter or what is acceptable to post? Is it just what offends your particular aesthetic, and if so, how should people go about learning what your aesthetic is so we don't incur your wrath for having the gall to post pictures of ourselves?

Now this isn't personal to me. I am just speaking for all imperfect people on the internet. I am confident enough (in my appearance and overall) to let these kinds of comments roll off my back if they were directed towards me. This is just a pet peeve of mine, particularly as a woman, because I feel like we should be lifting each other up and not tearing each other down. But look, people are mean and dumb and we just have to ignore them.

But it's really Part Two of this complaint that makes me the craziest.

As you are ripping people to shreds (as bullies are wont to do), your grammar is atrocious. Your spelling is nearly unreadable. You are grown-ass and yet still write like a 13-year-old from 2005 texts So here you are, tearing someone down for their looks while you are showing how stupid you are.

"Y r U soooo ugly postin picx of urself like dat? Way 2 old 4 a bikkini lollll"

Really? If a thought like that goes through your head at any point of  your life, you are the last person who should be criticizing anything about anyone, ever. Take a good hard look at who you are and how you live, and then just try shutting the fuck up and fixing yourself.

A Lady and Her Bag(s)

But first...It's funny that I used to write on this here blog and people would actually read it and comment, and that due to my writing, I was asked to be on Wife Swap (the original version - I was never a blogging celebrity) when they were looking for crazy, zany wives who like to party! Now, no one reads this and I feel ok about it. It's become somewhat of a repository for random shit I think of during my day, a place where I don't have to worry about pleasing anyone or hurting anyone's feelings. I kind of like that.
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I saw someone on Twitter complaining about a woman who spent $700 or $800 on a purse. The comment was something like, "Why would you spend that much on a purse? I'd have bought food or clothes or something!" I hate this mentality.

I have been very successful in my life. I went to college and studied hard. When I graduated, I was a temporary worker. Then a secretary. Then an HR Assistant (basically, a glorified secretary). I went back to school to advance my studies in my area of expertise. And I was promoted and promoted and promoted. And I have worked my ass off and put up with a lot of shit to get where I am today, with the salary I am making. I am proud of myself, and with good reason. I've earned every penny I have made. And that gives me the right to spend it however I want. My family has food, clothing, a fully-paid-off house, three fully-paid-off cars, numerous vacation each year. My daughter has everything she could possibly want. We have a good savings plan and a college fund for TJK. So tell me this - why does it offend when I want to buy something nice for myself? Is it just jealousy? Do people make those comments because they wish they could buy that Louis Vuitton or Gucci too, but since they can't, they cast it as a negative and as something "frivolous"?

My husband also works very hard. He is in a very different job than I am - his is very physical where mine is mental - but we both work hard and earn very good money for what we do. I don't recall anyone telling him it was wasteful or stupid to buy a motorcycle, and then every accessory to go with it. But somehow, when a woman buys an expensive bag, it's a sin. Why is that? Why are we made to feel that the things we enjoy are silly?