So let's talk about this here since it's impolite and mean to talk badly about other people's children. So while I have talked about this with my husband and will share it with one of my besties, I don't want to come off like I am reveling in the failure of a child. But I am, and I don't really and truly care all that much.
Years ago, I was really good friends with a woman I will call M. She constantly told me that I was like her sister, that no one understood her the way I did, and that I was the only one she could truly confide in. How nice to have a friend like this! Our families spent a lot of time together, going to the movies, dinners, Broadway plays, and hanging out at each other's houses. Our daughters were in the same grade and in the same class, so our families were a perfect fit.
We had a mutual friend, L, whose daughter was also in the same class as our daughters. I never had a problem with L, although I didn't love her parenting and thought her daughter was a bit of a douche. But we were friendly, and M and L were friendly as well.
Then one day at school, L's daughter hit TJK in the head with a rock at aftercare. I am a pretty calm person in these situations, actually - I handled it well, knowing that kids are kids and while I wanted L to handle this with her child, I didn't want aftercare to kick her out or anything. A conversation was needed between the moms. So I called L and we talked it out. Our first discussion did not go so well, and L claimed that there was no way her daughter would do something like this and that TJK must have provoked her in some way. Oh no you didn't just say that my kid was "asking for it" or that she "provoked" violence in some way. That conversation didn't end well, except for L saying that her daughter would be grounded and not allowed at the Halloween dance that night or to go trick-or-treating the following day. That sounded fair to me - there needed to be punishment for the crime.
So, off we go to the Halloween dance and there is L's kid, dancing away as if she had not just assaulted a child with a rock earlier that day. I was pretty upset about it, because it meant to me that L didn't take this seriously. M and I huddled outside to talk it through, and she gave me advice as I confided in her about how I felt.
Trying to make a long story a little shorter, I got a call a couple of weeks later stating that my child had a bullying complaint lodged against her by L. I was furious, despite the school finding that TJK was, of course, not at fault. Now, when this happened, I could have lodged a complaint with the school or with aftercare about L's child, but I did not. I thought we could work it out amongst ourselves and not do any long term damage to the kids. Weeks went by, and then I was talking to my friend S about it. She was like, "I probably shouldn't tell you this, but L told me that M told her that she should lodge the complaint against TJK to preempt anything I might do. That way, if I said that L's kid hit mine with a rock, there would be a complaint of bullying against her already. THIS WAS MY FRIEND, the one who said I was like a sister to her, telling another person to back stab me,
This is why I hate M. I hate L as well, but it doesn't really matter to my life. My kid is in all honors classes and her kid is dumber than the rock she hit TJK with, so they don't even see each other any more. However, M's kid is in every single class with TJK. They are both in all honors, so they see each other all day, every day. TJK isn't fond to M's daughter because, honestly, she is exactly like M. So they aren't friends, but they have the same circle of friends.
Last night, TJK had a friend over and they were talking. I'm so lucky that not only does my kid talk to me, but her friends do, too. Her friend said, Oooh, "TJG, you are going to want to hear this. M's daughter is on probation for Global Studies and if she doesn't pick up her grade next semester, she is going to be kicked out of Honors Global Studies and put into a regular class!" I couldn't help but do a little jig, and I felt a little bad for it because I don't want to be mean to a child...but...I know that with how competitive and over-achiever-like M is, it is tearing her up that her kid is not succeeding in honors classes (my kid got a 96% in that class, bitches). And since M was such an awful person to me and my kid, I can't help but revel just a little bit in her getting a tiny comeuppance. Karma is a bitch.
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
Monday, January 30, 2017
This Is Why I'm Always Tired and I'm Not Mad About it
From the time my alarm goes off on Monday mornings until I leave work on Friday evening, I am tired. Sometimes, it's just a gentle weariness that I know I can push through. Other times, it's a soul-crushing exhaustion that I feel will cause my untimely death. Throughout the work week, I am somewhere on the spectrum of tiredness at all times.
Of course, there is a simple way to alleviate this feeling. Sleep. I could take a weekend day and do nothing. I could sleep in, stay in my jammies all day, order dinner in at 5pm, and get to bed by 8. And sometimes I even have this intention. I decide on Monday, when my eyelids are so heavy I don't think I'll be able to keep them open through one more meeting, that I will take a weekend off from the grind and get some well-deserved rest. Yep, that's the plan.
Then the week wears on and I get antsy. I want to do something fun. I want to try something new. I start seeing ideas for fun things to do over the weekend and think, well, I could just do this one thing. It won't be so bad. Then I start building on that one thing: Hey, you're going to be in Brooklyn anyway, so why not hit up that craft beer bar you've heard so much about?
And that's how my weekend went. Friday night has become all about my kid and her friends. They go ice skating every Friday night, and the hours are less than perfect. So I'm heading out at 8:30pm to drop them off and then again at 10:30 to pick them up. There's no rest for a mom who has just picked up a bunch of high-on-hot-chocolate-and-cute-boys teenage girls. The girls want to talk (and, truth be told, I'm glad they want to talk to me!). My daughter wants to continue the talk when we get home (again: grateful she wants to tell me what's going on!). So yeah, there goes Friday night and it wasn't even exciting.
Hubby and TJK always go to Monster Jam. I cannot for the life of me understand why, but this is something they have done for years. I love it because it should be a quiet night at home for me. Well, I really could have used the quiet night, but since my dad was joining them at MJ, I decided to ask my mom to go see La La Land with me. Ok, so that's a movie, no biggie. Here's how the day ended up: We got up and headed up to Nanuet, where we were supposed to meet up with a friend of Hubby's. So we spent a few hours in Nanuet, bouncing from place to place, drinking beers and talking and having a great time. Then we got home, and my parents were already at our house. So, out we went. Mom and I went for a nice dinner and cocktails and then the movie. By the time we got home, and then they got home, there was no time for rest and little time for sleep.
On Sunday, we got up early and head into Brooklyn for brunch. I had seen something on Facebook about a magic exhibit in Williamsburg, so we head in early to grab a nice hipster brunch before out 1:20 tickets for the magic exhibit. Three and a half hours later, we were still on line for the fucking exhibit. It was insane - so poorly run and so cold out (yes, we were outside for 3 hours in February waiting on line to get into this thing). But once we were in, TJK loved it (she is kind of obsessed with magic right now) so it was worthwhile (sort of). She did get to levitate so that was cool:
But then, we had so many plans for what we were going to do with our afternoon in the BK that even though it was now after 5pm, we still wanted to make the most of our location. So we spent some time at Torst, a great craft beer joint, and then found a bus which had been turned into a teeny cafe, and had drinks there while looking at the skyline from the Brooklyn side, and then hit up our favorite restaurant in Manhattan (The Smith). So we ended up getting home at nearly midnight, on a Sunday night.
I'm telling myself now that next weekend will be quieter, and we will take it easy and get some rest...and even as I say it I know it isn't true. I know I have the best of intentions, but when the weekend comes at me, with all of its enticing opportunities for fun and craziness, I know I won't say no.
But this part is true: I wouldn't have my life any other way. I live for the chaos and I want to do as much as I can while I still can. Exhaustion is just a by-product of a life well-lived.
Of course, there is a simple way to alleviate this feeling. Sleep. I could take a weekend day and do nothing. I could sleep in, stay in my jammies all day, order dinner in at 5pm, and get to bed by 8. And sometimes I even have this intention. I decide on Monday, when my eyelids are so heavy I don't think I'll be able to keep them open through one more meeting, that I will take a weekend off from the grind and get some well-deserved rest. Yep, that's the plan.
Then the week wears on and I get antsy. I want to do something fun. I want to try something new. I start seeing ideas for fun things to do over the weekend and think, well, I could just do this one thing. It won't be so bad. Then I start building on that one thing: Hey, you're going to be in Brooklyn anyway, so why not hit up that craft beer bar you've heard so much about?
And that's how my weekend went. Friday night has become all about my kid and her friends. They go ice skating every Friday night, and the hours are less than perfect. So I'm heading out at 8:30pm to drop them off and then again at 10:30 to pick them up. There's no rest for a mom who has just picked up a bunch of high-on-hot-chocolate-and-cute-boys teenage girls. The girls want to talk (and, truth be told, I'm glad they want to talk to me!). My daughter wants to continue the talk when we get home (again: grateful she wants to tell me what's going on!). So yeah, there goes Friday night and it wasn't even exciting.
Hubby and TJK always go to Monster Jam. I cannot for the life of me understand why, but this is something they have done for years. I love it because it should be a quiet night at home for me. Well, I really could have used the quiet night, but since my dad was joining them at MJ, I decided to ask my mom to go see La La Land with me. Ok, so that's a movie, no biggie. Here's how the day ended up: We got up and headed up to Nanuet, where we were supposed to meet up with a friend of Hubby's. So we spent a few hours in Nanuet, bouncing from place to place, drinking beers and talking and having a great time. Then we got home, and my parents were already at our house. So, out we went. Mom and I went for a nice dinner and cocktails and then the movie. By the time we got home, and then they got home, there was no time for rest and little time for sleep.
On Sunday, we got up early and head into Brooklyn for brunch. I had seen something on Facebook about a magic exhibit in Williamsburg, so we head in early to grab a nice hipster brunch before out 1:20 tickets for the magic exhibit. Three and a half hours later, we were still on line for the fucking exhibit. It was insane - so poorly run and so cold out (yes, we were outside for 3 hours in February waiting on line to get into this thing). But once we were in, TJK loved it (she is kind of obsessed with magic right now) so it was worthwhile (sort of). She did get to levitate so that was cool:
But then, we had so many plans for what we were going to do with our afternoon in the BK that even though it was now after 5pm, we still wanted to make the most of our location. So we spent some time at Torst, a great craft beer joint, and then found a bus which had been turned into a teeny cafe, and had drinks there while looking at the skyline from the Brooklyn side, and then hit up our favorite restaurant in Manhattan (The Smith). So we ended up getting home at nearly midnight, on a Sunday night.
I'm telling myself now that next weekend will be quieter, and we will take it easy and get some rest...and even as I say it I know it isn't true. I know I have the best of intentions, but when the weekend comes at me, with all of its enticing opportunities for fun and craziness, I know I won't say no.
But this part is true: I wouldn't have my life any other way. I live for the chaos and I want to do as much as I can while I still can. Exhaustion is just a by-product of a life well-lived.
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
Where I'm Going in 2017
It's official. I'm going stir crazy in Jersey.
Yes, we do lots of stuff. We are out and about every weekend and most weeknights doing this or that. Whether it's an exhibit at a gallery in NYC or checking out a new brewery or simply going to the movies and dinner, we are people who do not know how to rest. We go all the time. So it's not like I'm bored or stagnant.
I just want to pack a bag and hit the road and leave life behind for a few days. That is what keeps me going.
The last trip I went on was to Belize and Honduras in November, so it's been only 2 months...but our next trip isn't till April so I am getting cranky about being home instead of somewhere that gets me going. I think all of our major trips are planned for the year (we always throw in some little long weekends here and there, and those are still in the planning stages). So here's what's on deck:
April: Chicago for a few days, and then Grand Rapids, Michigan for a few days. This might not thrill some people, but I happen to ADORE Chicago and can't wait to check out the beer scene in Grand Rapids. And TJK is super excited because her major bucket list goal is to go to all 50 states. She has been to more states than most adults, so she is well on her way. She has been to Chicago already, but she has never been to Michigan...plus we will have the drive through Indiana as well so she'll get to check off 2 new states (and Michigan is a new one for me, too!). It may be a little chilly in April, but I am looking forward to being in Chicago off-season and enjoying the architecture, the Bean, the Art Institute, and the deep dish pizza! And, for the kiddo who wants to be a rocket scientist, a trip to the planetarium will be stellar. In Grand Rapids, we will mostly do beer stuff, but I'm also excited to see the Ai Wei Wei exhibit at the Frederik Meijer Gardens, too.
May: CUBA! Hubby and I are going to celebrate our anniversary by finally taking the trip to Cuba that I have been wanting to take forever. I am SO excited about it, and hope we can get this trip in before Our Cheeto President decides to undo all the progress we have made with Cuba. We will spend a few days in Havana and then a few days in other areas of the country. It will be an intense trip, as it is a people-to-people trip where you spend time learning about the culture, art, music, cigars, farms, etc. I love that kind of stuff so I am really psyched to do it. Hubby prefers to sightsee on his own (as do I, honestly, but I know it's not an option yet in Cuba), so he may struggle with the itinerary but I think it's going to be life-changing for us. I wish TJK could come along, but it's a very expensive trip so she's going to have to wait a few years till prices come down. In fact, our other trips this year are less-than-fantastic because of the cost of this trip, so I hope that putting off Budapest another year is worth it!
June: Captiva Island. We went last year with some friends, and while they can't go again this year, we decided it was so much fun and so relaxing that we wanted to do it again. We are staying at the same gorgeous resort and can't wait to lie on the beach and look for shells and drink frozen drinks and eat at great restaurants and basically chill for a week.
August: Toronto. We had planned to go to Toronto last year and then replaced it with Vancouver and Whistler. I was happy about that choice, and now I am happy to be going to Toronto. We are going to drive up there, which hubby loves and I dread, but it'll be fine. We will stop at Niagara Falls since TJK has never been there (and it's been a longggg time since we have been there at all) and spend the night before heading to Toronto the next day. I am kind of excited about our hotel room there - we got a suite that overlooks the Falls. It should be awesome. I have to admit that I don't remember too much about Toronto so it's going to take some research to figure out what there is to do there. We will definitely hit the Hockey Hall of Fame, which I remember loving.Other than that...I'm not quite sure yet, but it'll all come together.
November: Pittsburgh, possibly. We are waiting on this one until we get the Steelers' schedule for next year. We always do something for Teacher's Convention weekend, and we are hoping they will have a Sunday 1pm game at home that weekend so we can drive out on Thursday and come home Sunday night. If the game doesn't work out, I have no idea what we will do. Maybe Vermont again? Maybe Maine again? I think it'll be somewhere we can drive (trying to cut those costs due to Cuba), and I think we have seen everything within driving distance! (Which, truly, is a good problem to have).
All in all, a pretty good year. Not as exotic as I usually like, but I'm dialing everything else back so we can go to Cuba. Next year is a big anniversary for us, so we have already planned to go to Hawaii to celebrate. That's where we went for our honeymoon and it was so wonderful. We can't wait to show it all to TJK and see how it has changed over the years. The only downside is that, again, it's a big and expensive trip so everything else will be scaled back. I'm thinking that will keep me from Budapest (again) and Scotland (where I'm dying to go to see my family!), and it will also keep me from swimming with the piggies in the Exumas. But maybe 2019 will have us going to all three of those dream locations!
Yes, we do lots of stuff. We are out and about every weekend and most weeknights doing this or that. Whether it's an exhibit at a gallery in NYC or checking out a new brewery or simply going to the movies and dinner, we are people who do not know how to rest. We go all the time. So it's not like I'm bored or stagnant.
I just want to pack a bag and hit the road and leave life behind for a few days. That is what keeps me going.
The last trip I went on was to Belize and Honduras in November, so it's been only 2 months...but our next trip isn't till April so I am getting cranky about being home instead of somewhere that gets me going. I think all of our major trips are planned for the year (we always throw in some little long weekends here and there, and those are still in the planning stages). So here's what's on deck:
April: Chicago for a few days, and then Grand Rapids, Michigan for a few days. This might not thrill some people, but I happen to ADORE Chicago and can't wait to check out the beer scene in Grand Rapids. And TJK is super excited because her major bucket list goal is to go to all 50 states. She has been to more states than most adults, so she is well on her way. She has been to Chicago already, but she has never been to Michigan...plus we will have the drive through Indiana as well so she'll get to check off 2 new states (and Michigan is a new one for me, too!). It may be a little chilly in April, but I am looking forward to being in Chicago off-season and enjoying the architecture, the Bean, the Art Institute, and the deep dish pizza! And, for the kiddo who wants to be a rocket scientist, a trip to the planetarium will be stellar. In Grand Rapids, we will mostly do beer stuff, but I'm also excited to see the Ai Wei Wei exhibit at the Frederik Meijer Gardens, too.
May: CUBA! Hubby and I are going to celebrate our anniversary by finally taking the trip to Cuba that I have been wanting to take forever. I am SO excited about it, and hope we can get this trip in before Our Cheeto President decides to undo all the progress we have made with Cuba. We will spend a few days in Havana and then a few days in other areas of the country. It will be an intense trip, as it is a people-to-people trip where you spend time learning about the culture, art, music, cigars, farms, etc. I love that kind of stuff so I am really psyched to do it. Hubby prefers to sightsee on his own (as do I, honestly, but I know it's not an option yet in Cuba), so he may struggle with the itinerary but I think it's going to be life-changing for us. I wish TJK could come along, but it's a very expensive trip so she's going to have to wait a few years till prices come down. In fact, our other trips this year are less-than-fantastic because of the cost of this trip, so I hope that putting off Budapest another year is worth it!
June: Captiva Island. We went last year with some friends, and while they can't go again this year, we decided it was so much fun and so relaxing that we wanted to do it again. We are staying at the same gorgeous resort and can't wait to lie on the beach and look for shells and drink frozen drinks and eat at great restaurants and basically chill for a week.
August: Toronto. We had planned to go to Toronto last year and then replaced it with Vancouver and Whistler. I was happy about that choice, and now I am happy to be going to Toronto. We are going to drive up there, which hubby loves and I dread, but it'll be fine. We will stop at Niagara Falls since TJK has never been there (and it's been a longggg time since we have been there at all) and spend the night before heading to Toronto the next day. I am kind of excited about our hotel room there - we got a suite that overlooks the Falls. It should be awesome. I have to admit that I don't remember too much about Toronto so it's going to take some research to figure out what there is to do there. We will definitely hit the Hockey Hall of Fame, which I remember loving.Other than that...I'm not quite sure yet, but it'll all come together.
November: Pittsburgh, possibly. We are waiting on this one until we get the Steelers' schedule for next year. We always do something for Teacher's Convention weekend, and we are hoping they will have a Sunday 1pm game at home that weekend so we can drive out on Thursday and come home Sunday night. If the game doesn't work out, I have no idea what we will do. Maybe Vermont again? Maybe Maine again? I think it'll be somewhere we can drive (trying to cut those costs due to Cuba), and I think we have seen everything within driving distance! (Which, truly, is a good problem to have).
All in all, a pretty good year. Not as exotic as I usually like, but I'm dialing everything else back so we can go to Cuba. Next year is a big anniversary for us, so we have already planned to go to Hawaii to celebrate. That's where we went for our honeymoon and it was so wonderful. We can't wait to show it all to TJK and see how it has changed over the years. The only downside is that, again, it's a big and expensive trip so everything else will be scaled back. I'm thinking that will keep me from Budapest (again) and Scotland (where I'm dying to go to see my family!), and it will also keep me from swimming with the piggies in the Exumas. But maybe 2019 will have us going to all three of those dream locations!
Monday, January 23, 2017
A Whiplash of Feelings Over the Political Weekend
Well, there's a lot on my mind today, following the inauguration of the Cheeto and the magnificence of the Women's Marches. Friday felt like a day of despair, knowing that the Obamas leaving the White House meant yuge changes for our country - changes that even those who supported him do not expect nor want. It felt like such a dark day, like I had to brace myself for the next four years of this man as our leader. It was hard to feel hopeful about the future and I felt myself getting depressed and downright angry about it.
Saturday was a day of resurgence - while I wasn't able to march (it KILLED me that I couldn't!), I watched on tv and social media all day while millions of my sisters marched for the rights of women, the LGBT community, communities of color, and healthcare, and against sexism, racism, xenophobia, Islamophobia, and homophobia. It filled me with joy to see all of these human beings joining together to march not only in DC, NYC, and LA, but in tiny towns and medium cities across America and the entire world (including friggin' Antarctica!). While it upset me to see some Facebook friends stating that the march wasn't necessary because they personally are doing just fine (wow, self-centered much?), most of my feed was of friends who had personally attended marches or who were in full support. It felt like a good day filled with hope and promise.
Then on Sunday, I took TJK, who wants to be a rocket scientist, to see Hidden Figures at the movies. It blew my mind how amazing this movie was and how timely its release was. These three brilliant women were held back because of their gender and skin color, held down at every step by the government and the system and their employers and even some of their loved ones...only to triumph monumentally in the end. It was so incredibly inspiring, and following the day of marches on Saturday, it made my heart smile. Hope had returned.
And in my own reality, my Sunday went something like this: hubby, kiddo and I went to the movies; hubby and I went food shopping together; the three of us cooked a big dinner together with all of us prepping, cooking, and cleaning up afterwards; and finally, all three of us watched football together, with my husband and daughter in their Steelers jerseys complaining together about the loss. It made me see that the way my own life has turned out falls right in line with my moral stance on how life should be: we all food shopped, we all cooked; we all cleaned, we all watched football; we are all equals in my house. And that is what I believe should be the norm.
This, to me, is a big part of being a feminist: living your own truth and walking the walk. We don't fall into stereotypical gender roles - we are equals. We help each other. My money is his money, and vice versa. We are a team. He takes care of me, and I take care of him. And my daughter sees that, and she thinks it's odd when she is at a friend's house and the dad sits on the couch watching football while the mom cooks after both have worked all week and could use a rest. As a mother of a daughter, I am so proud of the example we are setting for her.
As Monday wears on and I hear about the anti-abortion orders President Cheeto is signing, I feel the despair start to creep back in. But I won't let it. Good wins in the end. I know it does. And while he and his unseemly minions will certainly win many battles in their positions of power, I know that what's right will win the war.
Saturday was a day of resurgence - while I wasn't able to march (it KILLED me that I couldn't!), I watched on tv and social media all day while millions of my sisters marched for the rights of women, the LGBT community, communities of color, and healthcare, and against sexism, racism, xenophobia, Islamophobia, and homophobia. It filled me with joy to see all of these human beings joining together to march not only in DC, NYC, and LA, but in tiny towns and medium cities across America and the entire world (including friggin' Antarctica!). While it upset me to see some Facebook friends stating that the march wasn't necessary because they personally are doing just fine (wow, self-centered much?), most of my feed was of friends who had personally attended marches or who were in full support. It felt like a good day filled with hope and promise.
Then on Sunday, I took TJK, who wants to be a rocket scientist, to see Hidden Figures at the movies. It blew my mind how amazing this movie was and how timely its release was. These three brilliant women were held back because of their gender and skin color, held down at every step by the government and the system and their employers and even some of their loved ones...only to triumph monumentally in the end. It was so incredibly inspiring, and following the day of marches on Saturday, it made my heart smile. Hope had returned.
And in my own reality, my Sunday went something like this: hubby, kiddo and I went to the movies; hubby and I went food shopping together; the three of us cooked a big dinner together with all of us prepping, cooking, and cleaning up afterwards; and finally, all three of us watched football together, with my husband and daughter in their Steelers jerseys complaining together about the loss. It made me see that the way my own life has turned out falls right in line with my moral stance on how life should be: we all food shopped, we all cooked; we all cleaned, we all watched football; we are all equals in my house. And that is what I believe should be the norm.
This, to me, is a big part of being a feminist: living your own truth and walking the walk. We don't fall into stereotypical gender roles - we are equals. We help each other. My money is his money, and vice versa. We are a team. He takes care of me, and I take care of him. And my daughter sees that, and she thinks it's odd when she is at a friend's house and the dad sits on the couch watching football while the mom cooks after both have worked all week and could use a rest. As a mother of a daughter, I am so proud of the example we are setting for her.
As Monday wears on and I hear about the anti-abortion orders President Cheeto is signing, I feel the despair start to creep back in. But I won't let it. Good wins in the end. I know it does. And while he and his unseemly minions will certainly win many battles in their positions of power, I know that what's right will win the war.
Thursday, January 05, 2017
Come at me, 2017
I have to admit that while 2016 was rough on a global-scale (can you say "orange president"?), my 2016 was actually really good personally. I traveled a lot and knocked a few things off my bucket list (Lisbon! Southern Portugal! Honduras! Belize!), while still taking some of my travel time to relax and unwind (instead of always needing a vacation when I come back from my vacation because I've run myself ragged). My daughter is such a superstar, and she had a great year - and when your kids are doing well, you do well. She started middle school, in all very challenging honors classes, without a hitch. She made so many new friends, auditioned for and got a major part in the school play, and has a bright and busy social life. She is happy and that makes me happy. My husband and I are in just such a great place, too. We are enjoying the time we spend together, laughing, having fun, and being best friends. My parents are happy and (mostly) healthy, and we have had some pretty good times with them over the year as well. I have shed some friends who were better left in the past, and made some new ones who brighten my outlook...and have even caused me to leave some of the my cynicism behind.
(Ok, not all of it. I'm still cynical and sarcastic and that won't ever change. But I do realize that the negativity was weighing me down and making me less happy. And I've reduced that, and I feel good about it.)
So, here we are in 2017. I don't really believe in the whole "new year, new you" thing. Like, the change of a calendar doesn't mean a change in you. But I do think the end of another year gives you the opportunity to look at yourself closely and figure out what has been working for you and what hasn't.
What's working for me? My travel goals are nearly perfect. I love how I'm able to travel often and to unique and interesting places. I wish I could travel more, but with 4 weeks of vacation from work, I do the best I can. This year will be a little different because we are going to Cuba, which costs an arm and a leg, so our other trips will have to be scaled back. No Budapest or Scotland or Istanbul, as I had hoped. It looks like it'll be Cuba, Toronto, Captiva Island, and maybe Chicago or Vermont. I hate the idea of only one new place this year, but Cuba will make it all worthwhile. What makes me a little sad is that for 2018, we will be doing a big anniversary trip to Hawaii, so that will make the rest of our trips small again next year. I know, poor me.
What else is working? My approach to motherhood is working. I couldn't have a better, smarter, cooler kid and I know that while some of that is just in her genes, some is my influence. And now that she's 13, my influence may seem to wane as her friends grow in importance...but I know she is still listening. I have to keep on momming the way I am now, because it's working. And I can keep on wife-ing the way I am now, as well...while putting in a little more effort, perhaps. He spoils me so much (not just with material things, but with all the "stuff" he does) and I need to figure out how to spoil him back a little more.
And what isn't working? While I don't set the whole "lose 10 pounds" goals at the beginning of the year, I am setting health goals. I need my ass up off the couch more. I need to fuel my body in healthier ways. And while I love my craft beer more'n my luggage, I need to drink less of it. I want to start hiking again, and maybe kickboxing and yoga. I got so lazy this year, and I miss the endorphins of a good workout and the feelings of strength that follow.
What else isn't working? I want to stop letting negativity influence me. I let that happen too much in 2016. If something is bringing me down, stop doing it. This can apply to my obsession with politics (which has definitely lessened since the election - it is too depressing, so I've minimized my exposure) or to friends who focus on complaining about the bad parts of life, or even to social media (where I have been mostly absent because frankly, I'm bored of it). I want to focus on the fun and joyous parts of life - and truly, I am so lucky to say that my life is full of joy and that I have more fun than should be allowed by law. There is so much good to focus on, and I want to seek out those moments and be present in those moments and simply revel in how good life can be.
Slightly off topic (but not really) - I planned a get-together in NYC for my extended family to meet up with our visiting family from Scotland. A bunch of us went in early - with the "adults" concerned about timing and about how we would fill our time until we had to meet, and with some just sourpussing it through the whole day. We went to see the Rock Center tree (so nice after the holiday crowds have gone!) and then walked to the Plaza, where I had the idea to get some fancy cocktails and pretend to be fancy people for an hour or so. We did just that, and it was such a nice little break in the day - impromptu and totally fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants - and it was fantastic. We then met our Scotland fam (after a small walk across town that left some sourpusses complaining, again), and had an amazing time. Now don't get me wrong - it took a lot of effort to get this whole thing planned, with more pushback than help from the rest of the family. But the effort was so worth it, and it was such a memorable day. This weekend we are headed back to NYC to see an art exhibit and my parents are coming with us. I'm excited about planning a fun day for them and trying some new things while we are there. THAT is what the new year feels like to me - make the effort, take some chances, reap the fun rewards.
In all, 2017 is probably going to globally suck. Our Cheeto President is going to mess up the world and the Republicans will cheer it and the Democrats will do nothing to stop it. But I have realized that there is little I can do about that (yes, I call my representatives to express my concerns, yes, I vote in every single election no matter how small, yes, I stay educated on global and local politics) and I have come to terms with the fact that I am mostly powerless and it is futile to think otherwise). But 2017 for me, personally, has all the potential in the world to be a great year and I am approaching it as such.
(Ok, not all of it. I'm still cynical and sarcastic and that won't ever change. But I do realize that the negativity was weighing me down and making me less happy. And I've reduced that, and I feel good about it.)
So, here we are in 2017. I don't really believe in the whole "new year, new you" thing. Like, the change of a calendar doesn't mean a change in you. But I do think the end of another year gives you the opportunity to look at yourself closely and figure out what has been working for you and what hasn't.
What's working for me? My travel goals are nearly perfect. I love how I'm able to travel often and to unique and interesting places. I wish I could travel more, but with 4 weeks of vacation from work, I do the best I can. This year will be a little different because we are going to Cuba, which costs an arm and a leg, so our other trips will have to be scaled back. No Budapest or Scotland or Istanbul, as I had hoped. It looks like it'll be Cuba, Toronto, Captiva Island, and maybe Chicago or Vermont. I hate the idea of only one new place this year, but Cuba will make it all worthwhile. What makes me a little sad is that for 2018, we will be doing a big anniversary trip to Hawaii, so that will make the rest of our trips small again next year. I know, poor me.
What else is working? My approach to motherhood is working. I couldn't have a better, smarter, cooler kid and I know that while some of that is just in her genes, some is my influence. And now that she's 13, my influence may seem to wane as her friends grow in importance...but I know she is still listening. I have to keep on momming the way I am now, because it's working. And I can keep on wife-ing the way I am now, as well...while putting in a little more effort, perhaps. He spoils me so much (not just with material things, but with all the "stuff" he does) and I need to figure out how to spoil him back a little more.
And what isn't working? While I don't set the whole "lose 10 pounds" goals at the beginning of the year, I am setting health goals. I need my ass up off the couch more. I need to fuel my body in healthier ways. And while I love my craft beer more'n my luggage, I need to drink less of it. I want to start hiking again, and maybe kickboxing and yoga. I got so lazy this year, and I miss the endorphins of a good workout and the feelings of strength that follow.
What else isn't working? I want to stop letting negativity influence me. I let that happen too much in 2016. If something is bringing me down, stop doing it. This can apply to my obsession with politics (which has definitely lessened since the election - it is too depressing, so I've minimized my exposure) or to friends who focus on complaining about the bad parts of life, or even to social media (where I have been mostly absent because frankly, I'm bored of it). I want to focus on the fun and joyous parts of life - and truly, I am so lucky to say that my life is full of joy and that I have more fun than should be allowed by law. There is so much good to focus on, and I want to seek out those moments and be present in those moments and simply revel in how good life can be.
Slightly off topic (but not really) - I planned a get-together in NYC for my extended family to meet up with our visiting family from Scotland. A bunch of us went in early - with the "adults" concerned about timing and about how we would fill our time until we had to meet, and with some just sourpussing it through the whole day. We went to see the Rock Center tree (so nice after the holiday crowds have gone!) and then walked to the Plaza, where I had the idea to get some fancy cocktails and pretend to be fancy people for an hour or so. We did just that, and it was such a nice little break in the day - impromptu and totally fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants - and it was fantastic. We then met our Scotland fam (after a small walk across town that left some sourpusses complaining, again), and had an amazing time. Now don't get me wrong - it took a lot of effort to get this whole thing planned, with more pushback than help from the rest of the family. But the effort was so worth it, and it was such a memorable day. This weekend we are headed back to NYC to see an art exhibit and my parents are coming with us. I'm excited about planning a fun day for them and trying some new things while we are there. THAT is what the new year feels like to me - make the effort, take some chances, reap the fun rewards.
In all, 2017 is probably going to globally suck. Our Cheeto President is going to mess up the world and the Republicans will cheer it and the Democrats will do nothing to stop it. But I have realized that there is little I can do about that (yes, I call my representatives to express my concerns, yes, I vote in every single election no matter how small, yes, I stay educated on global and local politics) and I have come to terms with the fact that I am mostly powerless and it is futile to think otherwise). But 2017 for me, personally, has all the potential in the world to be a great year and I am approaching it as such.
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
Ball of Confusion
Its so confusing sometimes. I feel like the world is falling apart in so many ways. Terrorism is on the rise all over the world and it makes life so scary. There are threats to peace and safety at every turn, it seems. Our President-Elect is an insane person who is not qualified to lead this country, and while I have largely tuned out from politics, I am still reading enough to know we are on a bad path as he fills his cabinet with loonies. The environment is in complete peril and a whole segment of the population doesn't even believe it, so how can we begin to consider fixing it? And people are so stressed out and mean and only in it for themselves. The level of entitlement people feel is out of control. Everything seems dark to me right now, like is becoming a world I won't even want to live in within the next several years. I feel despondent and full of dark grey space. I often want to just move to the middle of Montana where there is no crime and no traffic and no one there to even be part of my day-to-day existence.
And yet.
I have my daughter. She is a shining light in the world. She is smart, incredibly kind, loving, and thoughtful. When I think about her, I think about all the wonderful things I know she will accomplish. Right now she legit wants to be a rocket scientist, and she is capable of that. Sometimes I think she will be a lawyer, and sometimes I think she will be a doctor. And sometimes I think she will join the peace corps and help refugees. She has so much in her that is good and wise, especially for a 13-year old, and I can't wait to see what she does with all that goodness when she grows up.
But how do I reconcile those two things? How do I think the world is not even going to make it much longer, and even if it does, it's going to be a horrible, ugly, unpleasant place to live...while contemplating what my child is going to be and how she will contribute positively?
I think it comes from knowing that my kid is a bright sun in a dark world, and that her light will be strong enough to keep at least a teeny part of the world illuminated. It comes from faith in good triumphing over evil, even if the struggle between the two takes a long time. It comes from looking into her face and seeing innocence and wonder, and knowing that there are millions of other kids out there with the same innocence and wonder, and in turn, knowing that those children are the bright lights in their parents' hearts.
Somehow, I still find hope.
And yet.
I have my daughter. She is a shining light in the world. She is smart, incredibly kind, loving, and thoughtful. When I think about her, I think about all the wonderful things I know she will accomplish. Right now she legit wants to be a rocket scientist, and she is capable of that. Sometimes I think she will be a lawyer, and sometimes I think she will be a doctor. And sometimes I think she will join the peace corps and help refugees. She has so much in her that is good and wise, especially for a 13-year old, and I can't wait to see what she does with all that goodness when she grows up.
But how do I reconcile those two things? How do I think the world is not even going to make it much longer, and even if it does, it's going to be a horrible, ugly, unpleasant place to live...while contemplating what my child is going to be and how she will contribute positively?
I think it comes from knowing that my kid is a bright sun in a dark world, and that her light will be strong enough to keep at least a teeny part of the world illuminated. It comes from faith in good triumphing over evil, even if the struggle between the two takes a long time. It comes from looking into her face and seeing innocence and wonder, and knowing that there are millions of other kids out there with the same innocence and wonder, and in turn, knowing that those children are the bright lights in their parents' hearts.
Somehow, I still find hope.
Tuesday, September 20, 2016
I Am Angry
I was going to write a long screed on divorce and children from a logical and thoughtful perspective, but I just can't do that today. Maybe on another day, but not today.
Today I am angry. I am angry that one parent can go to court and sully the reputation of the other parent in order to deny him equal custody of their child. I am angry that a schedule that was working so well for the child is now disrupted because of the evilness and vindictiveness of one parent. I am angry that a mother would use her child as a weapon and a pawn. I am angry that one parent would withhold time with the child from the other parent as a punishment. I am angry that a good father is now being denied his due time with his daughter.
As a feminist, I never believed that the system was rigged against fathers. I honestly thought that when mothers got full custody, there were good reasons for it. It wasn't just that women were thought to be caregivers and men weren't - there had to be more to the story that we didn't know about. And now, I can honestly say that that's bullshit. This judge took everything the mother said at face value, no real evidence, no real proof, and took a child from her father. She even said, "you were married for 10 years, the wife would know best."
My heart is breaking for both the dad and the child. He is devastated and doesn't know how he is going to go on. He can't bear to think of seeing his child every other weekend when he had her for a week at a time and got to do homework with her, cook her dinner, put her to bed...all the things a dad wants to be able to do for his daughter. And she is going to miss out on spending all that time with this fun-loving guy who worships the ground his daughter walks on and would do anything for her. As a mom of a daughter (and a daughter of a father), I know just how important fathers are to their daughters. They are the first man we love, and if there is no first man around during your formative years...what do you learn? That men aren't there for you? That men desert you? That men don't care? WHY would any woman want her daughter to have that influence if they didn't have to? WHY would any woman deny her child the right to see her father when he has done nothing to deserve this?
Right now, I am just fucking angry and I have no outlet for my anger. It's so hard to believe that someone you once loved enough to stand up in front of your family and friends and declare that love for could do something so heinous and cruel. I can't help but wonder if the woman is happy. Is she pleased with herself? Does she feel successful? Is she high-fiving her dirtbag lawyer on the way they stole a child from her father today?
Today, I am angry. And I feel helpless that there is nothing I can do to help fix the situation. I am angry at myself for not being even more forceful that he use a serious lawyer on this. I am angry at myself for ever considering this woman a friend and for inviting her into my family and into my circle of friends and into my heart. I am just angry. And I feel like the anger will dissipate with time and just become deep-rooted sadness that will stay with me forever.
Today I am angry. I am angry that one parent can go to court and sully the reputation of the other parent in order to deny him equal custody of their child. I am angry that a schedule that was working so well for the child is now disrupted because of the evilness and vindictiveness of one parent. I am angry that a mother would use her child as a weapon and a pawn. I am angry that one parent would withhold time with the child from the other parent as a punishment. I am angry that a good father is now being denied his due time with his daughter.
As a feminist, I never believed that the system was rigged against fathers. I honestly thought that when mothers got full custody, there were good reasons for it. It wasn't just that women were thought to be caregivers and men weren't - there had to be more to the story that we didn't know about. And now, I can honestly say that that's bullshit. This judge took everything the mother said at face value, no real evidence, no real proof, and took a child from her father. She even said, "you were married for 10 years, the wife would know best."
My heart is breaking for both the dad and the child. He is devastated and doesn't know how he is going to go on. He can't bear to think of seeing his child every other weekend when he had her for a week at a time and got to do homework with her, cook her dinner, put her to bed...all the things a dad wants to be able to do for his daughter. And she is going to miss out on spending all that time with this fun-loving guy who worships the ground his daughter walks on and would do anything for her. As a mom of a daughter (and a daughter of a father), I know just how important fathers are to their daughters. They are the first man we love, and if there is no first man around during your formative years...what do you learn? That men aren't there for you? That men desert you? That men don't care? WHY would any woman want her daughter to have that influence if they didn't have to? WHY would any woman deny her child the right to see her father when he has done nothing to deserve this?
Right now, I am just fucking angry and I have no outlet for my anger. It's so hard to believe that someone you once loved enough to stand up in front of your family and friends and declare that love for could do something so heinous and cruel. I can't help but wonder if the woman is happy. Is she pleased with herself? Does she feel successful? Is she high-fiving her dirtbag lawyer on the way they stole a child from her father today?
Today, I am angry. And I feel helpless that there is nothing I can do to help fix the situation. I am angry at myself for not being even more forceful that he use a serious lawyer on this. I am angry at myself for ever considering this woman a friend and for inviting her into my family and into my circle of friends and into my heart. I am just angry. And I feel like the anger will dissipate with time and just become deep-rooted sadness that will stay with me forever.
Thursday, June 30, 2016
Commitments
I think one of the most important things you do as a parent is prepare them for life outside of your home. Real life. Life at work, with friends, with a future partner. Life when it's great and life when it's hard and dark and painful. You teach them their value so they accept no less than the best from their friends and lovers. You teach them respect so they treat others well and expect the same in return. You teach them sticktoittiveness so they learn perseverance and stamina and ability to work through the hard times to get back to the good times.
These are hard lessons to teach kids sometimes. It's so much easier to let them make their every decision in a way that makes them happy at the moment. They don't really understand the hard decisions most of the time, and they think you are being mean by not just letting them get what they want. Instant gratification is okay for tweens, but adults who can't see past the moment at hand are bad employees, selfish friends, and terrible husbands/wives. And the whole job of parenting, in my opinion, is raising solid, happy, productive adults...not overgrown children.
Recently, this has come to a head with one of TJK's friends. It's an ongoing issue and it has come up repeatedly over the years, but now it's becoming a real problem. TJK and her friend are in a 3 week camp together. There was talk of carpooling for drop off and pickup and of all the great aftercare classes offered in this camp.The girls were looking forward to it.
We are now on day four of camp. TJK's friend has not gone to aftercare once, despite her mom telling me that she was going to go every day for at least the first week to see which classes she wanted to take. TJK is disappointed, but she is fine. She has made other friends and is loving aftercare. I am annoyed that I have to do drop off and pick up every day instead of splitting it as I'd hoped, but I'll get over it. No biggie.
The bigger issue to me is the way this kid is allowed to do whatever she wants. She committed to this with my daughter, with me, with her mom - not to mention that her mom paid for it and isn't attending! - and she has been allowed to skip it every day because she feels like it. What lesson is this teaching your child?
A couple of years ago, the girls went to another camp together (again, we were supposed to carpool...). On day one, they walked to a park for lunch and there was a homeless man there, sitting on a park bench. Not for nothing, but this is not unheard of, and if you live in the greater NYC area, it's something you get used to seeing. The man didn't approach or talk to or interact with the kids at all - just sat on the bench. Well, this child was so freaked out on day one that she did not return to camp. At all. Her mother allowed her to bail because she was uncomfortable at a park with a group of 20 kids and several counselors and one homeless man. She allowed her to ditch camp completely, leaving TJK and me in a lurch.
Even this past weekend, we had plans to go away with girl and her mom (we are good friends with them, honestly, and I do love the mom). We bought tickets to an event, made hotel reservations, laid out our plan of attack for the drive and our time away. They did go with us, but at one point the mom said to me, "I was so afraid she was going to get up this morning and say she was too tired to go and we would have to cancel."
WHAT.
If TJK got up and said she was too tired, I would tell her to take a nap in the car because we have plans and money had already been spent. It would never occur to me that I should cancel or rearrange our plans because of what TJK wants or doesn't want at that moment. She is involved in the decision-making process, but once she commits, she is committed.
I get that it's easier to allow your kids to run the show, and that it's not fun when you have to say no and they get mad at you. It's hard to have the center of your universe angry with you and think you are mean and, even worse, not cool. But that's parenting. It's not easy.
I feel badly for TJK, who had these three weeks of camp planned out with her friend and now has to rearrange and reset her expectations. She asked me if she, too, could skip aftercare because her friend was skipping. I told her no. She committed to going and she is going to go. And she was not happy with me and I can live with that. I know that her being miserable today is teaching her something valuable: that you stand by what you say and you do what you said you were going to do. In a few years, I know these lessons will pay off. And I am afraid that her friend will be left expecting the world to curve to her will and not knowing how to cope when it refuses to.
These are hard lessons to teach kids sometimes. It's so much easier to let them make their every decision in a way that makes them happy at the moment. They don't really understand the hard decisions most of the time, and they think you are being mean by not just letting them get what they want. Instant gratification is okay for tweens, but adults who can't see past the moment at hand are bad employees, selfish friends, and terrible husbands/wives. And the whole job of parenting, in my opinion, is raising solid, happy, productive adults...not overgrown children.
Recently, this has come to a head with one of TJK's friends. It's an ongoing issue and it has come up repeatedly over the years, but now it's becoming a real problem. TJK and her friend are in a 3 week camp together. There was talk of carpooling for drop off and pickup and of all the great aftercare classes offered in this camp.The girls were looking forward to it.
We are now on day four of camp. TJK's friend has not gone to aftercare once, despite her mom telling me that she was going to go every day for at least the first week to see which classes she wanted to take. TJK is disappointed, but she is fine. She has made other friends and is loving aftercare. I am annoyed that I have to do drop off and pick up every day instead of splitting it as I'd hoped, but I'll get over it. No biggie.
The bigger issue to me is the way this kid is allowed to do whatever she wants. She committed to this with my daughter, with me, with her mom - not to mention that her mom paid for it and isn't attending! - and she has been allowed to skip it every day because she feels like it. What lesson is this teaching your child?
A couple of years ago, the girls went to another camp together (again, we were supposed to carpool...). On day one, they walked to a park for lunch and there was a homeless man there, sitting on a park bench. Not for nothing, but this is not unheard of, and if you live in the greater NYC area, it's something you get used to seeing. The man didn't approach or talk to or interact with the kids at all - just sat on the bench. Well, this child was so freaked out on day one that she did not return to camp. At all. Her mother allowed her to bail because she was uncomfortable at a park with a group of 20 kids and several counselors and one homeless man. She allowed her to ditch camp completely, leaving TJK and me in a lurch.
Even this past weekend, we had plans to go away with girl and her mom (we are good friends with them, honestly, and I do love the mom). We bought tickets to an event, made hotel reservations, laid out our plan of attack for the drive and our time away. They did go with us, but at one point the mom said to me, "I was so afraid she was going to get up this morning and say she was too tired to go and we would have to cancel."
WHAT.
If TJK got up and said she was too tired, I would tell her to take a nap in the car because we have plans and money had already been spent. It would never occur to me that I should cancel or rearrange our plans because of what TJK wants or doesn't want at that moment. She is involved in the decision-making process, but once she commits, she is committed.
I get that it's easier to allow your kids to run the show, and that it's not fun when you have to say no and they get mad at you. It's hard to have the center of your universe angry with you and think you are mean and, even worse, not cool. But that's parenting. It's not easy.
I feel badly for TJK, who had these three weeks of camp planned out with her friend and now has to rearrange and reset her expectations. She asked me if she, too, could skip aftercare because her friend was skipping. I told her no. She committed to going and she is going to go. And she was not happy with me and I can live with that. I know that her being miserable today is teaching her something valuable: that you stand by what you say and you do what you said you were going to do. In a few years, I know these lessons will pay off. And I am afraid that her friend will be left expecting the world to curve to her will and not knowing how to cope when it refuses to.
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Another Impact of Divorce
Friends of mine are in the middle of what is shaping up to be an ugly divorce. It started off friendly enough, with weekly family dinners for the kids and cordial custody drop-offs, and has segued into hostility and anger. I feel badly for both of them, and for their kids. And for myself.
So for the sake of the story, let's call this couple Bob and Alice. Bob and I are very close, as are Bob and my husband and Bob's kids and my daughter. Alice and I were very close for a long time too, but since long before the divorce was set into play, she backed away. She stopped coming around, stopped communicating with me, stopped wanting to be part of any activities having to do with Bob. That strained our friendship in a big way (not seeing or communicating with someone can do that).
I recently met Bob's new love interest. Bob didn't want the divorce to begin with, but now that it is underway, he is happy to have some companionship again. He had been lonely for a long time in the marriage, and I think the attention is doing him some good. So in any case, we all got together - my little family, Bob and his kids, and the new love (let's call her Sandy) and her kids. I can't say I'm too fond of her, and I feel really badly for saying that because I know Bob is happy. But she just isn't someone I can see myself being close with. We went to a gastropub for dinner and she didn't understand any of the dishes on the menu - they were too complicated. She dressed wayyy down to go for brunch, like in workout pants and an over-sized t-shirt. And in case you think I am just being an elitist (which, yes, I kind of am), she also made racist comments, and so did her kids. I may be snobby in judging someone who doesn't know what Gruyere is, but I am just not a fan of someone who casually compares monkeys to black people.
So ok, whatever, he is dating someone I don't love. No biggie. But here's the issue. Bob is part of my life, and he is part of a lot of things I do on a regular basis. And now this woman is going to be part of those things, which then makes me not look forward to those things quite as much. I am wondering how I can uninvite him to these things in a way that won't hurt his feelings and I have not come up with a way quite yet.
The first test will be next weekend, when we have a whole weekend planned with them. No kids, thankfully; just the four of us. This is going to be a big test for me because I really hate to limit my ties with Bob but I just cannot with Sandy if she is the same this weekend as the last time I saw her. And then Bob will get his feelings hurt, and I know he is already going through a really hard time and I know he relies strongly on my opinions and this will crush him. But ugh. I am not a fan of this lady, nor am I good at keeping my big mouth shut.
(I just looked back at the menu because I was thinking that maybe it was exotic and I am being unfair, at least on that front, and really, it isn't a complicated menu at all. There are things like Blue Catfish Tacos and Pork Belly Mac & Cheese Fries on the menu...and I had a booze-infused snowball for dessert, so it was certainly not a foreign language like she claimed.)
After our get-together, I posted a photo of us all on my fb. Alice must have seen it and subsequently unfriended me because of it. Bob says I should not feel badly because we haven't talked in forever and of course I am going to meet and be friendly with his new girlfriend. But I still feel awful about it, because I truly did love Alice and this woman is no replacement for her. I feel like that is the trade I made - Alice for Sandy.
I want a trade-back.
So for the sake of the story, let's call this couple Bob and Alice. Bob and I are very close, as are Bob and my husband and Bob's kids and my daughter. Alice and I were very close for a long time too, but since long before the divorce was set into play, she backed away. She stopped coming around, stopped communicating with me, stopped wanting to be part of any activities having to do with Bob. That strained our friendship in a big way (not seeing or communicating with someone can do that).
So ok, whatever, he is dating someone I don't love. No biggie. But here's the issue. Bob is part of my life, and he is part of a lot of things I do on a regular basis. And now this woman is going to be part of those things, which then makes me not look forward to those things quite as much. I am wondering how I can uninvite him to these things in a way that won't hurt his feelings and I have not come up with a way quite yet.
The first test will be next weekend, when we have a whole weekend planned with them. No kids, thankfully; just the four of us. This is going to be a big test for me because I really hate to limit my ties with Bob but I just cannot with Sandy if she is the same this weekend as the last time I saw her. And then Bob will get his feelings hurt, and I know he is already going through a really hard time and I know he relies strongly on my opinions and this will crush him. But ugh. I am not a fan of this lady, nor am I good at keeping my big mouth shut.
(I just looked back at the menu because I was thinking that maybe it was exotic and I am being unfair, at least on that front, and really, it isn't a complicated menu at all. There are things like Blue Catfish Tacos and Pork Belly Mac & Cheese Fries on the menu...and I had a booze-infused snowball for dessert, so it was certainly not a foreign language like she claimed.)
After our get-together, I posted a photo of us all on my fb. Alice must have seen it and subsequently unfriended me because of it. Bob says I should not feel badly because we haven't talked in forever and of course I am going to meet and be friendly with his new girlfriend. But I still feel awful about it, because I truly did love Alice and this woman is no replacement for her. I feel like that is the trade I made - Alice for Sandy.
I want a trade-back.
Friday, May 20, 2016
NOODZ at Work
So here's a thing that happened at work today.
We had an employee leave the company a couple weeks back. She was overall a pretty bad employee and we weren't sad to see her go. Today, I had my team go and pack up her belongings so we could send them to her.
They gathered everything in boxes and then sorted it out (since some stuff, like half-eaten food or mugs with mold in them, were not things we would send). As they packed, they came across some photos and this is where things got crazy.
These were hardcore nudes.
Like, completely naked in the shower. Like, licking her own nipple for the camera. Like, a super close-up of her vag, spread open with her long fingernails. There were probably a dozen of this photos.
They were actual printed photos - I thought the kids just texted their noodz, but I was wrong! - and she brought them to work. She had them on her desk, under some other photos of her daughter. Walgreen's printed these out for her.
Also in her desk was a letter written to her ex-boyfriend. It was at least 8 pages long, and started with the sentence: "I'm typing this instead of hand-writing it because I am at work and I can pretend to work by typing." (God, am I sorry she longer works here!) In it, she talks about how often he cheated on her, made other women get abortions, got her to fight with other women, and beat her so that she would have to wear long sleeves in the summer to cover the bruises. She talks about how much she still loves him and always will, despite the fact that she isn't good enough for him. She was mailing this letter to him in prison, where she has gone to visit him and seen all the other women there visiting him as well.
I went from giggling at this deluded young girl's attempts at amateur porn to feeling so sad for her. I love women who love and celebrate their bodies and sexuality, and I don't think it's something to shame them for (however, I don't think you should be bringing proof of your self-adoration to work). But after seeing the letter and the photos in conjunction, I just felt sad. She is a damaged person, so lacking in self-esteem that she was begging her horrible ex to come back and trying to tempt him with erotic photos. This is not the kind of thing you expect to have to face at work, and I was glad that she was no longer an employee so I didn't have to address this with her.
So yeah, when you think of your evil HR Director, keep in mind the things she has to deal with. And the images she can't erase from her mind.
We had an employee leave the company a couple weeks back. She was overall a pretty bad employee and we weren't sad to see her go. Today, I had my team go and pack up her belongings so we could send them to her.
They gathered everything in boxes and then sorted it out (since some stuff, like half-eaten food or mugs with mold in them, were not things we would send). As they packed, they came across some photos and this is where things got crazy.
These were hardcore nudes.
Like, completely naked in the shower. Like, licking her own nipple for the camera. Like, a super close-up of her vag, spread open with her long fingernails. There were probably a dozen of this photos.
They were actual printed photos - I thought the kids just texted their noodz, but I was wrong! - and she brought them to work. She had them on her desk, under some other photos of her daughter. Walgreen's printed these out for her.
Also in her desk was a letter written to her ex-boyfriend. It was at least 8 pages long, and started with the sentence: "I'm typing this instead of hand-writing it because I am at work and I can pretend to work by typing." (God, am I sorry she longer works here!) In it, she talks about how often he cheated on her, made other women get abortions, got her to fight with other women, and beat her so that she would have to wear long sleeves in the summer to cover the bruises. She talks about how much she still loves him and always will, despite the fact that she isn't good enough for him. She was mailing this letter to him in prison, where she has gone to visit him and seen all the other women there visiting him as well.
I went from giggling at this deluded young girl's attempts at amateur porn to feeling so sad for her. I love women who love and celebrate their bodies and sexuality, and I don't think it's something to shame them for (however, I don't think you should be bringing proof of your self-adoration to work). But after seeing the letter and the photos in conjunction, I just felt sad. She is a damaged person, so lacking in self-esteem that she was begging her horrible ex to come back and trying to tempt him with erotic photos. This is not the kind of thing you expect to have to face at work, and I was glad that she was no longer an employee so I didn't have to address this with her.
So yeah, when you think of your evil HR Director, keep in mind the things she has to deal with. And the images she can't erase from her mind.
Monday, May 16, 2016
Friendship is Hard
It's hard sometimes to be friend with your child's friend's parents.
I get along really well with S. We have such a good time together and have really deep conversations that I don't have with many other of my close friends. She is open about her life - abuse in her childhood and it's impact on her life now, the failure of her marriage, and pretty much anything other topic. And she makes me more open and vulnerable, which is something I am not used to being.
But then there's her relationship with her daughter (whom I adore, it must be said).
I am close with my daughter. We spend a lot of time together, whether it's out and about or just hanging around the house, we are tied at the hip. And I love that, because I know in another year or two, that may all change as puberty and teen angst kick in full force. I'd have her around me all the time if I could because I really enjoy her company and she is a cool kid.
With that said...there's such a thing as too close. Or maybe its more that despite me adoring my daughter and wanting very much for her to be happy all the time, I have no intention of letting her run the show. I'm the mom, I'm the adult, I make the decisions. I hear her out and listen to her concerns, but ultimately she needs to follow direction from me and not the other way around. We are not equals and I don't acquiesce to her desires.
My friend does this. Her daughter runs the show all the time. We went on vacation with them about a month ago and all S wanted to do was look for shells. We were in shell heaven down in Captiva, and all S talked about for months was finding shells. The day arrives and we have plans to go shelling (well, for the rest of them to go shelling and for me to sit on the beach and safely bronze myself). S changes her mind and says she is going to take her daughter shopping for a dress. Keep in mind that our resort was alllll the way at the end of Captiva, so to get to the mainland, you had to drive through all of Captiva and then all of Sanibel and over the bridge back to Fort Meyers....about 45 minutes or so, just to get back to civilization, and then find a store to shop in. So S gave up her day of shelling to take M shopping instead of doing what she had been most looking forward to.
This past Saturday, we had the kids attend a gymnastics night so we could go out. The thing ran from 5-9pm, so when we picked up the kids it was barely 9pm. On a Saturday night. On our way to get them, we had been talking about them coming back to my house for cocktails - I had been dying to make a Cinnamon Toast Crunch, with Fireball and Rum Chata, and this seemed like a great opportunity to do it. Our girls are night owls so 9pm is no stretch for them to be out. We make plans and then drop them off at their house so they can get their own car to come over and let their dog out. Ten minutes later comes the text: M just wants to stay home so we are going to pass this time. So they didn't come over. S wanted to. The girls were having fun together. M just gets moody sometimes and wants to be alone (like she is at the point where instead of sitting together to read or whatever, M will tell her mom to leave the room and sit elsewhere so she can be alone! What?!) so S catered to her and they didn't come over, despite our plans.
I love S. She is among my best friends and someone I love spending time with. We can talk and talk for hours and it is never strained or weird. We can talk about politics and race and our childhoods and also about sex and parental gossip and fashion. But I am struggling so much with her blind acquiescence to her daughter. It impacts our friendship and it will also impact M - never being told no and never being made to do something you don't want to do is no way to learn about the real world.
I get along really well with S. We have such a good time together and have really deep conversations that I don't have with many other of my close friends. She is open about her life - abuse in her childhood and it's impact on her life now, the failure of her marriage, and pretty much anything other topic. And she makes me more open and vulnerable, which is something I am not used to being.
But then there's her relationship with her daughter (whom I adore, it must be said).
I am close with my daughter. We spend a lot of time together, whether it's out and about or just hanging around the house, we are tied at the hip. And I love that, because I know in another year or two, that may all change as puberty and teen angst kick in full force. I'd have her around me all the time if I could because I really enjoy her company and she is a cool kid.
With that said...there's such a thing as too close. Or maybe its more that despite me adoring my daughter and wanting very much for her to be happy all the time, I have no intention of letting her run the show. I'm the mom, I'm the adult, I make the decisions. I hear her out and listen to her concerns, but ultimately she needs to follow direction from me and not the other way around. We are not equals and I don't acquiesce to her desires.
My friend does this. Her daughter runs the show all the time. We went on vacation with them about a month ago and all S wanted to do was look for shells. We were in shell heaven down in Captiva, and all S talked about for months was finding shells. The day arrives and we have plans to go shelling (well, for the rest of them to go shelling and for me to sit on the beach and safely bronze myself). S changes her mind and says she is going to take her daughter shopping for a dress. Keep in mind that our resort was alllll the way at the end of Captiva, so to get to the mainland, you had to drive through all of Captiva and then all of Sanibel and over the bridge back to Fort Meyers....about 45 minutes or so, just to get back to civilization, and then find a store to shop in. So S gave up her day of shelling to take M shopping instead of doing what she had been most looking forward to.
This past Saturday, we had the kids attend a gymnastics night so we could go out. The thing ran from 5-9pm, so when we picked up the kids it was barely 9pm. On a Saturday night. On our way to get them, we had been talking about them coming back to my house for cocktails - I had been dying to make a Cinnamon Toast Crunch, with Fireball and Rum Chata, and this seemed like a great opportunity to do it. Our girls are night owls so 9pm is no stretch for them to be out. We make plans and then drop them off at their house so they can get their own car to come over and let their dog out. Ten minutes later comes the text: M just wants to stay home so we are going to pass this time. So they didn't come over. S wanted to. The girls were having fun together. M just gets moody sometimes and wants to be alone (like she is at the point where instead of sitting together to read or whatever, M will tell her mom to leave the room and sit elsewhere so she can be alone! What?!) so S catered to her and they didn't come over, despite our plans.
I love S. She is among my best friends and someone I love spending time with. We can talk and talk for hours and it is never strained or weird. We can talk about politics and race and our childhoods and also about sex and parental gossip and fashion. But I am struggling so much with her blind acquiescence to her daughter. It impacts our friendship and it will also impact M - never being told no and never being made to do something you don't want to do is no way to learn about the real world.
Friday, May 13, 2016
#SayonaraTwitter
I was an early adopter of Twitter. I had my account set up and was actively tweeting by March 2007, at a time when almost no one had even heard of Twitter and it was this inexplicable thing on the internet that people kind of refused to even try to understand.
And I loved it.
I had a group of followers who I loved. They were interesting. They came from different parts of the world and had different views from me. They were outspoken. They were funny. We were a tight-knit group and we felt like friends. We confided things in each other (this one had an abusive husband; that one was an addict) that we didn't tell anyone else.
And then it kind of fell apart for me. The busier it got, the more people who signed up and tweeted out ignorant bullshit, the less I wanted to be on there. Some people were fake. Some were so needy that it felt like a full time job. Some didn't follow me, but looked at my timeline every day and tweeted back at me in a harassing manner. It got old.
I use Twitter now in a very, very different way. The friends I had on Twitter I have now friended on Facebook - which I was never a fan of and still am not, but I use it every few days - and that's where I see them and talk to them and find out what's up in their lives. (They finally learned my real name instead of calling me True Jersey Girl, which was weird for a while but now it's all good.)The only time I open Twitter nowadays is when something is going on in the world - politically, usually, but also tv show finales or world events - to see what people are saying. I occasionally retweet, and much less occasionally I tweet myself. I am on and off in a matter of minutes. I don't converse with people and I don't feel like part of the Twitter family any more. And I am good with that.
Since I stopped using Twitter so much, I find myself to be so much more in the moment in my real life. I go out and enjoy things without thinking of what picture to take or what pithy comment I can tweet. And it really has enriched my life to remove Twitter from it.
What I see when I go on there now are not things I want in my life.
The trolling is out of control. I posted a picture a while back of a sign in a bar that said something about consent being sexy, or something like that. Men I had never tweeted with and whom I did not follow, nor did they follow me, started harassing me. Why? Who is sitting there looking for women to troll about consent? I don't have time for or interest in debating with idiots. It's not worth it to me. And the people who don't know me but feel the need to say things about me to their followers - so fucking stupid and childish and again, something I have no time for.
The bickering within my group of political "friends" is insane. We are all progressives, but yet the vitriol spit between Hillary supporters and Bernie supporters is out of control and I hate to see it. We used to fight together against Republicans trying to take away women's rights or fighting sensible gun control laws, and now it's all about fighting each other. It kills my soul a little bit each time I see it, and it exhausts me.
It bothers me a little to know that I am not a part of something I helped start. I was on Twitter when the service went down at least once a day (at least). I was there when there were about 500 people total, and I was friends with 300 of them. I was there before there were apps to get you fake followers, and, in fact, when the number of followers you had was not important because we all followed each other. I was there for Stripper Friday. I was there before hashtags, and before you could @ people. I used to tweet numerous times a day, and I think I was pretty good at it. I was funny, entertaining, sexy, and smart.
And Twitter lost me. Every time I think of tweeting, I choose not to. I'd rather text a friend than tweet into the ether. And every time I go on there, I get a headache. It's all noise. It's all people talking into the void and not hearing anyone else. It makes me long for the Twitter of 2007. But those days are gone, and so am I.
And I loved it.
I had a group of followers who I loved. They were interesting. They came from different parts of the world and had different views from me. They were outspoken. They were funny. We were a tight-knit group and we felt like friends. We confided things in each other (this one had an abusive husband; that one was an addict) that we didn't tell anyone else.
And then it kind of fell apart for me. The busier it got, the more people who signed up and tweeted out ignorant bullshit, the less I wanted to be on there. Some people were fake. Some were so needy that it felt like a full time job. Some didn't follow me, but looked at my timeline every day and tweeted back at me in a harassing manner. It got old.
I use Twitter now in a very, very different way. The friends I had on Twitter I have now friended on Facebook - which I was never a fan of and still am not, but I use it every few days - and that's where I see them and talk to them and find out what's up in their lives. (They finally learned my real name instead of calling me True Jersey Girl, which was weird for a while but now it's all good.)The only time I open Twitter nowadays is when something is going on in the world - politically, usually, but also tv show finales or world events - to see what people are saying. I occasionally retweet, and much less occasionally I tweet myself. I am on and off in a matter of minutes. I don't converse with people and I don't feel like part of the Twitter family any more. And I am good with that.
Since I stopped using Twitter so much, I find myself to be so much more in the moment in my real life. I go out and enjoy things without thinking of what picture to take or what pithy comment I can tweet. And it really has enriched my life to remove Twitter from it.
What I see when I go on there now are not things I want in my life.
The trolling is out of control. I posted a picture a while back of a sign in a bar that said something about consent being sexy, or something like that. Men I had never tweeted with and whom I did not follow, nor did they follow me, started harassing me. Why? Who is sitting there looking for women to troll about consent? I don't have time for or interest in debating with idiots. It's not worth it to me. And the people who don't know me but feel the need to say things about me to their followers - so fucking stupid and childish and again, something I have no time for.
The bickering within my group of political "friends" is insane. We are all progressives, but yet the vitriol spit between Hillary supporters and Bernie supporters is out of control and I hate to see it. We used to fight together against Republicans trying to take away women's rights or fighting sensible gun control laws, and now it's all about fighting each other. It kills my soul a little bit each time I see it, and it exhausts me.
It bothers me a little to know that I am not a part of something I helped start. I was on Twitter when the service went down at least once a day (at least). I was there when there were about 500 people total, and I was friends with 300 of them. I was there before there were apps to get you fake followers, and, in fact, when the number of followers you had was not important because we all followed each other. I was there for Stripper Friday. I was there before hashtags, and before you could @ people. I used to tweet numerous times a day, and I think I was pretty good at it. I was funny, entertaining, sexy, and smart.
And Twitter lost me. Every time I think of tweeting, I choose not to. I'd rather text a friend than tweet into the ether. And every time I go on there, I get a headache. It's all noise. It's all people talking into the void and not hearing anyone else. It makes me long for the Twitter of 2007. But those days are gone, and so am I.
Tuesday, May 03, 2016
Updated Travel Plans - The Good and the Bad
I was looking back at an earlier post I did about our 2016 vacations and I said in it that I was not that excited for our planned trip to Toronto. The good news is that we redid that trip and decided to go to Vancouver instead. I am definitely psyched for that one, since I have never been. We will also take a side trip to Whistler, which sounds amazing to me. I haven't researched this trip much, but I'm hoping for slightly cooler summer days than you find in Jersey so we can spend our days outside, maybe hiking and just enjoying the great outdoors.
Hubby started looking at deals on cruises for November and at some point decided he didn't think it was the way to go. So I started looking into Budapest, since I am dying to go there. I got myself all excited - picked out a fantastic hotel and flights and had the whole trip together. Then hubby decided he wanted to do the cruise after all. The good is that it goes to Belize and Honduras, both places I have not been, and that we have upgraded to specialty dining and all booze is included. The bad is that it also goes to Cozumel and Costa Maya, Mexico - and I hate both of those ports. I've been to both of them twice and they really just aren't my thing. I'm trying to stay positive about it because I know I will just stay on the ship those days and drink in the sun, but I was so excited for Budapest.
I'm hoping for next year, we can go to Budapest and Cuba. Those are my do-or-die spots for 2017. Anything beyond that will be gravy. I don't think I can convince hubby to do the Exumas next year as well, since these are all pricey trips...but I'm going to give it a shot and have the best 2017 ever.
Hubby started looking at deals on cruises for November and at some point decided he didn't think it was the way to go. So I started looking into Budapest, since I am dying to go there. I got myself all excited - picked out a fantastic hotel and flights and had the whole trip together. Then hubby decided he wanted to do the cruise after all. The good is that it goes to Belize and Honduras, both places I have not been, and that we have upgraded to specialty dining and all booze is included. The bad is that it also goes to Cozumel and Costa Maya, Mexico - and I hate both of those ports. I've been to both of them twice and they really just aren't my thing. I'm trying to stay positive about it because I know I will just stay on the ship those days and drink in the sun, but I was so excited for Budapest.
I'm hoping for next year, we can go to Budapest and Cuba. Those are my do-or-die spots for 2017. Anything beyond that will be gravy. I don't think I can convince hubby to do the Exumas next year as well, since these are all pricey trips...but I'm going to give it a shot and have the best 2017 ever.
Today's Playlist
Here's what I am playing on repeat today:
- Don't Hurt Yourself - Beyonce f/ Jack White
- Jolene - White Stripes
- Stop Crying - Bobby Bare, Jr.
- Right Turn - Alice in Chains f/ Chris Cornell
- Nutshell - Aaron Lewis
- Midlife Crisis - Faith No More
- Whenever We Wanted - John Mellencamp
- Emily - From First to Last
- Criminal - Fiona Apple
- I Want You So Hard - Pearl Jam
- A Deep Slow Panic - AFI
Mostly all old-school there, and several cover songs. The only new ones are Beyonce and Pearl Jam. I'm always obsessed with Pearl Jam, and I've always liked and admired Beyonce but with her Lemonade release, I'm really enjoying her.
This is a really strange mix of music, now that I look at it. A little sad and wistful, despite me not feeling that way at all.
Friday, April 01, 2016
Judgmental
You know when you have limited information about someone but you feel like you can still form a full opinion on them? Like, maybe you see their twitter feed and they misspell every other word but think they are smart? And they act like know-it-alls but they really know nothing? So you read what they write and you totally get who this person is. You know she is a completely uneducated, trashy, judgmental moron who sees herself as above everyone else - even though she has a shitty job and no car and lives in a white-trash town and her ex-man is even trashier than she is.
So you have a pretty fully-formed opinion of this person, despite not knowing this person and not wanting to. Maybe you think to yourself, perhaps if we met I would feel differently, when I just have to hear her talk and not read her ignorance? Maybe she aren't so bad in real life.
And then, this person comes out as a Donald Trump supporter and it reinforces the fact that your judging skills are 100% on point and that everything you inferred about this person is 100% fact.
So you have a pretty fully-formed opinion of this person, despite not knowing this person and not wanting to. Maybe you think to yourself, perhaps if we met I would feel differently, when I just have to hear her talk and not read her ignorance? Maybe she aren't so bad in real life.
And then, this person comes out as a Donald Trump supporter and it reinforces the fact that your judging skills are 100% on point and that everything you inferred about this person is 100% fact.
Monday, March 28, 2016
Dreaming of Vacationing....
All I can think about is vacation.
My first vacation of 2016 is only 2 weeks away and I could not be more ready. Work has been hellish, as I walk on eggshells waiting for a doomsday meeting with my boss (which, honestly, would not be completely unwelcome right now). I need a break. I need to relax. I need to detach from life as it is, and lull myself into a fluffy cloud of pretending that life is really frozen drinks, hot sun, sandy beaches, and more frozen drinks. Two weeks, two weeks, two weeks...
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| The shelling in Sanibel and Captiva is amazing. |
We have three great vacations coming up this year and I am so looking forward to them. We have Sanibel Island/Captiva, which is more welcome because it should be fairly carefree. My only concerns there are that we are traveling with a friend of mine and her daughter, and we have never traveled with them before. She and I get along so well, and Hubby gets along really well with her as well. Our daughters have been friends since kindergarten and have been on-again, off-again at times, but seem to have a good time when they are together. Her daughter is not used to traveling; in fact, she has only gone on weekend trips to amusement parks and to visit family. My daughter is an avid traveler and her mind is as open as it gets to new experiences. I'm hoping once the girls get together and TJK can show her friend what travel is all about, it will spark something and get her friend into traveling as well.
Our other trips are a week in Toronto and just over a week in Portugal. I don't know why, but I am not overly excited for Toronto. I've been there before (it has been a long time though, so I'm sure much has changed), but I don't have a driving desire to go back. But, we will have a great time because we always do. We'll research and find off-the-beaten-path things to see and do, and it'll be a wonderful adventure. Plus, we are driving there and will add in a stop at Niagara Falls, which TJK has never seen. And we'll spend the night there in a room with a view of the Falls from our window, which should be pretty damn cool.
Portugal, on the other hand....I could not be more excited. I have never been, but have been looking into all it has to offer. We will spend 4 days in Lisbon and then rent a car and head down the coast to the beautiful beaches and seaside villages of southern Portugal. We will spend a couple of nights in a variety of small towns along the way, even staying in a converted convent one night! From all I have seen, Portugal looks stunningly beautiful. I truly cannot wait. My mother is nervous for us to go; she is petrified of terrorism and thinks our airport is going to get blown up. I won't be scared out of seeing the world, though. There are nerves, of course, but nothing enough to hold me back. I always think of how we had plans to go to Egypt and decided "next year..." That was a terrible mistake, because then there were the uprisings and now it is too dangerous for Americans. Last year I really wanted Istanbul and Cappadocia, but thought it might be too dangerous. Now this year, it is even worse and had a tourist area in Istanbul hit by a suicide bomber not that long ago. I hate living in a world where there is so much to see and do and appreciate about other cultures, yet it is just not safe.
 |
| Here, piggy piggy piggy.... |
I had hoped we would do Istanbul next year, but it isn't looking so good due to the terrorism concerns above. So my plan for next year is one week in the Bahamas - maybe part of it at Atlantis because TJK would love that, but the rest in the Exumas where I can swim with pigs. This has become top-of-bucket-list for me and I want to do it SOON. I mean, really, can you imagine pulling up to an island and having pigs swim out to meet your boat? And then getting out into the water and swimming with them? I need this in my life.
The other trip on tap for 2017 is Cuba. I feel like it is a year too late for this trip, but I'm hoping it will still be old school Cuba and not 'Murrica Cuba. I don't want to see McDonald's. I don't want to see a sanitized version of this island that tourists see but the Cuban people don't live. I want to see as accurate a view of what Cuba truly is as possible before it changes due to open relations with the US. I want there to be no US money. I want to see how people really live. I wish there would be a little bit of wifi, but I can live without it if it means an authentic experience. And then, in five years time, we will go on a cruise with a stop in Cuba and we will eat at the Margaritaville and shop at the Diamonds International for tanzanite jewels.
And for our other trip(s) in 2017? Maybe Salt Lake City. I've been itching to go there and hike in those beautiful national parks that look like moon landscapes. Maybe Vancouver, as it would be cool there in the summer and they have lots of interesting breweries. Probably a cruise. We aren't doing one this year and Hubby is not happy about this fact. He wants to do one of those mega ships. I really couldn't care less, but would love to eventually hit Jamaica (because I have never been) and Grand Cayman (because we snorkeled in Stingray City a few years back and I'd love to give TJK the same experience as it was badass).
Two weeks....two weeks....two weeks......
Friday, March 04, 2016
Politics: You Love Trump Because Of What He Says, Not Despite It
Here's the short of it - Trump has so many supporters because he is saying exactly what they think. They don't support him despite the racism and sexism and all that - they love him because of it. They say they don't, because they would be embarrassed to admit it, but they do.
Because really, if I supported a candidate and believed is his or her positions on the issues, and then s/he made fun of a disabled person or pretended not to know who David Duke is or called women s/he didn't like fat and ugly...that would end my support. Immediately. Hard stop. Trump's supporters only love him more the more extreme he gets. They love it and they support it and it's what they want.
Americans are scared because life is hard. They feel like their power is slipping away, and who better to blame than the "other"? Donald Trump makes them feel like he is their big strong daddy who will send the bad guys away with just a stern look and snide comment. And Americans want to believe this. They do believe this...as if life were that simple.
I have to admit, I do not know one person in real life who supports Donald Trump. No one I have actual live conversations with has any idea why anyone is supporting him. But numerous people I know (and a distant cousin or three) on Facebook are loud-mouthed supporters of his, and if you try to engage politically about him, they all-caps scream at you. I don't know if they learned to shout down their detractors rather than converse with them from Trump, or whether they are just birds of a feather. But they certainly have the lack of intelligent curiosity thing down pat.
What I feel about this election is simple. I'm sad that my country-people are so ignorant. And I'm scared that there are more of them than there are of us and President Trump is in our future.
Because really, if I supported a candidate and believed is his or her positions on the issues, and then s/he made fun of a disabled person or pretended not to know who David Duke is or called women s/he didn't like fat and ugly...that would end my support. Immediately. Hard stop. Trump's supporters only love him more the more extreme he gets. They love it and they support it and it's what they want.
Americans are scared because life is hard. They feel like their power is slipping away, and who better to blame than the "other"? Donald Trump makes them feel like he is their big strong daddy who will send the bad guys away with just a stern look and snide comment. And Americans want to believe this. They do believe this...as if life were that simple.
I have to admit, I do not know one person in real life who supports Donald Trump. No one I have actual live conversations with has any idea why anyone is supporting him. But numerous people I know (and a distant cousin or three) on Facebook are loud-mouthed supporters of his, and if you try to engage politically about him, they all-caps scream at you. I don't know if they learned to shout down their detractors rather than converse with them from Trump, or whether they are just birds of a feather. But they certainly have the lack of intelligent curiosity thing down pat.
What I feel about this election is simple. I'm sad that my country-people are so ignorant. And I'm scared that there are more of them than there are of us and President Trump is in our future.
Monday, February 15, 2016
Cold Weather Sucks
But first...how badass is Daryl on Walking Dead? Finally he gets to kick some ass and I'm happy to see him being heroic rather than moping.
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I am definitely not a hot weather person. If I were Mother Nature, every day in Jersey would be about 60-65 degrees and sunnyish - not too hot, not too cold. Perfect weather for jeans, a t-shirt, a cardigan or light jacket, and either boots or sandals depending on my mood. So don't think I'm a person who only wants 85 degree days and sun. I like it to be on the chilly side, and even a 40 degree day can make me smile because it means I can wear a cute coat and over the knee boots with a pretty Irish-knit sweater.
But Mother Nature has been messing with us for pretty much the whole winter. I mean, on Christmas Day it was in the 60's and then we had over 2 feet of snow during a recent blizzard, and it's been varying between warmish and coldish through most of the season. Totally inconsistent and wacky. However, now it is just downright cold.
Our thermostats are registering around zero and below, and then when you add the wind to it, it's just a little too North Poley for me. Yesterday, I woke up to find that my house was an ice cube. I felt the radiators and there was heat coming out of them, and the boiler was working as well. WTF? I had someone from PSE&G come out to check things out and they basically told me that everything is working the way it should - it is just so friggin cold that the heat in the house just isn't enough to combat it. JFC.
So then, the bathroom situations happened. Our downstairs bathroom toilet froze - meaning that the water flushed down but then would not refill. Hubby took it apart and tried to fix it, but there was nothing he could do. Last night, I was frozen to the bone so I went to take a shower in the master bathroom. I start the water and then get undressed....and by then, the shower (it's a stall shower) was full and nearly overflowing. Hubby took a look at that as well and found that whatever was in the pipes (I guess just general pipe sludge, ew) had frozen. We tried to defrost it with boiling water to no avail. Finally, after a good hour, the water went down but by then I was hibernating under the covers and the shower had to wait until morning.
Long story short - winter sucks and it needs to be spring now.
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I am definitely not a hot weather person. If I were Mother Nature, every day in Jersey would be about 60-65 degrees and sunnyish - not too hot, not too cold. Perfect weather for jeans, a t-shirt, a cardigan or light jacket, and either boots or sandals depending on my mood. So don't think I'm a person who only wants 85 degree days and sun. I like it to be on the chilly side, and even a 40 degree day can make me smile because it means I can wear a cute coat and over the knee boots with a pretty Irish-knit sweater.
But Mother Nature has been messing with us for pretty much the whole winter. I mean, on Christmas Day it was in the 60's and then we had over 2 feet of snow during a recent blizzard, and it's been varying between warmish and coldish through most of the season. Totally inconsistent and wacky. However, now it is just downright cold.
Our thermostats are registering around zero and below, and then when you add the wind to it, it's just a little too North Poley for me. Yesterday, I woke up to find that my house was an ice cube. I felt the radiators and there was heat coming out of them, and the boiler was working as well. WTF? I had someone from PSE&G come out to check things out and they basically told me that everything is working the way it should - it is just so friggin cold that the heat in the house just isn't enough to combat it. JFC.
So then, the bathroom situations happened. Our downstairs bathroom toilet froze - meaning that the water flushed down but then would not refill. Hubby took it apart and tried to fix it, but there was nothing he could do. Last night, I was frozen to the bone so I went to take a shower in the master bathroom. I start the water and then get undressed....and by then, the shower (it's a stall shower) was full and nearly overflowing. Hubby took a look at that as well and found that whatever was in the pipes (I guess just general pipe sludge, ew) had frozen. We tried to defrost it with boiling water to no avail. Finally, after a good hour, the water went down but by then I was hibernating under the covers and the shower had to wait until morning.
Long story short - winter sucks and it needs to be spring now.
Thursday, February 11, 2016
The Soundtrack of My Life
Music has always been a driving force in my life. Even now, if I hear a certain song it will bring me right back to that moment in time in my mind, no matter how long ago that moment might be, I feel like I have a running soundtrack to my life....and here it is:
The Beatles - Octopus' Garden:
The Beatles - Her Majesty
John Cougar - Pink Houses:
The Manhattans - Shining Star:
Van Halen - Jump:
Don Henley - Boys of Summer:
Grease 2 Soundtrack - Back to School:
Guns n' Roses - Patience:
John Cougar Mellencamp - Wild Nights
John Cougar Mellencamp - Last Chance
Pearl Jam - Even Flow:
Pearl Jam - Black:
Hole - Violet:
Van Halen - Why Can't This Be Love?
Husker Du - Could You Be The One?:
Soup Dragons - I'm Free:
Goo Goo Dolls - Two Days in February:
Fugazi - Margin Walker:
Four Seasons - Can't Take My Eyes Off You:
Destiny's Child - Lose My Breath:
White Stripes - Fell in Love With a Girl:
Hole - Beautiful Son:
John Mellencamp - Lonely Ol' Night
White Stripes - Seven Nation Army:
My Chemical Romance - Famous Last Words:
Lana Del Rey - basically all of Born To Die:
The Beatles - Her Majesty (again, for a different reason):
Miley Cyrus - Wrecking Ball:
Pearl Jam - Sirens:
I was going to write a little about each song and why it struck a chord with me at particular times in my life...but I decided not to do that. I truly don't need to write it out, because when I just look at the title of a song, it brings me to the pink houses we rented every summer down the shore, or dancing with friends at the Johnny Cougar concert, or my husband yelling at me to turn down the White Stripes and me turning it up even louder. A whole story on each isn't needed because when I hear the song, I see the whole picture in my mind. Music is such a wonderful thing!
(And, if you really need to see how wordy I can get with these memories, read this about the song Even Flow and how it changed the course of my life.)
The Beatles - Octopus' Garden:
The Beatles - Her Majesty
John Cougar - Pink Houses:
The Manhattans - Shining Star:
Van Halen - Jump:
Don Henley - Boys of Summer:
Grease 2 Soundtrack - Back to School:
Guns n' Roses - Patience:
John Cougar Mellencamp - Wild Nights
John Cougar Mellencamp - Last Chance
Pearl Jam - Even Flow:
Pearl Jam - Black:
Hole - Violet:
Van Halen - Why Can't This Be Love?
Husker Du - Could You Be The One?:
Soup Dragons - I'm Free:
Goo Goo Dolls - Two Days in February:
Fugazi - Margin Walker:
Four Seasons - Can't Take My Eyes Off You:
Destiny's Child - Lose My Breath:
White Stripes - Fell in Love With a Girl:
Hole - Beautiful Son:
John Mellencamp - Lonely Ol' Night
White Stripes - Seven Nation Army:
My Chemical Romance - Famous Last Words:
Lana Del Rey - basically all of Born To Die:
The Beatles - Her Majesty (again, for a different reason):
Miley Cyrus - Wrecking Ball:
Pearl Jam - Sirens:
I was going to write a little about each song and why it struck a chord with me at particular times in my life...but I decided not to do that. I truly don't need to write it out, because when I just look at the title of a song, it brings me to the pink houses we rented every summer down the shore, or dancing with friends at the Johnny Cougar concert, or my husband yelling at me to turn down the White Stripes and me turning it up even louder. A whole story on each isn't needed because when I hear the song, I see the whole picture in my mind. Music is such a wonderful thing!
(And, if you really need to see how wordy I can get with these memories, read this about the song Even Flow and how it changed the course of my life.)
Tuesday, February 02, 2016
Paralyzations Via Renovations
First: is paralyzation a word? Apparently not...but it is now!
There is so much that needs to be done in my house. I'm talking major renovations that are going to cost good money and lots of time. One is the outside of the house. I've got an old Tudor-style home, built in 1932. It's got brick, siding, wood shingles, and wood accents...and all are in need of replacement (well, I guess not the brick. Lucky me!). With that comes a new sliding glass door going out to the deck (or French doors, perhaps), a new front door, a new side door, and a new garage door. This is some costly stuff.
Then, I've got two bathrooms upstairs that are in need of replacement. The main hallway bathroom is huge and has a big jacuzzi tub...that does not drain, and therefore can't be used. All of the fixtures are black, so they collect dust like crazy. There's a pedestal sink, which I thought I would love because it looks so pretty...but it sucks. You can't put anything on it (like a brush or hairdryer or makeup while you're using them) and you can't store anything under it (like towels or medicine or whatever). It has bright makeup lights like you would see in a movie star's dressing room. Way too much for me. And the worst part is the wallpaper. It has three wallpapers, to be exact - the bottom is black with little while shield-shaped figures on it. The top is grey without much of anything special. And the middle - oh the middle. It has Trojan horses, in black, white and gold, traipsing around the room. HORRIBLE. The only thing I like about this bathroom is the beautiful chandelier I put in a few years back. Other than that, it is huge with so much potential and I hate nearly every square inch of it.
My master bathroom on the other hand is small, with only a stall shower (no tub). I could probably live with that if the tub in the other bathroom worked. But the worst part of the master bath is that it was last renovated in the 60's or 70's so it has that lovely avocado-green tile on the bottom half of the walls. I've painted the top half white and put some awesome artwork in there to try to cut the green...but honey, it's GREEN. It needs to come down.
And my kitchen is another source of renovation fever. The wood cabinets were painted a number of years ago and I can live with them...but the floor is the ugliest brown linoleum and the countertops are wood-patterned formica. Horrendous. There is some charm in there, though - a brick archway between the kitchen and breakfast nook, wood beamed ceilings, built in cabinets in the nook. But still, the floors and counters and layout have to go. Again, I've decorated around it all and it's not terrible...but it's time for a reno.
Basically, I am overwhelmed by all of the construction that would have to be done. The big bathroom and master bathroom have to be gutted...and my hope is to extend the master bath to the length of the house so I can have a bigger bathroom and add a second walk-in closet to the room. The kitchen is always a huge undertaking. And the outside of the house...ugh, we got one estimate at $30,000. And that's something that no one will even really notice!
Since I am overwhelmed by the idea of construction, I have turned my sights on my bedroom. It needs no construction. It's a big room with lots of potential. For some reason, when we moved in, I wanted faux paint on the walls...in green. I loved it for a long time but it has definitely outstayed it's welcome. I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do in there and now *that* is paralyzing me. Right now it is a mishmosh of styles. There is no cohesiveness to the room and it feels all over the place.
I was talking to my husband last night about redecorating the bedroom (which is going to mean new furniture, bedding, rug, curtains, shades, accessories...everything) and I told him how I was feeling overwhelmed because I didn't know where to start. I want the bedroom to be perfect - to capture our lifestyle and our family and our tastes, to represent who we are, and to give us a peaceful place to relax and sleep. And maybe a little romance in there, too!
As he always does, he talked me down from my ledge. He pointed out our living room, which is exactly what we want it to be. Elegant and rich, but super comfortable and lived in. TV front and center since that's our daily life, but held in a huge, hand painted armoire that doubles as a piece of art, really. He pointed out the dining room, which again is just what we wanted. Not fancy, a little farmhouse-y, beautifully comfortable for every day use, gorgeous colors with the perfect artwork. And he pointed out our office, which, yes, once again is exactly our vision. Dark and moody, deep wine-colored walls, dark wooden bookcases filled to the brim with well loved books. Very Moroccan, layered fabrics and pillows on a comfortable pull-out couch, beautiful desk with gorgeous accessories from our travels. The downstairs bathroom is so "us" too - because I took a chance and did something really edgy in an old house. I painted the bottom of the walls a really dark charcoal grey and the top part a metallic silver, put a punky chandelier in there, and then used pink accents in the dramatically punk art. It's one of my favorite rooms. And finally, TJK's room. A perfect room for a tween-going-on-25. A soft sky blue, with hand painted clouds and a blooming cherry blossom tree, gorgeous bedding, shelves for all of her trinkets and collectibles.
Basically, all of the rooms we have redecorated since moving in represent us well. The rooms that need to be redone - the master bedroom and bathroom, the main upstairs bathroom, the kitchen - are the ones we have not touched since moving in. Like the bedroom - the furniture is from our apartment. There's a room-dividing screen, also from our apartment. And there is a big comfy chair in there, which is from an old living room set from the apartment. Nothing in the bedroom was chosen for this bedroom. This made me take a breath and realize that when I decorate rooms in my house, I do it well. The bedroom is just the next on the list...to be followed closely by the bathrooms and kitchen and outside...
There is so much that needs to be done in my house. I'm talking major renovations that are going to cost good money and lots of time. One is the outside of the house. I've got an old Tudor-style home, built in 1932. It's got brick, siding, wood shingles, and wood accents...and all are in need of replacement (well, I guess not the brick. Lucky me!). With that comes a new sliding glass door going out to the deck (or French doors, perhaps), a new front door, a new side door, and a new garage door. This is some costly stuff.
Then, I've got two bathrooms upstairs that are in need of replacement. The main hallway bathroom is huge and has a big jacuzzi tub...that does not drain, and therefore can't be used. All of the fixtures are black, so they collect dust like crazy. There's a pedestal sink, which I thought I would love because it looks so pretty...but it sucks. You can't put anything on it (like a brush or hairdryer or makeup while you're using them) and you can't store anything under it (like towels or medicine or whatever). It has bright makeup lights like you would see in a movie star's dressing room. Way too much for me. And the worst part is the wallpaper. It has three wallpapers, to be exact - the bottom is black with little while shield-shaped figures on it. The top is grey without much of anything special. And the middle - oh the middle. It has Trojan horses, in black, white and gold, traipsing around the room. HORRIBLE. The only thing I like about this bathroom is the beautiful chandelier I put in a few years back. Other than that, it is huge with so much potential and I hate nearly every square inch of it.
My master bathroom on the other hand is small, with only a stall shower (no tub). I could probably live with that if the tub in the other bathroom worked. But the worst part of the master bath is that it was last renovated in the 60's or 70's so it has that lovely avocado-green tile on the bottom half of the walls. I've painted the top half white and put some awesome artwork in there to try to cut the green...but honey, it's GREEN. It needs to come down.
And my kitchen is another source of renovation fever. The wood cabinets were painted a number of years ago and I can live with them...but the floor is the ugliest brown linoleum and the countertops are wood-patterned formica. Horrendous. There is some charm in there, though - a brick archway between the kitchen and breakfast nook, wood beamed ceilings, built in cabinets in the nook. But still, the floors and counters and layout have to go. Again, I've decorated around it all and it's not terrible...but it's time for a reno.
Basically, I am overwhelmed by all of the construction that would have to be done. The big bathroom and master bathroom have to be gutted...and my hope is to extend the master bath to the length of the house so I can have a bigger bathroom and add a second walk-in closet to the room. The kitchen is always a huge undertaking. And the outside of the house...ugh, we got one estimate at $30,000. And that's something that no one will even really notice!
Since I am overwhelmed by the idea of construction, I have turned my sights on my bedroom. It needs no construction. It's a big room with lots of potential. For some reason, when we moved in, I wanted faux paint on the walls...in green. I loved it for a long time but it has definitely outstayed it's welcome. I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do in there and now *that* is paralyzing me. Right now it is a mishmosh of styles. There is no cohesiveness to the room and it feels all over the place.
I was talking to my husband last night about redecorating the bedroom (which is going to mean new furniture, bedding, rug, curtains, shades, accessories...everything) and I told him how I was feeling overwhelmed because I didn't know where to start. I want the bedroom to be perfect - to capture our lifestyle and our family and our tastes, to represent who we are, and to give us a peaceful place to relax and sleep. And maybe a little romance in there, too!
As he always does, he talked me down from my ledge. He pointed out our living room, which is exactly what we want it to be. Elegant and rich, but super comfortable and lived in. TV front and center since that's our daily life, but held in a huge, hand painted armoire that doubles as a piece of art, really. He pointed out the dining room, which again is just what we wanted. Not fancy, a little farmhouse-y, beautifully comfortable for every day use, gorgeous colors with the perfect artwork. And he pointed out our office, which, yes, once again is exactly our vision. Dark and moody, deep wine-colored walls, dark wooden bookcases filled to the brim with well loved books. Very Moroccan, layered fabrics and pillows on a comfortable pull-out couch, beautiful desk with gorgeous accessories from our travels. The downstairs bathroom is so "us" too - because I took a chance and did something really edgy in an old house. I painted the bottom of the walls a really dark charcoal grey and the top part a metallic silver, put a punky chandelier in there, and then used pink accents in the dramatically punk art. It's one of my favorite rooms. And finally, TJK's room. A perfect room for a tween-going-on-25. A soft sky blue, with hand painted clouds and a blooming cherry blossom tree, gorgeous bedding, shelves for all of her trinkets and collectibles.
Basically, all of the rooms we have redecorated since moving in represent us well. The rooms that need to be redone - the master bedroom and bathroom, the main upstairs bathroom, the kitchen - are the ones we have not touched since moving in. Like the bedroom - the furniture is from our apartment. There's a room-dividing screen, also from our apartment. And there is a big comfy chair in there, which is from an old living room set from the apartment. Nothing in the bedroom was chosen for this bedroom. This made me take a breath and realize that when I decorate rooms in my house, I do it well. The bedroom is just the next on the list...to be followed closely by the bathrooms and kitchen and outside...
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